The Tale of the Missing Plot
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even the computer I'm writing this on.
High up in the sky, just within reach of the earth's gravitational pull, soared the greatest martial artist of his generation. Ranma Saotome was his name; and among his many accomplishments were the impressive defeat of the warrior with dragon blood, Herb, and the Phoenix god, Saffron. However, though he had faced enemies that would have made normal fighters cower, he still had one big weakness… tomboys with blunt objects.
"Stupid Akane," Ranma groused as he fumed during his impromptu travel across Tokyo. It had been nothing out of the ordinary; Akane cooked something that could only be described as toxic, Ranma refused to eat it for fear of his own life, and she smashed him through the roof and into the sky with mallet-sama. "I wonder where she keeps that damn mallet of hers…"
Ranma's personal monologue was cut short as he noticed that he had started his decent. In actuality, Akane could never even hope to come near him with that mallet of hers without Ranma launching a counterattack. The problem was that Ranma didn't hit girls, even if they asked for it. But at least it afforded him a nice view… even if it sometimes came to painful ends.
"Not this time," Ranma said confidently as he flipped over in midair and landed on his feet like a c-c-ca-… one of those furry things. A round of applause alerted him that his landing had not passed by unnoticed. "Who's there?" Ranma crouched low ready to attack or defend, an understandable reaction to surprises when your life is a constant struggle.
A blue haired girl with big red eyes approached him with a big smile on her face. "That was a great landing! Are you in the habit of flipping through the sky often?"
"Uh… not really. Not as long as it can be avoided anyway…" Ranma scratched his head nervously as the girl looked him up and down. "So… do people drop here often?"
The girl smiled at him and replied, "You're the first one to visit me." Suddenly, realization came to her face and she gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry. Where are my manners? My name's Rei Ayanami."
"Nice to meet you. I'm Ranma Saotome." Even if Ranma was used to girls treating him nicely because they wanted something in return, it still would have been impolite to not introduce himself. Anyway, Rei looked kind of cute, even with her red eyes. Wait… red eyes? "Why are your eyes red?"
Rei smiled and responded, "Why are yours blue?" She giggled as Ranma stared at her, totally missing the point of the question. "I don't know why, silly. They just are."
"Okay then…" Ranma was pushing his luck and he knew it. No way he could talk to a pretty girl without something going down.
"Rei!" Ranma's worries were proven true as an older man emerged from a house. Ranma presumed that it was Rei's father. "Who is that boy with you?!"
His suspicions proven true, Ranma decided that it would be better to just hightail it out before this strange man decided to engage him to his daughter. So he waved at Rei and jumped up to the roof and away from the two of them. "Will I see you again?" Rei yelled at him just as he disappeared over the roof, the question unheard by Ranma.
"Who was that?" The old man asked.
Rei smiled warmly and said, "His name was Ranma, father."
"I've told you before, Rei. Always call me Gendo."
Rei sighed when she realized she had messed up again. "I'm sorry, father."
"Rei!" Gendo's brow furrowed to show his annoyance with Rei. "Can't you follow the most basic command?"
Just then a busty vixen came out of the house and laughed at Gendo. "Still struggling with that antique model, I see." She laughed in a very similar way to that of Kodachi Kuno.
"What do you want, Naga?" Gendo found Naga's voice to be… charming, if a bit annoying when heard with too much regularity. "Can't you see I'm busy training the new doll?"
Naga laughed at Gendo's annoyed face. "Who helped you create that doll from the mystical energies of the ethereal stream?" Gendo was just about to deny vehemently the existence of magic when Naga cut him off, "Don't act like a child, Gendo darling. You've seen what I can do."
"You're right," Gendo admitted. "But it's still hard to fathom the powers you have at the drop of a name.
"It's called 'channeling'." A redheaded, flat-chested sorceress replied. "Hey Gendo… got any tuna in your fridge?"
Gendo smirked at her and replied, "Go fish."
"Creep." The redhead turned around and stormed off back into the house.
Naga shook her head slowly at the two of them. "You really shouldn't tease Lina like that. She could roast you anytime she wanted."
"I know," Gendo said. "But I find her angry face to be quite cute." Gendo saw the look of fury in Naga's eyes and quickly added, "You are quite cute too, Naga."
