Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto. If I did...well...uh...Just read on! I don't own Naruto, period!
"Please tell me why we're doing this," Sasuke muttered under his breath. Tsunade heard him.
"I decreed the first official psychiatric examination for a reason," She replied, annoyed, "We don't need a replay of the Uchiha Massacre, now do we?"
Sasuke glared at her while Shizune called for Naruto.
"Alright! I'm first!" He exclaimed.
"Yeah, first to be diagnosed clinically insane," Sasuke snorted.
Sakura giggled. "You're so funny, Sasuke-kun!"
Naruto, oblivious, went into the office, finding Akemi sitting business-like, with her hands clasped together, on Tsunade's desk, a pen and notepad in hand. Akemi adjusted the rectangular glasses she'd stolen from a real psychiatrist.
"Akemi?" Naruto asked, confused, "You're a physicist?"
"It's psychiatrist, Naruto," She corrected nonchalantly, "And yes, I'm a professional."
"Cool." I wonder how she has time to be a professional, Naruto thought idly.
"Okay, let's get started," Akemi began in a business-like manner, "Introduce yourself."
"I am Uzumaki Naruto! I love ramen! My favorite is the one Ichiraku Ramen serves. I hate how long it takes to get ready, though, and the love of my life is Sakura! Oh! And I plan to be Hokage someday!"
"Hm…Interesting," She murmured.
"What's so interesting?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Two minutes into our session and I'm pretty sure you're scatterbrained."
"What?! I AM NOT!"
Akemi merely shrugged, writing "In denial about being extremely stupid" in her notepad.
"Let's talk about Sakura for a bit, then. How long have you two been together?" Akemi already knew the answer.
"We're not…Sakura-chan likes that teme."
"Ah," She replied, "And how does that make you feel?"
"Sad. Ignored. Hated. Useless." Naruto's shoulders slumped.
"And how do you feel about those emotions?"
"Um…mad?" he replied confusedly.
"How do you feel being 'inferior', by Sakura's standards, to Sasuke?" She asked, adjusting the glasses. They were a little big for her.
"I am not inferior to him!"
"I never said that," Akemi said.
"YES YOU DID!" Naruto pointed an accusing finger at her, "YOU JUST CALLED ME INFERIOR!"
"Then how do you feel about that, Naruto?" She asked, brushing off the yelling.
"I am stronger than that teme!" He pounded his fist on the desk, making a loud bang.
"Okay…let's move on. Why do you like ramen?" Akemi asked, more out of curiosity rather than professionalism.
Naruto immediately cheered up. Akemi scribbled "Very short attention span" on her notepad.
"I love it! It comes in so many flavors! My favorite's the one Ichiraku's serves! It's the –"
"Okay, Naruto," Akemi interrupted Naruto's rant, suddenly feeling a bit tired by his peppiness, "You can go now. I'm done."
"Awesome! I feel better than when I first came in! You're really good!"
Akemi sweat dropped. Idiot, She thought as she pressed the intercom button. Either that; or I'm one hell of a psychiatrist.
"Shizune, you can send in the next victim – uh, I mean, patient!" She corrected herself quickly. "Send in Haruno Sakura."
Outside, Naruto was beaming like a proud puppy.
"So how'd it go?" Kakashi asked disinterestedly.
"It was great!" He exclaimed, "The psychiatrist is so smart! A professional!"
"No duh," Sakura scoffed quietly. "Idiot."
"Sakura, you can go in now," Shizune announced.
Her eyes widened as she entered the room.
"No way. Nuh-uh. There's now way in Hell you're a professional! I'd bet my Sasuke-kun on it!"
"Well, maybe not in Hell, obviously," Akemi shrugged, "But believe what you want; I still have to examine you."
"Fine, whatever." Sakura rolled her eyes.
"Introduce yourself, please."
"I'm Haruno Sakura," She sighed, "I like pink –"
"Obviously," Akemi snorted quietly.
Sakura glared at her but continued anyway. "I work as Tsunade's apprentice. I hate Naruto."
"Harsh," Akemi commented.
"Hardly," The pink haired medic Nin scoffed, "He keeps ruining my chances with Sasuke-kun."
"How do you feel about him?"
"Sasuke-kun is the most beautifulest," – Akemi made no move to tell her that it wasn't a word – "strongest, smartest man I know!" She gushed, "We're destined together! I'll be Uchiha Sakura one day!"
"Too bad he's dating Hinata-chan, huh?"
Sakura took the bait. "Sasuke-kun's not in love with her! I've seen them together, and they totally disregard each other! It's like they don't even know the other's there!"
"So you stalk them?" Akemi asked, amused.
"No, I don't!" She denied heatedly, "I just happen to run into them often!"
"I see," Akemi nodded, "How do you feel about 'running into them often', then?"
