DISCLAIMER: Kim Possible is owned by Disney. Celebrity names are used at their expense.
WARNING: The following is the work of a smartass. It ignores canon, popular ships, character integrity, and decency in general. If you are uptight, humorless, boring, or have control issues, than you're probably better off not reading this. For everyone else, this is the extended version of this story. It includes extra scenes, another classic character, and a greater level of disrespect for other people's property. You have been warned. (Repost)
Horny Lil' Devils
Chapter One: Cursed Possible
Deep in the depths of Hell, past the infinite battlefields of Chorga, alongside the river Styxx, about twenty miles East on the Infernal Freeway, just behind the new Burger Queen that just opened last week, stood the grand palace of the infamous demon, Lord Bandersnatch. Lord Bander, the jerk with a thousand excuses, the scumbag ruler of the only section of the underworld that didn't have a Baldwin secretly in its employ, was in a funk; his recent plot to take over every amusement park in the mortal realm was brought crashing down by a rather competent college girl with red hair. His chicken dealing avatar suffered an embarrassing defeat at the girl's hands and now he was in preparation for what he hoped would be a satisfying revenge.
Dressed in a blazing red, three-piece suit, dragging a massive, black cape, the demon that bore an unsettling resemblance to one Colonel Sanders paced in his throne room. A busty succubus sat behind a huge, wooden desk and typed at a computer, taking dictation from her evil employer.
"I don't want any spelling errors, last time it made me look like a douche bag!" The demon gentleman spat. "Anybody can misspell potato, it's a common mistake!"
"Well, all the mentally handicapped guys in the audience felt better about themselves thanks to you." The lady answered without even looking up. "Even David Arquette felt superior for about ten seconds…"
"Just shut up and type, dammit!" The lord pulled out a rubber stress ball and began squeezing it rapidly. "Gotta watch my blood pressure; Barkin, get those two imps up here! I gotta little job for 'em!" Bandersnatch smiled with sinister glee. "Those two are the biggest welts on the ass of Hell since Jeff Buckley showed up."
A rather large, menacing fiend with broad wings and a flat top saluted and left the chamber, his pole arm clanked against the marble floors as he walked. The monster scowled to himself as he rolled the images of the two hell-pests around in his evil brain. The pair had made it their business to harass and humiliate the guard since they were big enough to give wedgies and smart enough to rig traps on his toilet.
Two young devils sat at a table in the lower regions of the castle. Their classes at torture 101 and psychological harassment having been completed, the two had settled in to play a round of their favorite CCG, Murderers: The Gathering. The clumsy looking devil sported blond hair, freckles, and red hued skin. One of the horns perched on his forehead stood straight up, while the other pointed straight down. His tail, instead of being long and straight, was curly, like a little pig, and he wore dark cargo pants and a red hockey jersey.
His buddy across from him displayed spiky, green hair, blue skin and a pair of horns that both pointed up with one of them broken off at the tip. His grey prep suit was rumpled, and his extra long tail wrapped about his waist, doubling as a belt. One blue eye and one brown eye peered out from his head and his snake-like tongue flicked over his fangs as he furrowed his brow in concentration.
"Ok, I'll block your Ted Bundy with my Richard Ramirez… and I'll counter with… The Zodiac Killer, beat THAT!" The blue devil crossed his arms and smirked.
"Hmmm, how about…" The blond peeked over his cards and stuck his tongue out as he considered his move. "My new ultra-rare card!" The red devil tossed the card onto the table and fired a sneaky grin at his opponent.
"Hannibal Lector!? He's a fictional character, he shouldn't count!" The blue guy frowned and cursed.
"He counts because he's COOL!" Red-guy fired back, looking satisfied.
"Well, ya got me there…" Blue-guy admitted defeat.
Ron Stoppable (Red-guy) and Ted Keening (Blue-guy) were the two MOST annoying imps in the Lower Planes, both rank five in station and BOTH under the employ of Lord Bandersnatch, who gave strict orders for the both of them to stay as FAR away from him as possible, unless told otherwise. Amongst the legions of Hell, imps were classified as spies, messengers, scribes, and in the case of our two card-players, contracted subjects used for applying curses of vengeance. Red imps were shape shifters, capable of taking the form of small to medium sized animals, while the blue ones could give off pheromones that would attract females. The two working in tandem have driven even HIGH ranking devils into insanity; a record which is often overlooked in favor of murderous brutality, an act which the two don't seem to care for.
Ron was the most un-devilish of the current generation of imps. His naïve innocence and laid back attitude made him seem almost good in comparison to his contemporaries, whilst his live-and-let-live philosophy was down right unheard of in the Infernal Regions. These seemingly positive traits were, however, over shadowed by the rage inducing, hair pulling acts of destruction and stupidity that followed in his wake. The two biggest contributors to this delinquent streak lie in his best friend Ted and his imaginary mentor, a blue skinned weirdo who called himself "Drew". The unhealthy combination has led many to believe that the hapless Stoppable was not only a tool, but completely insane.