Inside the house, Lina muttered irritably as she played some cards with a friend of hers. Lina's friend was very tall and well endowed, to say the least. She also happened to be a werecheetah. "That idiot Gendo doesn't have any tuna in his house, Brittany," Lina said.
"So what are we supposed to eat?" Brittany Diggers seemed to be on the verge of tears. Which happened often whenever the supply of tuna ran out.
Lina looked at the kitchen and replied, "I could get you some cat food."
"And I could get you a knuckle sandwich," Brittany replied. The two of them shot up to their feet and glared daggers at each other. Brittany ready to close the gap between them in the blink of an eye with her superior speed. Lina was ready to counter Brittany's speed with a Flare Arrow.
"I swear you girls fight more than a pair of Logans." Into the kitchen walked a young American man with short brown hair. "Get it? Logans… Wolverines. Ha! I crack myself up!"
Brittany and Lina groaned at the bad pun and sat down. "Your jokes get stale quick, Spidey."
Peter hushed Brittany quickly. "When I'm in my civilian clothes, my name's Peter. Not Spiderman."
"Go swing on a web for all we care," Lina replied as she and Brittany restarted their heated battle of cards. Peter decided to leave the two girls to their game and went to swing through Tokyo in his Spiderman costume.
Along the way, he saw a pair of young teenagers pushing around a young kid with spiky red hair. "Leave him alone!" The two punks didn't have a chance to even ponder where the voice had come from as Spiderman descended on them and knocked them out quickly. He helped the youth to his feet and asked him, "Are you okay?"
"Yes I am, Spiderman. Thank you."
Spiderman looked at the huge golden pyramid the kid had around his neck and whistled. "You should know better than to go out in public with such a gaudy piece of jewelry, kid. You were just lucky I was in the neighborhood."
"My name is not kid, it is Yugi. And this pyramid holds the ancient spirit of a four thousand year old pharaoh from Egypt." Yugi looked at Spiderman and knew instinctively that he didn't believe him. "Maybe you'll believe this!" Yugi called out the special words and his spirit was exchanged for the Pharaoh's spirit.
"Do you believe me now?" Yami-Yugi asked.
Spiderman shook his head no. "All you did was change the tone of your voice. I could do that too." Spiderman added in a mock super villain voice, "I will have the last laugh! Mwahahahahaha!"
"Idiot." Yami-Yugi sweatdropped as Spiderman continued to spout off cliché super villain lines. "You can stop now…"
Spiderman's mockery of the super villain profession did not go by unnoticed. "You must think you are cute. Making a mockery of the super villain lifestyle like that."
"Who are you?" Spiderman looked at the stranger carefully. Aware that he should be pretty powerful if he could sneak up on him without his Spider sense alerting him to his presence.
The man took off his red hat and bowed respectfully. "The name is Alucard, pleased to meet you." He drew a pair of silver guns from his coat and pointed them at Spiderman. "I am a vampire. I don't know why I just revealed myself to you... I just felt like it."
"Weirdos…" Yami-Yugi left Spiderman and Alucard to settle their differences alone. Walking along the almost empty streets of Tokyo, he saw a blonde girl with a stream of tears running down her face. "Are you okay?"
"My best friend hates me because I got kissed by her boyfriend, who was under the magical spell of an ancient witch out to destroy the world!"
Yami-Yugi sweatdropped again at the girl's convoluted story. "Let me guess… You're Sailor Venus?"
"How did you know? Are you from the Negaverse? Why does your hair look so weird? Is there too much sugar in my diet?"
The endless barrage of questions was stopped when Minako was hit with a taser into unconsciousness. "I thought she'd never shut up…" A young man with black hair and a scar approached Yami-Yugi. "Wanna play with my giant robot?"
"Was that a come on?"
The youth smirked at Yami-Yugi. "You're too easy, Pharaoh!"
"Do I know you?" The pharaoh looked at the strange boy carefully. Paranoid that he might be yet another person who wanted to challenge him to a shadow game to get his millennium puzzle.
"My name's Heero. I pilot a giant robot called a Gundam." Heero lit up a cigarette and continued, "You see, I was sent here to the past by Urd, the goddess of the past, to get you to come with me."
Yami-Yugi nodded in understanding. "Weirder things have happened to me before. But why do you want me specifically?"
