A/N: I'm telling you now, this is going to be naughty. And some readers may not like the way I've depicted Canderous in this story. Let's just say this is an AU fanfic (Alternate Universe), in which he's much more brutal and a lot less loyal. :) My warning: this story will contain sexual content and a near rape, so it may be offensive to some readers. PLEASE don't read this if you think it might offend you.

Dealing With It

How? How could this be? Self-loathing didn't even begin to describe how she felt.

She was Revan. She. Herself.

Formally a Jedi knight, then Darth Revan. She'd caused countless deaths, and brought an unimaginable amount of suffering upon the galaxy.

It was all just so surreal. She'd heard of the things that Revan was responsible for. And formed an opinion about this "Revan" person long ago. But now, despite the fact that she had no memory of it, the truth of the matter was that she had been Revan all along.

She desperately longed for someone to blame. Anyone. The Jedi order, for not killing her when they'd had the chance. Bastila for keeping such information a secret.

But in the end, there was no one to blame. No one but herself.

Bastila had once asked her how she managed to be such a good person. How she was able to effortlessly follow the light. Her answer had been a simple, "It just comes natural to me. I only do what feels right."

What a joke.

She thought of all the people they'd helped on Taris, Kashyyyk, Manaan, Dantooine, and Tatooine. But no amount of good deeds could ever make up for all the bad she'd done.

And now Bastila, the key to the entire Republic war effort, was in Malak's clutches. And again, it was entirely her fault.

Her head ached. And her heart hurt.


Oh, god. Carth meant the world to her. Something sweet, and beautiful, and tender had been growing between them. It had seemed to take for ever to surpass the walls that he'd encased his heart in. The man had trust issues. But she'd managed to wear him down. First through teasing and casual flirting. Then through more serious talk, hand touches, and late nights spent discussing anything and everything. Talking about the vast universe, the future, and a past she now knew wasn't even her own.

It had all been lies. An idyllic back story to explain her lack of family, and the path she now walked.

None of it mattered.

Carth hated her now. She'd never forget the look of disgust he'd shot her way when he'd learned the truth. A terrible truth that she hadn't even been privy to herself at the time. As Saul Karath had lain dying, he'd whispered something to Carth, and Carth's eyes had flown to Revan's face, a look of shock, and something far worse in them.

And she'd come to terms with the fact that that was her name now. Revan. What she'd thought was her name before all of this didn't seem to matter now. Everyone was calling her Revan. Mission. Zalbarr. Canderous, with his knowing eyes. Juhani. Jolee. Even the droids.

It made her want to puke.

Carth was no longer speaking to her. He'd had his say, when they'd returned to the Ebon Hawk after escaping the Leviathan, and he hadn't said a word to her since.

And sweet Mission. She'd decided it would be wise to move her things from the starboard dorm they'd once shared, so that Revan could have time alone to meditate. And think. She was only trying to be nice, but after all was said and done, it just left Revan terribly alone in a place that used to echo with girlish laughter.

Bastila's things were still on her abandoned bunk, and seeing them made her stomach clench in regret and fear. Fear for what was happening to Bastila at this very moment. For the very first time since this journey had begun, she could no longer feel the other woman. It was as if their connection, their bond was just gone.

She couldn't possibly have felt more alone.

Her thoughts were such a mess, that she decided a good, dreamless sleep was in order. She stared down at the mug of juma that she cradled in her hands. She'd raided Canderous's stash earlier. The big man had watched her, with no small amount of amusement, as she'd come back again and again for refills. This was her fourth cup, and for someone who'd never drank the stuff before, or at least, had no memory of having drank it before this, she was well on her way to unconsciousness. She welcomed it, and as such, chugged the remainder of the bitter brew, set the mug down on the floor, and climbed into her bunk, fully clothed.

She hugged herself. And Carth's angry face flashed in her mind as she felt sleep overtake her.

"Wake up, Princess." She heard a deep, menacing voice, and started awake, only to find that she couldn't move her arms.

Canderous stood over her, smiling a bit as he adjusted the binders keeping her hands immoble above her head. She was gagged, and she felt pure terror shoot through her as she realized she was wearing a neural disruptor.

