Well this is probably going to be quite crack fic-ish. It's just pure speculation on my part on what would happen if Hitsu's nonexistant hormones kicked in xD

To be honest it's more than likely if they did he'd go for Hinamori but she's a bit of a dtiz to be honest.

So yeah, everything will probably be OOC but it's a fanfic so that's expected.

And it has hormones in the title and involves hitsugaya so yeah...if that gives you no hint I need to get a neon sign.

Anyways: I don't own anything - at all...ever...


Histu's POV

I glanced at the clock for what must have been the fifth time in two minutes, 6:43. I sighed; I'm not usually this irritable (To me anyway – some people beg to differ). How did I get roped into working over, over, overtime anyways? OH that's right…I offered. Like the nice guy I was. Because I just love paperwork, I don't get enough of it! Maybe I should just announce to Yamamoto that I want to be secretary to the Gotei 13, no, the WHOLE of Soul Society.

God, I hate paper.

Next time I see a tree, I'm going to give it hell.

Global Warming my ass…

I glanced at the clock again.

6:44…did I mention it's AM?

Yeah, 6 in the god damn morning. I hadn't stopped working for a full 72hours AKA 3 days. Whatever God is out there dominating my life is a sick sod.

Who hates trees…or was that me? I can't tell anymore.

Either way, less tree's Less paper so win-win situation for me.

I couldn't stand being at work any more. Not because I had a lot of work to do, which I do…in case you hadn't noticed.

Or because of some personal vendetta against trees (It's not like they exist for a reason, do I even need oxygen now that I'm dead?)

Or even because of my lazy ass lieutenant, which is most definitely a first.

No, it was because I should be out there. Fighting.

The war against Aizen hadn't been going to plan, on anyone's side; it has been 10 years since the traitor took off with 2 other captains and left Soul Society in a complete and royal mess.

10 long years and nothing had changed, in fact, life was getting totally repetitive. Aizen would attack, we'd kill some of his guys, his guys would kill some of our guys, Ichigo would loose it and take it completely personally and murder everything…

Lord, it was getting ridiculous. The death toll was catastrophic, not just for shinigami but for humans. Aizen's new battle plan was to kill as many humans as possible and overwhelm us with the amount of soul burials needed, since we couldn't get all of the pluses it was obvious that they would turn into hollows, increasing the number on his side and vastly changing the advantage of home field.

Humans have no idea what's going on, only that a huge amount of people are getting ripped apart by thin air everyday. Karakura town is the worst, naturally. Their population has dropped by at least half, if not more.

Apparently he is no longer interested in destroying the place, at least not all at once any way…

You'd think that would make it easier wouldn't you?

I sighed and stabbed at the offensive document in front of me, putting a hole right through the middle of it.

Meaning I would have to start...




This is exactly why I became a shinigami. So glad I joined…

The door to my office slid open and in stumbled an exhausted looking Matsumoto (probably been out drinking last night…again) her chest nearly falling out of her dishevelled uniform, she blinked groggily, running a hand through her tangled strawberry blonde locks with a confused look on her face.

"Taicho?" she mumbled, glancing outside to the rising sun, then at her watch and then back to me again. "Have you been working all this time?" she continued, staring in awe at the mountain of paper dumped unceremoniously upon my desk. (Damn trees)

If I hadn't had a growth spurt she might not have been able to see me.

(Oh yeah, I had a growth spurt.

So much for the whole aging-differently-thing.

Around a year or so ago my inactive hormones had decided to kick in, after about 100 years, and I'd shot up to be around Ichigo's height, much to his annoyance, and I could now lord it over the other captains.

Because I wasn't short, not anymore.)

"Hn" I grunted, screwing up the third incorrect document and lobbing it towards the overflowing trash can (eleventy is not a number) I missed by a few feet, I must be getting tired. The first two went in easily. Or did they? When did we even get a trash can anyway? Did soul society even have trash cans?

"Oh Taicho" cooed the busty woman, sitting on top of the least paper covered area she could find. I tried very hard to focus on what she was saying but I was to busy trying to control the impulse to eat the report in front of me so I missed it entirely. "You look hideous" she went on, glancing at my ruffled hair, wrinkled clothes and paler than usual skin (except for the two massive bags under my eyes) "Maybe you should take a rest" I bobbed my head jerkily up and down, dropping my pen. Rest sounded wonderful right now…

"Good idea" I slurred, smirking at the paper. She probably thought I had finally cracked; a few years ago I wouldn't have smirked at anything. Let alone a stack of paper. "You can go" I went on. Trying to retain some dignity, she gave me a last, apprehensive glance and left the room.

