The Ultimate Halloween Costume.
Disclaimer: I own none of the intellectual property I have based this on. If I did I would hire someone else to write fanfics for me and call them canon! I also promise not to recap the entire episode and make it follow the canon plotline as if nothing has changed. I despise people who do that, tho' it probably makes it easier to write, as they can just copy the transcript and pretend they've written something new. This is a crack fic, so it hardly matters anyway.
Xander's eyes roamed the shelves of Ethan's, as he tried to figure out how to put together a costume without going over his, admittedly small, budget. Spying a black collared shirt and a pair of cowboy boots, he couldn't help but grin. 'Damn, no fake beards. Oh well, I'll just dye some steel wool brown and use that.'
Most people probably wouldn't recognize him, but the man he was dressing as had been awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system earlier this year. Plus, Xander always did like his movies.
Later that night…
The Man stood up and shook his head, wondering what he must have drank that night, as he looked around at all the tiny demons running amuck.
"Xander!" Willow yelled, seeing her best friend looking around with mild amusement.
"Xander!" she yelled again, from less than a foot away, only to 'eep' as he blurred into motion, stopping a roundhouse kick just short of her ethereal nose and blew her hair straight back with the wind from the pulled blow.
"Yelling at someone who's less than a foot away is rude. Especially when you can't even get their name right," he answered mildly, with a hint of a western accent, while lowering his right foot to the ground.
"Umm, s-sorry," she stammered, wondering who he'd dressed as and how she was going to explain things to him.
"That's alright; everyone is entitled to one mistake, but only one."
A scream split the night and Willow yelped, "Buffy! You have to rescue her, she dressed as a 16th century noble woman. She'll be helpless out here."
The man nodded and moseyed in that direction with his thumbs in his belt loops, making better time than Willow's panicked sprint, as if time slowed down for him out of fear.
"Mam, do you need some help?" he asked kindly, never one to leave a damsel in distress.
The girl's pupils' dilated as she took in the male before her. He wore a black shirt with a bolo tie and blue jeans and cowboy boots and had the rugged type of manly beard that made her glad her dress was a good thirteen layers thick, else he would think her a wanton from her body's reaction. "Thank you, kindly. I don't know what has happened, but I seem to have been kidnapped from my father's castle and dropped here with no protector."
He took her hand and helped her to her feet, kissing her palm as he did so. "Well, it'd be terribly rude for me not to see you to a place of safety than, wouldn't it?"
"Well, well, what have we here?" Spike asked with an evil grin. "Two weak little girls and a cowboy. And here I thought I was going to have to gather a pack of minions and hunt you down."
The rugged, bearded man snorted in amusement, creating a gust of wind that blew up all thirteen layers of the noblewoman's skirt for a moment.
Deciding not to tempt fate, Spike sprang forward and bit at the man's neck, shattering his fangs and not even scratching the man's skin.
The Man chuckled quietly, as Spike cursed, before grabbing the blond vamp and biting him back, spitting out a chunk of flesh.
Spike stumbled back and grabbed his neck, "You bloody wank… Why do I feel hot?"
The girls watched in amazement as the vamp fell to his knees. "Everything looks blurry."
Spike scratched his face, as a rapidly appearing beard rash caused itching and he tore at his suddenly too tight jeans, before collapsing to the ground holding his head. "It feels like I'm being repeatedly kicked through a windshield."
Taking the noblewoman by the arm, he escorted her past the convulsing vamp. "So where is a good place to take this fine young lady, where she'll be safe?"
Willow shook off her confusion. "I know, we'll go to Buffy's place!"
Three weeks later…
Buffy looked at the results of her pregnancy test with a mixture of shock and joy. "I'm pregnant. I thought the slayer couldn't get pregnant?!"
Giles rubbed his glasses. "It's nearly impossible. The only record of a slayer ever getting pregnant was when the roman deity, Zeus had seduced one. Has anyone figured out who Xander dressed as yet?"
"Uh oh," Willow worried, before rubbing her own stomach contemplatively.
"Now don't tell me you were involved in all of this, I distinctly remember you saying you had dressed as a ghost and were immaterial for the night."
Willow blushed hard enough to match her hair. "He… rubbed his beard on me and I was suddenly alive again."
"What?" Giles stared at her, sure he had heard her wrong.
Before she could speak up, Cordelia Chase marched into the library. "Excuse me, but I seem to have a problem of the Virgin Mary-type."
"What?" Giles blinked, wondering what all girls had forgotten to mention about Halloween night.
"I'm pregnant, but I didn't have sex. Hell, the closest I've come to sex is a kiss Xander gave me on Halloween, although that got me off better than any fumble fingered boy ever did." Cordelia grumbled, still wondering, along with the others, where Xander had disappeared to and not looking as upset as she should have about being a teen mother.
Giles looked at Willow. "I suppose you're pregnant as well and did nothing more than kiss?"
Willow hid behind her text book.
"That's a no then?" he asked.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Cordelia passed out from one kiss, we didn't."
"So…" Giles rubbed his temples and wondered how he was going to deal with a pregnant slayer.
"Yep," Buffy nodded. "I seem a bit more resistant to… you know, and Willow wouldn't have passed out if you had shot her full of drugs."
"Buffy, how are you going to deal with being a slayer and a mother at the same time?" Cordelia asked, uncharacteristically worried for someone else.
Buffy shrugged. "The only demons I've seen in the last couple of weeks have had their heads ripped off. All I do on my rounds is provide mercy killings now and I haven't seen any demons in the last two and a half week if you want to get picky."
"Oh, Dear Lord," Giles gasped out. "I know who he dressed as."
AN: Just a strange bunny I wanted to get rid of.