Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)
Author's Notes: Thanks everyone for reviewing!
Reply to MengLong: Yeah, there is. It's the dubbed version though, and the voice acting was…weird. I'm not saying this fanfic is in any way as good as Yugioh Abridged, but this is a fanfic, not a video, which has its own style and its own drawbacks. That one wasn't very well done, in my opinion, because LittleKuriboh really takes his time to make his videos as good as he could, whereas the Cardcaptor one…I'm not sure whether the guy just blew it off or something. In any case, the dub version, in my opinion, has less to make fun of than the sub version.
Reply to HugeHeadache: I know, it doesn't work quite as well as if I did a parody video and you had a visual to go along with it, not to mention a lot of the jokes only work if you remember how the episode went, which is probably not a lot of you. You can go to and watch the episodes posted there, or you can just kind of follow along. I'm not really sure how to rectify this. Maybe I'll come back and edit it later.
At the aquarium, the fish moved around in straight lines, and each tank moves in the same direction.
Sakura: ' Wow! They don't act like real fish at all!'
Porcupinefish: ' I'm going to puff up for no reason.'
Sakura: ' I'm going to introduce myself YET AGAIN so the audience remembers my name is Kinomoto Sakura and I'm a fourth grader at Tomoeda Elementary. In case it wasn't clear already from the huge fish tanks around here, we're on a field trip, not in school. Because Japanese schools usually have huge tanks of exotic fish.'
Rika, Naoko, Chiharu: ' Right now Sakura-chan is behaving the least maturely out of all of us. We find that incredibly endearing.'
Tomoyo: ' Right. It makes the rest of us feel much more special, which is rare given she's the main character.'
Chiharu: ' Hey everyone! The penguin show is about to begin!'
Sakura speeds through past everyone. ' Hurry up guys! I'm going to run all the way over here and just stand on the steps of the escalator instead of rushing up even though there's no one ahead of me, and if I really was as excited as I seemed just now I would have run up the escalators as well.'
Tomoyo: ' I'm going to record the back of Sakura-chan as she's on the escalator! Because that's just so interesting!'
Sakura's Heart-Racing First Date
It was a splendid show! The penguins did the same tricks over and over again, no doubt because the animators did not want to do anything more complicated.
Sakura: ' Oh! They are so cute!'
Just then a whirlpool forms in the water and grabs the ankle of the smiling penguin-trainer.
Penguin-trainer: ' Alright! Nani?'
Sakura blinked: ' Hoe?'
Then the water pulls the trainer under.
Girls: ' Huh?'
The trainer lifts herself onto the surface. ' My leg! How come none of the other trainers are helping out yet?'
Below, the penguin, curious, pecks at the whirling water.
Sakura: ' Iie! Don't, penguin!'
Penguin: ' I'm not scared of this. This is just water acting very unwater-like.'
Watery: ' Stupid bird.' Coils around the penguin and starts spinning it.
Sakura: ' Iie! It got the penguin!' She starts slamming at the glass. ' Not the penguin! Let go of the penguin!'
Tomoyo: ' You sound very strange, Sakura-chan…'
Sakura: ' The penguin! The penguin's in danger! I don't care about the woman, but I must save the penguin!'
Touya then walks in: ' What the hell? Despite seeing a penguin randomly spinning in the water and the trainer in trouble, I'm going to take a precious moment to ask what is going on when it is obvious I should be doing something about this.'
Trainer: ' It's got the penguin! I'm sort of in the same predicament myself! I'm not sure what it is though, but hurry the hell up!'
Touya: ' I'm going to jump in the water! And I'm going to pull the waters apart to free the penguin like some iron clamp! I'm not sure how I would do it, but if Clamp really wants me to.'
Sakura: ' Oni-chan? How come I didn't know you work here?'
Later that day…Kero: ' The one who almost got drowned was the penguin?'
Sakura: ' Yup. The trainer nearly drowned too but…we don't really care about that. Moving on.'
Kero: ' That's pretty weird.'
Sakura: ' Yup. They say it might be because of a plug that got unplugged. I doubt it though, too weird. I wonder what it could be…'
Kero: ' It's a Clow Card.'
Sakura: ' I don't think it was an accident like that. Not to mention when Oni-chan pulled the waters apart in a way that doesn't make sense, the thing stopped. He didn't unplug it or anything.'
Kero: ' It's a Clow Card.'