"I hate it when Sasuke-kun just shrugs me off when Hinata – wait! What're you implying?!"
"Nothing," She replied nonchalantly. Akemi scribbled "Paranoid driven stalker" in her notepad.
"You think I'm a stalker, don't you?!" She accused.
You said it, not me, Akemi mused. "No."
"LIAR!" Sakura's emerald eyes were lit by anger. "What are you writing in that notepad?!"
"What I want for lunch," She lied smoothly, "Back on topic. How do you feel about Hinata's relationship with Sasuke, Sakura?"
"I hate it! I'm the right one for him!"
"How so?" Akemi asked curiously.
"I'm smart, strong, and I can cheer him up!" She stated proudly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sakura asked suspiciously.
"So what now?" She asked tiredly, leaning back in the leather chair. Sakura missed her Sasuke-kun immensely.
"Nothing, you can go now," Akemi dismissed her with a wave of her hand, reaching for the intercom button.
"Shizune, I need Uchiha Sasuke. I'm running out of victims."
"What was that?" Shizune's voice sounded crackly through the box.
"Uh, nothing!" Akemi exclaimed, taking her finger off the button. "Damn, I really need to stop that."
Uchiha Sasuke disinterestedly stepped into Tsunade's office, rolling his eyes immediately.
"There is absolutely no way you're a real psychiatrist," He deadpanned.
Akemi shrugged. "How do you feel about me not being a professional, Sasuke?"
"How do you feel about that?"
"Are you always annoyed?" She asked nonchalantly.
"Mostly." He shrugged.
"Everyone gets on my nerves."
"Except Hinata, of course," Akemi added.
"I guess," He shrugged.
"Describe your feelings for Hinata, Sasuke." She instructed.
"I need you to cooperate with me if I'm going to classify you mentally stable, you know." Akemi sighed, rolling her eyes.
"I'm not crazy. And you're not a professional."
Akemi sighed; but she was prepared for his behavior. (Inwardly, she wondered how Hinata dealt with him.) She pressed the intercom button. "Shizune, please tell Tsunade to get the reinforcements."
"Help will be here in a few minutes." Akemi stated.
"Hn," He grunted, disbelieving she couldn't really do anything. Sasuke examined the glasses Akemi had perched on her nose. "Where'd you get the glasses?"
"Stole 'em off a real psychiatrist," She shrugged.
"Figures," Sasuke muttered.
They sat in silence until the Hokage stepped in; a syringe was hidden behind her back.
"It figures the Uchiha wouldn't cooperate," Tsunade rolled her eyes.
Without warning, Tsunade plunged the sedative into Sasuke's arm. Knowing her, Akemi knew Tsunade wasn't going to be gentle about it.
"What the hell?!" He yelled.
"That is for not cooperating," Akemi stated sternly, inwardly laughing, "Thanks, Tsunade."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." With that, she left.
Akemi smirked. The sedative was already working; she could see that Sasuke's breathing was slightly labored.
"Okay, Sasuke. Tell me how you feel about Hinata."
"Hinata-chan is beautiful!" He slurred, "So pretty and nice! She's a great cook, too!"
"Uh-huh," She nodded, "Tell me about your future plans with Hinata-chan."
"I plan to make babies with her…"
Akemi coughed. "Okay…Now tell me about your childhood."
"It sucked." He stated simply. "Stupid Itachi killed my clan."
"How do you feel about that?"
"How do you feel about those emotions?"
"Annoyed. I'm so weak!"
I'm starting to like sedatives, Akemi thought mischievously.
"Do you like being weak?" She asked.
"No. I hate it!" He slurred. It was becoming slightly harder for him to speak. "I freaking hate it."
"How do you feel about that, Sasuke?"
"I just told you!"
"Are you annoyed?"
"And how do you feel about that?"
"STOP ASKING ME THAT! It's driving me insane!" He was on his feet now, nostrils flaring as he glared at Akemi.
"Okay, then what are your feelings about that?" Akemi inwardly smirked.
"Argh! You're so annoying! Stop asking me the same freaking question over and over again!"
"Are you always this angry?" Akemi cocked her head to the side thoughtfully.
"No. You make me this way!"
"And how do you feel about that?"
That is when the Uchiha Sasuke snapped.
Akemi watched, wide eyed, as Sasuke raced to the nearest wall, punching a hole through it.
"Sasuke, where are you going?" She asked emotionlessly.
His eye twitched. He didn't answer.
"Why did you punch a hole through the wall?" She asked.
"Because I need to get away from you."
"Why didn't you use the door?" Akemi nodded towards the door right next to him.
"This was more appealing. You're too annoying."
"How does punching a wall make you feel, Sasuke?"
"Argh!" He ran through the hole, stumbling because the sedative was still taking its toll on his body.
