Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
Warning: Language, uh...sexual content maybe? I don't know.
A/N: A random crackish story from me? How unexpected! The title is from a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song, because I am now officially too lazy to think of my own titles.
A Date With The Night
"Matt, take me out on a date." Mello demanded. Matt sighed.
"Can't we just stay in tonight?" He asked, slipping an arm around Mello's waist.
"You never take me out anymore! Do you only like me for my body?"
"What? No! It's just…I just…fine, let's go out." Matt gave in. How could he ever tell Mello that he hated going out in public with him? It wasn't Mello's fault that Matt was shy and preferred to blend in with a crowd and avoid attracting attention, which was impossible when he was with the blonde.
"And let's go to the movies and dinner."
"Fine." Matt said grudgingly. Mello smiled brightly and grabbed his hand to pull him up off the couch. Matt smiled back weakly. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe Mello would try to be less crazy than usual. But even then, everything about Mello seemed specifically designed to turn heads, from the way he looked and dressed to his confrontational attitude. Matt could only hope that he would tone the latter quality down while they were on their date.
Mello pulled him out to the car and they drove to the nearest movie theater. It was ridiculously crowded, but they got decent seats. The only problem was that the theater was sold out, so people had to sit right next to them. The movie was some silly romantic chick-flick.
Why did Mello like this sort of thing so much? It seemed out of character. The blonde was quite absorbed in the movie, but then the couple sitting next to him started talking. Mello hated people who talked at the movies. Matt could already feel the trouble brewing.
The couple was sitting so that the man was next to Mello. Matt could see the annoyance growing on Mello's face as the strangers had a whole conversation about something unrelated to the movie, not even bothering to whisper.
Finally, Mello turned to the man and tapped him on the shoulder. Uh oh, Matt thought. Here was that confrontation thing again.
But instead of telling the man off, Mello grabbed his face with both hands and attacked with his face, kissing him deeply and sloppily. The man shoved him away and gave him a horrified, offended look.
Matt was wearing a similar expression himself at the sight of Mello kissing some random dude who wasn't even attractive.
"What the fuck?" The man said, and his girlfriend looked to be nonverbally seconding the question.
"I'm sorry, did my tongue interrupt your conversation, sir?" Mello asked in a ridiculously polite voice. The man just stared at him with a rather stupid expression.
"You kissed me!" The man finally spat out in confusion.
"Yes, yes I did. You're welcome." Mello said with a calm, saintly smile and nod, and then he turned back to the movie.
Matt gave the frightened man an apologetic look and a shrug behind Mello's back, but the man and woman got up and left the theater anyway. A few minutes later, a very muscular security officer came and tapped Mello on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, sir? I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"No thank you." Mello replied, keeping his eyes on the movie screen.
"I mean it, don't make me use force!" The officer said, but he obviously really wanted to use force. Movie theater security guards don't get to use force very often, and he seemed like he'd had a boring day.
"Do it, I dare you! I paid to see this movie and I'm not leaving!" Mello shouted. Everyone in the theater was watching them now. Matt covered his face in embarrassment as the security guard actually picked Mello up and slung him over his shoulder.
Mello started screaming bloody murder like a four-year-old throwing a tantrum as he was carried away, and Matt reluctantly got up to follow him.
"You can't do this! You can't do this! Put me down! Raaape! Aaaaah!" Mello shrieked. Matt shook his head and stared at the floor to avoid the amused stares of everyone in the theater.
Mello always got in trouble like this. The security guard brought Mello outside and dropped him on the ground. Mello lost his balance and landed flat on his ass. Matt stifled a laugh. Mello laid down on his back and began flailing about theatrically, beating his fists on the ground.
"Attica! Attica!" He screamed. The security guard rolled his eyes and shook his head and went back inside. Matt sighed and held out his hand to help Mello up. The blonde abruptly stopped screaming and calmly allowed Matt to pull him to his feet.
"God, Mello…could you be any more obnoxious?" Matt asked wearily, pulling his goggles up to rub at his eyes.
"It's not my fault I'm surrounded by assholes all the time." Mello said.
"Well, can we just go home now?" Matt pleaded.
"No! You have to take me to dinner. You promised!"
"I did no such thing!" Matt said.
"How about ice cream instead?" Mello suggested. Matt was about to refuse, but then Mello pouted, and Matt, being pathetic, could not refuse anything to a pouting Mello. He sighed again.
"Fine, let's go." He consented. Mello beamed. They walked hand-in-hand to a little ice cream parlor nearby, and Matt soon started to forget how annoying Mello was.
When they got there, there were two other couples and one group of rowdy, slightly drunk teenage girls sitting at tables inside. Matt wondered why the teenagers hadn't gotten arrested or anything yet as he walked to the counter. Why would they go out drunk in public?
He quickly ordered a cone with one scoop of cookie dough ice cream and went to pay the person at the cash register. As he paid, Mello began asking for taste samples. This particular establishment had a wide variety of chocolaty flavors.
