Herbal Essences

By

PND

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the shampoo product...

AN: For THESMALLESTGHOST who gave me this great prompt...months ago.

Rated R for Ridiculous amounts of non-existant smut!


"Have you seen—"

Hitsugaya saved Shunsui the trouble of finishing his sentence by simply jerking his thumb toward the door behind him. A loud moan escaped from behind the wooden barrier.

"Was that Jyuushirou?" Shunsui wondered, blinking away his confusion.

Hitsugaya's shoulders drooped a little as he tried to focus on his paperwork.

A woman cried out.

"And Rangiku-chan?" Shunsui pressed his ear against the door, trying to hear more.

A second man's loud pants had him backing away quickly.

"What's going on in there?" Shunsui demanded looking at the young captain. "Why wasn't I invited?"

He was rewarded with a slight shrug. Hitsugaya continued on his paperwork, obviously not concerned with whatever was happening in his office and trying not to think that he had been kicked out of it not twenty minutes earlier by a hasty Matsumoto who was dragging along a narcissistic Yumichika and a giggling Ukitake. He didn't want to know what they were doing in there, but those noises had started just a few minutes ago and he really wanted them out of there. Of course, there was no way he was going in there himself. He wasn't crazy.

Shunsui gaped at the door and backed up to sit on the bench next to Hitsugaya. "The three most beautiful people in Soul Society are alone in one room. What could they be doing?"

"I don't know and I don't care," Toushiro huffed, crossing his arms. "As long as they get out of there soon."

Another loud grunt surfaced and Shunsui pouted. "Jyuu always has all the fun."

"Soon," Hitsugaya repeated. "I want them out soon."

There was a loud thud and a muffled curse from Matsumoto. Shunsui was on his feet; leaning against the door in the time it took to blink. The look on his face screamed torture.

"It's no use," Ikkaku said, walking into the room. "Yumichika's in there, right? They probably won't be done for a couple of hours."

Hitsugaya ignored the newest arrival and Shunsui simply turned his eyes in the direction the voice came from.

"What do you mean?" Shunsui's attention was slightly diverted. "Is Yumichika really that good?"

"He's the best," Ikkaku shrugged as he sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall, his zanpakuto propped against his shoulder.

"And have you experienced this before?" Shunsui asked curiously.

"Yeah, he tries to get me to do it all the time, but I always say no... It's such a waste of time," Ikkaku said nonchalantly.

"A waste of time?" Shunsui paled, glancing back towards the door. "How can you say that? What are you some kind of prude or something? I would never pass up something as glorious as this! It's such a turn on just to imagine!"

Hitsugaya's cheeks tinged a little pink.

"What?" Ikkaku blinked and slowly turned to look at the door. "What do you think's going on in there?"

"Don't stop now, Yumichika!" Matsumoto's voice sprung forth from behind the door.

"I can't help it! My hands are busy!" Yumichika's panting had Ikkaku lifting a brow.

"Stop arguing, you two," Ukitake's usually level voice sounded a little throaty. "You can't just leave me like this!"

"Give me a second and I'll finish you off!" Yumichika promised.

Ikkaku gave a slight cough, "Like I said...hours."

"So, you always say no to Ayasegawa?" Shunsui smiled knowingly.

"I—I—" Ikkaku coughed again. "What about yourself? You and Captain Ukitake are always going places together. You can't tell me that you've never done anything with him."

"We've done all sorts of things together," Shunsui chuckled as he caught sight of the young captain. "Ah, Hitsugaya? Is something troubling you? You look flushed."

"I'm fine," Hitsugaya mumbled.

"Captain Ukitake's pretty hot," Ikkaku paused as Yumichika giggled. "You must be a pretty lucky man."

"Now, now," Shunsui reached out to pat Toushirou's springy hair. "What about this boy? He's just about at eye level..."

"That's true," Ikkaku chuckled. "Bet you're going to hate it when you hit a growth spurt."

"Shut up," Hitsugaya snapped and stood up. "Both of you out of my office. NOW."

"Yar, don't be so mean. We're just having some fun. Anyway, I'm a superior officer and I say that both myself and Madarame stay."

"You're ranked the same as I am," Hitsugaya pointed out.

"Details," Shunsui shrugged. "Anyway, they'll probably come out sooner if we're here than if we're not. Everyone knows that Rangiku-chan doesn't listen to a word you say."

Hitsugaya huffed.

"I'll see if I can get Yumi out," Ikkaku stood and knocked on the door. "Oy, Yumichika, you almost done in there?"

"Almost," Yumichika sang back prettily. "We're just getting our appearances back into order."

A loud WHOOSH followed his words.

None of the men outside the door knew what to say.

"What is that?" Hitsugaya was the one to break the silence.

"Damned if I know," Ikkaku shrugged.

"I want one, whatever it is," Shunsui was up against the door again.


A long while later, the door cracked open and the three men sitting outside, lifted their heads. Out of the tenth division office walked gods. Their hair was light and silky and blowing dramatically out behind them.

A vision of innocence with long flaxen locks cascading down his back and wide brown eyes was the first one out, carrying at odd looking contraption that looked like an awkward toy gun with a cord attached to it. He paused, looking at the three men sitting on the bench and blinked.

"Shunsui, what are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," Shunsui muttered, squinting. "Did you...do something with your hair?"

"Not in particular..." Ukitake reached up a hand to stroke the beautiful locks. "I used a new shampoo, but..."

"Captain, Ukitake, you forgot your haori!" Matsumoto bounded out of the room behind him, strawberry-blonde waves flowing out from her angelic face. The white article of clothing she was holding only accentuated the heavenly glow she seemed to possess.

"Oh, thank you," the captain took haori and slid it on, pulling up his hair to keep it out of the way.

"What were you doing in there?" Shunsui whined, watching the curtain of white fall down his back as he released it.

"Captain Ukitake, Matsumoto!" Yumichika followed the two heavenly creatures out of the room, carrying a few bottles. He shook his shiny black locks out of his face and smiled, brushing his hair back with his free hand. "We'll have to do this again soon."

"Definitely," Matsumoto agreed.

"I'd love to," Ukitake nodded.

Shunsui moaned and Hitsugaya sent him a concerned look.

"What was that stuff called again?" The buxom blonde blinked at Yumichika handled her a bottle. "Herbal Essences, hmm?"

"Keep it, I have more," Yumichika winked at Ukitake. "If you stop by my place later I'll let you have some, too."

"Why are you panting?" Ikkaku mumbled to Shunsui, who was looking a little pale.

"I want some of that!" The older man howled.

"Get out of my office," Hitsugaya muttered.

End.