Corona. No Lime.

Hello! Been a while!

The answer to your question "Why update a completed fic eleven years later?" is: "Why not?"

We are not at all taking this awful situation lightly. I guess this is just the only way we know how to deal with mind-numbing anxiety and increasingly horrible-r daily news: by being a little inappropriate. And by making each other laugh.

Oh, and, uh, we're just writing this chapter like 11 years hasn't passed and these crazy scotch kids are in college when shelter in place happens.

We love you all! Thank you for loving Scotch, Gin, and the New Girl after all these years. We don't know why you do, problematic as it is, but we appreciate it all the same. We hope you enjoy it or at the very least are mildly entertained by it.

Now, go wash your hands!



Okay, so. I understand that the entire world is on fire right now, but is it really too much to ask that I get to fuck my girlfriend, whom I haven't seen in weeks, in peace?

"You're lost." I mumbled it right into Bella's neck, but I knew Alice heard me.


Sighing heavily, I shifted the hot girl grinding on my lap a bit so I could more effectively glare at my old friend, who was standing in the doorway to my old bedroom at Casa de Cullen back in Forks.

"This isn't Los Angeles. You're obviously lost. Go back to your apartment."

Bella chuckled into my ear before ducking under my arm, which was still wrapped around her shoulders. "Oh, hey, Ali," she called out. She squirmed a bit, trying to turn around and/or get off my lap, which was not happening. I could still salvage this situation. I'm Edward Cullen.

Or not. Bella succeeded in twisting around, which meant we were no longer engaging in crotch-on-crotch contact. I ran my hand through my hair, frustrated.

"Edward, I can't stay in LA," Alice said, her voice choked and somewhat tragic-sounding. She even sniffed a couple times, dabbing her eyes with what looked like an Hermès scarf.

"And why not?"

Alice sighed heavily before dropping a very large Vuitton-logo duffle from her shoulder to her feet. I bet anything there were at least two matching Vuitton steamer trunks out in the foyer, too. "Why? Because it's the end of the world, silly. I broke three Non-Disclosure Agreements seeing as it's the apocalypse, right, so who cares about anything anymore? Like. Who cares who knows what, and even if someone did care, I can't die without confessing," she swallowed heavily and I knew she meant bragging, "some of this shit." She shifted on her feet and looked at the ceiling as my patience started to wane even more. "But, uh, I think I might have reacted a tad too hastily, because if we actually don't all die, then I'm getting sued and possibly murdered. And even with all of that going on, I still can't manage to keep my mouth shut. I'd ask you to take my phone away from me, but I'm contractually obligated to tweet at least thrice a day." She bit her lip and looked at both me and Bella with hope shining in her eyes, and when Bella chuckled, I knew me and Little Edward were dust.

"And you can't go to your parent's place because...?"

"The IRS seized everything in the raid," Alice sniffed, swiping at her nose with the back of her hand. I wanted to tell her to go wash her damn hands, but I supposed I could save the Dr Cullen lectures on the prevention of the spread of infectious diseases for later, when she wasn't looking so pathetic.

Besides, I had the inkling that I'd have the time. I could sense that I was about to have myself an unwanted houseguest during the lockdown.

We haven't even finished our first year of college yet, and already I'm being haunted by my friends of high school past.

"Alice," Bella began, completely removing herself from my arms, which was such bullshit. We're finally in the same bed at the same time, the world is uncertain, and now this? "Alice. Were you the leak about a certain influencer with a predilection for—"

"Yes," Alice said with a groan.

"Alice, you're disgusting," I told her, sitting up against my headboard and crossing my arms. I nodded toward the door. "And probably a walking staph infection, not to mention the current infection du jour. Get out."

"I can't, Edward," she whined, even wringing her hands for whatever sad little effect she was going for. "Shelter in place." Leaving her bag in the doorway, Alice sauntered out of the room, but we heard her voice from down the hall. "Did anyone see to stocking up on snacks?" Then a few clacks from her ridiculously high heels before she called out, "Mommy? Are you here? I'm hungry!"

I flopped to the side, my head landing on the mountain of pillows Bella insisted we have on every bed we've ever touched.

"I'm never getting it in, am I?" I asked, my voice muffled by the silk beauty pillowcases. Gotta keep this face smooth and perfect, even in a global crisis.