Ted, on the other hand, could best be described as a weak willed slave to his many excesses. Smoking, drinking, sex and drugs were just the tip of the iceberg for this sponge-spined pervert, whose soul reason to exist is found primarily at the bottom of a bottle or between the sheets of a woman's bed. He can't really be classified as evil, more like selfish, rude, ignorant, horny, stupid and above all else… easily tempted. With Stoppable being his only friend, Ted included the blond devil in nearly all his schemes, most of which involved the complete public de-pantsing of many of the duos sworn enemies, who by now, included most of hell.
"STOPPABLE, you and your BUDDY need to get your sorry asses up to the boss's chamber, PRONTO! He's got a little JOB for the two of you!" Barkin, First Captain of the "Kill First and Ask Questions Later" Brigade, loomed over the two and snorted smoke into their faces.
"Aw man, brimstone breath, you really should invest in a quality mouthwash Mr. B!" Ron held his nose and fanned the acrid stench out of his face.
"Aren't you supposed to be doubling for Dr. Phil or something?" Ted smirked and clicked his teeth at the grouchy overseer.
"You listen to ME, you little ASS-CLOWNS, if I have to repeat myself, I'm going to be forced to throw you both in the Corn-hole Cavern, with NO pants on, GOT IT!?" Barkin smacked Stoppable across the ass with his pole arm to solidify the threat.
"Ok, ok… geez… ya don't gotta be a jerk about it!" Ron stood up and slouched his way towards the door.
"Hey Bark, I just got this poster print back from that one-hour place, ya like it?" Ted held up an enlarged glossy of himself and Ted Nugent having intercourse with a rather attractive Erinyes, one that Barkin recognized immediately.
"THAT'S MY WIFE, YOU ASSHOLE!" Barkin roared with anger and impaled the blue jackass through the chest with his pole arm and tossed him through the door, leaving a huge, splintered hole in the wood. The imp struggled to his feet as the nasty wound quickly healed up, and scoffed at the big hole in his clothes.
"I ain't payin' to get this fixed!" Ted shouted.
"YOU BETTER BE THANKFUL YOUR RANK IS HIGH ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU FROM PERMANENTLY DYING, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS!" Barkin proceeded to repeatedly stab both imps as they ran down the hall towards the stairs.
"I want the two of you to get your asses up to the human world and curse the HELL out of a certain redhead that has it coming!" Lord Bander's crimson eyes practically blazed with anger as he addressed the two pranksters.
"Redhead…, ya mean Lindsay Lohan?!" Ted gasped in shock. "No way, I ain't goin' nowhere near a rehab center!"
"Maybe he means Gillian Anderson." Ron rubbed his chin in thought. "After she released that album of hers, she definitely deserves it."
"THIS…" Lord Bandersnatch roared, as he shoved a photograph into the faces of his two subjects. "… Is KIM POSSIBLE! This pain-in-the-ass mortal is the reason Project: Funzone failed miserably; now we can't get our rides and confections!"
"No bumper cars?!" Ron stated, looking horrified.
"No blow-job tent?!" Ted looked even more dejected than his friend.
"No NOTHING! I want you two to go to Earth and make this girl's life a living hell! I want you to do all the ANNOYING things you two jack-offs do around here to drive US insane, only WORSE, understand?!"
"You mean we get a…" Ron stammered.
"… A permanent pass to the Mortal World?!" Ted finished the question.
"Precisely!" The angry demon lord placed his hands on his hips and laughed maniacally.
"BOOYAH!" The two yelled simultaneously and gave each other a high-five.
Ron looked over the picture a little more carefully. "Uh, this photo is really crappy… is she a Sasquatch or maybe a bear?"
"She's some snot-nosed do-gooder or something, I don't know because I didn't get a good look. Our contact on the mortal plane gave us the exact location of her dwelling, and the legal department has worked out a reason for you two to make the jump. All you have to do is give her this legal document and then you can start driving her insane." The evil tyrant pushed his tiny glasses further up his face and looked hard at his subjects. "I don't have to remind you of what will happen if you screw this up, do I?"
"Uh, no… no sir!" Ronald squirmed under the glare.
"Boss, when it comes to annoying people, me and the Ron-ster are professionals! You got nuthin' to worry about." Ted rubbed his fingernails against his shirt and blew on them, looking smug.
"You had better be right, Keening, or it will be HELL to pay!!" Bandersnatch shook his fist at both of them.
"Aren't we already in hell?" Ron stated, matter-of-factly.
"Just shut up and get outta here!"