Sakura: ' It's more…I don't know, there's something strange about the whole incident. Very unnatural.'
Kero: ' It's a freaking CLOW CARD! Come on, this is an anime series about you capturing cards! Of course every episode's going to have a Clow Card!'
Sakura: ' Except fillers.'
Kero scratches his head. ' Right…oh yeah. Except fillers.'
Touya enters the door: ' Tadaima!'
Sakura: ' Kero, go upstairs! Welcome home Oni-chan! By the way, you never answered my question about why you never told me you were working at the aquarium.'
Touya: ' I wrote it on the freaking whiteboard. Good grief, don't you know how to read?'
Sakura stared at the whiteboard. " I guess not…I'm still not sure why we have a whiteboard in our home. Do all Japanese families have a whiteboard in their living room?'
Touya: ' Don't know, don't care.'
Sakura: ' What do you do at the aquarium?'
Touya: ' I feed the penguins.'
Sakura: ' You're so lucky!'
Touya: ' No I'm not.'
Sakura: ' Why not?'
Touya: ' They freaking bite. Ooh, pancakes!' He then grabs a fork and eats a piece.
Sakura: ' Wah! You big meanie! I bought those with my own allowance! Though why a ten-year-old would buy pancakes out of all things is beyond me! It must be the Japanese culture.'
Touya: ' I have successfully provoked my sister into making a fool of herself in front of her crush. Hey Yuki, you done watching?'
Yukito stepped into view. ' It was very amusing. So amusing, I nearly forgot to take my shoes off while watching. Hello Sakura-chan." Smile that lacks only a glitter in teeth—but then, Japanese animators usually do not draw teeth except for comic effects.
Sakura: ' I can't tell if that smile is big-brotherly as it SHOULD be or flirtatious as this episode undoubtedly would make it, considering the title of this episode is my Heart-Racing First Date. Do you want some pancakes anyway?'
Yukito: ' These do look good. You are a good cook, Sakura-chan, although all you did was pour some mix onto a pan and flip it till it's done. Hm, you just said you bought it with your own allowance.'
Sakura: ' Doesn't matter. I'll serve these right to your door in my brother's room. Why you guys couldn't just stay here in the kitchen to eat must have to do with Japanese culture again.'
Yukito: ' You are such a good girl!'
Sakura blushes. She then brings the tray of pancakes to Touya's closed door.
Sakura: ' They knew I was going to bring them pancakes. Why the blazes did they close the door? I can't knock, but for some reason I didn't think about just shouting at them.'
Yukito: ' I have psychic abilities and knew when you would arrive at the door.' He opens the door and smiles for a long time at her in silence to look pretty. " Arigatou, Sakura-chan!'
Sakura: ' I have such a crush on you that it's almost nauseating.' She goes back to her room in a daze.
Kero: ' Oy! Snap out of it! Penguins are dying and you're here drooling over a guy nearly twice your age? Oh, and I just realized the trainer must have nearly drowned too. Why didn't you tell me?'
Sakura: ' Who cares about the trainer?'
Kero: ' The Clamp editors suddenly remembered that during voice recording and are trying to save their rear ends by putting it in this scene when it's obvious they forgot it during the beginning of the episode.'
Sakura: ' Who cares about Clamp?'
Kero: ' If you want to capture this card, you better care about Clamp. Now, did you see what was drowning the penguin and the trainer?'
Sakura: ' I wasn't paying attention at all to the trainer, but there was nothing but swirling water around the penguin.
Kero: ' Sounds like the Watery Card! Fitting for it to be in an aquarium and do nothing but spin penguins around when it seriously could have blasted through the tanks and drowned EVERYONE.'
Sakura: ' This is a children's anime, Kero-chan, as you said.'
Kero: ' Puh-Leaze! With the amount of gay people in here? Japanese anime is targeted at forty-year-old businessmen, not kids! Only bad American dubs are targeted at kids!'
Sakura: ' Why would forty-year-old businessmen like cartoons?'
Kero: ' Because they are sad sad people. Anyway, we have to find out how to capture the Watery Card.'
Sakura: ' What's so hard about it? I'll just bluff my way through like I did with the other two cards.'
Kero: ' Oh no, that won't work. You see, unlike the Fly and the Shadow, Watery isn't really tangible. Very hard to fight something that's not solid.'
(What the hell?)
