SOME LIKE IT SCHMOT
SOME LIKE IT SCHMOT
The fic that's too 'schmot' to handle! Speedy and Guido must go undercover, as a pair of girls, to unfoil the Big Cheese's latest scheme from the inside out.
This fic is inspired by one of my all time favourite films: 'Some Like it Hot', starring the late Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and a little-known actress named Marilyn Monroe. It also spoofs Quentin Tarantino's 'Kill Bill' – which has nothing to do with Some Like it Hot, but that's just the crazy direction this story wants to go!
Enjoy, and please review :)
Narrator: HOOCHI MAMAS!
Speedy, Polly, Guido, Francine: (very confused) What the … ?
N: Just getting the viewers attention.
Polly: (irritated) Oh, of all the stupid ploys … just do your job, Narrator!
Fran: Aren't you even going to explain the first scene?
N: Sure! Pizza Parlour. Big Al on the intercom. Villenous scheme afoot. You know the drill!
Guido: (speaking to Speedy) I'd say the Narrator's finally lost it …
Speedy: Yeah, maybe he got another pay cut?
(The Pizza Cats are gathered round the intercom screen, listening to Al Dente.)
Big Al: The Big Cheese is up to his old tricks! It appears he's run out of villenous schemes to pull for today's show so he's taking his cues from a previous episode. Let's just say 'Miss Ratina' is back for an encore!
Polly: Oh no, don't tell me! The Big Cheese is reopening his modelling school?
Al: Close, but not quite. Ten days from now somebody named Miss Selma H. Ratina is running a week long beginner's self-defence course in the suburbs – strictly girls only. By coincidence, the Big Cheese is going on vacation the same day the self-defence course begins …
Speedy: So you're saying the Big Cheese is taking time off to wear Miss Ratina's shoes again? Wait ... wasn't he 'Mrs' Ratina before?
Polly: (shrugging) Maybe he's trying to sound younger?
Speedy: Could be. But what use would a bunch of defenseless girls be to him in the suburbs anyway?
Fran: Yeah, before he was looking for skilled female ninjas! That made more sense …
Guido: All the same, let's not overlook the fact Big Al is asking us to protect a group of vulnerable young women. Sounds like my kind of gig! (He nudges Speedy)
Speedy: (grinning in response) You said it, buddy!
Fran: Hmph! Polly could protect them better then you two could. At least she wouldn't be trying to get into anybody's skirt!
Al: Actually Francine raises a valid point.
Speedy, Guido: Say what?
Al: I want Polly and Francine to go undercover and enrol in Miss Ratina's course.
Speedy, Guido: (unpleasantly shocked) WHAT!
Polly: Us? Undercover? (She turns to Francine, who's excited)
Fran: Me included? You really want me to go too, Big Al?
Guido: Aw, no fair! We called it! And you can't send Francine, Al. She never leaves the launching post!
Fran: (insulted, hands on hips) Hey!
Speedy: And Polly's no good undercover. How's she ever going to pull off being 'defenseless'? She'll lose her temper and then somebody's bound to get hit in the head with a table. AGH!
Polly: (who's just slapped Speedy's head) I'll shove a table down your throat if you don't WATCH IT, buster!
Speedy: (speaking confidentially behind his hand to Big Al) See what I mean?
Al: Listen! The pure reason I'm sending Polly and Francine is because they're girls and it's a girls self-defence course. I need you two to stay behind and look after the Emporium.
(Both Polly and Francine giggle. Speedy and Guido are outraged.)
Guido: For the whole week?
Speedy: THIS IS SEXISM!
N: Ah, but how quickly the hand of fate can turn! For the next nine days the girls gloated and the men moped, making for a very tense time at the Pizza Parlour. Business went about as usual until –
Speedy, Guido: Francine?
N: Francine made a 'boo boo' in the kitchen. Just before opening shop, while climbing a ladder to reach a high shelf, Fran fell and twisted her ankle. Being the gentlemen they occasionally are, Speedy and Guido helped her hop to a near by chair.
Fran: (crying anime-style) WAAAAAAAAH! This sucks! I can't believe I sprained my stupid ankle the day before my first undercover assignment! Somebody shoot the writer!
N: Enter Polly! She's just arrived at work, with an important message for all –
Speedy, Guido: (cowering) Gazoontite!
Polly: (sniffling) Thanks …
Speedy: (stating the obvious) Polly, you're sick.
Polly: No I'm not! I'm just – ACHOOOOOOOO!
Guido: (ducking) What? Spraying your germs for kicks?
Polly: SHUT UP!
N: Once Big Al caught wind that the girls were ill – which could almost be taken literally in Polly's case – he made an urgent transmission to the Pizza Parlour.
