DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN NARUTO.

Warning: /Major Crack/. I mean every chapter is so whatever; but, this one...this one is just absurd.


Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!


06. The Fire of my Loins (Pt. I)

...

Sakura hated her life. Officially.

There were two reasons for this:

Firstly, Sasuke had been gone for what seemed like eternity—though, in reality, it was probably only like two months. Or, something like that. Who knows.

Do you know how long an eternity is without the love of your life?

A really, really long-ass time.

That meant it was a long-ass time without holding his gross clammy hand, because for some reason he was always nervous or something (she didn't get it at all, but she wasn't going to complain if Sasuke Uchiha was actually holding her hand). This meant that she was rid the opportunity of being able to whine in a piercing (screeching), sensual tone "Sasuke-kuuuuun" in efforts to be spoiled with lavish treats (aka. food—she lived for food; and Sasuke, obviously...but she had her priorities.). And, most importantly, this meant that she had to spend an eternity without being able to give her macho manly-man wet smooches.

Fuck.

And, secondly, this:

...

It had started out as a normal, wonderful, crisp, breezy day. The birds were flying about gaily in the air, chirping their bright, cheery tune of "Oh my god I love nature;" the deer were frolicking about the lovely land of Konohagakure; and candy-filled rainbows were shooting out of all of the merry buck's antlers. Everything was swell and dandy. (Well, maybe her descriptions of the ambiance were a little…er, over-exaggerated; but, regardless it was a nice fucking day.)

That was until…she came along.

All of a sudden (D:) the rainbows disappeared and the deers and birds were sucked into another dimension by mortifying demon tentacles (Aka. Some guy with a swirly mask—no need for spoilers, children) that shot boiling magma. Lightening was flashing, a massive vortex (worm-hole) appeared sucking away all the happiness, and the ground was cracking, parting ways. (So, maybe over-exaggeration was Sakura's forte. At least she could say she was a virtuoso of bore-geous writing.)

Out of the new opening in the Earth sprouted her best friend.

Correction: her mad best friend.

Wrath radiated from those vermilion claws of hers and death was bored via her eyes. Her chest heaved up and down and demonic smoke poured like a thrashing waterfall from her nose.

Sakura, fear-induced, was beginning to spin on her heel to burst into a sprint. If she was quick enough, Sakura would be able to escape before that…that succubus noticed—

"Sakura, tell me what's going on. Now!" Ino demanded as she placed her hands (claws) on her hips. (Sakura could see the fire that was ablaze behind Ino, filled with dead birds and ravaged deer and black rainbows and lost sunshine.)

Sakura sighed and crossed her arms.

Two could play at this game. She didn't have to reveal anything to that pig. Not a single word. Her decision was made to out-stubborn Ino.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sakura shrugged, feigning innocence. Her shining beryl chasms pleaded for Ino to believe her extremely well-knit lie; of course, though, it didn't work. Ino stomped up to the pink-haired girl, huffing and puffing and growling, readying to beret the pink-haired woman her with utter disappointment.

The blonde pointed a finger at Sakura and gave her an accusatory look. "You know I hate when you leave me in the dark about things!" Ino hissed. "So you're going to tell me why you've been acting so strange lately."

Sakura's eyes narrowed.

One thing that Sakura was good at was playing innocent.

"Whatsoever are you talking about, Pig?"

"You know what I mean!"

"I do not."

Or, well, she thought she was good at playing innocent; but, she reluctantly admitted she couldn't be good at everything. (She snorted at the thought—yeah right.)

"Aha! Your nostrils just flared—you're lying!" Ino exclaimed, raising her pointer finger to Sakura's nose. Sakura yanked her head back, distancing herself from Ino and her blasphemously accusing finger. Her apple-green eyes narrowed at the blonde friend in front of her.

"They did not!" Sakura replied, defensively—she was slightly offended too, she highly doubted flaring nostrils was a very attractive feature. "I was just taking a deep breath—it was a beautiful, serene day until you got here; and, I was trying to enjoy it. Sue me."

"Sakura, it's another shitty day in Konoha. It's humid and gross out, plus it's cloudy. And, to top off those already stunning qualities, there's no breeze." Ino stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "So, I know your nose did flare. Now, tell me: what's wrong?"

Sakura's expression was growing more and more frustrated by the minute. She knew that she needed to admit defeat, because Ino would find any way to counterpoint her lies—and, Sakura was an awful liar to begin with. She sighed. It was a lost battle from the beginning, she thought.

Curse her and her flaring nostrils.