Leaving Bander's throne room, the two made their way down to the Department of Transportation to catch a portal to the human world. Sadly, the line for outgoing service was revoltingly long, and most of the receptionists were out to lunch… or sleeping.
Ron and Ted took their place at the end of the line, which snaked its way all around the room. A LED sign hanging on the ceiling indicated that number thirteen was being served, and our imps stood somewhere in the upper two-hundreds.
"Damn, this line is hella long!" Ted wore a look of annoyance on his face as he stood holding a six pack and puffing on a joint. "If I wasn't stoned and drunk, I'd be pretty pissed by now!"
"Aw man, we gotta stand and wait?!" Ron sighed and let his shoulders sag at his sides.
"Well, young man, aren't we giving up easily?"
The familiar voice grabbed Stoppable's attention as he turned to look behind him. A rather tall man with blue skin, black hair and a scar on his face stood in line, staring at Ron with expectancy.
"Are you going to just stand here and let these idiots block your way, or are you going to do something about it?" The tall man frowned and crossed his arms impatiently.
"Drew, I didn't see you come in here!" Ron stared at the man with a puzzled look.
"That's not important!" Placing his arms behind his back, Drew began to pace back and forth as he lectured the imp. "What IS important is that you get these buffoons out of our way so we can go to the human world and wreck havoc… ahem… I mean… complete our mission."
"How am I supposed to that?" Ron looked as vacant as Tom Arnold's day planner.
"It's obvious; you set that desk on fire!" Drew pointed to the piece of furniture in question that sat not too far away. The owner had put a "be back in fifteen" sign up and departed long ago.
"Wait a minute!" Stoppable frowned and put his hands on his hips. "I gotta couple of questions before I do anything!"
"Very well, ask your questions, but make it snappy!" Drew furrowed his eyebrows and leered at the boy.
"Why am I the only one who can see you?" The blond crossed his arms and stared at the blue guy.
"I have powers; you're not the only one who can do magical things you know!" Drew turned away, feigning insult. "Any other questions, young man?"
"Why does your advice always include burning stuff?"
The evil man ran his hand over his face with anger and turned to the lad. "Vandalism is the sole reason you got promoted this far, and with you being so lazy, fire is the best method. You just simply start one, and it does all the work!"
Ron scratched his head in confusion and answered. "Can't argue with the results, can I?"
"Certainly not!" Drew rubbed his hands together in fiendish glee. "Now, as the young people say, let's light this mother up!"
A few well placed matches in the trash can and one on a pile of papers, and soon the desk was ablaze. The fire spread to the adjoining furniture and was soon out of control. As smoke filled the air, the room's occupants panicked and a riot ensued.
"What the hell is wrong with these people, I'm allowed to smoke in here!" Ted was so thoroughly baked at this point that he didn't even notice the blaze.
"Dude, we should probably get goin'!" Ron pushed Keening to the front of the room, past the hordes of screaming devils that were using the chaos as an excuse to fight and steal things.
Emptying his last beer, Ted tossed it over his shoulder and staggered up to the gate keeper, a gargoyle-like face protruding from the wall adjacent to a large mirror. Removing their written orders, he stuffed it into the monsters jaws and quickly pulled back his hand to avoid losing it. The stone face chewed up the writ and belched before addressing the two.
"Enter the portal and have a nice trip, you douche bags!"
The two were instantly sucked into the reflective surface and with a slight whistle, disappeared.
Kim Possible, the beautiful, twenty-one year old, world-saving heroine lived with her recently widowed, brain surgeon mother Anne Possible in a quaint house in the town of Middleton. Together with her super boy genius, tech expert friend Wade, she fought against super villains all over the world and still had time to study at Middleton University, the town's upstanding college.
Over a year ago, her rocket scientist father, Doctor James Timothy Possible, was raped and gored by a walrus and died. With no brothers or sisters, Kim and her mother grew close and that provided all the family she needed. Things in her life, however, were about to be turned upside down.
The sun was long gone and the moon shone over the Possible house like a big spotlight, illuminating the broken shingles and leaf-filled rain gutters. Kim was the girl who could do anything, except find the time for standard roof maintenance. Both of the redheads were sound asleep and the town was dead quiet.
A huge, demonic head suddenly appeared in their backyard and looked about the area with disdain. Bulging its cheeks, it made a sound like a guy pulling up mucous from his throat and spat two lumps into the air. One of them crashed through a fence and landed in a flower bed, while the other was embedded in the side of a tree. The sound of a dog barking was heard clearly in the distance as the two recent arrivals regained consciousness.
"Why can't our portals be nice and comfortable like the ones in Acheron?" Ron spat out a mouth full of topsoil and tried to pry pieces of fence out of his ass.