I waited for a few seconds, making sure she wasn't planning on coming back before collapsing, head first onto the desk, hopefully squishing a decent amount of paper whilst I did it. Snoring before I had time to register the pain.

Did Aizen's goons have to deal with paperwork? I can suddenly see the appeal…





Because of Hormones

Chapter 1

Bring on the Thunder





So according to my daily schedule, which Matsumoto so helpfully fished out the trash, I had about 10 minutes until I was due in a 'very important' captains only meeting.

Which usually meant one of two things.

The world was coming to an end


The world was coming to an end faster

It's a funny old afterlife we live in…

So anyway, after waking up to find I had been drooling all over my paperwork with Matsumoto's chest in my face and a meeting I was due to be in when I looked like I had been doing some serious drugs the night before, I drowned my head in cold water and ran to the Captain-Commanders building, looking as dignified as a floppy sock.

God I hate Pre-emptive Karma…


Back on subject.

The 'very important' meeting.

"Welcome Captains—" I glanced at my watch, 8:23. I only got 2 hours sleep! No wonder I feel so exhausted, and why the room keeps spinning…wow that's disorientating.

"As you all know the war against Aizen has been getting progressively worse-" Wow…I hadn't noticed…please oh master of the obvious, tell me something I don't know? Normally I wasn't so aggressive with my thoughts but quite frankly I was pissed, sleep deprivation really didn't agree with me. I was glad that mind reading wasn't something any one in this room possessed…

"We will be sending—" he droned on, god his voice was irritating. It sounded all echoed and far away, or was that me again? Huh…sleep deficiency really is serious…Who knew?

"Do you accept?"

Wonder what poor sap he was picking on now…I glanced around the room, the 4th division captain – Unohana-taicho was looking at me worriedly. I guess I looked as bad as I felt.

If that was at all possible…

Oh wait…it wasn't just her that was looking at me. Everyone was. Oh crap. What had I missed? Yamamoto was looking at me to, rather expectantly I might add.

Tell me I wasn't the sap!

Quick, do what you normally do! My mind screamed, rattling the inside of my already jumbled brain.

"Hai" I muttered, scowling and crossing my arms, glaring at everyone in the room. Every captain seemed to breathe a sigh of relief; maybe my lieutenant wasn't the only one who thought I'd lost it recently.

"Very well" the old man announced, nodding at me in approval.

Oh bugger what had I just signed up for…





"Ok Taicho" Matsumoto sighed, rolling her pretty blue eyes and rubbing her temples in annoyance "You're going to earth, to kill hollows and hunt for possible shinigami's from the dead…or the living" she continued. "You're taking a team because if you went alone you might not come back, especially when you're…erm" she waved her hand vaguely in my direction and didn't even need to finish that sentence. I was a wreck; all the work and strain of the war had finally taken its toll. It was even more evident when I had to ask her to fill me in on a meeting I'd be in. thankfully she didn't seem to want to spread that rumour around, clearly matsumotos pity was the only thing keeping my reputation intact at the moment…

At the thought of hollow hunting my mind turned dark, thought's of Aizen and even more unpleasant things sprung to the forefront of my thoughts.

Hinamori…she hadn't improved in the slightest, if anything she had got worse. Every time there is an attack she just looks at the sky with this weirdly hopeful look on her face, as if Aizen will just drop down and apologise for everything he's done and give her a great big hug.

(Yeah because the last time they'd hugged it worked out so brilliantly.)

I needed a vacation…or a chance to take my anger out on a bunch of hollows, which was basically a vacation for me. So this mission had come along at exactly the right time. That and I hadn't actually had a proper fight in months. Anyone could attack me right now and I would probably die, or was that because I was so tired I was seeing two of everything?

"When are we leaving?" I slurred, clearing my throat. She didn't comment but I could see my battered appearance in her eyes and knew what was going through her head, could I handle this? I drew myself up to my full height, level with my lieutenant and erased all thoughts of exhaustion from my mind. I was Hitsugaya Toushiro, captain of the 10th division, child prodegy, of course I could.

"Unfortunately for you, immediately." The exhaustion came back "We'll be arriving in Karakura town and meet up with Ichigo and Rukia. They'll explain the situation properly"

I groaned internally, immediately! I am going to die by falling asleep in a battle…I always knew it would be something stupid.