"Not if we've got company," Bella said, her voice amused if gratifyingly frustrated. She was definitely enjoying this too much. "I can't do it with Alice just…wandering around eating carrot sticks with hummus and crying about regretted acts of deviance with famous InstaGram influencers."

I thought about the time we fucked right on the balcony on the top floor at the Disneyland Hotel. All those tourists down in the Disney complex. Her moans had practically dared the Mickey ears hats to tilt up our way. "Why the hell not?"

"I'm not sure," she shrugged as she stood up. She stretched, her arms above her head, revealing a large swath of creamy skin below her crop top. "It's probably got something to do with maturity and sobriety."

"I deny being either of those things," I huffed, sitting up to try to get at that skin, but she danced away from my roving fingertips.

"I gotta call Jasper again," she told me, swaying her hips as she sashayed away. I watched those hips and swallowed deeply, sending a couple thoughts of pain and dismemberment toward both Alice and Jasper.

"He is not riding out the shelter-in-place here," I called out.

"I don't even know where he is right now," Bella called back. I just knew things were about to get worse, and I don't even refer to the pandemic currently happening... everywhere.

"If that fucking Christopher McCandless wannabe knows what's good for him, he'll fucking stay with Colleen and Talbot," I mumbled, even though I felt kinda bad about it. I hadn't seen Jasper since he'd dropped in on a date Bella and I had on one of the few nights we both had free time. Since Carlisle insisted I take a full load to try to get my pre-med degree as early as possible in addition to volunteering with one of his buddies from med school at a free clinic up in Palo Alto, my boning Bella time had been severely limited to begin with. Then fucking Jasper showing up just as I was getting way too handsy for public had been...well, business as usual, really.

Anyway, J had crashed our date a few months back to inform us that he'd broken into the Cullen house back here in Forks and raided both the garage and my closet for supplies.

Supplies for what, you ask?

Camping, mostly. Not even glamping, as Alice had suggested when she'd heard about Jasper's plans. No, the guy had decided to "find the truthful and true Jasper," and he needed survival gear. The old tent we used to set up in my backyard back in middle school so we could pretend we needed to hide to drink. An air mattress. Great-Grandfather Cullen's old wool army blanket from when he fought in double-yuh double-yuh two. My old butterfly knife, because he couldn't find his (we'd decided freshman year that we would become expert knife flippers, and I'll admit he was better at it than I was, because I didn't heed his advice that "you really need to practice, bitch"). Oh, and the dillhole took my mason jar of emergency weed, too.

I'll admit, I was slightly worried about him as normally, he was a faithful texter at least twice a week, but the ass didn't bring his phone with him. The last postcard he'd sent Bella had been from Casablanca (he would), and that had been three weeks ago. Whatever. Jasper could handle his own shit. He was probably hunkered down in a hut somewhere making masks from scratch or something utterly Jasper like that.

I made my way downstairs, following the sounds of giggling. When I got to the kitchen, I was totally unsurprised to see Alice standing near the large island with her phone pointed at Tanya, who was speaking in that sing-song I'm-talking-to-toddlers voice as she dug into a lemon with a fork over a bowl with her bare hands.

"...and when you're mixing the crushed chickpeas, you can use a fork, or even a potato masher, but I find a sense of purpose doing it with my fingers. Just make sure you wash your hands first! And don't worry," she winked toward camerawoman Alice, "we're all being responsible here and keeping our distance from one another. Keep each other safe, and remember: homemade doesn't mean it's better, but it does mean you care. Cut."

Bella clapped politely, not even rolling her eyes as she did it.

"Another successful installment of 'Home cooking with the Cullens,' I see," I commented dryly.

"Now, Edward," Tanya purred. She shifted toward the sink to wash her hands, but she turned her head to speak at me, her voice sly yet coy. "Be nice to Mommy. People who are homebound need to know how to cook in these desperate times. Get the crudités plate from the fridge, would you?"

Within minutes, Bella, Alice, and I were munching on celery and carrots with fresh hummus dip. Just like old times.

Not even a minute into snack time, I heard the rumble of an engine roaring up the driveway.