Al: Looks like Speedy and Guido will be taking your place at the self-defence course.
Polly, Francine: (upset) WHAT!
Speedy, Guido: (high-fiving) YEAH!
Polly: But they can't, they're not girls!
Al: I realise that. That's why I need them to pretend to be girls.
Speedy, Guido: (unpleasantly shocked – again) WHAT!
Al: What? It's not like Speedy hasn't gone drag before. Remember when he was a wanted alien? And Guido, you're always telling us what a great actor you are, and how they keep asking you back for a consecutive season of 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof'.
Guido: Yeah, where I play a GUY!
(Polly and Francine laugh hysterically.)
Fran: Oh, this is going to be a hoot!
Polly: I guess they'll be getting into some skirts after all! Ha ha – ACHOOOO!
Al: (looking apologetically to Speedy and Guido) I don't have a choice, boys! Polly and Francine are the only girls working for me and they can't go. Unless you two replace them we won't have a plot!
Speedy: (grumbling) Plot schmot. Can't we just improvise our way through the rest of the script?
N: But the writers purpose has become unquestionably clear: Speedy and Guido are to spend the rest of the episode dressed in ladies kimonos and wigs! After spending a lengthy time in wardrobe and make-up, we now join them the following morning as they test-drive their new outfits on the streets of Little Tokyo.
(Speedy and Guido each carry a suitcase, bound for the bus station. Speedy is wearing a lemon yellow kimono and blonde wig while Guido wears a lilac kimono and brunette wig.)
Citizen One: (peddling past them on his bike, wolf whistling) Hey good looking!
Guido: Pft! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?
Speedy: He was talking to me, what do you care?
Guido: Get serious! I'm way hotter then you as a girl. It's this lilac kimono, it brings out my eyes!
Speedy: Ha! Keep dreaming. Your eyes are chopped liver compared to MY bone structure!
N: Can't say they're not in character.
Guido: All right, all right! Let's focus. If we're not careful we're gonna miss this bus and the beginning of this self-defence course, and then Big Al will skin us alive. Let's go over your stats: name?
Guido: (correcting him) Stacey!
Speedy: I think Stephanie suits me more.
Guido: Okay fine, but no more name changes! What else?
Speedy: Twenty-one. Natural blonde. Perky! You?
Guido: Gianna. Twenty-two. Hotter then Stephanie … (smirk)
Guido: Shut up, we're almost there! Get your girl voice ready …
Speedy: (pointing) Check it out, it's Miss Ratina!
N: Yes, it was indeed Miss Selma H. Ratina standing outside a parked bus where a long line of girls were stepping on board one by one. Miss Ratina was, predictably, the spitting image of the Big Cheese dressed in drag. Speedy and Guido join the cue …
Miss Ratina: (holding a clipboard, taking down names) Move along sweetheart. Next!
Miss Ratina: Name?
Guido: (in a girl's voice) Gianna, mam!
Miss Ratina: (looking Guido up and down, critically) You got a surname, Gianna?
Speedy: (whimpering behind Guido's shoulder) Crap! We forgot surnames!
(Guido elbows him to be quiet. Speedy yelps.)
Speedy: (hissing in Guido's ear) You elbowed me in the boob, idiot!
Guido: (hissing back) Fake boob!
Miss Ratina: AHEM!
Guido: (speaking quickly) Gianna … Brown! Gianna Brown, Miss Ratina.
Miss Ratina: (handing him a sheet of paper) Please fill out this form with the rest of your details, and load your luggage under the bus. Next!
Speedy: (bounding forward – perky and girly) Hello!
Miss Ratina: (monotone) Name?
(Guido drops his suitcase.)
Speedy: Yes, Daisy! I just remembered my mother was going to call me Daisy if I turned out to be a girl.
(Miss Ratina glares at Speedy, eyebrows raised. Speedy panics.)
Speedy: Eh, I mean she did call me Daisy because I did turn out to be a girl. Who knew!
(Continuing to glare, Miss Ratina – much to Speedy's relief – brushes it off.)
Miss Ratina: Surname please?
Speedy: Er … (who wasn't prepared) … MacGyver!
(It was Guido's turn to glare at Speedy. Miss Ratina wrote Speedy's name down and handed him his form. Speedy loaded his luggage.)
Guido: (speaking to Speedy in a low, incredulous voice) Daisy MacGyver? What kind of a name is that supposed to be!
Speedy: It was the first surname I could think of! Give me a break. Big Al should've organised the name thing in advance.
N: The boys ascended the stairs to the bus, where they were met with a sight sent directly from heaven!
Guido: (love hearts in his eyes) Oh my …
Speedy: (also with love hearts in his eyes) There is a god!