Kero goes on: ' Watery's one of the higher cards too. In this show, we're going to ignore the fact that there are actually five natural elements and say that Watery is one of only four. Oh, and I forgot to mention that in this show Windy is also an element, and Woody isn't!'
Sakura: ' What's Woody? Are you talking about Toy Story?'
Kero: ' Iie! But you haven't met Woody yet so that's alright. Anyway, elemental cards are hard to use. Watery has a very offensive temper, even though water is usually correlated with healing and passiveness. But this is Clamp, and they do what they want.'
Sakura: ' So what do I do?'
Kero: ' Well, you can't use Windy. It's too nice. Nice people never win, you know. And Shadow and Fly, for once Clamp agrees with reality when they say using them to attack Watery simply doesn't make sense. Hm, I'm kind of stumped myself. Why don't you pout for a while to add suspense.'
The next day, Sakura paced around an extremely green courtyard as the other students lounged around posing for the shot. She walks slowly to show off her disproportionately long and very uncurvy legs. Tomoyo then follows, her legs equally long and even straighter.
Sakura: ' Oh my god. Our school has a pond. In addition to having a statue of a naked woman with wings, we actually have a pond with lilies in our courtyard. This is insane! Does Japan really have these?'
Tomoyo: ' Who cares? It's obvious Clamp put them there for poetic effect. What are you going to do about Watery?'
Sakura: ' Oh…I don't know.'
Tomoyo: ' You don't look cheerful enough to be a good Japanese citizen. Come on, perk up! Japanese girls are supposed to be chipper!'
Sakura: ' Right! But I still don't know what to do about Watery, and I would really like to get that over with.'
Tomoyo: ' I'm going to take your hands in my own as if I'm in love with you and speak nonsensical words of comfort that does nothing to further the plot.'
Sakura: ' Thanks! That makes me feel so much better.'
Tomoyo: ' By the way, Oka-san wants you to try out these new cell phones we've developed. I'm not sure which telephone service we're using, and who's paying for it. I presume it's my mom. Wow, they're really pink.'
Sakura: ' That's great! Pink is my favorite color! I'll take! See you tomorrow! Hm, now back to that Watery Card. What if I somehow combine these three cards that I have? Shadow, Fly, and Windy. There's gotta be a way. Not sure what, but there's gotta be a way that makes at least a little bit of sense!'
Kero: ' No use! There is nothing you can do! NOTHING! YOU HAVE FAILED! IT IS HOPELESS!'
Sakura: ' This is kind of discouraging.'
She is so absorbed in her thoughts, however, that she nearly crashes into Yukito, who catches her before she could fall.
Sakura: ' Now this is pretty embarrassing!'
Yukito: ' I am actually genuinely concerned that you nearly hurt yourself. By the way, the whipped-up pancakes you made yesterday were really good. Thanks for delivering it straight to our door like a maid.'
Sakura: ' Anything for you, Yukito-san!'
Yukito: ' By the way, would you like to go out on a date?'
Sakura: ' Of course!'
Yukito: ' Because none of the girls my age would go out with me. It probably has something to do with Clamp casting a woman to be my voice actor.'
Sakura: ' Are you serious?'
Yukito: ' Yup!'
Few minutes later;
Sakura: ' My voice will go even higher and squeakier out of excitement! I have a date with a guy seven years my senior! And I'm ten years old! I'm totally gonna be the first girl in my class to get married!'
She runs home and heads straight upstairs to call Tomoyo and tell her the good news.
Kero sweatdrops. ' Can't she tell he's feeling sorry for her? Not to mention hitting on her brother by being nice to her.'
The next day at one in the afternoon,
Yukito: ' Konnichiwa, Sakura-chan! How about we go to the aquarium?'
Sakura: ' Despite knowing there's a Clow Card there ready to cause trouble, I'm perfectly fine with risking that to do anything you say, Yukito-san!'
Yukito: ' Alright, great! Let's go!'
Tomoyo: ' I get to stalk Sakura on her first date. I wonder why she doesn't find my creepy by now.'
Kero: ' I'm going to look after that Clow Card while they're dating. And why am I wearing sunglasses? I thought I was the sun guardian so I shouldn't be afraid of sunlight.'
Tomoyo: ' You're supposed to be undercover.'
Kero: ' I'm a stuffed animal. How would sunglasses keep me undercover?'
Tomoyo: ' Dunno, but I'm going to head over and start filming. Coming?'
Kero: ' Hai!'