"Great," I muttered, crunching on a carrot. Bella was innocently licking at some hummus that had dripped down her thumb, and I had to suppress a groan at the sight of that wicked little tongue.

I knew that engine rumble. A new Bronco.

The front door banged open, followed by an obnoxious bellow.

"Guess who's back in the mothafuckin' howwwwwwse with a fat dick fo' yo...whuddup whuddup whuddup, comrades? Hey, everyone's here, good. Wait. Where's my man J? Where's he at? I got things to discuss with that guy." Emmett always was good at announcing himself.

"Hey," I nodded, but he was too busy wrapping his arms around both Bella and Alice to notice.

"Social distancing, you dipshit!" Bella laughed, turning into his embrace. Alice wrapped an arm around his waist, mirroring Bella and making what I had to say was a pretty tasty-looking sandwich. What, a guy can have an open mind. College has broadened my horizons, et cetera.

"Good to see you, too, baby girl," Emmett said, his dimple popping out as he grinned down at her.

"Hey, I don't know where you've been, ODB," Bella laughed before going to wash her hands. Atta girl. "Don't you know there's a nasty virus going around?"

"Aww, let a player play, Bells. My pops got his hands on some tests and ya boy's clean. Of corona, that is. Both the virus and the beer." He kissed her on the top of her head before heading over to the fridge.



"You good?"

"Yep. You?"


"Glad to hear it. Quit touching my lady. And wash your damned hands."

"Wow," Bella drawled. "You guys haven't seen each other since the summer, I'm so glad you have so much to talk about."

"I follow his TikTok," I shrugged.

"And I follow your InstaGram, Bella, so I see his pretty, pretty face often enough. Listen, that reminds me." Emmett swiped half the remaining hummus onto a celery stick and crunched on it loudly as he turned toward Alice. "What the hell did you do, Ali? One of my frat bros nailed this girl in his o-chem class who sucks off her western civ TA for advanced test copies, and he told her that his uncle's husband's stylist heard that what's-her-name hosted an orgy in a sauna that was attended by a certain young lady I know?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Alice said primly as she nibbled on the end of a pita chip.

Emmett got this affected, sad look in his eye as he leaned down and whispered, "I'm hurt I wasn't invited."

"You go to school in San Diego."

"It's a two-and-a-half hour drive, babe. Ninety minutes if you aren't a chickenshit. I woulda been there in a heartbeat."

Alice and Emmett continued to bicker about non-invites to orgies, which was super boring and annoying because...well, honestly, because I felt like I'd surpassed the need for such antics long ago. Probably because I'm a very mature person, or maybe because I'd found the only person I wanted to fuck for the rest of my life.

If I was ever lucky enough to go there again, what with all the damned unwanted house guests showing up, that is.

"Hey," Bella murmured into my ear, poking me in the neck. "What's going on in that perfectly-mussed head of yours?"

"My lack of interest in orgies."

"Oh?" she said playfully. She pushed me down onto a barstool at the counter and then climbed into my lap, her fingers running through my hair. "No more interest in such things?"

"Nope." I shifted on the stool as best I could, and Bella wiggled her hips until we were making the best sort of contact possible.

"And why not?" she said into my ear, her nose brushing against the corner of my jaw.

Now, I could have played around, I guess, but the gentle rocking of her hips was scrambling my mind. So I answered my girl, simple and true:


She hummed in my ear, the soft vibration seeming to carry all the way down to my lap.

"So what you're saying is," she murmured before touching the tip of her tongue just below my ear, which made my cock go from pleasantly engaged to hello, sailor instantly, "this girl is more than enough for you."

"Mm hmm," I agreed, very slowly lifting my hips and near hissing at the very slight contact between our pelvises. We were both wearing jeans, but if I dragged her upstairs right now, I figured I could fix that easily.

"So what you're saying is," she continued softly, her nails scratching just a little too hard into the hair at the back of my head, "you're not interested in a threesome, or a foursome, or a moresome? Not even if," and here she scraped her teeth down my neck, earning herself a nice upward thrust from me, "I'm participating?"

"Edward Cullen doesn't share," I panted, my fingers squeezing the armrests because I was about thirty seconds away from pulling the caveman scenario I'd just envisioned and dragging my lady away from the still-arguing Alice and Emmett and now-disinfecting the kitchen Tanya.