(Speedy and Guido are faced with two rows of bus seats filled with twenty-something girls, all chatting and looking over at them curiously.)
Guido: (shaking his 'love spell' off, and doing his best to maintain control) Just remember 'Daisy': we're girls.
Speedy: Affirmative, 'Gianna'. (Repeating it soothingly to himself, like a mantra) We're girls … we're girls … we're girls …
(They walk down the aisle, heading for two empty seats in the back. The other girls wave and greet them along the way.)
Girl One: Hi! I'm Faye.
Girl Two: I'm May!
Girl Three: Hey there! I'm Honey.
Girl Four: I'm Clover!
Girl Five: I'm Saskia!
Girl Six: Tinka!
Girl Seven: Bobbi!
Girl Eight: Prudence!
Speedy: (with a wide, toothy smile) Hello! Hi girls! Hows it going? I'm Daisy!
Guido: Sit down, Daisy!
(Guido grabs Speedy by the arm and pulls him into the seat next to him.)
Speedy: What? I was being friendly.
Guido: Yeah. Too friendly!
Speedy: By the way, how's my girl voice?
Guido: Like gender-bender butterflies the sequel.
Girl sitting across the aisle, alone: Hello!
(Speedy and Guido turn to their right – stunned.)
Speedy, Guido: LUCILLE!
Lucille: How did you know my name?
Speedy: We ah … (covering his tracks, girl voice in tact) … we saw your profile as we were walking over!
(Speedy indicated to the sheet of paper Lucille was filling out.)
Lucille: Oh, silly me! I hope you don't think I'm being intrusive, it just seems like everybody came to this thing with somebody else, and I came by myself. I'd really like to make some new friends …
Guido: (sounding positively thrilled) We'll be your friends, Lucille!
Speedy: We sure will! I'm Daisy.
Guido: I'm Gianna! Gianna Brown.
Lucille: Nice to meet you. Gosh, I hope all the girls here as nice as you two!
(Speedy and Guido laugh nervously.)
Speedy: We LOVE girls!
(Guido elbows him.)
Guido: Because that's what we are! A bunch of girls! Right Daisy?
Speedy: (hissing in Guido's ear) Stop hitting my boob, bozo! You're gonna pop one of them if you're not careful.
Guido: (lowering his eyes to Speedy's chest) What have you got down there anyway?
Speedy: Balloons filled with buttermilk.
Guido: I thought they felt bouncy …
Miss Ratina: (standing at the head of the bus) ATTENTION! Attention ladies, eyes to the front!
Speedy: (still hissing at Guido) What are the chances of Lucille doing this course as well as us! Francine was right, somebody outta shoot the writer.
Guido: Chill out! Lucille hasn't got a clue who we are …
(The bus falls silent, listening to Miss Ratina.)
Miss Ratina: Good morning ladies, my name as you all probably know is Selma H. Ratina – better known as Miss Ratina. I've been teaching basic self-defence to girls for ten years now, though this is the first time I've offered the course to residents of Little Tokyo. Make no mistake, ladies: this may be a beginners course, but I'll train you hard. I'll train you tough. I'll mould you from sponges into rocks!
Guido: (murmuring to Speedy) Are we sure this is the Big Cheese? He's usually more flamboyant and prissy when he's dressed like a woman. This Miss Ratina has a definite Judge Judy vibe!
Speedy: (murmuring back) It's gotta be him. Besides, no girl could be that ugly!
Guido: Yeah, 'cause you've already got that covered.
N: At the Pizza Parlour …
Polly: And this is when they were testing different lipstick colours on Guido! Oh, and this is when Speedy was getting his eyelashes tinted!
N: Polly was showing General Catton and Meowsma snapshots of Guido and Speedy being transformed into women. Seeing that neither Polly nor Francine were in good health, Big Al had to send for assistance from the Rescue Team. Like they had anything better to do!
Fran: (entering the scene on crutches) C'mon, Polly! Let the two of them get to work, you shouldn't be near them anyway. Go home and stuff yourself with cold medicine!
General Catton: We were just having a peek, Francine.
Meowsma: One of those photos will make a great Christmas card for the mailout at the end of the year!
(As General Catton and Meowsma return to work, Polly blows her nose.)
Polly: You should go home too, Francine. Get some rest.
Fran: Rest? With all the accounting that needs to be done? I'd prefer to stay here and sit in the back.
Polly: (rolling her eyes) A typical response from a typical workaholic! I'll only need a day or two of rest anyway. I get over colds pretty quickly. With any luck I'll be able to join Speedy and Guido at that course!