At the aquarium, a huge blue fish swims into the camera's view.
Yukito: ' Wow, this fish is huge! But what's more amazing is the fact that it's mouth isn't moving, which suggests it's not breathing.'
Sakura: ' Or that the animators forgot that little detail.'
Yukito: ' Or that.'
Sakura: ' Check it out, now the fish are swimming in the same direction as the rest of their species.'
Yukito: ' They're so orderly, it reminds me of North Korea.'
Sakura: ' How come they only swim horizontally?'
Yukito: ' They probably just don't know better.'
Tomoyo: ' What, they're not holding hands? What's the big idea? How am I supposed to win any Japanese reality show prizes if I can't even get a decent romantic video from my cousin's first date?'
Kero: ' I'm going to threaten a young child. And I shall lower my voice in an attempt to sound intimidating.'
The camera then zooms over the whole aquarium, where this time, instead of having all the fish swim in the same direction, none of the fish are moving at all.
Sakura: ' Wow, this is amazing! They manage to freeze despite water currents! And the air bubbles froze too!'
Yukito: ' Let's go to the tea room! Hey, there's Touya!'
Sakura: ' Oni-chan? How come Yukito-san knew you were here and I didn't?'
Touya: ' Because you don't pay attention to anyone but yourself. By the way, may I take your order?'
Sakura: ' Why are you a waiter? Weren't you working with penguins?'
Touya: ' They're checking up on their pond so I got moved here. Are you done asking questions?'
Yukito: ' At least you're out of the cold.'
Touya: ' Not really. I get to make snowcones.'
Sakura: ' This is the first time in the show that I thought about freezing Watery. The audience must think I'm extremely slow or something because freezing water is the most obvious thing in the world, next to boiling it.'
Yukito: ' Well then, I'm going to order…two snowcones please!'
Kero and Tomoyo spied on them from the top.
Kero: ' No wonder Touya was okay with this idea. He's going to make sure Yukito doesn't make any moves on Sakura.'
Tomoyo: ' No wonder Yukito didn't hold her hand. Touya was going to be here.'
Watery: ' I'm going to choose this moment to bust out of the tanks and drown anyone. This is much more fun than randomly spinning penguins around.'
The waters rush in and everyone nearly drowns.
Sakura: ' Watery's got my leg! And I can speak underwater! It's obvious the sound editors were too lazy to edit my voice to make it sound like I'm actually thinking instead of speaking.'
Yukito: ' There's a door that's locked! Despite this being a huge aquarium, opening one door would be sufficient to drain all the water out! Now I'm going to grab a random axe out of nowhere and hit the door square in the middle, because that's the best place to bust open the door.'
The door cracks like glass instead of wood.
Touya: ' Sakura-chan! Are you alright?'
Sakura: ' I'm wet, my dress is ruined, and my first date was trashed by Watery.'
Tomoyo: ' Are you alright, Sakura-chan?'
Sakura: ' Are you stalking me again?'
Tomoyo and Kero: ' Err……'
Yukito: ' I more concerned about the fact that I just bought snowcones and they were washed away than the fact that you nearly drowned.'
Sakura: ' Ice! That's the way to defeat the Watery! I'm going to freeze it into a block of ice!'
Later that night:
Security guard: ' I am not guarding this place at all. Instead I'm watching television. This is why two ten-year-olds were able to sneak into the aquarium undetected.'
Sakura: ' I am dressed as a Joker. Why did Tomoyo design this costume like this?'
Watery: ' For some reason, even though I had busted out of the tanks, all of the glass are still intact!'
Sakura: ' I'm going to lure Watery into a cold room and freeze it with Windy! This is the first time this season that I actually did something both mildly intelligent and sensible. Though it took me THREE DAYS AT LEAST to think of it!'
Kero: ' Ah don't be so hard on yourself. Clamp needed to drag this out for about 25 minutes. Besides, I didn't even think of it, and I should know these Clow Cards better than you!'
Sakura: ' It's because I rule!'
Kero: Konnichiwa! Are you guys doing your homework so you can get into a decent college? Well STOP IT and pay attention as I once again analyze Sakura's ridiculous costume! If you're wondering how Tomoyo managed to film Sakura being chased by Watery despite being two floors below where they were, I don't know either! But doesn't Sakura's costume remind you of the Court Jester? The things Japanese girls are willing to put up with! Stay tuned next time for " Sakura's Tiring Sunday"!