Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)

Dream sequence; Sakura sees a book. Ding, ding!

Sakura: ' No one's actually saying anything, but who's calling me? And why is my voice so squeaky and high?'

She was wearing a cape, with cards flying all around her, and standing on a roof, with a tiny animal flying before her, staring at a radio tower. She steps off the roof onto an invisible platform and wings sprout out of her sneakers. Then she starts diving to her death.

Sakura and the Mysterious Magic Book

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!

Sakura: ' Eeegh!'

She looks around. Who actually grabs their alarm clock clean off the table and not turn it off when they wake up?

Sakura: ' Hm. I'll yawn and pretend that's normal.'

Fujitaka: ' Breakfast is ready! I'm going to speak in a normal voice and not shout it up there, because I know the sound editors will project my voice so you can hear me despite closed doors.'

Sakura: ' I, on the other hand, am going to shout like a normal person.'

While Sakura starts dressing, she begins talking about herself.

' So I'm Sakura Kinomoto. I'm going to list my profile so you know everything about me that's not actually relevant to the plot. I'm perky, I suck at math, and I'm a cheerleader-type girl that most people would vomit at had I been about four or five years older. And when I see my brother drinking whatever it is from his cup, I'm going to facefault because he's teasing me, even though he hasn't actually said a word yet.'

Touya: ' Why are you talking to yourself?'

Sakura: ' I wasn't talking to myself!'

Touya: ' I certainly heard you talking about yourself, in any case. You were listing all your good qualities. You're not schizophrenic, are you?'

Sakura: ' I'm not schizophrenic! I'm going to grow tall and stomp on you for that remark!'

Touya, while drinking from his cup again, : ' Yup. You're delusional.'

Fujitaka: ' I totally didn't hear my children screaming at each other from right next to me. You two get along so well!'

Touya: ' I'm done. Heading to school, bye.'

Some fast footage of Sakura slipping on her armor;

Sakura: ' Where's Oni-chan?'

Fujitaka: ' He went on without you. And I totally just let him do it, even though I am his father and normally fathers would probably tell their children to wait for their siblings.'

Sakura: ' What? Now I have to catch up!'

Fujitaka: ' Have fun! I totally don't care if you slip on your rollerblades at the pace you're going!'

Sakura starts skating at breakneck speed even though a person on a bicycle should go much faster than her with less effort.

Touya: ' You know, in Japan, it is actually safe for kids your age to go to school alone.'

Sakura: ' Yeah, but I want to see Yukito-san. And I'm totally not out of breath.'

Touya: ' Hey, there's Yuki. Yuki!'

Yukito: ' Ohayo! Why did they hire a woman to be my voice actor?'

Touya: ' I don't know. You're just that gay.'

Yukito: ' But you—'

Touya: ' Don't give it away!'

Yukito: ' Right…So Sakura, you got up early today! This implies you usually don't get up early enough to see me.'

Touya: ' She wolfed down her breakfast. Somehow this is supposed to be embarrassing. Maybe it's the Japanese culture?'

Sakura: ' Since we're all cartoons, I'm going to kick Oni-chan with my rollerblades because I'm totally not going to fall over and I'm definitely not going to break his leg.'

She kicks Touya, who groans like he's dying.

Sakura smiles at Yukito. ' I'm going to pretend you didn't see that.'

Yukito smiles back. ' Me too. Not concerned about To-ya at all.'

(Oh my god. Yukito sounds like ME. Seventeen-year-old guys sounding like girls are asking to get picked on in high school, I'm sorry.)

Yukito throws something at Sakura. ' See you later!'

It was a piece of candy.

Sakura: ' I'm too old to be bribed with candy…but this is soooo romantic!'

Tomoyo: ' I consider candies to be very romantic gifts. Even though that particular one is something between a tootsie roll and a starburst in terms of quality.'

Sakura: ' Wah! You scared me!'

Tomoyo: ' I have an even higher and squeakier voice than Sakura-chan!'

Tomoyo: ' So I bought a new camcorder to stalk you with!'

Sakura: ' Why are you stalking me?'

Tomoyo: ' Because I'm in love with you!'

Sakura falls over. ' Sigh…'

Later in class

Sensei: ' What the hell am I teaching, guys with their mouths open and magical tangerines? Is this in the Japanese curriculum?'

Sakura: ' Don't know, but the next passage says that the magical tangerine is actually a butterfly in disguise.'

Later at cheerleading practice

Sakura: ' Flip! I can totally do flips! Of course this was made easier by the fact that I'm actually a cartoon and can jump about three times higher than normal people if animators really want me to.'

Noako and Chiharu: ' We're totally fans of yours, Sakura-chan!'

Seisei: ' Very nice. Now, we're going to abruptly switch from cheerleader-mode to majorette-mode!'

Sakura: ' This baton-tossing is melting my brain. I'm going to keep obsessing over a dream that most people would pass off as nonsense and hit myself on the head.'

Chiharu: ' Oh My God. Sakura dropped her baton. This is, like, impossible. There is no way Sakura drops any baton. Because she's infallible as a majorette.'

Sakura: ' I am soo embarrassed, and I'm going to start crying.'

Later that day

Sakura: ' Tadaima! No one's home? Why do we have a whiteboard in the house?'