N: Speaking of Speedy and Guido …
(The entire bus is singing the following, while bobbing from side to side:
"Three little maids from school are we
Pert as a school-girl well can be
Filled to the brim with girlish glee
Three little maids from school!")
Speedy: (singing loudly from the back) EVERYTHING IS A SOURCE OF FUN!
N: Good grief, he'll never be a man again!
Speedy: (speaking to the Narrator) Forget it! No amount of make-up or girly singing can penetrate the core of my masculinity.
Lucille: Say Daisy! You have such pretty hair, are you a natural blonde?
Speedy: (going into girly overdrive) Why yes I am! And perky!
N: I rest my case.
(One hour later: the bus stops. They've arrived.)
Miss Ratina: (standing at the front of the bus again) All right ladies! Let's clear out please, one by one.
Guido: (staring out the bus window, with Speedy hovering over his shoulder) Looks nice – from the outside, at least.
Speedy: Yeah, not too shabby! Still, be prepared for anything.
(The bus has stopped in front of a circular complex, with small japanese-style wooden cabins around the perimeter and a lush, green field filling the centre.)
Miss Ratina: (standing at the base of the stairs, instructing the girls as they leave the bus single file) Collect your luggage and go stand in the field please! Watch your step there, Gianna.
(Miss Ratina offers her hand to Guido, who reluctantly takes it and hops off the bus.)
Guido: (mumbling to himself) Did I look like I needed to watch my step? Something's not right about that Miss Ratina … AGH!
(Speedy pushes past Guido, knocking him down.)
Speedy: Let me help you with your suitcase, Lucille!
Lucille: Oh, why thank you Daisy! How kind of you. But it's suitcases, actually.
(Speedy's face drops as he discovers Lucille has brought over ten items of luggage with her.)
Speedy: Didn't the brochure say 'travel light'?
Lucille: (puzzled) This isn't light?
(Both Speedy and Guido split Lucille's luggage between them, while also managing to carry their own.)
Guido: You better stop flirting with Lucille 'Daisy' or you'll land us both in hot water!
Speedy: Me? What about you 'Gianna'! I saw you two chatting and giggling on the bus, sharing eachother's lip balm! "Try some Lucille, its banana flavour!"
(Miss Ratina passes Speedy and Guido in that instant. They both shut up.)
Miss Ratina: You two are strong! I like that in a woman … (she winks at them, and walks on ahead)
Speedy: (grossed out) Ew!
Guido: I'll second that.
Miss Ratina: (announcing to the group from the field) Gather round, ladies! That's it.
(Relieved, Speedy and Guido drop Lucille's and their luggage before joining the others in front of Miss Ratina.)
Miss Ratina: I'm going to hand out the keys to the cabins! Please split into pairs.
Speedy: (looking over at Lucille, who appears forlorn) Aw, Lucille's all by herself! Maybe I should pair up with her and you go with one of the others?
Guido: Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you! We're sticking together.
Miss Ratina: After you have your key, go to your assigned cabin with your roommate and deposit your luggage. You'll have half-an-hour to freshen up, after which I want you all back here to commence the first lesson!
N: As Lucille paired off with Faye or May or whoever it was, Speedy and Guido helped her once again with the luggage before finally reaching their own cabin where they were welcomed by the sight of two single beds.
Speedy: (collapsing on the nearest bed, panting) Oh boy …
Guido: (collapsing on the other bed, and throwing off his sandals) Man, my feet are killing are me! What did Lucille pack? Piles of bricks?
Speedy: I think she mentioned something about reserves of ammunition for her hair-do.
Guido: (groaning tiredly) This isn't heaven, this is hell! Surrounded by gorgeous babes and I can't ask out any of them because I'm a gorgeous babe!
Speedy: Maybe you could ask yourself out?
Guido: Very funny. How much time before we have to go back?
Speedy: 'Bout twenty minutes.
Guido: That's not enough time to undress and dress again, is it?
Guido: (taking his wig off a minute and scratching his head) Wearing all this girl stuff takes some serious getting use too.
Speedy: I know, I think my bra's too tight … (he wriggles around uncomfortably) … and I'm pretty sure my boobs are lop-sided thanks to you.
Guido: Why are you using balloons filled with custard anyway? Isn't that risky?
Speedy: It's buttermilk, and the wardrobe department told me it'd be more realistic. Why, what are you using?
Speedy: Yeah well, that's why you've got the rack of a pre-teen girl … (chuckle)
Guido: (covering his chest self-consciously) Better then having a pair of potential milk-bombs strapped to my chest!
N: Will these, er … 'ladies' be able to uncover Miss Selma H. Ratina for who she really is? Will the oestrogen get to them and turn them into girls permanently? Maybe they'll get a sitcom like Tom Hanks and what's-his-name? Stick around!