What was I doing? My mind was screaming for him not to go, but my body remained still not fully believing that this was actually happening. Was he really going to walk out of my life? I watched the front door close knowing the best thing in the world that ever happened to me was walking away on the other side. Was I really going to let him go?
A crack of thunder snapped back to reality. The gears began to turn in my head and the next thing I knew, my hand was on the door. Heart pounding, mind racing, palms sweating, I flung myself across the porch. My body got ahead of my feet causing me to have to catch my footing before I face planted it right onto the concrete walk way.
"Emmett, wait!" I prayed that he wouldn't leave, at least not without me having the chance to tell him how much he really meant to me. "Emmett please don't go."
"What do you want me to do Bella? When I saw the way you two looked at each other tonight I knew something was still there." He said frustrated.
"No, no you've got it all wrong. Yes, at one point in my life there was something between Edward and I, but that was a long time ago. It's never going to happen again."
"I don't know babe. It seems that every time I turn around there's another guy trying to win your affection. How am I to know if one of them isn't going to steal you away from me? Bella, I want you but I don't want to have to wonder everyday if you feel the same way for me. So much has happened so fast. I think we should take some time and step back before we do something we might regret." He said fumbling for his keys in his pocket.
Regret? Regret? I'd never regret being with Emmett! How could he say such a thing? My stomach began to churn. My chest began to ache; my body was emotionally choking on the words. Hell I'd marry him this very second if he asked. Of course I wasn't about to tell him that for fear that he'd run away. I wanted him. Standing there looking at his face, he looked defeated and as if he had already given up.
"Emmett, I'm not going to try and stop you from leaving. I know so much has happened. I wish I knew what to say or do to make it all go away so it could be just the two of us in our own little world but its not. I'm sorry that I have a past. Can you say that you don't? That we will never run into someone that you've dated before? It doesn't matter who I've been with in the past. It only matters who I'm with now." In my mind my words would make everything right. He would forget anything ever happened. "For what it's worth…I only want to be with you. How can I convince you of that?"
Emmett's face resembled that of a look of confusion, fear and hurt. Maybe now was the time to say it. To tell him that I love him, and he'll come running back to me and all of this would be put behind us. At least that's how it all played out in my fantasy. If it changed his mind about leaving then I'll know it was worth something. His feet began to carry him towards me. I closed my eyes blinking away the tears. His long thick fingers gently brushed my jaw line to cup my face in his hand.
"You saying those words is worth a lot to me." He drew me closer to him. Both hands cupped my face. Slowly he leaned down to kiss me. Our lips touched and my knees went weak. Every bit of strength I was using to hold my self up subsided as it gave into his touch. How could he doubt this?
The misting rain drops began to coat my face, but I didn't care. I had Emmett.
After who knows how long our lips parted and I continued to stay in my euphoric state. Leaning against each other forehead to forehead we stood for a moment just taking each other in. That is until Emmett uttered the last words I'd ever wanted to hear him say.
"I still think we need to take a break from each other."
The sound of my heart breaking echoed leaving a ringing in my ears. My breathing became shallow and frantic.
"A..a break? W…w….why?" I stuttered out taking a step back.
"Because Bella I don't want to share you with anyone. There are just some things you can't fight." He said looking defeated
By now I was getting madder by the half second. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? You aren't sharing me with anyone. I'm with you. No one else. There's nothing to decide." I snapped.
"No Emmett. If you can't see that then maybe we shouldn't be together. If you're willing to give up on us because of something that happened years ago then maybe you aren't who I thought you were. I've just poured my heart out to you. Asking…practically pleading for you not to leave and you still want to go?"
"Now wait that's not fair."
"Fair you want FAIR?" By now I was screaming, my emotions getting the better of me. Thankfully the now drizzling rain masked the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. "If you want fair how about you look at what you're doing to me right now. Do you think this is fair? You are punishing me for a past that happened long ago. Do you think that walking away from me is fair, because I sure don't?"
"What do you want me to say Bella? Do you want me to just forget all of what's happened? You want me to go on as if none of those guys ever existed? I'm sorry Bella I can't do that, especially when I have to deal with it on an almost daily basis." His eyes focused on the ground not even glancing up at me.
I had to admit he did have a point. Of course I wasn't going to admit that to him. I was too upset about him wanting to walk away. His willingness to leave everything that we had behind as if I never mattered was tearing me apart inside. Why didn't he want to stay and fight for us?
Jacob and now Edward are still in my life and his apparently. True, seeing Edward brought back a lot of old memories and a few old feelings, but nothing…nothing compared to the place I have in my heart for Emmett. As I stood there taking everything that he and I had said in I allowed myself to relax enough to talk to him without screaming at him and or falling to my knees begging for him to stay.
The rhythm of the rain falling gently on my face calmed me to a point that my thoughts weren't as scattered.
"Babe? What are you thinking?" Emmett asked hesitantly but bravely.
"I'm sorry that my past keeps interrupting us. You have to understand that if I had any control over who decides to show up in my life I would stop every single incident before it ever happened. But I can't change the past. I don't want anyone but you. Can't you see that? Can't you believe in that? You are saying that you don't want to share me. I don't want to be shared! No one else has my heart but you." Emmett grabbed hold of my hands.
As we stood next to his jeep the rain began to fall harder. Lightening lit up the night sky and the thunder that followed made me shiver.
"Bella…" Emmett saying my name as if he was still frustrated made me aware that he still needed time.
"No, don't say anymore please. I'm going to go back inside. Call me when you've made your decision." As I took my hands out of his it felt as if I was letting go of a part of myself.
He just stood there silent. Not saying a word. This was not the man I thought I had gotten to know over the last few weeks. I sighed knowing that he had already made up his mind. Fighting at that point would have gotten us nowhere. He and I both needed to think about what we truly wanted. Already having made up my mind; I knew I needed to think about how to handle Emmett's fear of losing me by giving him his space. There was also the matter of Edward being his agent that put a kybosh into the works. After a long pause I finally made up my mind.
"Maybe you're right about us taking a break for a little while." I said with more confidence than I thought I could have at that moment. His head snapped up. His eyes wide with surprise as if I'd just slapped him in the face.
"Are you sure you are okay with that? I don't want to hurt you and I don't want you to think that I don't care because I do. You have no idea how much I care for you. We just need to figure all this out."
"No Emmett, I'm not okay with that but I'm tired of pushing water up a hill. If this is what you want and I can't convince you otherwise, what can I do?" I replied stubbornly and turned to walk back into the house. Each step seemed to be heavier then the last. Stopping half way I turned back to get one last look at his beautiful face staring back at me. I could see his eyes were glazed over as he watched me walk away. He was struggling too.
"Good night Bella."
"Good night Emmett. Drive safe."
"Always." He turned and opened the door of the Jeep.
"Yeah." He sniffed.
"I'd never regret anything when it comes to you and me."
Turning back around I ran up the steps to the front door. As soon as the door shut behind me I sank to the floor and the flood of tears fell freely from my eyes. Already soaking wet from the rain, the tears just added to my already drenched clothes.
Hearing Emmett's Jeep start up and pull out of the driveway triggered an emotional release. My body was practically going into convulsions because of how hard I was crying.
To re-answer my original question…"Was I really going to let him walk away?" Yes, I was. His happiness was all I ever wanted. Even if it meant that my heart would be broken in the process.