Ted emitted a series of mumbles as he tried to extricate himself from the tree, and with one last tug, he fell free and landed on a garden gnome. "The folks in Acheron are all snooty and stuck up, their idea of evil is passing stupid censorship laws and banning pornography, besides, you have to tip the elevator guys and I hate payin' for anything!"
The two stood side by side and examined the house. The unnatural skin coloration of the two visitors had taken on a more human tone, allowing them to intermingle with mortals easier. Their horns and tails were absent too.
"Is this the right place?" Ted mused, as his buzz caused him to sway back and forth.
"Eh, I don't know… what do you think, Rude-fus?" Ron dug in his pocket and produced his pet naked devil-rat.
"Bleh!" The little pink creature with big fangs and little horns snorted in response.
"Screw it, let's just break in and trash the place!" Ted removed a pill bottle from his jacket and threw back a couple of painkillers.
"Are you sure?" Ron looked with derision at his partner. "I don't wanna get busted down to scooping devil-horse doodoo again because we got the wrong house!"
"We've got a permanent pass this time, besides, if we're wrong, we'll just keep tryin' till we find it!" Ted took big strides toward the house and Ron followed behind.
Kim lay sleeping in her bed, wearing her Spongebob footie pajamas, her face covered with a cucumber-melon crème mask and her hair in curlers; the girl was completely unaware of the two hell spawn that looked down on her as she snoozed away.
"Damn, looks like someone beat us to it." Ted looked away from the girl.
"I never really liked aiming for the face, seems so… rude." Ron mused as he poked around her possessions.
"Well, there's no time like the present. I'll get the first prank ready, you make sure not to break anything or wake her up!" Ted opened his Lil' Debil's Prank Bag of Holding and searched for his tools. Ron picked up some of her clothes and held them up to himself to see how they would look. Rude-fus, on the other hand, began writing obscenities on all her posters.
A few moments later, Ted was ready to go. He proudly displayed a chicken, covered with maple syrup, stuck on the end of a pole. "Ok, dude, you hold her down and keep her from screamin' and I'll shove this up her ass!"
"Rodger!" Ron squinted slightly. "Hey, how am I supposed to keep her from screamin'?"
"Duh, it's called fellatio, are you really that dense?" Ted frowned at Stoppable.
"Fellatio? My gramma's new boyfriend? What does he have to do with this?" Ron looked puzzled and shocked at the same time.
Suddenly, the chicken's eyes snapped open and the fowl regained consciousness. Seeing its predicament, the bird began to flap its wings and squawk at the top of its lungs.
"Oh SHIT!" Ted recoiled in terror.
Possible jumped up and stared in horror at the two freaks in her room. "Oh my GAWD, perverted burglars!" She proceeded to reach under her bed and produced an axe, with which she used to hack both of them to bloody pieces. Regaining her senses, she looked over the carnage and panicked. "Oh no, I've done it AGAIN! I gotta clean this up before Mom wakes up!"
The heroine (sort of) wrapped the bodies up in a carpet and dragged them outside to bury. Tossing the bloody axe and shovel into the basement, she returned to her room and pretended nothing had happened. While all of this was taking place, Rude-fus did the first thing that came to mind, he swallowed the chicken whole.
"Ok, everything is fine. I DIDN'T just kill two people and bury them in my yard. I'm a good girl, daddy said so… DAMN walrus!" Kim mumbled to herself. A sound out back suddenly caught her attention. "Oh no, please don't be the police… please don't be the police."
She tip-toed through the kitchen and peered out the back door, craning her head carefully to see the length of her yard. Not seeing anything, she carefully opened the door and stepped outside, only to be stopped in her tracks by two filthy imp-men with looks of disgust on their faces.
"Hero, my ass!" Ted snipped, his clothes ruined.
"That was WAY not cool!" Ron smacked the side of his head, trying to clear the dirt clods out of his ears.
"ZOMBIES, I'll take care of you rotted scum bags!" Possible grabbed a shotgun from behind the trashcans to her left and aimed at the devil boys.
"Jesus CHRIST, wait a minnit!" Ted grabbed the writ and pushed it towards her. "This will explain everything!"
Kim looked the man over and lowered the gun. Taking the paper from his hand, she unfolded it and read it aloud.
Dear Insolent Hoe-bag,
For interfering with Project: Funzone and defying the almighty Lord Bandersnatch, you are hereby cursed and henceforth shall be plagued by these two hell spawn until the end of time. The creatures noted shall be with you always, causing you unending torment and humiliation from which there shall be no escape. You cannot kill them, or dismiss them until the aforementioned terms have been met or the mighty Lord Bandersnatch willingly concedes his judgment. May you live in misery.
Sincerely, the Bandersnatch Legal Department
"Creatures from hell that cause me torment, humiliation and from which there is no escape? I'm being cursed by the cast of Dawson's Creek!?" Kim yelped.