"Neither does Isabella Swan. But, just so you know," she said softly, and I have to say, it was incredibly gratifying that she sounded a bit out of breath as she shifted her hips very slowly over my now very hard cock, "I would be very, very interested in discussing-"

"Are you whispering him into a boner while I stand here talking at you?"

We both froze; Bella pulled her misbehaving hips away from mine as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and sank against me, huffing out a frustrated laugh. She lifted her head and turned to look at Emmett, who I noticed was standing there with his hands on his hips. He'd also donned an apron, the half kind that you see on old eps of I Love Lucy, with polka dots and a jaunty row of bows down the middle and everything; looks like Mommy had herself a new guest star for her series.

"I mean, I was more murmuring into a boner."

"The difference being?"

"Nuance, Emmett."

"Well, stop that. This isn't Porn Hub Premium. Unless…?" Emmett cocked his head to the side and picked up a cookie spatula, mimicking slapping something with it. Presumably Bella's ass.

"Right. We're going upstairs."

"Oh, no you don't," Alice said, her voice very chipper and more annoying than I remembered. She squealed, which made it worse, and I was about to burn my house down if it meant everyone would fucking leave.

"Alice," Bella laughed. "The country is in crisis. Quit adding to my anxiety."

"But look!" she squeaked, waving her phone at us.

I looked. And groaned.

"No." I made to stand and Bella dropped off my lap, turning quickly to cover my boner for me. Teamwork.

"No." I pointed at Alice's phone. "You are not welcome here."

"Fuck you very much, yourself," came Rosalie's drawl from the phone.

"Rosie!" Emmett crowed in delight. He rushed Alice and grabbed her phone, shoving his face forward as he turned the it this way and that. "Damn, girl. You're hotter than you were when I came to visit you up in Seattle last month."

"Emmett McCarty and Mary Alice Brandon, what in the ever-living fuck are you doing at Edward's house?"

"An excellent question," I called out, but Rosalie didn't even acknowledge my outburst, which...tracked. Typical Rosalie.

"You are supposed to stay home right now. You should all be at your own homes right now. There's a fucking pandemic going on, or don't you pay attention to things happening outside InstaGram?"

"You know why I can't be in LA, and since my parents lost the properties during that silly raid over the tax misunderstanding-"

"The Chi Omega house is the least sanitary thing in the country," Emmett shrugged with a grin.

"So you're what, reverting to high school and crashing with the dirty Golden Couple of Forks?"

"Pretty much," Emmett winked. "Come over, it'll be like old times. We'll play poker and make drinks suitable for sheltering in place."

"Take your quarantinis and shove it, Emmett, I have far more important things to do with my time than hang out with you-"

"Quarantinis?" Emmett scoffed. "Baby girl, please. We're going full Piña Co-Lockdown up in this bitch."

Alice clapped her hands excitedly and started chattering about the merits of 151 versus a nice Jamaican rum she'd discovered just before Spring Break was canceled, and I rolled my eyes. Heavily.

"This bitch? Baby girl? You haven't changed at all, have you, Big Poppa," Rosalie sneered, and I could see the narrowing of her eyes from all the way over here. "Misogyny and cultural appropriation are very passé , Em. Grow up."

"Rose got scarier," Bella murmured in my ear. "I approve."

"I thought you hated each other?"

"We do. Doesn't mean I don't respect another head bitch in charge when I see one."

"Hey, I'm educated! I've learned a lot," Emmett protested. It was kind of hilarious watching a jacked-up frat boy like my old buddy cower while holding a glittery rose gold covered-iPhone complete with a coordinating mother-of-pearl Pop Socket in front of his face.

"Taking a women's studies class to better get into the pants of hot nerdy scholarship girls does not an education make," I pointed out. I do so enjoy being helpful.

"You didn't," Rosalie said, her voice flat. I couldn't help but notice that for once, she wasn't all dolled up. Actually, she looked like she just rolled out of bed. Of course, Rosalie's just-rolled-out-of-bed look still included mascara and a flat iron, but still. It was a little unnerving seeing her without red lipstick and precise eyebrows. Not bad, just another indication that things were different.