"Only you can help us, Pharaoh," Heero started. "You see… the world is under the control of evil robots called Boomers. Ironically… even though Gundams are like a million times bigger… Boomers can easily own them simply by getting close. You can understand how embarrassing it is to loose to an enemy that's ant sized simply because you can't attack it without attacking yourself."
Yami-Yugi once again nodded in understanding. "That reminds me of Kuriboh. Size does not always guarantee a victory."
"So you will help us?" Heero was more than eager to return back to his own time with someone that could help him save the world.
"Not so fast!" Yami-Yugi and Heero turned to face the newcomer. "What's he going to do? Challenge them to a game of cards?"
Yami-Yugi nodded in agreement. "That's exactly correct. The only reason none of my previous enemies have beaten me is because they always challenge me to a game of cards… instead of doing something more productive, like hit me over the head or something.
"You see… which is why you should bring me, Kyo Kusanagi, to save the future from evil robots!" Kyo flared up his fire to show that he had some bite to accompany his bark. "Am I in?"
Heero nodded yes. "But first… find a hot demon hunter girl to come with us… So we both can fall for her and create a love triangle to spice things up."
"Yohko Ono lives near here. She's really hot, plus we could get her to bring her hot friend too… One for you and one for me!"
Heero looked at Kyo with disgust. "Aren't they like sixteen and fifteen?" Heero looked at Kyo up and down and added, "How old are you… twenty-eight?"
"Twenty-three actually…" Kyo fled the scene as Yami-Yugi and Heero glared impending doom on him. "It's your loss!" Kyo yelled as he disappeared over the horizon.
"That was weird," someone else said. "Hi, My name's Goku. Sorry 'bout this."
Heero rubbed his temple as a migraine started to form. "I'll take you. The past is just too weird…" And with a bright flash of light, Heero and Goku returned to the future to save it.
"Wait… isn't the future easier to save in the past?"
Yami-Yugi quickly turned around, annoyed that more strange people kept coming out of the woodwork. "Let me guess… You're a superpowerful magician that can travel through time… and you've seen that his attempt to save the future is pointless because destiny has already decided what events will transpire."
"You watch too much Anime, dude." The strange boy posed heroically and said, "My name's Naruto Uzumaki. I am the greatest ninja the world has ever seen!"
Yami-Yugi continued to do his thing in the world, sweatdrop at the craziness of other people. "Shouldn't ninja's remain hidden in the shadows quiet? Instead of running up to strange people and yelling their names and professions?"
"Once again, dude," Naruto said, "You watch too much Anime. A real ninja runs up to his victim and yells out his presence for everyone to hear. Anyway… I challenged you to a duel!"
"Now you're speaking my language!" Yami-Yugi fished out from his pocket a pack of cards. Naruto fished out from his pocket a Kunai. "Where are your cards?"
Naruto scoffed at Yami-Yugi. "What kind of moron fights with cards?" While Naruto was busy distracting himself imagining a group of ninjas trying to kill each other with cards, Yami-Yugi sneaked away unseen.
"He's getting away, you know…" This next person was a real ninja. His name was Ryu Hayabusa, and he attacked his enemies upfront with a demonic blade. But hey… at least he wore black pajamas, so that made him a better ninja than Naruto… Right?
"Thank you, strange person that wishes he was as good a ninja as me. Believe it!" Naruto created a group of clones and each one ran off in a different direction, all the while cackling like a maniac.
Ryu seethed with anger and ran off after the Naruto he thought was real. "Don't run away, kid… I just want to you up!"
Watching everything from the top of a nearby building was Fubuki Kai, co-star of a popular Anime that can't really be mentioned for fear of kids doing a Google search of it. Fubuki looked through a pair of binoculars at a window on the adjacent building. "This time I got you, Card Captor Sakura."
The girl in question was brushing her hair in front of a vanity mirror, ignoring her best friend as she showed her a new selection of outfits. For some reason, these outfits were far too risqué and revealing for a girl her age. "Aren't those outfits a bit too slutty?"
"They have to be!" Her friend responded quickly. "How else do you expect to stay afloat in today's market unless you show off the goods a little?"
"I'm only fourteen!" Sakura whined as Tomoko closed the blinds so she could get changed without any ninja skilled in sexcraft looking in on her. Fubuki frowned as she thought on how best she could enter Sakura's apartment when someone else beat her to the punch.