"No, dammit, WE"RE the hell spawn!" Ted tugged at his thinning hair in anger.
"What the hell, you've got to be kidding me!?" Kim looked at the two of them with venomous doubt.
"Nope, it's the real thing, you're cursed, baby!" Ted smirked at the redhead.
"One way to find out!" Possible raised the gun and blew Ted's head right off. Seconds later, his noggin inflated from his neck like a balloon and returned to normal.
"OW, what the hell are you doing?!" Ted touched his face and smoothed out his hair. "That shit hurts!"
"Holy crap, you ARE unkillable! What did I do to be cursed? Who the hell is Lord Bandersnatch?!" Possible fired the questions rapidly.
"He's a guy in a cape who looks like Colonel Sanders, he tried to take over some amusement parks for us, but you RUINED it!" Ron looked away with anger, his arms crossed in disdain.
"The roller coaster guy was a REAL demon; I thought he was just a nut job! How was I supposed to know?" Kim rolled her eyes and slumped her shoulders.
"Yep, and there's nothing you can do to stop us, NOTHING!" Ted sneered in triumph and turned away.
"Oh really, NOTHING, huh?" Kim's face turned to a wicked smirk.
Moments later the cops showed up after Kim called them. The boys in blue cuffed the devils and drug them across the lawn.
"Hey, this isn't fair, you can't do this! We have a contract, a CONTRACT!" Ted shouted as a burly cop banged his head off of the police cruiser's hood.
"Ow, OW, why are you beating me!" Ron screamed, as a night stick collided with his skull over and over.
"I received my sensitivity training from Jackson Brown, now shut UP!" The officer tossed him head first into the car and chucked Keening in after him.
"Thank gawd, I'm going back to sleep. Good riddance!" Kim dusted her hands and walked back into her house.
Ron and Ted were driven to the Middleton Police station and booked. Both of them were chucked into a cell and had to wait to be processed. They sat side-by-side on a bench in a ten-by-ten room occupied by two vagrants, who were currently eyeing their new cellmates.
"Wow, I've never been in a human jail before! Now I can learn how to carve a shiv out of a toothbrush and brew schnapps in a toilet!" Ron exclaimed as he looked about with glee.
Ted turned to the vagrants and spoke. "If either of you are contemplating raping me, I gotta warn ya, there's a gateway in my ass that leads directly to Mel Gibson's house, and that guy is nuts!"
The two men formed looks of disgust on their faces and moved quickly to the opposite side of the cell, leaving the partners to discuss their options.
"We gotta get outta here! I don't want to blow this, our reputations will be ruined!" Ted whispered.
"Wait, I know!" Ron whipped out his devil-rat. "Ok, Rude-fus, it's up to you now!"
Rude-fus looked around with anger and snorted. "Blah!" Walking up to the two vagrants, the rat grew to twice his size and muscle mass and proceeded to beat the shit out of both them. Rude-fus walked down the row of cells and beat the hell out of every prisoner, causing the room to be filled with shouts and screams.
One of the inmates stuck his head through the bars and shouted for help. "Danny DeVito is in here, and he's kickin' everybody's asses!"
A cop opened the door to the holding area and stepped inside, only to be punched in the balls and kicked repeatedly by a pink hell beast. Grabbing the keys off of the downed officer, the devil-rat returned to his owner and handed them over. "Bleh!"
"Thanks, buddy, I think…" Ron put the mean lil' bastard back in his pocket and used the keys to open the cell.
Ted quickly dressed in the cop's uniform and Ron changed into a police dog. Making their way back upstairs, the two were confronted by a pair of beat cops who were just checking in.
"Hey, I don't know you. What's your name, rookie?" The older officer put his hand on his chin and narrowed his eyes at the two.
"I'm… uh… Officer Buff Hungwell and this is my dog, Scumbag." Ted answered, being a smartass. Ron-dog looked up at him with disgust.
"Okay, where are you takin' him, the other dogs are in the kennel this time of night." The cop squinted at Ron-dog.
"Me and Dennis Franz are gonna take Scumbag here and go down to the park to beat the hell out of some homeless guys." Ted laid it on thick, causing Ron-dog to grunt in shock and growl at him.
"Oh yeah, me and Hightower use to do that." The jerk-off laughed at his own comment and the two cops went on their way, leaving Ron and Ted to continue their escape.
Slipping out into the parking area, Ron returned to normal and turned to his partner in anger "Scumbag, what kinda name is Scumbag?!"
"Yeah, that was awesome!" Ted laughed at Ron before taking a fist to the face. The two punched each other for a good thirty seconds before something caught Ted's attention.
The line of squad cars beckoned to the imp as he fumbled with the key ring on his stolen uniform. "I've always wanted to drive a car, and now I'm finally gonna do it!"