"Rosie," Emmett whined, and he was actually blushing. Shit, once I got myself good and laid, I was going to give him so much crap for blushing. "That may have been why I signed up for the class, but...I don't know." He shuffled his feet before looking back at her face. He shrugged, somewhat helplessly, and said, "The sole purpose of females is not for me to decide their fuckability. I know this. Although," and he grinned, dimples popping out for full effect, "learning about women's issues just makes me more interested in them. Hey, did you know that I'm supposed to call out shittiness because I'm so tall and handsome and so very, very virile-ly masculine?" Emmett's voice trailed off as he walked away, taking Rosalie with him with Alice hanging on to his elbow as she tried to get her phone and best friend back.

"Fucking finally," I groaned. Tanya had disappeared, leaving a sparkling kitchen in her wake. Perfect. I hauled my girl up onto the island and immediately insinuated myself in between her legs, leaning forward to suck a big ole hickey on her neck. "Let's go upstairs."

"You're relentless," Bella laughed into my hair, but she wasn't saying no. In fact, she wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me closer, locking her ankles at the small of my back. "I like it."

The sparkle in her eyes made me grin, so I palmed one of her tits and squeezed lightly. The faux-scandalized gasp she gave made me squeeze harder, so I decided to start taking things to the next smutty level. I dragged my hand down her ribs, my fingertips settling into the waist of her jeans...and then her phone buzzed.

"Oh!" Bella exclaimed, sitting up and dislodging my mischievous fingers. "That could be Jasper!" She reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone, her lips pouting when she realized it wasn't him. "That jerk. Where the fuck is he? I'm getting a little concerned, here." She worried her bottom lip between her teeth as she swiped through her phone with her thumb, which of course made me want to nibble, too.


"Hmm?" She wasn't really paying attention anymore, and I sighed heavily. I stepped away, sweeping both my palms across the top of my head before clasping my hands and resting them at my crown.

"Do you want me to try asking Colleen if she's heard from him? I have the number to the compound in Croatia where they're staying. Dr Carlisle told me he spent a good hour and fifteen minutes taking Talbot to task for not social distancing last week, so the Whitlocks made for the property in the least-populated place that they own. I'm confident Colleen will take my call."

"Can we?" she asked, brightening visibly. I gulped. I knew I didn't have anything to worry about, but sometimes it grated, how my girlfriend had sort of stolen my best friend, or at the very least got custody of him for more than half the time. Other times, it was the greatest thing in the world. Like now, as I realized that I should probably be more concerned about the people I cared about, considering what was going on in the world at the moment.

"Yeah, we can," I said, giving her a close-lipped smile as I held my hand out. "Shall we? Oh, and I'm totally gonna be feeling you up during this call to check on the well-being of your bestest bud."

"You mean your bestest bitch," she said, taking my hand and squeezing playfully.

"Yeah, yeah," I said dryly. She hopped down off the island and I smacked her ass as I followed her upstairs. Maybe I wouldn't be getting any action any time soon, but dammit. I was gonna try.

We nearly made it back to my room when my father came barreling down the hall toward us, which is saying something because Dr. Carlisle Cullen, MD FACS, double board-certified plastic surgeon and EENT, whose right hand is insured for 3 mill and his left for 5, does not barrel. Carlisle strides. He glides. Shit, once back in the early 2000's after a few cocktails he even shimmied, but he does not barrel. He had his reading glasses pushed up in his hair and his car keys dangling in his hand. He's in the middle of closing up his private, all-plastic practice for the time being so he can donate space and medical supplies to local hospitals.

"Why are you having a prep school reunion in my house?" he asked softly. From exactly nowhere, he pulled out a temporal thermometer and swiped it across Bella's forehead, grunting in approval when he checked the number.

"Not my intention," I said, then let him take my temperature next. "You know them. They show up like the sycophants they are."

