Disclaimer: You know, if I did own Kingdom Hearts, I'd still totally write fanfics about it. See, because if I did, I could do some horrible shit to my characters without actually having to deal with the consequences. 8D

Wow. So this story is the one I promised Aya Invictus that I'd write for her when she correctly answered the trivia-like question at the end of some chapter of my Zemyx chapterfic, PoS. I gave her a choice of what she wanted it to be, of course. Her prompts were as follows:

XemDem and the genre Angst/Romance

Let me tell you now, chika: I'm scarred for life over this one, ne? I do hope it's not too full of fail, but holy crap! It's hard for me to write anything with Xemnas in it! Thank the gods for angst and suicidal Demyxes. -sweatdrops- Seriously, though. That was a hard one. In any case, I cheated a little. This is mostly just Demyx thinking about Mansex and shit like that before his death in the game. Mansex isn't actually in it, but that's who Demyx is talking to. Alrighties,

Warnings: LOTS of foul language and suggested rape, and boy-on-boy lovens. I just didn't see that it was bad enough to be rated 'M', so that's that.


We were just playing the whole time, weren't we?

It was all just a game wasn't it? No, don't answer that. I know it was. Like a fucked up game of chess, we were your pieces, made to move across the board at your dictation. We were loyal, despite being technically unable to feel 'loyalty'. Hell, all any of us ever wanted was to be real again. Every one of us – yes that means you too – knew we had wasted our lives while we were real. That only make the fake-ness that much more terrible.

I guess I… I never really wanted it to all be a game of pretend. I wanted to think that you fucked me because you liked me… Loved me? No, of course not. I was a pawn, just like any of the others. You were our king. Well, that's all going to end tonight, huh?

For me at least.

You know that, though, don't you? I disobeyed. I am going to be punished. I really, really, really wish I could care about that, but as you full-well know, I'm just as empty as any of the others. I don't even care if I get my heart back anymore. It has ceased to matter.

My only question for you is this: Do you think if you had a heart you would hate me?

What can I say? I never did like being hated. I was never a fighter. You knew this; you knew it right from the start. And that's why you sent me on this mission tonight. You know exactly where it will lead. Damn, I wish I cared about that. I'd love to be angry, resentful… Sadness even would be fitting for the situation at hand.

That first time, when I was younger and naïve, when you sent for me, Axel had snickered behind his hand. He knew I wouldn't be walking for a few days. Is he dead? Or did he actually turn on the Organization? Did he escape you?

Zexion and Lexaeus had taken care of me after that first time, minimally, of course, as they weren't able to feel sympathy. Neither of them was good at acting either, unlike me. They were the closest to friends I ever had, you know. I'll still never forget how the tears didn't come when I heard about what happened to them. I wanted them to! So badly! …But… They never did.

They were killed. You knew it was going to happen. I know you did. You wanted them gone. Like the little pieces on your chess board, they had served their purposes and were no longer necessary. Actually, now that I think about it, you probably decided they were in the way.

I'm always in the way. I can't kill Roxas – Ah, damn it! I mean Sora, and you know it. That's why you're sending me off. And I didn't even pretend to give a fuck this time. Sure, I'll make a show for the kid (it's what Roxas would expect after all and I refuse to let him know you broke me) but it really won't mean a damn thing.

I have another question, Superior: Can a Nobody die? I mean, I know we can be harmed, we bleed, we fade away to nothingness, but when that happens, do we die? Or are we not even permitted that luxury?

I'd be willing to bet we don't. I bet we are so insignificant and useless that we don't even get to die when we 'die'. Fuck, I'd love to hate you for this.

You broke me. You broke Axel, and Roxas, and Zexion, and Lexaeus, and Saix (whom I do believe still loves you), and you broke me. And you know what? I can't wait for the day to come (as it draws ever-nearer) when Roxas comes back to break you. He will, you know. None of us can hurt him now that's he's with his Other again. Not even you.

I hope he fucks you into the floor, leaves you bleeding and dirty. I hope he rapes you until you can't even breathe, let alone walk. I hope he makes you hurt the way I did every fucking time. I hope you feel so gods-damned dirty after that that you never recover.

I hope you live just long enough to realize that this whole time, while you were busy playing chess with our non-existent hearts, that you were the biggest pawn of all. You're going to fucking die, Xemnas. Even if we don't 'die', you'll burn forever. And I hope you see Roxas in your nightmares every night in your next life (if we are allowed to have another life after this one).

I hope Roxas didn't notice that tear. I'm fading now. Goodnight. Give the others that live my regards. I'll give yours to those of us that you've already used and thrown away.

I'm never going to return to you. Not your bed, nor your fucking Organization. But you knew that all along, didn't you?