"Booyah, we get to go cruisin'?" Ron lit up like Hugh Hefner at a Viagrow convention.
Minutes later, a cop car tore out of the stations parking garage and roared down the street; plowing into mailboxes and side-swiping cars; the imps seemed to completely forget their reason for being there.
Ted rooted through the glove compartment until he found a flask of vodka. "Alright, that's what I call back up!" He threw back the booze, not even paying attention to the road.
"Cool, a shotgun!" Ron grabbed the firearm and accidentally squeezed the trigger, blowing a huge hole in the cars roof.
The blast caused Ted to swerve into oncoming traffic, where he ran an old lady into a ditch and forced a car full of teenagers into a utility pole. Returning to his lane, Ted picked up the radio and tried turning it on.
"I'm gonna put out an A.P.B. on Harry Potter and Scott Bakula!"
Ron managed to pull the gun out of its rack and leaned over to the driver's side. "I wanna do it, let me!" He managed to jerk the trigger again and this time the front windshield was blasted out.
Shattered glass flew everywhere and Ted lost control of the car. The two plowed through several fences, demolished a tool shed, and sent an old guy rolling over the hood. Knocking over a swing set, the car slammed head on into a tree and finally came to a halt. Climbing out of the wreckage, the two looked on with sadness as the car sputtered and died.
"Will you put that thing down, you're dangerous with guns!" Ted frowned at Ron.
"I'm not gonna do it again, I'm not stupid!" Ron slung the gun over his shoulder, causing it to go off again. This time, it nailed an overhanging power line, severing it in two. One half snapped and sparked as it fell against the side of a nearby house, catching it on fire. The tree that killed their stolen cop car snapped in half and fell onto the house's roof, buckling it in and partially collapsing one side.
Keening ripped off the cop's uniform and turned to run. "Let's get the hell out of here!"
"Wait for me!" Ron tossed the gun into some bushes and followed as the two bolted away into the night, leaving the (thankfully) empty house to burn and fall down.
Drew stood there, rubbing his hands in victory. "Yes, the devastation has begun!" The sound of police sirens in the distance startled the man. "Oh poopies, time to go!" He took off after the imps with his tail between his legs (figuratively).
The sun rose over the town of Middleton and morning had set in long before the two devil boys found their way back to the Possible homestead. Cops had been combing the town all night in search of the hellions, forcing the two to lie low and wait till sun up. Kim had left early to attend her morning classes and Anne made a quick trip to a local food mart to pick up a few things. The beautiful, older woman was just pulling into the driveway when Ron and Ted spotted her.
"That's not the chick from last night, who is she?" Ron looked to his partner with confusion.
"Whoever she is, she's HOT!" Ted giggled and formed a plan in his horny brain. "I'll distract the fox at the front door and YOU sneak in the back and see if the cursed chick is in there."
"Ok, what do I do if she's here?" Stoppable stuck out his upper lip and squinted.
"You can always read her that essay you wrote that describes everyone who likes Will and Grace as being delusional." Ted produced his Bag O' Pranks out of mid-air and searched for a prop or two.
"I still stand by my theory, that show is terrible!" Ron stuck out his lip in frustration before the two separated and moved into position.
Ron made his way around back while Ted approached the front door. Slicking back his hair, Keening pushed the door bell and waited anxiously.
"Hello, can I help you?" Kim's gorgeous mother opened the door and smiled at the young man.
"Ma'am, I'm collecting donations for a charitable organization. We fight to protect baby penguins from being run over by threshers." He showed her a cute stuffed penguin wearing a baseball uniform, he squeezed it and the animal emitted a cute "peeping" sound.
"Aw, how adorable, please come in." Anne waved the Ted-ster inside.
"I'm also chairman of the "Don't Allow Hayden Christensen to Make Any More Movies" initiative." Ted chirped.
"Well, if making a sith lord look like a whiney little bitch is any indication of his acting ability, then your initiative shouldn't have to work very hard." The older woman chimed in.
"Huh?" Ted looked at her with bemused shock.
"Oh nothing." Anne winked closed the door behind him.
Ron climbed through an unlocked window and found himself in the kitchen. Rude-fus hopped out of Ron's pocket and grabbed a newspaper off the floor and walked into the bathroom.
"Okay, now that I'm in…" Ron looked around with confusion. "… What do I do?"
"What do you DO, indeed?" Drew appeared, tapping his foot in disappointment. "Do we need to go over this again?!"
"I can't burn the house down, we're supposed to make her miserable, not kill everybody!" Ron frowned at the blue meanie.
"You don't need to burn the whole place down, just one appliance at a time!" Drew walked over to the microwave. "Like this thing, for example."