"Your flippant friends are what is wrong with this country. Also, possibly your arrogance," Carlisle said, as if he hadn't done Alice's lip fillers three months ago. As if he and his country-clubbing pals didn't raise us to be this way. As if Chip McCarty didn't buy his symptomless way into Covid tests for himself and his beloveds while people with much less are literally dying for tests. Although, to his credit, my father did pay attention, and had been battening down the hatches since early February. By the way-bidets are absolutely the way to go, I can't believe a bunch of rich bitches like us hadn't already been using them. "Social distancing doesn't mean 'me and my closest friends stay in.' It doesn't mean low-key parties, and it certainly doesn't mean flying in from all over the world to quarantine together-"

"Dr. Cullen, I think that Alice and Emmett just kind of want the comfort of a doctor and a maternal presence like Tanya's right now. We know how serious this is, believe me. It's scary, and your house just feels safe. Like home," Bella offered.

"You kiss my son with that mouth full of bullshit?" Carlisle asked Bella. Fortunately, the two of them had endured several tense run-ins and seemed to be building some kind of mutual affection for verbal sparring.

"No, but I do blo-"

"Okay, nope," I said, wrapping an elbow around Bella's neck and palming her mouth with my hand. "None of that talk between my father and my girl. Dad. We won't let anyone else in the house."

"If any of you so much as sneezes, I want to know about it," Carlisle said, brushing past us. "Now, I'm going to my office to pack up the rest of the supplies. Make sure you wrap up. And wash your damned hands."

Bella looked at me after Carlisle rounded the corner and was out of sight.


"He's been ending every conversation with 'wash your damned hands' since March tenth."

"He's all implants and fillers and lipo and lifts. Sometimes I forget your dad can like, save lives."

"Lucky you," I said, "Carlisle has never once let me forget his very God-like qualities."

"Poor little rich boy," Bella said, patting my cheek a little too hard before taking off for my room. I would've chased her but frankly, I was enjoying the view, so I took my time following her.

After we both washed our damned hands, I lifted Bella onto the sink and went for her neck in the way we both like. Her fingers went to my hair, my face, my back, and then to my neck. Then further around my neck. Then even further around my neck and while I am completely open to a bit of kink, I feel like asphyxiation requires some serious conversation and a safeword, at the very least.

"What?" I asked, pulling back, but she had me by the collar.

"I'm scared," Bella said.

"Did you miss a pill?" I asked. "You know Boy Scout me is always prepared, I have condoms in a variety of-"

"I'm not scared of unplanned pregnancy," Bella huffed, her eyes darting around the bathroom.

"Really? Because I am."

"I'm freaked out about...the world," she said, meeting my eye and then looking away. She let go of my collar and I stood up straight.

"Don't move," I told her.

She didn't move an inch; Bella was still in the same spot when I returned with a bottle of Lagavulin and a couple of Waterford Lismore tumblers that I'd swiped from Carlisle's home office. Bella took the glass I offered her and watched as I poured us both a drink.

"It's scary," I told her. "I'm the poster boy of privilege. If anyone is going to come out of this okay, it's me and my ilk. And it's still scary. It's scary in the immediate sense, and it's scary in the long term. It's scary because of what we do know about this fucking thing, but it's scarier because of what we don't know. It's terrifying for the people who will recover and for the people who won't. It's scary because even if this thing goes away, the effects will have forever changed everyone's way of life. This is a pivotal time for civilization." I leaned forward and rubbed my lips against her temple. "You're scared because this shit is scary."

"Thank you, Edward, for kicking me into a panic attack. Just what I need to hear in a time of crisis from the love of my life, my number one support system, my rock, my shoulder to lean on-"

I pushed the glass to her lips and had a sip of my own.

"Good things happened today. And now I'm here. Looking at you. And that's a great thing. You get to look at me," I smirked, leaning over her to glance at myself in the mirror. "And that's a really great thing. You're so lucky."

"And you're just so awful," Bella said with half a sniffle, half a laugh.

I took another swig of scotch and pressed my forehead to Bella's.

"I've seen most of the best parts of the world," I told her. "And right here, in this bathroom, between your legs, is the best place I've ever been. I absolutely love this moment. Don't you?"

"Yeah," Bella said, her face relaxing into something soft and lovely and warm. "I do."

"So that's what we'll do from now on," I told her. "We will take each moment as it comes and remember the ones that we love."

Bella nodded and gulped more scotch. She put the cup down on the marble countertop with a clank and sighed.

"I feel better."

"You're welcome."

"I think I just needed the booze," she said. "When did you turn into a Hallmark movie character, anyway?"

"When did you start liking Hallmark movie characters?"