"Fine," Sakura mumbled, admitting to her defeat. She gave Ino a wry, disdainful look when she saw that damned triumphant grin appearing on those shamefully glittery lips of Ino's. Sakura eyed Ino's lips warily, they were...too sparkly—too sparkly to where, in the right lighting, the lip gloss blinded any poor onlooker. As a mark of revenge, she would refuse to inform Ino of this detail. Take that! Sakura thought, pleasingly. Next time Ino goes on a mission, shes going to give away their position. She snorted to herself, Or blind their attacker. Sakura bathed in this revelation, Whatever. I'm a smarter ninja.

"So, anyyyyywaaaaaaay..." Sakura hummed. "I think I might have a crush on someone..."

"Sakura, you've been dating Sasuke for five months—I'm pretty sure that it's more than a crush by now."

Sakura gave Ino a despondent look, before her expression turned somber.

Silence filtered between the two women.

Ino looked at her, blankly.

Sakura then averted her eyes to the right, trying to spot out anything that wasn't blonde and glimmering and blue. She conveniently began staring at an old hermit scratching (picking) his nose. She found it absolutely repulsive (her being a hygienic freak and all), yet Sakura bathed in the worn beauty of this old, crusty man versus her friend's impending realization.

Widening sapphire eyes and a dropping jaw was the next sight that Sakura was greeted with. Ino had jumped in front of the man Sakura had been so wistfully watching and was now right in front of the pink-haired girl's face. "Oh my..." Ino breathed, her hands were beginning to twitch—readying themselves to outrageously flail about.

Ino would most likely defend to her death that it was a very calm, collected question.

It wasn't.

"OHHHHHHHH MY GOD!" She shrieked in hysteria, "WHO. IS. IT?"

Sakura rushed to put her hand over Ino's mouth, shushing the blonde's sudden (completely called for) outburst. "Shut the hell up, Ino!

"You don't think this is frustrating enough? Now I have to worry about you and that flapping thing you call a 'mouth' babbling to the entire bar next time you get drunk." Sakura growled defensively, trying to subtly change the topic.

"Excuse me, this flapping thing I call a mouth is very tight-sealed," Ino had to pause a moment and glare when Sakura let out an ungraceful snort. "Alright, well, guy's love my mouth regardless of its banter—"

"Oh the talents of Yamanaka Ino…" Sakura mused, quite loudly, actually.

Ino sent a deadly glare to her friend. "I see what you're doing, Billboard Brow—stop changing the subject!"

"Fine," Sakura huffed. She looked away again; and finally sighed. "It's just… I don't know what to do, Ino!" Sakura exclaimed, throwing her hands up to shield her face.

She didn't want to face the world.

"I'm getting so bored with Sasuke!" Frustration emanated through her tone. "He's always so busy and I haven't seen him in forever—"

"Sakura, he's been gone for three days." Ino deadpanned, rolling her eyes. Sakura was just being over-dramatic and love-sick, so it probably wasn't anything to worry about. When Sasuke came back, she would be head over heels and in love with him again.

"—and Kakashi-sensei is just so fucking hot and—"

"Wait…— Did you just say Kakashi-sensei?" Ino blurted out, a gasp escaping her lips. Ino's eyebrows raised and the world stopped moving. Actually, it probably spun off its axis, and this was probably the point where the cracks deepened and the entirety of the once lovely town of Konohagakure was sucked into that black abyss of Hell that Ino had earlier erupted from.

Meh.

Either or.

"Ino, shut up!" Sakura growled, hushing the blonde haired friend. "I will seriously dismember you if you say one word—"

She was cut off in her threat.

The woman shook her head. Her thoughts were so jumbled, rambling on and on, she didn't even know where to begin. "I can't believe you. That's so inappropriate, Sakura!"

Sakura eyes averted down to stare at the ground in shame. She just knew that Ino would say something like that. And, well, hearing it made her day even worse. Now, not only had Sasuke been gone for an eternity (two months or three days or whatever—same thing) and her secret been revealed, but now she was also being reprimanded.

"That's so kinky." Ino squealed giddily, giggling like a school girl. "I can't believe I never even thought about Kakashi-sensei like that. He's so hot! All this time, I was going after Genma—shame on me." She nodded her head, approvingly. "Well, damn, Sakura. Even I would hit that. I would gladly hit that. Many times. It's like a super, and I mean super, sexy grandpa or something—"

Sakura almost choked on her breath. She wasn't the only one? Ah, thank the Gods! But, that didn't help her solve anything.

"Grandpa? Ino he's only like a couple years older than I am."

Ino rolled her eyes—there that girl went with her over-exaggeration again. "He's fourteen years your senior, Sakura."

It was then that Sakura deemed herself a savant of rationalization.

"Well, he's been twenty-four in my book for about ten years now. So it's basically the same thing."