"We could postpone it" Matsumoto continued in a much softer tone, sensing my discomfort. I rolled my eyes. As if I would ever admit to feeling too tired to travel.

I had a reputation to keep.

"Whatever" I drawled, stumbling to my room and snatching Hyōrinmaru from his stand, throwing the zanpakutō roughly round my shoulders where it landed with a soft thump on my back. It felt good to have it there again after so long, the blade even seemed happier.

I glanced briefly in the mirror and shuddered, and I thought hollows were ugly. Road kill looked more attractive than I did.

"Let's go" I called, running a hand through my spiky hair, making it even messier than it was before. At least I tried…

"Hai" Matsumoto sang, dashing round the room, throwing last minute items into a handbag she'd kept stashed in my room. I rolled my eyes; she'd probably go on another shopping spree as soon as we arrived so what was the point in packing? Honestly the woman was too predictable.

I repressed a shudder as I remembered the time she'd dragged me through one of the many malls on earth, I had never been so mortified in my life, especially when she forced things on me to see how they looked… "Do you think I need straightners?" she mumbled, probably a rhetorical question but since I was so irritable I snapped back anyway.

"Only if the Hollows want a make over!" she giggled, tossing her perfect hair over her shoulders and threw them in her bag anyway. Why did I even bother…?





As we (we being myself, Matsumoto, Renji, Ikkaku and Yumichika) made our way through the all but deserted streets of Karakura town a wave of melancholy hit me at full force.

The sky was overcast turning the normally bright, happy and lively town in a constant shade of grey, and misery.

Hardly anyone was about and anyone that was had a haunted look on their pale, waxy faces. No one made eye contact, spoke or acknowledged anyone else. Fear. It was thick in the air. I thought Soul Society was bad but this was…overpowering. We at least had hope, we could fight back but these humans couldn't even see their enemy – let alone retaliate.

I almost felt guilty for not wanting to come.


Because I never feel guilty.


In fact, I don't feel anything.

Most of the time…


I could tell Matsumoto wanted to say something witty, something to lift the atmosphere of death but no humorous one liner could change the way these people saw us. Strangers, a threat.

We hadn't been seen before (well not in at least 10 years anyway…) and the panicked anger was evident in each of the few people's eyes. Could we be here to take more away? I highly doubted we could, too much had been lost already.

I sped up, my movements were awkward and uncomfortable in the Gigai but I didn't stop to adjust, not wanting to linger in the morbid streets anymore than I had to. Randomly flying down alleys with no real destination, just…away. All this depression reminded me of other, unpleasant things. Hinamori, she had the same, blank, fearful look on her face. (When she was awake that is…) I was here a total of 5 minutes and I already wanted to leave. Is this why most Shinigami refuse to or avoid coming here? I was beginning to understand why everyone was hurrying to get desk jobs.

This was dire.

"Split up" I muttered, after a few minutes of mindless marching, if I was going to get emotional I wasn't doing it in front of a group of people. (The reputation was still there you know.) "See if anyone round here has decent spiritual energy and if you find a hollow" my eyes narrowed, anger licking my insides "obliterate it"

A chorus of "Hai's" and whines of annoyance met my response and then I was alone.


What was the saying? Misery loves its company?

Oh well I wasn't going to sit here and mope until a hollow attacked.

I kept walking, staring at the floor whilst I did it. Seeing anymore hopelessness would probably send me into a blind fury. I hadn't felt loathing like this since Aizen's betrayal and my rage didn't do me any favours. If anything it made me sloppier.

Another thing I wouldn't admit to.

Damn that list was getting long…

Glancing up I felt mild surprise at my location, but the clinic was unmistakable. The fact that "Kurosaki" was written on the front just made it even more blatantly obvious.

Of course I was supposed to be wandering randomly; ending up here was quite a bizarre twist. I'd been here a few times but that was well over a decade ago. I wouldn't know how to get here without a map.

Without anything better to do I separated myself from the faux body and leaped up to the nearest window, hopefully it was Ichigo's room; they all looked the same from the outside anyway.

Thinking of Ichigo it reminded me of what Matsumoto had said, that Ichigo and Rukia would greet us and fill us in. I scanned the area for any outstanding spirit energy levels, my teammates sparked in the distances, fighting hollows by the looks of it.

