For some time now, I believe three or four years, I have wanted to come back and write a Harry Potter fic with a compilation of all the different 'Annoy Snape' lists out there, and I wanted it to have plot. Well, I got bored watching HP4 yesterday and just started typing this up as a possible beginning. This story is going to contain a lot of characters, humor, drama, and romance, too. Judging on the feedback and my schedule, I'll write more when I can. I hope you enjoy it, and please leave a review - I respond to them all and love to talk plot as much as anything else. Thanks for having a look! :)
. Chapter One .
"Hermione, what is that?"
Hermione snapped her Potions book shut on a piece of parchment abruptly, stammering, "W-what's what?"
From across the table, Ron pointed to a word on her essay she was allowing him to copy while Harry delved deeply into a bowl of oatmeal beside him.
"That one, there," he pointed. "'-notable cases doctored?'"
Hermione slid her Potions book aside to look. "'Documented,' Ronald."
"Oh, documented, okay," he said, quickly scribbling the word down.
Hermione sighed. He was pathetic sometimes. Though, they had all had an exhausting night of sleeplessness, so she found pity on him yet again and relented after arguing with him in the common room for twenty minutes. She watched him copy it word for word carelessly. It would be no use nagging on it because he didn't listen. How did she come to be so passive of this?
Still watching Ron write furiously in the three minutes he had, Hermione reached for her Potion's book off to the side. Her hand unexpectedly met the bare table. She whipped her head around quickly, eyes widening as Harry laughed, "Hermione, where'd you get this?"
Oh dear. She stared at him silently as he nudged Ron, her Potions book opened in front of him and her sheet of parchment in hand.
"Ron, have a look at this."
Ron's nose was practically smudging the ink by now, arm moving a mile a minute. "Busy, mate. I don't turn this in and Snape'll start giving me negative scores."
"Why don't you just scatter rose petals in front of him to make it better?" Harry laughed, reading from the paper to Hermione's horror. Ron slowly looked over at Harry.
"Are you mental?"
"No, but this is. Either that or brilliant," Harry sniggered, showing Ron his new discovery eagerly. Ron's eyes scanned it a few times as Hermione held her breath, cursing herself for even having it out. Ron's face lit up to her dismay.
"'The Provocation of Professor Severus Snape: A How-To,'" he read slowly with great amusement. He took it from Harry for a closer look, the two of them chuckling continuously. "Harry, where did you get this?"
"Hermione had it," Harry said, nodding to her. "It was in her book"
Ron smiled up at her but did a double take, picking up on her tenseness. "Are you all right, Hermione?"
She jerked her head over to Ron's bent brow, paled somewhat. Harry mimicked Ron's expression as she swallowed uncomfortably, closing her Potion's book and drawing it close to her.
"Yeah, you don't look so good."
Ron craned his neck to see her breakfast plate. "You didn't put garlic on your eggs again, did you?"
Hermione sighed impatiently. "May I have that back, please?"
"Why?" Harry asked.
"The secrets to driving that greasy git up a wall are in our hands and you want to take it from us?"
"Precisely," she said shortly, snatching it out of Ron's hand and tucking it back into her Potions book. Harry's mouth fell open.
"Hermione, are you joking?"
"Give it back!" Ron said, leaning over the table for it. Hermione slid it away further with a warning in her glare, and Ron promptly deflated and slumped back onto the bench. He scowled at her. "Well fine. Keep it to yourself then."
"It's not like the Marauder's Map or anything," Harry reasoned. "That parchment is new. And the ink is fresh." He kept his eyes directly on Hermione as she unsuccessfully tried to avoid them. Ron sat up in realization, Harry smirking.
"You're writing those things down?" he asked, astonished. Hermione proceeded to finish the last of her breakfast in a hurry, Harry and Ron torn between laughter and skepticism. "You? You actually take every course offered and still have time to fantasize about torturing Snape?"
Harry choked on his last piece of bacon, laughing. "Fantasize?"
"I've never remotely fantasized about Snape, Ron," Hermione said flatly, warding off his subtle jealous intonation. "I've contemplated a few things that might send him to St. Mungo's to be Gilderoy Lockhart's roommate, nothing less."