"That's the most illogical—"

"Ino, that's not the point!" Sakura huffed, pouting before lazily sagging her shoulders in disappointment. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it," Sakura cried. "Maybe I'm just some nympho or something—Oh Gods, if I was a nympho, how could Sasuke ever love me?"

Ino didn't know whether or not that was a rhetorical question; so, she decided it was best not to answer.

Her mind was wheeling down a slippery slope of hypothetical misery. It was almost similar to the eruption of hell that had eaten all of the hypothetical singing birds and rainbow spewing deer, albeit a little less…dramatic.

"OK, listen, Sakura." Ino said, clearing her throat. "I don't know why you always like to put yourselves in these positions—playing with fire, that is…but, I don't think you should go after this one." Ino suggested. "Sasuke will be back tomorrow night and then everything will be fine—"

"No, Ino!" Her head was shaking violently side-to-side to emphasize how much her friend just didn't understand. If she had feelings for Kakashi, she had to know if they were true, because TRUE LOVE ALWAYS PREVAILED. Sakura was baffled by the fact that Ino didn't get that. It was blatant life lesson that everyone learned throughout their years in the ninja academy. Sakura whined, "It won't be. It won't be fine, because I like Kakashi-sensei." She paused for a minute, tapping her bottom lip. "I think."

Ino rolled her eyes. "You think?" She sighed, "Sakura, this is one of those things that, oh, you know—you need to be sure about."

Sakura snorted, "well, duuuuh.

"I can't be sure about this type of thing unless I kiss the guy, Ino. You already know that." Sakura stated this as though it was common knowledge—in her mind, everyone shared this similar prerequisite for determining their future life partners.

"You are terrible, you know?" Ino laughed. "Terrible, irrational, and naïve."

Okay, Sakura would willingly admit to the being terrible and naïve; however, considering she had already deemed herself a savant of rationality, she was absolutely not irrational. All of the things that have built-up her potential feelings towards Kakashi made total sense.

He was really hot.

So, it made total sense.

He was mysterious, too, or whatever. (Not like that really mattered, but adding a second quality made her sound less...fickle.)

She bit her lip.

"Listen, if I kiss Kakashi and sparks fly and I want to bone him in nearest available area—be it public or not—then I must really like him; aaaaaand," she dragged out the conjunction for several seconds, "if I kiss him and it's just whatever, then I'm probably not that into him. Kissing's a very big thing with boys—" Sakura scrunched her nose. "I hate bad kissers."

"Sakura—" Ino paused and let out and exasperated sigh. Sakura may always lose when it came to having to confess her secrets to Ino; but, Ino always lost when it came to Sakura's obdurateness. Ino was tempted to warn her that of course Kakashi was a good kisser—it was a simple formula: multiply all of the talk in the women's bathhouse (experience) by the man's age. Knowing her pink-haired friend all too well, Ino knew that Sakura was bound to become confused with her feelings if she was to kiss Kakashi, because she believed in her whole "love at first really amazing, super hot, knee-weakening, heartstring-tugging kiss"
ideal. And, Kakashi would surely be able to give her that—Ino's face scrunched inwards for a short moment at the realization—and more.

The girl was an idiot, albeit her innocent romantic intentions.

"He wears a mask," Ino chastised, trying to sway her best friend from making yet another irrational decision, "how is he supposed to be a good kisser?"

Sakura shrugged. "I don't know, it doesn't matter—I'm sure he'll figure something out." A shine accumulated in Sakura's eyes, one which sparkled with fascination and adoration, excitement and anticipation. A grin, one stretching further than that of Naruto when he received an 'all-you-can-eat-for-a-day' Ichiraku pass, played on her plump lips. She breathed, " Do you know what they say about men that wear masks, Ino?"

"Do tell, Sakura."

It was Sakura's matter-of-fact tone that worried her the most. "They have really big wieners, Ino."

Ino gagged.

She had to get a hold of Sasuke.

"Like, super big."

Right away.

"Just be a safe pyro," Ino said, lazily, as she began trying to formulate a plan to get a hold of Sasuke as soon as possible. "Don't cry to me when you get burnt by this fire—I'm sure it will be a big one."

"Ino, don't be silly. It's a figurative fire, not a real one," Sakura agreed, cheesing like no tomorrow.

"What are you talking about?"

Sakura's eyes closed and she smiled, her tongue partially sticking out.

"The raging fire in my loins."


PROMPTS:

-(Thin Air – Be a safe pyro!)
-(MyKyo - "Damn...Even I would hit that")
-(Bloocheeze - sexy grandpa)
-(Guest - i will seriously dismember you! / you are terrible, you know? / suck it.)
-(SakiHaruno – Sakura kissing someone else)

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Reviews make me write! (:

-Accepting Prompts.

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EWHH its Kenna