As Sakura searches for food, she hears a rumbling in the basement.

Sakura freaks out. She creeps downstairs with much anticipation from the viewer. After way too long, she finds the book.

Sakura: ' It's glowing. This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. A glowy book.'

The book opens.

Sakura: ' Ah! Somehow that's even creepier than the fact that the book is glowing! Hm. Maybe I should open the book.'

Open.

' Why is everything written in English? Isn't this show in Japanese? Hm. First one says Windy.'

Boom! Cards scatter everywhere and disappear. Somehow Sakura manages to hold on to the Windy Card and not drop the book despite it all.

Sakura: ' That was weird.'

Kero: ' Dramatic entrance…KONNICHIWA!! I'm amazed you managed to wake me up, even though you were supposed to in the first place.'

Sakura: ' You have an Osaka accent…'

Kero: ' Yeah, because this book was in Osaka for so long, I caught the accent. Even though I was sleeping the entire time.'

Sakura: ' Despite all the supernatural things that just happened, I'm going to assume that you actually make sense even though you popped out of a glowing book, and I'm going to look for the batteries and hopefully a power switch to turn you off because you're creepy.'

Kero: ' You idiot! I'm Kerberos! Beast of the Seal!'

Sakura: ' I'm really confused.'

Kero: ' I make sure the cards don't do anything stupid. Speaking of which, where are they?'

Sakura: ' They're gone.'

Kero: ' NANI?! As punishment, you are going to bring me all the desserts and food that you have!'

Later that day,

Kero: ' I can't sense where the cards are so you are going to have to blindly search for them. Here's a wand. Now scat!'

Sakura: ' What? I can't capture a bunch of magical flying cards? I'm ten years old! And this is Japan! Japanese kids don't have time to go around chasing after magical spirits! How am I going to get into a decent college at this rate?'

Kero: ' This is CLAMP. As in, CARTOON. ANIME. You have as much time as the animators want, and college doesn't exist in our world. Now I'm going to bounce on this pillow because you're going to take care of everything instead of me.'

Sakura: ' I'm not going to do this!'

Kero: ' Yes you are!'

Glaring contest. Suddenly the wind blows through the window. Sakura rushes to it, trying to close it.

Kero: " Sakura! Look! There's a huge phoenix screaming in the air! And somehow none of Tomoeda noticed this thing! I wonder what the airplanes do in this case?'

Sakura: ' A Phoenix? What on earth is that?'

Kero: " A Clow Card. Probably the Fly. I'm not sure, even though I've seen each of these cards before. There's 52 of them! I'm not going to remember all of them!'

Sakura: ' Oh my god.'

Kero: ' Go catch it!'

Sakura: ' But it's flying. What am I supposed to do, swing around like Spiderman?'

Kero: ' You keep forgetting this. You're a CARTOON. This means you can rollerblade at high speeds and catch up to a flying bird even though you have houses and trees blocking your path and are therefore forced to make detours.'

Sakura: ' How come Oni-chan and Otou-san didn't notice I'm going out rollerblading in my pajamas? And how come the streets are empty?'

The Phoenix then lands, and looks impressive.

Sakura: ' I can't catch something that huge!'

Kero: ' Don't be a wimp! So what if that thing's big enough to probably eat you?'

Fly: ' Screech! No one in Tomoeda's going to hear me anyway! And I'm going to adapt the Windy's powers and blow you away without even flapping my wings!'

Kero manages to slow down Sakura's fall while she was sailing through the air, even though he is the size of her hand.

Kero: ' Use your magic! Do it impressively!'

Sakura summons the staff.

Kero: ' Use Windy! Even though birds use wind to help them fly faster, somehow with Clow Cards you can actually tie it up with moving air currents. It probably has something to do with the fact that the scriptwriters couldn't come up with anything clever to capture Fly with.'

Sakura: ' That makes no sense…'

Kero: ' Shut up and do as I say. And even though Windy is a long-ranged card, you're still gonna have to get close to the bird.'

Sakura: ' Are you freaking kidding? I'm out of here!'

Sakura starts skating for her life.

Fly: ' Why am I flying so low? I'm trying to stay free! Isn't this counterproductive to my goal?'

Sakura: ' I'm going to jump on its back! Because that sure beats having to skate for my life! Even if it ends up dropping me from a thousand feet up!'

She jumps up and summons Windy, which, strangely, manages to bind Fly even though it's nothing but currents of air. Sakura captures it.

Sakura: ' This is insane! I'm totally not doing this again!'

Kero: ' You're gonna be great! I can't wait for our next capture!'

Sakura: ' But I'm not doing it again!!'

Kero: ' Why don't you try Fly first and then decide?'

Sakura summons Fly. She then starts flying across the city, which has neither noticed the presence of a huge mile-long bird in the sky nor noticed a girl in pajamas sitting on a pole with wings behind her.

Sakura: ' This is so cool! I'm totally forgetting about the fact that I nearly DIED!'

End credits.

Kero: ' Hi! I'm going turn into Tyra Banks and describe to you all the wonderful qualities of this roughly drawn Japanese uniform Sakura's wearing! And coming up next…Sakura's Wonderful Friend!'

(Are you freaking kidding me)