"What made you start keeping a list of these things?" Harry asked as they stood to leave, curiously prying information out of Hermione that she was reluctant to give.
"Ginny and I were laughing about it our first night here and wrote off a few," she admitted, following them into the halls.
"Ginny?" Ron asked in surprise.
"So are you ever going to do any of these?"
Hermione chuckled, glancing at Ron uncertainly with Harry. "We can't exactly go around enraging the man in charge of our grades, Ron."
"Yeah," Harry scoffed, "we do that enough as it is, what with just breathing."
"Guess you're right," Ron sulked eventually. "It would be amazing, though, to see Snape run around in flaming robes. I think I could forgive him for being a rotten wart all this time if that happened."
"But I have a question about the one where you've made me into a voodoo doll and stick me with pins," Harry said, causing Hermione to crack a smile.
"It's not going to happen," she assured as they turned a corner. "In fact," – she pulled out the piece of parchment – "it's silly, really. No point in actually keeping it if it could cause trouble."
"It's a list!" Ron said incredulously. "You're not doing anything wrong. And you're name's not on it. If you're tossing it, give it here and I'll entertain myself in History of Magic-"
"I'm not giving this to you." She waved the paper away as Ginny came at them with a bright smile, walking briskly. Ron gave her a look while Harry's step found reason to liven.
"Morning, guys," she said quickly. Hermione smoothly handed her the parchment as she passed. Ginny looked over her shoulder smiling bright back at them. "See you later!"
A few steps later, Ron stopped. "Wait, what was that? You give it to her and not me?"
"Yes, she's responsible for half of it."
"Well can I see it if I add something to it?"
Harry laughed. "Like what? Give him a new hairstyle? Shampoo perhaps?"
"Maybe spray him off with a hose when we're done…"
Hermione huffed, pushing past them to enter the Transfiguration classroom. "Would you drop it?"
"You're letting us see that later," Harry told her.
"Stop whining, Ron. Ginny has it now, and she won't let you see it."
Harry looked to have conceived an idea, but Hermione immediately said, "She's not giving it to either of you."
Settling in their desks, Ron turned to Hermione. "You're going to make me resort to a higher power to get that list if you don't just hand it over."
Hermione laughed, though it was throwing her off at how serious he was trying to sound. Harry probably had no idea what Ron was talking about but acted as if he did, nodding in support of this threat. She leveled her eyebrows.
Ron sat back in offense as Hermione prepared her quill and book for class. Harry blinked, and Ron leaned over to him.
"What 'higher power?'" Harry whispered as Professor McGonagall strolled down to the front of the classroom.
Ron grabbed Harry's quill, jotting something down on the corner of the parchment. Harry gave an approving smile after reading it, Ron very proud. Harry leaned passed Ron.
"Hey, Hermione," – she looked over expressionlessly at his knowing grin – "Guard it with your life. If you can."
x x x
"Ginny! Wait up!"
The redhead whipped around quickly to see Luna Lovegood walking toward her with her turnip earrings bouncing happily. Ginny's shoulder's fell, but she stopped anyway.
"Hurry, Luna, we have to beat Snape in," she said. "I was late our first day last week. Just what I'd need to start off the second."
"Did he give you a detention hour for it?" Luna asked airily, falling into a fast stride with her.
"No, just an essay."
"Is that it there?"
Ginny looked down at the parchment in her hand Luna had nodded to, and a laugh crept up her throat and escaped.
"No, this… this could potentially earn me detention."
"What is it? A petition?"
Ginny had never thought of the list in her hand as such. She lifted it, looking at it with possibilities succeeding her own thoughts. "I guess you could call it that," she said, head to the side. "It's not a petition, but-"
"Petitions are dangerous things, Miss Weasley."
Luna and Ginny rounded the corner and gasped, Ginny mere inches from colliding with Snape himself. She took a step back from the towering Potions Master and nodded dumbly, believing it best just to agree.
Under his black immobilizing stare, Ginny tried to keep a stiff appearance. He was just a grumpy professor with no sense of humor whatsoever. Snape regarded the pair of girls with belittling silence, looking smoothly to the floor.