At least they're working my zanpakutō sneered. Irritating thing…

Another, larger and by far closer signal peeked suddenly, as if responding to my questioning energy. The strength of it nearly knocking me over by its intensity, it was calling out to me, so much so I found my body moving of it's own accord, opening the window to the room. Stunned I shook it off and dropped my hands, I hadn't noticed it earlier but now I could feel it, this energy wasn't harsh, it was almost warm, gentle, a burning summer sun. It felt nice…I usually hated heat…

Focusing in on it my brain came to the only possible conclusion available. Ichigo was obviously in his house. There was only one person who could have that ridiculous amount of spirit energy.

Maybe he'd done something to change its feel, maybe he'd gotten rid of that inner hollow of his…either way I was relieved that nothing had happened. Ichigo was a valuable source of power, without him we might as well declare defeat.

I slipped in through the window and internally sighed with relief I had picked the right room, dim memories of the small, square area struggled to the front of my mind, tiny conversations about Aizen and something about a light…I shook my head. It was all fuzzy, I wasn't a nostalgic person and memories never came easy, unless they were burned into my thoughts…

I sat on the bed, the pathetic thing groaned under my weight and I frowned, was I fat now as well as exhausted? To be honest the poor thing has probably had so many people sat on it constantly it was surprising it hadn't collapsed yet.

But I digress…

I could hear the shower running in the direction of the energy and would rather wait and get yelled at for not announcing my presence than walk in on the powerful substitute shinigami in the shower.

I didn't really want more rumours about my nonexistent love life spreading through soul society, especially if it was about the Kurosaki boy and myself.

I shuddered at the thought…

With my mind elsewhere and slightly slow I failed to notice the water turn off, only when the door handle turned did my mind return to the present. Tensing I prepared myself for his shocked and angry reaction, I hoped he wasn't carrying anything. I could dodge but he would probably get more irritated if he broke whatever he threw at me…and if he missed he would probably just pick up something bigger.

At the moment he wasn't exactly fond of shinigami…or so the rumours say.

I couldn't blame him; I wasn't fond of us right now either.

The door opened.

For a few seconds nothing happened.

I stared, wide eyed, mind blank as someone who most definitely was not Ichigo stepped in through the door. Her dark, emotion filled eyes widening with surprise when she spotted me, her mouth forming a small 'O' of astonishment.

The short, violently cut black hair I vaguely remembered was now long and wavy, but wet and dripping down the no longer flat-chested, pencil shaped 10 year old girl I weakly kept in mind from all those years ago.

In that girls place stood an extremely surprised young woman who was clad in only a small towel, which she instinctively pulled tighter against her body, surprise very quickly melting into fury. How could she even see me anyway?

The dormant male side of my brain, that had only just started stirring since my growth spurt, roared fully into life now. Billions of not so innocent thoughts ran through my head, a steady blush creeping onto my currently shell shocked face.

If she didn't say anything soon I might start grinning like an idiot.

I mean, I'd seen matsumoto like this before but this was completely, totally and utterly different. I didn't react like this with her; she was like an annoying sister or some kind of crazy aunt. Kissing her would be like kissing Hyōrinmaru…or Ichigo…

Neither of those options looked particularly appealing.

But kissing the woman before me…

Before I could even comprehend that thought or where I was even going with that idea she let out a strangled cry, my head snapped up, I expected to find her looking rather frightened in the corner of a room somewhere.

I mean, that's what you were supposed to do when a strange man came into your house and sat on your bed whilst you were in the shower.

Not to mention when he was wearing strange clothes, had a weird hair cut and was carrying a rather large sword.

But no, she looked furious, she was shaking with suppressed rage, a light blush had started forming on her cheeks, most likely from embarrassment.

I watched fascinated as she stomped over to where I was sat, expecting a slap or some girly form of fighting like that but I was wrong, again…

She raised her hand and clenched it into a fist, fire flashing in her pretty eyes and punched me. The pain didn't register, I was in shock, not only could she somehow touch me in my shinigami form but she'd actually managed to hit me!

I guess I had the excuse of being exhausted…if anyone asked…

"GET!" she bellowed, my ears stung, along with one side of my face "OUT OF MY ROOM!"

And with that, she unceremoniously dragged me to the window and hurled me outside.

I weakly recalled, as I stopped myself from gaining complete humiliation by splattering over the pavement, that Kurosaki Ichigo, did in fact, have a sister…

Who he was extremely protective of.

And beat any guy who so much looked at her funny within an inch of their lives…




Oh crap…




Constructive critism is always loved D