The Data Debacle

We've had our speculations, but this time will we really find out what's written in Ootori Kyouya's notebook?


A/N: I've been toying with this idea for a while, hope you enjoy! I thought I'd better get a lighthearted story in now, because the next few (Hellsing) won't be so silly.

Warning: crack ensues.

All characters © Hatori Bisco

One afternoon at Ouran..


"MINNA-SAN!" Tamaki bellowed as he whisked open the doors of the third music room. His smooth cheeks had identical rosy patches and he was out of breath, blue eyes wide.

The other members of the Host Club barely batted an eye. They were long since used to Suo Tamaki's antics and dramatic paranoia. Activities for the Club had been cancelled this afternoon due to Kyouya being on an overseas business trip, so the hosts were lounging around lazily amidst the sunnily lethargic ambience of the classroom.

"What is it, Tono?" one of the Hitachiin twins asked with a sigh. They were doing each other's homework and were, quite frankly, bored without the King around. The blonde's entrance, although painfully loud and excessive, was a relief to them.

"K-Kyou…note…mah…" Tamaki was still too flustered and breathless to construct coherent sentences.

Fujioka Haruhi closed the book that she was reading with a muffled snap and looked up, frowning. "Calm down, senpai. Take deep breaths." Tamaki complied, inhaling and exhaling with a whooshing sound until his pulse had returned to a more normal pace.

"Now, what's the matter?"

"Kyouya…Kyouya—"Tamaki's hand disappeared inside his blue Ouran jacket and reappeared with an all too familiar object. "Kyouya left his notebook here!"

All noise immediately ceased in the third music room.

"Eh? Tama-chan found Kyou-chan's notebook?" A curious Hunny eyed the book with round brown eyes.

"You know, he'd kill you if he ever found out," Hikaru stated nonchalantly."Which he probably will," Kaoru finished for his brother. Tamaki's face deadpanned and a bead of nervous sweat rolled slowly down his brow, imagining the tortures that the Shadow King would inflict upon him. Suddenly, as if by some telepathic signal, both of the twin's golden eyes lit up with the premise of a new (and probably not very nice) idea.

"Hey, Tono…" they began in unison. Haruhi rolled her eyes, recognizing that mischievous tone. "We just thought up of a game. Wanna play? It's called the 'let's-see-what's-in-Kyouya-sempai-s-notebook' game!"

The Host Club leader shook his blonde head viciously. "No, never! I refuse to be coerced into participating in your unscrupulous acts yet again!"

"But, as his best friend," the brothers narrowed their eyes, "don't you want to know what Kyouya-sempai writes in that notebook? Aren't you at least a little curious?

Tamaki began to vacillate and inadvertently put on his puppy face, bringing a fist up to his lips and pouting. "Well, I've always wondered…"

"Did we forget to mention that if you look inside we'll let you take Haruhi to the amusement park this weekend?"

The Suo jerked his head up. "Done!"
"Don't be deciding things without me, Hikaru." Haruhi slumped her shoulders exasperatedly, seeing it pointless to argue with the twins.

"Yay, a contest!" Hunny leaped off Mori's shoulder, landing gracefully on the soles of his feet. "This could be interesting, Takashi!"

"Mm," Mori replied in confirmation.

Haruhi reopened her hardcover book and began reading where she left off. "Knock yourselves out, I'm not interested," she said flatly.

"Doesn't Haru-chan want to see if she's in Kyou-chan's book?"

"I don't really care what Kyouya-senpai writes about me," Haruhi answered the little senior with an apathetic tone.

Tamaki then spoke up before the twins could say anything. He was not an arrant fool, and knew what would get her going. Twisting a lock of resplendent blonde hair, he said in a falsely innocent tone, "But Haruhi, I'm sure you'd like to see how much of your debt has been paid already."

That did it. Her book closed with a crack and her toffee-colored eyes began to sparkle. Ignoring the sniggering twins, the female host rose and walked over to Tamaki. "Put the book down over there," she said, pointing to the coffee table by the sofas generally used for the female customers.