"Miss Weasley, I believe you dropped your petition," he spoke, the slow, eerie pronunciation of his words irking Ginny slightly. She sucked in a breath, battling him at an unannounced staring contest before picking up the parchment. She held it close protectively.
"Might I ask what you are petitioning?"
Luna looked to Ginny as well. She caught sight of the title on the parchment with interest, but Ginny pleaded with her eyes sternly not to say a word. Ginny readjusted the parchment and looked up at Snape's less-than-patient sneer.
"It's not a petition, sir."
"Then what is it?"
"Charms essay," Luna piped in. Ginny fought the urge to glare at her from the side. Luna continued unaffected by Snape's skepticism. "I read over it at breakfast for her."
Snape turned on Ginny. "Is this your Charms lesson, Miss Weasley?"
"No, sir," she murmured, ears reddening.
"Then put it away and take your seat lest you'd like another late mark."
Ginny felt him burning holes in the back of her robes as she and Luna walked around him and into the dungeon. Luna leaned her head next to Ginny's, the two of them taking the last two seats in the back of the room.
"Did you write an essay on how to agitate him?" she whispered.
"No," Ginny said, urgent to keep her quiet. "It's a list. Don't say anything else. That was close."
Just then, Snape slammed the dungeon door shut beside them, gliding up to the front of the room already speaking. Ginny eyed him cautiously as Luna asked, "Can I read it?"
A few loud voices in Ginny's head protested against the idea; she didn't know how well Luna kept things to herself, she didn't know if Hermione would care, and well, she just didn't feel like enduring detention with Snape. Although, what was the harm? Carefully, Ginny removed the parchment from her bag and passed it to Luna under the table, eyes never leaving Snape.
"Don't let anyone else know about this," she warned.
Luna read a few lines with a growing smile. "Are you going to do these things?"
"Of course not. I value my education and social life enough not to spend my last two years at Hogwarts serving detention to Batty McGee every night."
When Luna didn't respond, Ginny looked over. She was writing on the parchment.
"No, don't let him see!"
"He hasn't," Luna said, passing the list back to her with a smile. Ginny looked down at it when Snape had his back turned and read the line Luna had added.
'Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll call.'
She reread it twice, a smile coming to her.
She liked it. It was funny.
Luna smiled at Ginny, provoking her unfairly. Ginny looked up at Snape, his quill hovering over an attendance parchment, and a hint of a devious grin spread across her face.
Snape went to mark her present but stopped, slowly looking up.
Ginny was entertained enough just from that, but a huge adrenaline started to course through her. To get that much enjoyment from a simple squeak had to be insane, but she did. It was great. Though, for the sake of not aggravating him without a proper plan, she pacified her ridiculous smile and said, "Present, sir."
Snape checked her off. Ginny beamed over at Luna.
"We have to do this. All of them. The entire list."
"It's a short list…"
"We'll add more," she said, her excitement speaking for her. "Many more."
x x x
Monkshood went next to Puffapod. And Puffapod went next to- Oh, the rat spleen. He was low on rat spleen.
From atop a ladder in Snape's storage cupboard, Noelle Taylor, a sixth-year, leaned across the shelf to reach for the supply of rat spleen. Looking in the large glass jar, she saw that there was hardly enough to restock and sighed irritably.
Noelle turned around on the ladder and sat on the rung, opening the large jar of rat spleen and pouring its remaining contents into the smaller one. Careful not to let any of it fall, she managed to make it a clean transfer. Her mahogany hair fluttered in her eyes as she turned back around on the ladder, and she tried to blow it away as the jar teetered loosely in her hand.
Then, she stepped on a slippery section of the rung, eyes going wide.
"Miss Taylor, what are you-?"
The replenished jar fell from Noelle's arm as she slipped. She heard the crash distantly, fearing for her own well-being when Snape lunged forward and half-caught her before she could slam into the giant shelf and upset its thousands of jars, flasks, and vials.
Noelle slowly got off the ladder with Snape's help, her heart racing from the scare. Snape still looked briefly panicked despite his usual lack of emotion, and he gave her a reprimanding look. She looked at the pile of rat spleen uneasily and sighed.
"We're out of rat spleen."