"What the heck?" Shizune wondered, looking through the hole in the wall with a bewildered expression on her face.
"Huh, that went well." Akemi said, amused.
Kakashi peeked in through the hole.
"You must be a good psychiatrist to make him run off like that," He stated, walking in, "Or just incredibly annoying."
"I try," She shrugged. "So how are you doing today?"
"I'm good. What are you reading?" It was pointless to ask, Akemi already knew his answer.
"Make-out Tactics. I'm rereading it because the latest volume isn't in stores yet." He sighed sadly. "What a shame."
"Actually, I read volume eight. It's pretty good." Akemi lied.
"That's not even out yet!"
"Got it from Naruto," She shrugged, "He and this girl I saw him with are really into it."
It was silent. A drop of blood dripped from Kakashi's nose, staining his mask.
"Is your nose bleeding, Kakashi?"
He quickly covered the growing spot on his mask, changing into another one at an impossible speed. She cursed inwardly; she really wanted to see what was under that mask of his.
"Okay, moving on. Ever had a girlfriend?" She asked.
"Ever get your…uh…" Akemi tried looking for a rated G way to say her next question.
"Well, you know…uh…" She coughed, "You know what, screw it! Are you a virgin?"
"No. Was that so hard to ask?" He asked, mildly amused.
"Well, gee, you try asking an old man if he's had sex before!" She huffed.
"I'm not old!"
Akemi laughed. "Well, you look like it, buddy!" She patted his shoulder in mock sympathy, "Forget the abs; look at those flabs!"
"I have no flabs!"
"Denial is the first step to recovery!" She chided cheerily.
"Whatever, let's get back on track," He rolled his eyes.
"Right." Akemi agreed, "How many times have you done it?"
"How do you feel about that?" She asked, scribbling onto her notepad.
"Nothing," She shook her head, scribbling "sex addict" on her notepad.
"I saw that." Kakashi accused mildly. "You wrote 'sex addict' on your notepad."
Akemi then wrote "paranoid sex addict", underlining the word paranoid.
"I am not paranoid." Damn his Sharringan.
"How do you feel about my assumption about you being paranoid?"
"It's untrue, therefore my emotion on that is invalid."
"Do you like having your emotions 'invalid', as you put it?"
"Not really," Kakashi shrugged. "But it doesn't happen often."
"Oh, so you've felt it before?" She pressed the matter further.
"How do you feel about having felt it more than once?" She asked curiously.
"Nothing, really." He shrugged again, reading his book nonchalantly.
"So you're emotionally repressed," Akemi concluded, scribbling on her notepad, "Interesting. You're free to go."
Kakashi sighed, not bothering to correct her, and left. He went to find Naruto, eager (not that it showed, obviously) to get volume eight of Make-out Tactics and meet his 'mystery girl'.
While Kakashi was looking for Naruto, Sasuke was in an alleyway, hunched in a fetal position.
"I'm okay…" He slurred a little, "Itachi's not coming for me…damn psychiatrist…she's too good…"
"S-Sasuke-kun?" A soft voice stuttered.
"Huh?" He said confusedly.
"S-Sasuke-kun! What happened to you?!" Hinata exclaimed, running to his side.
"A-ah…" She sighed understandingly. "I-it's okay…she's not here…"
Just what had the psychiatrist done to Sasuke? Hinata wondered, bewildered.
Meanwhile, Tsunade was examining the whole in the wall. "Damn. The hospital handy man's not getting here till next week 'cause of some cold."
"I doubt he's sick, Tsunade," Akemi pocketed the stolen glasses. "I saw him at a shop on my way here."
"Bastard," She muttered, an angry mark showing on her temple.
Tsunade calmed down soon to ask for Akemi's evaluations.
"Well, first, Naruto's got ADD," She began. "No. Correction, he's way beyond ADD. I think he needs a sleeping pill every now and then."
"She's a paranoid driven stalker with OSD: Obsessive Sasuke Disorder," Akemi replied, "Get her into some counseling. I heard there's this Sasuke Fan-girl therapy group. Yeah. Ino told me about it."
"Sasuke's got temper problems," Akemi continued, "And he's planning on doing the nasty with Hina-chan. There's a chance he's sane, but he definitely needs anger management classed."
"He's a paranoid sex addict. He should go to Sex Rehab."
That even exists? Tsunade wondered.
"And now, Tsunade, my payment." Akemi held out her hand expectantly.
"Right, right," She sighed, handing her ten dollars. "Same time tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay. Who are my next victims?"
Author's Note: Heh. Team 7 is full of whack jobs, huh? Anyway, this is a series of oneshots. The next chapter will be Team 8, then Team 9, and, of course, Team Gai. I hope you like it! Please review!