A young man with unruly, black hair with a straw hat hanging on his back from a string crashed through the bedroom window by accident. Luffy coughed as the cloud of dust slowly dissipated. "I guess I overdid it a little," he said as he gave a big grin to the two scared girls there with him.
"Who are you?" Sakura asked as she inched her way closer to her magical staff.
Pulling on his cheeks and stretching them out, Luffy responded, "My name is Monkey D. Luffy. I'm the captain of the Strawhat Pirates. In the future, I'm going to be King of the Pirates!"
Fubuki jumped into the ruined apartment and glared at Luffy for no particular reason. Next, the blonde asked, "So... What does the D in your name stand for?"
"Not sure," Luffy responded. "All I know is it's very important. I'd tell you more, but I'm under contract and I don't want to get my pants sued off." Luffy headed to the hole in the wall where the window used to be and waved goodbye to the girls. "Bye. Gomu Gomu No Rocket!"
Luffy blasted off into the sky and was blasted out of it by a powerful android with purple hair from another Anime series that won't be named. "I'm not sure why I attacked you, but I did. So there! My name is FM77 by the way."
Fubuki tackled this newcomer out of the sky while she was busy gloating over Luffy. "Your fight is against me now!" The blonde kunoichi declared as the two girls crashed heavily into the ground, FM77 taking most of the damage. Luffy walked off as the two girl's fight descended into gratuitous debauchery.
In minutes, the rubber man encountered the person that originally sent him crashing into Card Captor Sakura's apartment. "Hey, Sephiroth," Luffy said as he waved happily. "I'm back, so let's fight."
"You're going to lose," Sephiroth declared as he tossed his silver hair back. In the background, a group of women fainted on the spot. The corner of Sephiroth's mouth went up an inch. It seemed that, even after all these years, he still had it.
Luffy frowned, then turned to look at another group of women. He emulated the way Sephiroth tossed his hair back a second ago with perfect precision. The girls all shrugged and debated among each other with uncertainty. The dark haired pirate's frown deepened as he turned to look at his silver haired adversary, whose smirk had grown.
"Gumu Gumu No Ouch!" Sephiroth was wondering what kind of attack 'ouch' was when, he saw that someone had sneaked up on Luffy and punched him from behind. A large, comical bruise formed over the boy's head. "What is it?" Luffy asked as he turned to look at his attacker.
Standing dangerously close, tapping her feet impatiently, was none other than Kara, though many people knew her as Supergirl. "I thought I told you to go to the supermarket and buy me some pickles and ice-cream!" Supergirl grabbed Luffy by the collar of his shirt and shook him violently.
Once his head wasn't bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball, Luffy replied, "... And I thought I told you the baby's not mine. I'm a pirate! Pirates don't pay child support!"
"You're going to take care of me and our baby! Or... Or..." A sudden, totally evil smirk appeared on Supergirl's face. This was the type of smirk that would have made even Daredevil afraid for his life. "If you don't cooperate, I'll buy a lot of really expensive stuff and send the bill over to Nami in your name."
The color drained from Luffy's face and a cold shiver crawled up his spine as he imagined the horrors that Nami would unleash upon him for unbalancing the checkbook. "Dear god... Anything but that!" Supergirl smiled victoriously as Luffy got up and waved goodbye to Sephiroth. "Sorry, guy... I gotta go take care of my baby-mama-drama..."
Sephiroth, feeling sorry for Luffy... and hey, who wouldn't? ... Ran off to search for a new, worthy opponent. He found it in the form of a warrior with dark armor and a sword of light. The dark warrior got into a stance before Sephiroth, motioning for him to attack. Sephiroth asked, "What is your name, warrior?"
"I chhh am chhh Darth chhh Vader chhh. Sith chhh lord chhh and chhh second chhh in chhh command chhh of chhh the chhh empire chhh." Vader felt himself tense up as he could sense a monstrous amount of force from the person before him.
"That whole wheezing thing gets really old really fast. I really hope the author of this story doesn't give you any more lines." Sephiroth looked up into the sky, searching for a reply to his request. Amidst an angelical choir, a thumbs up descended from the heavens just for him.
Vader frowned... sort of. Well, as best as someone that has a helmet on and can't speak is able to frown. The two of them clashed, destroying all the buildings around them in the process. Lots of people perished in the crossfire, but they weren't important anyway, so they don't really matter.