Bella opened her arms wide and honest-to-goodness hugged me. I hugged her back, and it was one of those moments where I realized that even though sometimes this relationship is just filthy and lusty and void of honest emotion, it's also based on pure-white-true-love. The kind that makes you feel innocent and clean and forgiven and hopeful.

Then Bella went and soiled up my pure feelings when she kissed me for a while and even got at my neck, the way we both like. Her knees were parting. I was leaning in closer. It was finally looking like the carnal reunion we deserved. But since the world is going to shit and apparently, my sex life is going with it, Alice was once again outside my door, talking.

"Oh my god, I'm going to shove her off a bridge," Bella muttered after releasing my skin from her teeth.

"Oh my god, I'm going to help you," I said loudly, offering my hand to Bella so she could hop down from the counter.

I opened the bathroom door. This time Alice B. had crossed the threshold into my bedroom with Emmett, who now had a blunt tucked behind his ear and was sipping from a hurricane glass filled with something frozen and blended, a pineapple wedge with at least five tacky cocktail swords sticking out of it on the rim.

"Someone is knocking downstairs," Alice informed us with her arms crossed.

"Alice," I began, inhaling through my nose deeply to shove my impatience down. "I know you took etiquette courses at Forks Country Day Academy when we were pre-pubescent. Therefore, I know that you know damned well what to do when someone comes a-calling at a residence."

"Hey, Muscles McCarty," Bella called to Emmett. "Are you scared of burglars in this gated community, or something? Go answer the door!"

"Ease back, bruh," Emmett said, chucking his chin at Bella. "This is serious."

"Excuse us, you horny heathens," Alice spat, one hand on her hip, the other pointing between me and Bella. "Your step-mommy had a supper of Xanax and Cucumber Fizzes before promptly passing out. We don't expect to see her until Wednesday."

I pointed a finger and twirled my wrist in the air, annoyed and urging her to continue.

Alice huffed before speaking in what I supposed was an "isn't it obvious?" kind of way. "Just before your father left, he threatened bodily harm if we let anyone else enter his fortress of disinfection, and you know he's watching through the Ring for visitors, so if you could hold off getting your dick wet for five minutes and be the one to answer the door since I'm assuming he probably won't kick the heir apparent for the Cullen surgery legacy out, we'd appreciate it. Thanks."

"Seriously," Emmett said to Alice, slipping the blunt out from behind his ear. "These two need to grow up."

I snatched the blunt from his fingers before he could get it to his lips.

"You grow up," I snapped back, pointing his pot at him before slipping it behind my own ear. I was letting him shelter in my home. He owed me.

Bella checked Alice's shoulder as we marched past them.

"Horny makes you both hostile," Emmett called after us.

Me and Bella-a sexually frustrated team, partners-in-crime, a fierce and determined duo- marched down the hall, down one flight of stairs, through the sitting parlor (where Tanya was facedown on a chaise lounge), and into the foyer where we threw open the great, heavy doors, prepared to take the head off of whomever dared to interrupt us.

And there he was.

Greasy-headed, wretched, and with a five o'clock shadow, he had a couple worn duffle bags at his feet and reeked of the unmistakable stench of a good gin, freshly poured. He looked tired but not as much as he looked coy. He also looked well-traveled but more than that, he looked like he belonged here. Home.

He grinned at the sight of me and Bella. Shit, I almost smiled, too.

"Well?" I prompted, my eyebrows sky-high to prevent the full-on grin that threatened to spread across my face.

Jasper dropped another bag onto the couple near his feet and sighed. He reached into the worn corduroy jacket that I'm almost positive he found at the bottom of some thrift store rejection pile and pulled out a flask. He unscrewed the cap, took a deep pull, then pointed it at me. When I reached for it, he swung his arm and to the side where Bella snatched it and winked at me before taking a deep pull of her own.

Shaking my head, I turned back to the best dickhead I've ever known. He was looking at me with those puppy dog eyes of his.

"Gimme shelter?"

The End. For real this time probably

Hi, if anyone is still out there. Come say hello to us somewhere! Yes, we're still writing, and yes, we're still completely obsessed with each other. Some things will never change.

Take care of yourselves, and take care of each other.

And wash your damned hands!


jandco & wtvoc