The green notebook seemed to glitter and twinkle at the six hosts seated around it, beckoning for them to open its cover and unearth the mystery within. For a moment they could only stare at the book as it lay naively on the empty coffee table, afraid to touch it.

"Tono, you open it," Kaoru suggested edgily.

"Why me?"

"Because you're the one that found it!"

"But it could be rigged!" Tamaki hissed, as if someone would overhear. "It is Kyouya's, after all."

"Tamaki." The King looked over at Mori, understanding. His dark eyes phlegmatic, the senior took the book from Tamaki and slipped his fingers under the cover. The others leaned away convulsively as he opened the notebook.

A moment passed where no one dared to breathe. When it seemed as if nothing would self-destruct or explode, the hosts let out a shaky sigh and edged in to peruse the first page.


Customer response to Hosts' actions…1

Hosts' reactions and personal tendencies….15

Future Club activities ….35

Predicted reactions of Host Club members….40

Classified top-secret data….50

Mori delicately turned the pages as the hosts ate up what was in the book. Most of the stuff written in Kyouya's elegant palmer method script was material that they were familiar with. Regardless, the members were a bit surprised to see it on paper.

"'Customers respond best to Hitachiin Twincest when Hikaru strokes Kaoru's—'"

"Really? They like that?" Kaoru cut in grinning, reading ahead of his brother.

"Oi, Haruhi, check this out," Hikaru chided, flipping through the notebook. "According to Kyouya, Tono has fantasized over 326 ways to propose to you."

The host in question jumped as if prodded with an electric shocker, cringing under Haruhi's sharp glare. "No, no, you have it all wrong, Haruhi! It's only normal for fathers to dream about their daughters getting married and—"

"Hikaru, I didn't know you had an elephant fetish," Hunny said with genuine surprise. He laughed gleefully. "Haha, Hika-chan likes zou-chans!" (courtesy of episode 15, in case you were wondering.)

The elder twin flushed and averted his eyes. "How the hell did Kyouya-senpai find out about that? Well, I guess I'm not too surprised," he murmured.

"Let's just get to the part concerning my debt," Haruhi grumbled.

"Mah? Kyouya's planned a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Theme for next week without telling me?" Tamaki's eyes became moist and his lower lip jutted out. "We'll need to import the Oompa-Loompas…"

"Forty," said Mori.

Tamaki, who currently had the notebook, nodded fiercely and flipped to the page. This 'chapter' of Kyouya's data book proved to be more irksome than the previous ones. The Shadow King had written various simulated scenarios, complete with how each member of the Host Club would respond according to their personalities and blood types.

Hunny's face scrunched up and his eyes began to water. "Does Kyou-chan really think that I'll drop kick Tama-chan if they give me decaf coffee?" he asked in reaction to a page that had caught his eye.

"What? Of course I would know what a 'vending machine' was if I went to the movies!"

"If I get caught in a thunderstorm with the Host Club, I would certainly not cling to Tamaki first for support," Haruhi stated indignantly. She read ahead a little. "Nor would I 'even eat spoiled rolls if I was hungry enough'!"

"Hn. Mitsukuni, I hope you don't decide to try that in the future."

"But Takashi would make such a funny face if I did that!"

"Tono, would you really dial 911 if Haruhi had a cold?"

Tamaki blew out his breath in a sigh. "There's nothing concerning Kyouya in here."

"How predictable. Kyouya-senpai would never put information about himself into his own data book," Haruhi observed dryly. "But, shouldn't you guys be curious about something else?"

The others blinked. "What, Haruhi?"

"The last chapter," she answered simply. Kyouya's table of contents had labeled it as "Classified top-secret data." The guys immediately forgot their annoyances and stared at the notebook with solemn expressions. They had forgotten about the end of the book.

"Top-secret?" Tamaki voiced. "What else could he possibly write about in here?"