"Anything else?" he asked calmly.
"Umm, yeah, we need," – she pulled out a small list from her pocket – "leech juice, dittany, salamander eggs, and… runespoor eggs."
"The dittany arrived this afternoon," Snape informed her, "and it shouldn't take long to prepare the leech juice."
"What about the eggs?"
"I'll take care of those tomorrow. Just make sure four flasks of leech juice are ready for the third years tomorrow, if you would be so kind."
Noelle nodded. "No problem." She withdrew her wand and pointed it at the grotesque mess on the floor. "Scourgify."
The flood of rat spleen was scrubbed away with soapy bubbles by an invisible force. Snape pointed his wand at the broken jar ("Reparo"), and it recollected itself, floating back to the top shelf.
"Are you attending dinner tonight before you start on the leeches?" he asked her as she slipped her school robe back on.
"Oh, yeah. I guess I should." Noelle followed him out of the store cupboard adjusting her robes and picking up her bag from an empty chair nearby. Walking beside him out of the dungeons, she asked, "Do you have anything you need readied for the Draught of Peace on Wednesday for the fifth years?"
"No, that's taken care of," he replied, the two of them entering the main hallway. "If you'd like to help me test a few potions for grading tomorrow, I would appreciate it."
"What time? I have Prefect duty until seven."
"Sure, I'll just come down after dinner."
Snape considered. "That's fine. Thank you for your help today."
"You're welcome, Professor. I have to run back to my dormitory for a minute, though, so I'll see you tomorrow."
"Very well," Snape said, stopping in the entrance of the Great Hall as students filed passed. Noelle smiled and kept going down the hallway. "Good evening, Miss Taylor."
"Good evening, sir."
Snape moved into the Great Hall, always having been peeved with such things as being polite to students. Although, Noelle Taylor had a strange gift for Potions even that Granger girl couldn't match, and her devotion to the field was as admirable as it was annoying. Besides, she managed to lighten his load significantly and without complaint, making her a tolerable asset and (though he wasn't thrilled with the term) a kind of apprentice.
A shame her brilliant mind had to belong to the House of Ravenclaw. She-
"Draco, that orange really brings out your eyes."
Fuming, Malfoy rose from his seat at the table ready to draw his wand. "I'll take out your eyes for that, you-"
"What is the problem, Mr. Malfoy?"
Draco looked up at his Head of House angrily, issuing to the two girls sitting nearby that were laughing hysterically. "These two thought it might be funny to throw pumpkin juice and gravy on my new robes."
Snape looked to the two girls – troublemakers. He only knew them as arrogant troublemakers with mischief for blood. The one with the short red hair was possibly more untamable than her friend with the black hair pounding her spoon on the table.
"Miss Tallon, do I have to give you another detention this week?"
Riley Tallon stopped laughing and smiled up at Snape, her bright red hair a stark contrast from those around her. "If you'd really like to put up with me more than you have to, knock yourself out," she laughed carelessly. "Vi and I can dress you up in gravy, too," she said, hitting her friend.
Violet Welsh snorted loudly before biting her lip and looking up at Snape, but she couldn't control her laughter; she broke into another fit of giggles with Riley. Snape exchanged looks with a heated Malfoy.
"And where is your sister, Miss Welsh?" he asked. "Surely she's hiding under the table?"
Riley and Violet both laughed again, Riley shaking her head at his pathetically uninformed assumption. Snape was ready to let Malfoy have his way with them. So ready.
"My sister?" Violet asked. "Bailey's probably somewhere singing like a canary like she always is! She's just soooo talented, the little heartstring."
Was it worth it to bother with? Snape really didn't feel like it. Draco kept probing him for back-up over his 'ruined' robes that he probably had six new ones of in his closet, and so help him, he was starving.
"Need I suspend you both from the first Quidditch match?"
Violet laughed. She had just been appointed the new Slytherin Quidditch Captain, and Snape was going to deny her and Riley, the best Beater on the team, that?
"Professor Snape, please don't pretend to care about Quidditch. We all know you go just to witch hunt."
"One more upset from either of you and I will have you scrubbing the cracks in the dungeon walls every night."