"You know, I used to find it amusing that you were 'saving yourself' for that filthy Republic Pilot. Now it all just seems pointless, doesn't it?" He leaned closer, and she could feel his warm breath brush her cheek as he spoke. "I know all about you, Revan. I've heard the stories." His hands began working on the front of her Jedi robes. "I know you and Malak were lovers. But that wasn't enough for you, was it?"

She felt her robes give way. "I know all about the crazy Sith parties. How you and Malak would go at each other in front of anyone who cared to look. How he'd share you with his favorite officers, or just watch you with them, then kill them afterwords in a fit of jealousy. They say the violence turned you on. How you were always hot for it after a battle." His eyes swept her now naked upper body.

She didn't want this. She tried kicking out at Canderous, but her bare feet just glanced off his big thigh muscles, and he chuckled a bit. "That's right, fight me. It's been way too long since I've had this kind of challenge. And I love a woman with spirit."

The man was huge, and as he leaned into her naked torso, she realized that it was hopeless. She was like a fly batting at the nose of a bantha, and without the aid of her Force powers, there'd be no stopping what was about to happen. She cried out in pain behind the gag as she felt him bite into the soft skin of her right breast.

Her mind was racing. Earlier she'd felt certain that she deserved to die. But she didn't deserve this. She had no memory of being with any man, so this was like a nightmare.

This couldn't be happening.

But it was. He began pulling at her leggings. "Don't worry, Princess. I'll keep this our little secret, so the Pilot doesn't know just how dirty you really are."

She whimpered behind the gag, wishing that she could just pass out again, and wake up when it was all over.

Suddenly, she heard a growl and a blaster fired. Canderous tensed then moved off her, his eyes widening in surprise as he turned to meet a very angry looking Carth.

"Get the hell away from her." He said through clenched teeth.

She'd never been so happy to see anyone in her life.

Carth stood just inside the doorway, legs braced apart, brandishing both of the Mandalorian Blasters they'd picked off of Calo Nord's corpse on Tatooine. His jacket hung open, revealing a plain white shirt underneath, and his sexy hair was rumpled, as if he'd just left his bunk.

Now that Canderous's back was to her, Revan was able to see that Carth had shot him in The upper left shoulder. A bright red blossom of blood was spreading rapidly through the fabric of his vest. She guessed that Canderous's unique healing abilities had enabled Carth to forgo any kind of warning shot.

"Hey now, there's no need to get upset. Revan and I were just having a bit of sport, weren't we, sweetheart?" Canderous said, approaching Carth as he spoke.

"She doesn't look very willing to me." Carth said, standing his ground as the bigger man approached him.

"What's it to you?" Canderous asked, his voice becoming angry as he stopped in front of the other man. "You clearly want nothing to do with her now. And as much as who she is and what she's done might put you off her, it only makes her more desirable to me. Go back to the cockpit, Pilot. And we'll just forget all about what you've seen here. She deserves any kind of pain I feel like dishing out, doesn't she? You said so yourself."

"No she doesn't" Carth snapped. "Not from you."

Canderous's eyebrows lifted, and Revan felt a bit surprised herself. Maybe he did still care. If only a little.

A light of understanding seemed to have hit the bigger man, for he seemed to back down. He nodded slightly, then headed for the door. "I'll leave you to it, then." His voice sounded amused. He left, hitting the door control on his way out.

Now the two of them were alone. Carth holstered his blasters and walked to where she lay, helpless.

He looked so mad, as he wrenched at the binders. "Mandalorian scum," he grumbled, pulling her hands free. Revan sat up, pulling her hands down with a cry. Pain shot up her arms as the blood returned to her aching limbs.

Carth went to work on her gag next, pulling it off her and tossing it away. She hung her head, afraid to look at him as she pulled the sides of her robe together across her chest.

Her hands shook as she yanked off the disruptor. "I want that thing tossed out the damn airlock," she said shakily, licking her dry lips.

Carth sat next to her on the bed and started rubbing her arms, trying to massage the circulation back into them. "Are you OK?" His voice sounded husky.

She brought her head up, meeting his eyes. "Yeah, thanks to you." He didn't look mad anymore, just concerned. "How did you...? Why were you even here to stop him?" she asked.

He met her gaze, brushing the dark hair back from her face with his palm. "I was worried about you. I wanted to look in on you while you slept."

Suddenly, she felt like crying. "I thought you hated me," she whispered.

"God, no. How could you even think that?" he asked her, pulling her to him in a hug.