"Dude, that's a microwave, me and Ted use to use his to scorch Barkin's underwear before we flushed them down the crapper." Ron opened the fridge and found a frozen burrito, which he popped into the micro' and nuked.
"You… you… INGRATE, after everything I've done for you and you ignore me!" Drew, in an over dramatic fashion, flung his arm over his face and pretended to weep.
"Hey come on, it's not like that!" Ron patted him on the back. "I guess I can find something little to burn."
"Wonderful!" Drew recovered instantly and pointed to a pile of Teen Heroine magazines. "Let's torch those!"
Ted sat down on a couch in the living room as Anne Possible ran upstairs to search for a few dollars to make a donation. His eyes settled on the liquor cabinet against the wall.
"Might as well make myself at home." Keening jimmied open the cabinet and began guzzling down booze.
When Anne finally returned, Ted was sprawled on the couch, surrounded by empty bottles and looking as haggard as Robert Downey Jr.
"What are you DOING?" The brain surgeon placed her hands on her hips and scowled at the drunk.
'Uh oh, I'm in trouble! Better use my secret weapon!' Ted released his pheromones in force, flooding the room. 'Pervert powers, activate!'
"Why does it smell like gingerbread all of a sudden?" Anne looked over at her young guest.
"Got me?" Ted tried to sit up, but by now the room was spinning.
The stronger the wonderful smell became, the more Anne found herself attracted to the guy on her couch. Unbuttoning the top two buttons of her blouse, the redhead sat down right next to Ted and leaned over to him. "So, you like saving animals, huh? That's a sweet thing to do."
"Yeah, animals, homeless people, Gary Busey, I save 'em all."" Keening peered at her cleavage and started to drool.
Anne noticed the man's wandering eyes and shot him a sultry smile. "Mind if I pet your "penguin"?"
"If I can remember where I left him…" Keening looked around the room for the discarded stuffed animal.
"Ooh, I think I found him…" Anne shoved her hand down the front of Ted's pants and uh… handled his hammer.
"Oh, THAT penguin, sure go ahead!"
Undoing his belt and pulling out his equipment, the older woman whispered into his ear. "Now that he's no longer in captivity, I should give him a kiss and cheer him up."
"Uh… yeah… um…" All the blood was slowly draining out of one head and rushing into the other. The seductive siren slid to her knees and swallowed his "penguin", causing Ted to grin like a lottery winner.
"Now that I'm in his shoes, I can't judge Bill Clinton so harshly anymore…"
The burning magazines fell off the counter and landed in the trash, catching it on fire as well. Running around the kitchen waving his arms, Ron panicked and only added to the chaos as the fire spread to the wall and began heading for the ceiling. Rude-fus stepped out of the bathroom after having successfully plugged up the toilet, and gasped at the arson in progress. Doubling his size again, the rodent grabbed Ron by the legs and began beating him against the wall, trying to douse the flames.
Drew danced around the kitchen chanting, "I'm going to have my own evil kingdom here on earth, and no one is going to stop me!"
"OW… OW… OW!" The dork cried as his body connected with the drywall over and over again. Stoppable's clothing was now in flames, as the devil-rat dropped him and began tearing the wall paper off in an attempt at preventing the fire from spreading any further. Ron ran over to the sink and violently began turning the nozzles until he broke them both off and sent a stream of water spraying around the room. By the time the disaster had been ended, the kitchen was reduced to a disaster area. The walls were covered with scorch marks and everything in the room was soaked. Stoppable was burnt on one side of his body and bruised all over, his clothes now completely in tatters. The devil-rat shrunk back to normal and fell asleep on the counter.
The evil figment (?) of Ron's imagination stood next to him and smirked. "You know, you really could get a different pet, one that's not so quick to utilize violence."
"I owe him several grand in football wagers." Ron mumbled as he lay on the linoleum.
"Oh…" Drew wrinkled up his face in disdain. "Sucks to be you."
As Ron's wounds began to heal, he stalked into the bathroom and froze in his tracks at the revolting condition of the crapper.
"Rude-fus, I'm not cleaning this up!" Ron peeked out of the bathroom and glared at the rat.
"Bleh!" The devil rat replied.
Ted had made the mistake of over doing it with his "powers" and now Anne Possible was in a sexual frenzy. Ripping his clothes off and tossing him on the floor, the woman mounted and began riding him like a bronco. The redhead took him in every way imaginable, as the now terrified drunk tried in vain to escape. Crawling on hands and knees, Ted made it halfway out of the living room door before Anne grabbed him and dragged him back in. The sound of furniture breaking and Ted bellowing was eventually drowned out by the ear piercing shriek of a woman climaxing.
Putting on a bath robe and lighting up a cigarette, the redhead took stock of the situation. "I gotta start giving to charity more often!"
Keening lay unconscious on the floor, naked and covered with bruises. He moaned slightly and twitched like a dying man. The front door flew open and Kim announced her arrival.
