I actually wrote this a while ago and forgot about it (I don't know...maybe back in June or so?). I've been finding some old stories in my room and in a long since forgotten folder inside a folder inside a folder on my computer, so I might be uploading a few of them over time (several of them were written a long time ago and therefore need heavy revision before I plan on posting them, if I plan on posting them at all; a lot of them, mostly the first fics I've ever written, suck hard like you wouldn't believe and will never see the light of day).
I don't remember what it was that I was on when I wrote this one, but rereading it gave me quite a laugh. Maybe it was that Mountain Dew again? I'm rather fond of Mountain Dew.
Note that this is a crack-fic and likely none of it is logical.
Jazz twitched. He was lying on his side on a smooth surface. Someone was lightly stroking his shoulder. How did he get there? All he could remember was...oh yeah...he likely died. Megatron had ripped him in half. But if he was dead, then where was he now? And why was someone petting him?
He heard someone talking. Bee? He was asking Ratchet if he thought that he'd make it in a solemn, depressing tone. So apparently he wasn't dead, at least not at the moment. He moved his head slightly. "Bee?" The conversation between Bumblebee and Ratchet stopped, as did the petting. He slowly opened his optics and let them adjust to the flood of light, not paying any mind to the fact that his vision wasn't tinted blue like it usually was.
Bumblebee was staring at him, looking like he wanted to glomp him and cry at the same time. "Jazzy! You're alright!" Bumblebee said excitedly.
"How do you feel, Jazz?" Ratchet asked.
"Worse than a hangover, but slightly less than getting kicked in the nuts," Jazz groaned.
"Well, he's well enough to be crude, so that's a good sign," Ratchet sighed, writing something down on a data pad.
Jazz sat up and looked up at Bumblebee. Hey, wait a minute... "Hey Bumblebee, did you grow since I last saw you?"
Bumblebee's optics looked away. "Um... No..."
"Then why do you..." He happened to glance down upon his paws. Paws that he didn't have before... He sat up straight so he could better see his fuzzy reddish-bluish body and looked behind him to see a bushy tail- all features that he'd never had before... "What the hell did you do to me?!"
"Um...surprise?" Bumblebee replied.
"What the hell did you turn me into?!"
"A coyote..." Ratchet answered.
"Oh great! A coyote! So before I was a really awesome robot, and now I'm a mange-infested rat! Simply perfect!" Jazz ranted.
"Quit bitching and count your blessings. At least you don't have random urges to hump stuffed animals," a very angry-looking rabbit growled at him from another table.
"Oh...um... Hi, Bonecrusher," Jazz said, recognizing the voice. He looked back at Ratchet. "Explain?"
"Well, we won..." Ratchet started.
"That's good. So now why am I a coyote?"
"Well, as you likely already know, you didn't survive the battle..." Jazz nodded for him to continue. "The All-Spark survived, but it's only a fragment now, which makes it weaker. Because it was made weaker, it didn't have enough power to bring you back and repair your body. So we had to make a choice. It wasn't that hard to choose since your body's of no use to us without your spark."
"So I'm gonna be a coyote for the rest of my life?!"
"No, of course not. We would have chosen something better if we expected you to live in that body for the rest of your life. I can still repair your body manually, but it'll take longer. We needed a place to put your spark until it's finished."
"So you killed a coyote just so I could use its body as a shell?"
"Oh, Primus no! We could never kill an innocent being! That's against everything we believe in!"
"So then how did you get my spark to stick? I can't imagine that would work very well with a soul already attached to the shell."
"It was dead when we found it..." Bumblebee blurted out.
"Well that explains why I smell..." Jazz looked over at the black and white rabbit. "And him?"
"We needed to make sure it would work before we tried it on you and destroyed your spark a second time," Ratchet explained. "We didn't need to waste All-Spark energy resurrecting him because he was still alive when it came time to dump his body."
"Aren't I lucky?" Bonecrusher said coldly. "I'm a guinea pig in the body of a rabbit."
"Can you help me down from here, Bee?" Jazz asked.
"Jazz, you can't leave the medbay yet," Ratchet replied.
"Relax. I'm not leaving."
"Oh. In that case, help him down, Bee."
Bumblebee picked him up and set him down on the ground. "Where are you going?"
"To sit in my Emo-Corner so I can listen to My Chemical Romance and cry."