"With a toothbrush?" Riley asked, sending around more laughter.
"Slavery is illegal, Professor," Violet said, mocking a serious tone. "I mean, chances are, even though we like to joke on it, you and Trelawney aren't secret lovers, and I'm not about to be put in that awkward position of risking your job and my privilege to attend this fine school where you stare at me affectionately every day."
Even Malfoy was trying to hide a grin now. Snape gripped his wand in his pocket as Riley asked Violet, "'Risking You Job?' I've never tried that position." She looked up at Snape. "Does it hurt?"
The anger in Snape's face was evident now, twisting his features unattractively as he looked at the two rebellious girls as he would James and Black years ago. Riley's bangle-covered wrists jangled irritably as she took a bite of food in attempt to assuage her laughter.
No, it was not worth it.
Loosening the grip on his wand, Snape gave them one last glare. "Ten points from Slytherin. Each."
And he walked away. Draco was left with no aid, Riley and Violet laughing again. Riley rose from the table and shouted after Snape, "You're only hurting yourself, Professor!"
x x x
"Hermione. Over here."
The Head Girl looked up from her Arithmancy book to the fireplace where Ginny was waving at her with someone else. Luna Lovegood?
"Luna, what are you doing here?" Hermione asked, closing her book and going over to them.
"Ginny invited me," she explained. "We had a revelation today and would like to inquire for your approval."
Ginny held up their list pulled taught between her fingers, proudly showing Hermione the lengthy additions to the scroll. Hermione glanced at it in disbelief, the numbers going all the way up to eighty-two. Sensing a turn in this conversation that wouldn't exactly be good, Hermione looked at them hesitantly.
"You want to keep writing out the list?" she tried. As expected, Ginny shook her head.
"We want to do them."
Hermione looked at the parchment apologetically, but something she was having trouble suppressing was weighing in on her voice of reason.
"Ginny, we can't. We'll be expelled."
"It's classic fun," Ginny reasoned. "We can torture him worse than we could with any Cruciatus curse and still not get in trouble. He can't lower our grades if he's annoyed with us, and even if he does go to Dumbledore, what argument does he have?"
"These are all well within rules," Luna justified. "You can even check them."
Hermione's thoughts were slow to accept this as even possible. An image of Snape's robes up in flames snagged her train of thought.
"I'm certain setting a professor on fire is not within the rules," she said. "What made you want to do this?"
"Luna wrote a new one down on the list in Potions earlier when she saw it," Ginny said, recalling the moment with a large grin. "I squeaked at him during roll. It was that slightest reaction, but he was bothered by it. Hermione, please, you have to try it. At least once."
"There is nothing on that list that I am going to do," Hermione said outright. "You know, Ron and Harry saw it at breakfast and are trying to get it now. We need to get rid of it. And it's a long list."
"We'll get more people to help!" Luna said enthusiastically. "It shouldn't be hard. A lot of students dislike Professor Snape."
Hermione suddenly felt caught in a whirlwind. "No, you can't just go advertising like it's Quidditch tryouts. We can't do this!"
"And why not?" Ginny asked.
"Because why? You're a seventh year, Head Girl, you're smart enough to do this and you know you want to." Hermione gave an exasperated sigh, but Ginny pushed on. "Luna's right! We've got the people to help us all over the school. It'll be fun."
"And how do you plan on getting people to do this without Snape finding out?"
"Leave it to me," Ginny said. "By the weekend, we'll have enough people."
Still doubtful in this being a good decision (for it most certainly was not), Hermione chewed her bottom lip. One of the lines jumped out at her, creating a humorous scenario in her head.
'Drool in your potion.'
When she laughed aloud, it was her surrender.
"All right," she obliged, Luna and Ginny having a mini celebratory moment. "We try a few throughout the week. Just don't let the boys get them. I don't think they'd do well to upset him. Being girls, well… we have advantages they don't."
Ginny smiled. "Should this be a 'girls only' meeting then?" Hermione gave it though before nodding.
"That would be for the best."
Luna clapped her hands together. "Terrific! I'm in."
"Me , too," Ginny said, looking to Hermione.
She smiled, throwing her cares to the wind.
"Let's do it."
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