Disclaimer: Middle-earth and all characters of Middle-earth belong to the Tolkien estate. Original characters belong to me and may not be used without permission.

A/N: I have no idea where this little thing came from. Here I was, reading away about goblins, and then this pops up. My mind terrifies me at times… the idea came a few years ago, but I did not post it until it was completely written. So, yes, this fic is finished. New chapters will come every few days.

Additional A/N: This humor fic stretches canon quite a bit. Possible, yes. Probable, though? Not likely. But hey, that's what fan fiction is for :) And, humor aside, if one is really bored you can look at this as a "nature vs. nurture" commentary... (though my own opinions concerning orcs are quite opposite of Laerwen's, truth be told.)

Chapter One: A Strange Find

23rd of yávië, 2955 TA

"Laerwen, I swear that if you do not slow down I will take you straight home!"

The young elf looked to her older brother with a mischievous grin. "You cannot keep up with me, my dear brother?" taunted Laerwen. "And to think that you are hundreds of years my elder!"

"Thus making me hundreds of years wiser!" he retorted back at her. "And as your wiser, elder brother, I say that you need to slow down and stay close! These paths are not as safe as the gardens! You are fortunate enough that adar did not send the a whole contingent of soldiers to look after you!"

Laerwen stopped her horse and glanced back at him. "Legolas, you worry too much. We are not a league away from his halls. Not even a mile, I would deem! Now come and enjoy yourself!" With a laugh she sprang off once more.

Legolas glowered as he set off after her. Behind him he heard muffled laughter. "Estel, if you do not stop laughing, I shall relieve you of your head."

Aragorn smirked at his disgruntled friend. "I doubt you would do something so horrifying in front of your young sister."

Legolas glared at the dark-haired man. "I think I shall then do so while she is away," growled the elf.

The young man continued to smirk. "Nay, for she would be horrified by the sight of my headless body. You do not want that image to haunt her mind forevermore, do you?"

"She is over fifty summers old. She's old enough to see death," retorted the elf. "Besides, I do not think you would be missed much."

Aragorn laughed, and shook his head. "But your brotherly instincts would not allow her to witness it, fifty years or not."

Legolas was about to retort once more when a shrill scream pierced the calm forest atmosphere. "Legolas! Legolas, come quickly!"

With one look at his friend, Legolas galloped in the direction of Laerwen's voice, Aragorn on his heels.

Legolas did not know what to expect. What had happened to his younger sister? Was she caught by spiders, ambushed by orcs, attacked by another type of enemy? What had made her scream out like that?

In but a moment he reached her. Her back was to him, and she held something in her arms. To the side was her steed, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but near her. Thankfully she appeared unhurt, and Legolas was glad.

However, when she turned around all of his gladness quickly disappeared.

"Legolas! Look what I found. He was left alone to fend for himself, the poor thing."

Legolas looked upon possibly the most hideous thing he had ever seen. It was shriveled, small, and black in color; its big, yellow eyes were observing its surroundings with open curiosity. Strands of oily grey hair fell from its scalp, and its small fingernails were sharp and a dark color. The elf thought he had seen it all; he was wrong.

"Laerwen, is that… an orc?" asked Aragorn, jumping off his horse and looking at it with disgust. He went to approach it, but thought better of it and stayed near his gelding, the look of repulsion not leaving his face. Legolas mirrored his friend's look, but Laerwen seemed oblivious to both of their open contempt.

"I'm not sure what it is, but he's just a babe!" said the young elf. "Do not worry, little one, I will protect you." It gurgled and made a grab for her long hair. She giggled and pushed her blonde locks aside, away from its reach.

"That is an orc!" exclaimed Legolas in revulsion, pulling out his knife.

"No, Legolas!" his sister screamed in pure horror. "You cannot kill him!"

"Of course I can kill him- it! Of course I can kill it!" said he. "Now drop that hideous monster and step back!"

"No! I won't let you!" she screamed defiantly, bringing the orc closer to her body. It gurgled in blissful ignorance. "He's just a baby; a defenseless baby. You cannot kill him!"

"It is an orc," Legolas stressed, trying to get the meaning through to his sister. "It is the spawn of monsters that torture and kill for pleasure."

"They do so because they are taught to!" she shouted back. "They are raised to be monsters! If they weren't raised to be monsters, I'm sure they would turn out fine. Isn't that right, little one?" The orc gave a squeal that could be thought of as laughter.

"Laerwen, it may be sweet when it is young, but when it grows up, it will be a cold-hearted killer!" Legolas said, taking a step towards her.

"Not if he is raised to be a good person," she insisted, taking one step back.

"You cannot raise that beast!"

"Can too!"

"Father will not allow it!"

"Then I'll stay out here!"

Legolas grimaced and looked at Aragorn. "Estel, help me!"

Aragorn held up his hands. "I'm not getting into this one, my friend."

Legolas sighed in agitation. "Laerwen, please, use your head-"

"Legolas, have you no heart? He is just an innocent babe! He is sweet and is not like older orcs. If he is raised with the proper care and love, I'm positive he will turn out good! How could you just kill a young, defenseless baby?" Her eyes widened and she pouted. Everyone in Mirkwood feared her pout. She had inherited it from her mother, who had possibly the most heart-wrenching pout on the face of Arda. No one could stand it for long.

Legolas groaned. "Laerwen..."

"Legolas..." She started to pout even more.

The older elf sighed. "Father and Mother will not allow it."

"Mother will be fine. She'll understand."

"Father won't."

"Then you'll convince him!"

"I most certainly will not!"

She used her deadly pout on him once more. He sighed again. "Fine, fine, I will!" He knew that he would not, but he was willing to say anything at this point just to get her back to their home. He would let his father set her straight.

Her face broke into a big smile, and she cooed at the orcling in her arms. It gave a high-pitched squeal-like laugh again. She grinned. "You need a name, yes you do, my sweet. Hmm… I shall call you Arloth. Yes, you shall be Arloth, little one." She leapt onto her horse, completely unaware of his nervous state with the close proximity to the orc. She was also unaware at the looks of incredulity her two companions gave her as she rode towards her father's halls.

Legolas and Aragorn jumped onto their own steeds and looked at each other in disbelief.

"Did I hear her correctly? Did she just name that... that creature 'Arloth'?" Legolas asked in horror.

Aragorn nodded slowly, as if in a daze. "Aye. She did." A pause. "Only your sister would name an orc 'royal flower'."

Legolas nodded absentmindedly. "Royal flower. Perfect." He started after his younger sister, trying his hardest to ignore her cooing and its gurgling and squeals. "Father is going to kill me."