"Married . . . with Aliens!"
Copyright (C) 1993 by Xebot
Hal and Baggy Bundle were relaxing on the bridge of their starship, the Millenium Andy-Gump.
Baggy said, "Gee, Hal, we haven't had sex in years!"
Hal responded, "According to Einstein, all time is relative. We're traveling at near the speed of light. Technically, we had sex five-minutes ago."
Baggy corrected, "Einstein was a liar. He said that MASS increases with VELOCITY!"
"Bag," said Hal, "Einstein was also quoted as saying, 'shut the hell up, Bag!'"
"Hal, I just received a communication from Star Fleet Command. They want us to save the galaxy, again."
"We saved it last season."
"Well," said Baggy, "It seems that there's this cosmic blob that's swallowing-up all the stars and planets. If we don't stop it, it'll destroy the entire galaxy. Then, where will I shop? Do you know how far it is to the next Frederick's? Just think of the cab fare, Hal."
"Let's save the galaxy, Bag."
Hal put the Millenium Andy-Gump into warp-factor 5 3/4.
Baggy asked, "Hal, can't you just once stretch it out to warp-factor 6?"
"Bag, the Millenium Andy-Gump is a classic; it's not built for speed, it's built for distance."
"Just the opposite of you. Hal, is it too late for you to join the Dark Force?"
Farcy and her husband, Narcisson, entered the bridge. Farcy was carrying a large pod, the kind that aliens come from.
She said, "Hello, Baggy. I've got a present for you! Here, take it."
Baggy said, "Thanks, Farcy. Put it on the table."
Farcy pleaded, "You've got to smell it, Baggy! Here, just lean over it like this."
The pod opened and an alien leapt out and attached itself to Farcy's face. Farcy struggled to remove the abomination. She screamed for help.
Narcisson was combing his hair in the mirror. He said, "Just let me get my part straight. Gosh, I'm purty!"
Baggy turned to Hal, "The things that women will do to eliminate crows-feet! Hal, you ought to be glad that you're a man, or you'd have one of those creatures sucking out your life's blood and implanting you with alien embryos!"
Hal said, "Farcy, that flower of womanhood, wouldn't be pollinated if she straddled a bee-hive! Farcy, that garden of delights, would've caused Satan to leave the Garden of Eden, because Satan KNOWS UGLY! Anyway, Bag, this is the closest she's ever come to oral sex. Maybe now, she'll be able to keep a husband!"
Baggy said, "I've kept you for twenty years, though nineteen were spent sucking on saurerkraut waiting for a knockwurst."
"Count your blessings, Bag," said Hal, "you could've married an Italian, then you'd be sucking spaghetti!"
"At least I could look forward to a meatball."
Spud and Jelly, the son and daughter of the Bundles, entered the bridge.
Jelly bounced up and down to shake her tits and get higher Nielson ratings. She looked at Farcy, still struggling with the alien attached to her face, and said, "Nice facial. I can't see any crows-feet! Though you might consider removing that alien from your face, it makes you look over-accessorized. However, there is a fashion up-side. The way that its tail is strangling you, gives you an interesting palor; sort-of the Winona Ryder look."
Farcy wrestled the creature from her face and shot it with a phaser.
The beast dripped acid blood which ate through the titanium floor.
Hal screamed, "You're gonna pay for that floor, Farcy!"
Narcisson stood up. "Hal, Farcy was defending her life. What's more important, her life or your floor?" Narcisson looked down at the puddle of molten titanium and said, "Hey, look! I can see myself! Gosh am I purty! Look at this, Farcy, am I that gorgeous?! You can tell me, really!"
The Bundle's daughter, Jelly, left the bridge for thirty-minutes, and then came back with an alien, who was smoking a cigarette.
Baggy said, "Jelly! I know what you've been doing! Where did I go wrong? Haven't I always told you to get to know a man before going to bed with him? Such as his bank account number, social security number, his net worth-and most importantly, whether you can bribe his lawyer when you decide to take him for all he's worth! Has my whole life been in vain? I had hoped better for you, Jelly. What are you gonna sue this alien hoagy-head for? Phlegm? He's dripping ooze all over my floor! He's got that big-ass head and that skinny, little body. What could you possibly see in him?"
Spud answered, "A young Frank Sinatra?"
The alien hissed at Spud. It turned towards Jelly and opened its mouth. Its inner jaws distended towards her. She said, "That's gross. Keep your teeth in your mouth. You're worse than Grandfather Bundle!" She reached into her purse and removed a can of mace, which she sprayed at the creature. It squeeled and ran away.
Jelly added, "Don't toy with my emotions. I'm not some cheap slut. Next time, you'd better bring me something EXPENSIVE!"
Baggy turned to Hal and asked, "Hal, we've never had a problem with aliens before, have we?"
Hal scratched his head and answered, "Not since the last INS raid. You can't get that kind of help for a buck-a-day, anymore."
Baggy corrected, "I'm not talking about Kathy Lee's kitchen staff, I'm talking about these Geiger aliens -- I feel like I'm locked in a house of mirrors with Ally McBeal!"
"Well," said Hal, "I haven't been truthful to you, Bag."
"Well, why start now?"
Hal continued, "Because I want you to suffer as you've made me suffer, my little RawHead Rex."
"Hal," said Baggy, "if I had known that you were into water-sports..."
"Please, Bag," said Hal, "if I had wanted to see you in the bathroom, I would have poked a hole in the stall at the YMCA! That's not what I'm talking about. I'm going to quit the series! I found a job that pays more for less work."
"But Hal, where will I go, who will I call?" asked Bag.
"Frankly, Bag, I don't give a damn, just as long as you dial 10-10-321 first."