"All those things you said..," she began.

"I just... I don't know how to deal with all this." He gave a bitter laugh as he rubbed her back. "I promised to protect you, and it turns out..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "I've been trying to be so damn careful with you. Treating you like the innocent girl that I thought you were, but apparently you've done stuff that would make me blush. And I've been married and fathered a son."

Revan pulled back, annoyed. "I have absolutely no memory of any of that stuff. How can you judge me like this?" she snapped at him. Then the anger seemed to drain out of her, leaving her tired. "Look, if all you're about here is more of your misguided sense of 'duty', then you can just leave."

Carth's arms tightened around her, and he pulled her back into his chest. He nuzzled the side of her neck with his nose. "I'm sorry. Hell, if this is hard on me, I can't imagine what you're going through right now."

She took advantage of the opportunity to be close to him, and burrowed into his embrace. He felt so good, so big and strong next to her.

His face traveled up from her neck, and he softly brushed her cheek with his lips. Revan felt her heart speed up, and she let her eyes fall closed. He feathered kisses across her face, kissing her forehead, her eyelids, and finally, her lips.

His kiss was soft at first, almost as if he was asking permission. Revan slid her hands around his neck, letting him know that she wanted him to continue, and the kiss gained strength, becoming harder, more possessive. His hands moved from around her back and began rubbing hers where she clutched her robes together. Her hands gave way, and he parted her robe, his hands slipping in to touch her bare skin, sliding up her ribcage and over the tops of her breasts. He seemed to be teasing her, touching her everywhere but on her aching nipples. He cupped her and squeezed, causing her to gasp. His mouth slid down to her neck and he kissed it, stroking her there with his tongue.

She couldn't believe this was actually happening. She thought she'd lost him for ever when the truth had been revealed.

Despite all that was wrong in the universe, being this close to him made everything right again.

He drew up short, and she looked down to see what was wrong. Carth was looking at her naked chest. On the inner curve of her right breast was a nasty purple bruise. It contrasted starkly against her pale skin.

Canderous had marked her.

She was sure he'd pull away, but he surprised her, leaning down and running his tongue over the bruised flesh. Her head fell back on her neck, and she clutched handfuls of his hair, holding his head to her chest. He licked his way across her chest, from one breast to the other, then sucked her nipple into his mouth. He nibbled on it, biting her, then moved to the next one, and did the same to it. Whimpering, she shoved his flight jacket off his shoulders, then grasped the hem of his shirt, and pulled it off, too. Now he was magnificently bare chested, and he was gorgeous. His chest was lightly furred, and packed with tight muscles. He pulled her up against him, and the feel of skin on skin contact took her breath.

His mouth came back up to capture her lips, his kisses ravenous now, and his hands slid down her belly, working their way into her leggings. She shivered a bit as she felt his hand slide across her slippery flesh.

She decided to do some exploring of her own, and slid her hand into the front of his pants, squeezing him. He groaned against her mouth, and slid two hard fingers up inside her.

She felt stretched, stuffed, and more excited then she'd ever felt in her entire life.

He set up a rhythm, stroking her internally, and in a matter of seconds, she went off like a fire cracker.

His hand came out of her leggings, and he pulled them down, along with his pants. With shaking hands, she helped him undress them both.

And then he was there, on top of her, crushing her into the bunk as he positioned himself between her legs. Right before he took her, he met her eyes, "I love you, you know," he said roughly, grabbing a fist full of her hair.

She stared back into his eyes, feeling as if her heart was about to burst.

Then his lips were on hers again, and he was thrusting into her.

He was strong, and wild, and demanding, yet sweet, as he clutched her to him, holding her against his body with strong hands as he moved over her.

She felt sensations build up inside her until she broke apart, shattering into a million pieces. She cried out, holding tight to him. His pace increased, then he gave a shout and gripped her to him, spasming inside her.

Their breathing was lound, ragged, and he kissed her, easing back. He slipped from her body, and she felt a brief pang of loss.

He lay down next to her, pulling her to him with his hand on her hip. She looked into his face and brushed those adorable stray hairs back off of his forehead.

"I'm so sorry. For everything. But you've got to believe me when I say that I'm not the Ravan who did all those terrible things," she whispered to him.

"I know. And I do love you. We just both need to find a way to deal with this. And move past it."

And they did.