The freshman twins shrugged. "Saa, who knows? Maybe there're sexy drawings of Haruhi in the back."


"Or," Hunny began, "maybe it's full of nefarious schemes to win Kyou-chan merits."

"Well, you know what they say, ladies first!" Hikaru piped up, thrusting the book into Haruhi's arms. She blinked at the sudden object in her lap, which was quickly and viciously snatched away by Tamaki a second later.

"I'll not have my daughter be the victim of some booby-trap," he retorted in a defiant tone. "If anyone should face the braves of Kyouya's classified chapter, it should be the King!"

"Go for it, Tama-chan!"

He brushed a lock of cornsilk hair from his brow, preparing to turn to the fiftieth page. Similar to when they had first opened the notebook, the other members gathered close as Tamaki's fingers found the sheet labeled 50.

They had just barely opened to the page when an abrupt, bright flash momentarily blinded them. When the hosts had finished blinking, they were a tad confused.

"Did…did the book just flash at us?" Haruhi asked stupefied.

"It appears that way," Mori added. Tamaki had just regained his sight and plunged his face into the book.

"Hey, there's nothing written here!" he exclaimed in awe.

"Oh, I wouldn't say 'nothing,'" a cool voice spoke from behind them.

Hikaru and Kaoru wore the identical expressions of condemned men. "I believe the Shadow King has made his entrance," they said quietly and a touch unnecessarily without turning around. The others swallowed audibly.

Tamaki turned to face the bespectacled individual who had silently entered the third music room. "K-Kyouya! When did you get back from your trip?" he asked frantically. "And…how long have you been standing there?"

Ootori Kyouya folded his thin arms and smirked. "Long enough," he replied smoothly.

"Waah, Kyou-chan, we're sorry that we looked through your book! We'll never do it again!" Hunny cried, grabbing at the vice-president's sleeve.

"Hmph. I thought you people had more faith in me," Kyouya mused, cocking his head.

"What do you mean, senpai?" Haruhi questioned. At this, the 'Demon Lord' straightened his glasses amusedly.

"Do you really think I would be so careless as to leave my notebook behind where anyone could find it? Especially this idiot here?" He gestured to Tamaki, who looked puzzled for a second more before comprehending. The blonde laughed brightly as the situation dawned on him.

"As expected from you, Kyouya," he declared, still chuckling. "This was a fake, wasn't it?"

"But," Haruhi pondered, "What merit would Kyouya-senpai receive in leaving us with a fake data book?"

Kyouya smiled a vampire smile. "See for yourself," he said.

As if on cue, two voices shouted, "Nyaah, Tono! Look at this! What the hell!" Tamaki rushed back over to the couch, where the twins were staring incredulously at page fifty of the notebook.

"It was a mini camera, that bastard!" Sure enough, the blinding flash had been from a motion-sensitive camera placed on the page. In addition, there was a slot underneath where the developed picture now lay, displaying the members of the Host Club with rather shocked and amusing expressions on their faces. All of the members except for one, that was.

"This will make a good picture for our next magazine issue," that member in question spoke, nimbly extracting the photograph and tucking it into his suit pocket.


Epilogue, two weeks later.

So, in conclusion, the next issue's cover of the Host Club's magazine bore an enlarged photograph of its members looking stunned and staggered. "What's got us shocked? Read more to find out!" read the title. That month's issue sold over two hundred copies in its first few days. Kyouya happily added the profits to his budget and life went on at Ouran High School.

"Kyouya-senpai…" Haruhi asked one afternoon when she had a moment free of female company.

"What is it, Haruhi?"

"Will we ever see what you really write in that notebook of yours?" she inquired. "Was it like that fake one?"

"No, it is nothing like the fake one," Kyouya answered mildly.

The freshman sighed. "That's good to know." Stroking her chin and cupping her elbow in her hand, Haruhi added, "I wonder what would happen if we actually read the real thing?"

The corners of Kyouya's mouth curled up and his glasses glinted ominously.

"You'd scream."