"Mom, I'm home!" The girl smelled smoke and rushed into the kitchen, only to scream in shock at the mess.
"What the HELL happened in here?!" Possible rushed back the way she came and stormed into the living room, only to be stunned yet again.
"Mom, what the… OH MY GAWD!" She nearly keeled over at the sight of the naked guy lying unconscious on the floor and her Mom sitting on the couch smoking.
"Hi, honey, I was just helping to save some penguins!" Anne gave her daughter an evil grin and took another drag off of her smoke.
Ron stumbled into the room with a broken plunger and gave everyone a look of revulsion. "I feel like I just finished cleaning Jim Belushi's bathroom after an all night beer and pizza binge!"
Kim sneered in rage at the familiar guy, balling up her fists; she took a menacing step towards him. "What the HELL are YOU TWO doing here? You're supposed to be in JAIL!"
"You're cursed, you CAN'T get rid of us, remember?" Ron scowled and took a step back.
"This… is… NOT… happening!" Kim looked at the ceiling and growled.
Ted began to come to. "Oh man, my crotch is KILLING me!"
"Sweetie, are you ready to go again or should I give you another five minutes?" Anne looked down at the man on the floor.
"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" Kim screamed so loud that all the birds in the neighborhood flew for their lives.
End Chapter One
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The following scene was removed from an attempted first draft only a few months ago. As funny as it is, it simply didn't fit the scene. So for your enjoyment, I present... The Race!
Ted slammed on the brakes of the stolen police car at the sight of an overhanging stop light. Ron looked at him with confusion.
"What are you doing, dude?" The Stopper looked at his partner inquisitively.
"I dropped my fukkin' cigarette!" Keening bent over and starting rooting around the floorboards.
A black, pimped out Camaro slid up next to the cop car and a bald, tanned, thuggish lookin' jerk leaned out the window and grabbed Ron's attention.
"Hey, you guys wanna drag?"
"That guy just called us drag queens!" The Ron-ster grabbed Ted and pointed his face towards the racer.
"Okay, you Vin Diesel lookin' asshole!" The Ted-ster leaned across the passengers seat. "Same to ya!"
The man misunderstood the statement and at the green light, stomped on the gas and took of like a bat outta hell.
"That pussy is tryin' to get away!" Ted floored it and gave pursuit.
"This is FUN!" Ron opened the glove compartment and started rooting around.
The police car pulled up next to the Camaro and Ted started shouting at the driver.
"You ain't goin' nowhere, you fukkin' piece of shit!" Keening rammed into the side of the drag racer, creating sparks and a huge dent.
"Are you two assholes fukkin' crazy?" The bald idiot fought to keep control of his ride.
"Bombs away!" The Stopper started throwing whatever he could find at the other car.
The two cars traded paint over and over again, causing other motorists to swerve off the road and slam into utility poles. Garbage rained from the window of the stolen squad car and Stoppable tossed everything at him but the kitchen sink. When everything else was gone, Ron discovered a loaded revolver under the seat.
"Booyah!" The imp's face lit up like a Christmas tree.
"What the HELL?!" Ted recoiled as the chase ripped through a 'Road Closed' sign.
Both cars bounced along the torn up pavement, shaking the occupants like bingo balls in that stupid air machine that old people use at fire halls. Ron started randomly pulling the trigger on his new sidearm, sending bullets flying in every direction. One of the hollow points caught Ted right in the face.
"Uh oh..." The Stoppable turned white as the car swerved out of control.
The police car flew up the side of a huge mound of dirt and became airbourne. Ron gasped out the window at a passing bird as the cruiser landed right on top of the fleeing Camaro. Both vehicles came to a screeching halt, only to pitch and roll, sending metallic debris hurtling in all directions. The two cars finally came to a stop after rolling for a good 200 yards. Both mangled wrecks sat there for a second before exploding into twin balls of fire. Two charred figures crawled out of the wreckage.
"Man, I still never found my cigarette..." Ted was singed black and smoldering.
"I lost my gun." Ron frowned and tried to extinguish the fire on top of his head.
"I wonder what happened to the other guy?"
The bald driver woke up and found himself surrounded by fire and brimstone. Two demons scrambled up to the guy and greeted him.
"Howdy chum, how's it hangin'?" The first creature looked like a bag of manure with a face.
"This your first day?" The second resembled a road cone with one giant eyeball.
"Holy shit, I'm in HELL!!" The man paniked immediately. "This is HORRIBLE!"
"It ain't THAT bad!" Manure bag retorted.
"Yeah, do ya like butt sex?" Road Cone asked politely.
"NO!" The new guy answered in terror.
"On second thought, you WILL hate it here."
The two grabbed the guy and hauled him away, kicking and screaming.