Close by, watching the whole fight on a futuristic computer screen, was what appeared to be a young girl with freakishly puffy red hair. She sipped on a soda as she enjoyed the spectacle. Above each swordsman was a health bar reminiscent of fighting games of old.
"What are you watching, Washu?" A young man with brown hair asked. He had on a black school uniform and had an eyepatch over his left eye.
Ignoring the question, Washu made one of her own, "Why the eyepatch? You know Geass doesn't work on me because of my divinity." The boy suddenly got nervous and Washu could tell something was up. "What did you do, Lelouch?"
"Let's just say the mailman is going to be delivering the letters in the nude while wearing blue bodypaint and red sneakers..." Washu cackled maniacally as Lelouch blushed slightly. "I didn't mean to tell him to act like Sonic The Hedgehog! I just said he looked like him!"
Washu had to wipe the tears from her eyes as the mental image in her head made her crack up even more. "What's all the ruckus?" A girl with short brown hair asked as she appeared out of nowhere. No, wait, she was actually a he, but he certainly looked like a girl.
"Lelouch made the mailman think he's Sonic The Hedgehog!" Answered Washu, descending into even more uncontrollable laughter. The newcomer also joined in, clutching his sides from the pain of so much laughter. "I wonder if he'll try and collect as many rings as he can..."
"And I wonder if he'll find a bumper along the way to help him jump over any chasms..." The two of them continued to laugh uproariously as Lelouch turned to leave to advance the story. "Hey! Wait! My name hasn't even been revealed ye-"
The guy who looked a lot like a girl was cut off as the scene changed to Lelouch, who had just entered a house. "Wow..." Lelouch said to himself. "I'm still part of the story. Go me!"
"Who do you speak to?" A girl with white hair and golden eyes asked in a mechanical monotone. She tilted her head to the side slightly, giving Lelouch a bad case of the creeps.
"Ashlotte... Could you stop doing that whole head tilt thing? It's seriously creepy..."
The golem tilted her head to the other side and asked, "Why is it so creepy?" She blinked, grabbing her weapon. "I sense the presence of an unwanted visitor."
"You impress me," a Ninja-Cyborg-Soldier-Pimp said as he become uninvisible, or just plain old visible. He withdrew a Katana from his back, pointing it at the white haired female. "There's a few years until I, Gray Fox, have to die while helping Solid Snake against Metal Gear... I know, spoilers... So how about we fight?"
Ashlotte responded by running in with her weapon held high. As the two of them fought, someone else watched this battle. Well... He wasn't actually watching the battle so much as he was reading the technical information of Gray Fox's movements. The guy was large and instead of eyes he had buttons.
'Major,' he said into his head, knowing she could hear him. 'I found the target.' He received the cybernetic equivalent of a nod as a response. 'I don't mean to question your methods, but is it wise to let the Ninja-Cyborg-Soldier-Pimp fight this battle by himself?' Another cybernetic nod was his response.
The major, somehow sensing her subordinate had a question in mind, said, 'Go ahead, Batou. Say whatever is on your mind.'
'Well... When we want to communicate non-verbally, we just think what we want to say. So... What happens when we think think? Does that get sent as well, Major Kusanagi?'
'The answer is yes... and that stuff you were thinking about is illegal in 7/8's of the world.'
Batou blushed furiously, concentrating on keeping his mind blank. Every few seconds he failed. Every seven seconds, to be precise. Hey... He's a guy. They think about naughty things every seven seconds. It's, like, a medical condition or something.
Back in a less insane area of Japan, Ranma returned to the Tendo dojo. "What took you so long?" A group of girls asked in a chorus, getting right into his face. "Where were you at? What were you doing? Who were you with? Did you bring me a present? Why is your heartrate so fast?"
"Woah! Woah! Woah!" Ranma waved his hands before him to try and calm his impressively large harem. "Now, before I get assaulted with questions again, how about we introduce all of you so the readers know just how much of a man among men I am? That cool with all of you?"
The girls all nodded. The first one of them stepped up. "My name is-"
Author's Notes: Her name is "End"? Hmm... That seems fitting, somehow.
I'd like to reveal what I was smoking when I wrote this, but I honestly have no clue.
If you can identify all the characters used in this story, then congratulations, you're a huge dork. (High-Five?)