A line grew behind Mello while he tried all of them. Matt hid his face with his free hand as Mello asked for his fifteenth taste, causing all of the people waiting to groan. Oh yeah, that's right, Mello's annoying, he remembered. Finally, Mello got ready to order.
"Okay, I want a cone with chocolate fudge brownie, chocolate chocolate chip, and caramel chocolate." He said.
"I'm sorry, we can't make cones with more than two scoops." The ice cream scooper dude said.
"Yes you can." Mello said.
"Uh…no, we can't." The dude responded with confusion, clearly not used to people questioning his ice cream authority.
"Make my damn ice cream!" Mello screeched. The employee went from confusion to anger at this point.
"No! We don't do that!" He said. They were causing quite a scene; everyone in the shop was watching them. Then Mello grabbed the zipper on the front of his vest and began pulling it down slowly. Matt blushed. Dear god, what was he doing now? The employee looked confused again.
"What are you doing?" He asked helplessly as the blonde completely shed the vest and threw it on the counter.
"Nothing." The now topless Mello said as he began to unbutton his pants. The ice cream scooper looked rather horrified at this point, as did everyone else in the place except for the drunken girls, who were whistling and cheering him on. Mello had grabbed the zipper of his pants when the employee gave in out of pure confusion.
"Okay! Okay, I'll make you your ice cream!" And he did. Mello put his vest back on, took his ridiculous ice cream cone, and went to sit across from Matt at a little table near the teenagers, acting perfectly innocent all the while.
Everyone was staring at them now. Matt tried to hide his face behind his ice cream, but soon the patrons of the parlor lost interest in them, and he was able to talk to Mello.
"What the hell was that?"
"It's an old Soviet interrogation technique. I read about it in a Solzhenitsyn book." Mello replied casually. Matt sighed.
"I should sell the movie rights for my story to Lifetime. 'My Boyfriend, the Sexual Terrorist' has a nice ring to it." Matt said.
"Oh, you're no fun. It got me what I wanted, didn't I?" Mello replied. Matt noticed that some of the drunk girls were still staring at them, and he began to feel uncomfortable.
"Can we go finish these outside or something?" Matt asked. Mello shrugged and got up. As they walked to the door, one of the drunk girls stood up and grabbed Matt by the shoulders, shaking him a bit.
"You two are hot. You should fuck him in the ass." She told him in the sort of voice that people use when giving directions to tourists. Matt nodded slowly and she let him go. He ran to the door, dragging Mello outside.
"She's right, you know." Mello said when they were out in the fresh air again. Matt smiled a little half-smile and gave Mello a look.
"Perhaps. You want to go home?" He asked.
"Yeah, I think so." Mello said in a lofty tone.
"I think we're out of condoms." Matt remembered aloud. Mello made an exasperated noise.
"We can stop at the store on the way home. I need to get some chocolate anyway."
"Okay." Matt said. And so they got in the car and drove to the grocery store that was on their way home. Mello decided to wait in the car while Matt went in. The store wasn't very crowded at that time of night, so Matt was able to quickly grab the condoms and chocolate they needed and go to the register.
The cashier was a teenage boy, and therefore immature enough to laugh when he saw what Matt was buying. Matt rolled his eyes as he paid. He hated people. He wished that he and Mello could be the only people in the world, besides the people who made video games and other essential commodities.
"Good luck." The cashier said cheekily as he handed Matt his bag. Matt scowled at him and started toward the exit, but then Mello came in.
"What's the matter?" Matt asked.
"Oh, I just wanted to make sure you got the right kind." Mello answered. The cashier, who was watching them for lack of anything better to do, raised his eyebrows.
"I got the kind you always get." Matt said, pulling a bar of chocolate out of the bag to show him, making sure that it would also be visible to the cashier, lest he think they were having a conversation about the condom types they used out in public. Mello ruined that charade, though, by saying loudly,
"No, I mean the condoms." He reached into the bag and pulled them out to look at. "I guess these'll work, but I prefer those other ones we used at the airport that one time." Mello continued.
Matt's cheeks grew steadily darker as Mello talked. He glanced at the cashier, who was giving them a look not unlike that of the ice cream scooper and the man at the theater. Did Mello do this on purpose?
"They didn't have any of those." Matt muttered, humiliated.
"Oh, okay." Mello said, apparently not noticing Matt's discomfort. He grabbed Matt's hand and dragged him out of the store. They got in the car and began to drive home in an uncomfortable silence as Matt subtly fumed.
The road wound through a forest along the way, and Matt kept his eyes on it, thinking about how much he was justified in hating dates with Mello. In his peripheral vision, he noticed the blonde staring at him from the passenger seat.
"What?" He said irritably.
"Are you mad about something?" Mello asked.
"Yeah, I am." Matt replied, but he didn't continue. Mello blinked and continued to stare at him.
"…Uh, what are you mad about?"
"If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."
"Oh my God." Mello groaned, rolling his eyes and turning away from Matt to look out the window. They fell silent for a minute, not looking at each other.
"Fine, I'll tell you. Why do you always have to be so obnoxious when we go out?" Matt finally said.
"Why do you always have to be so boring when we go out?" Mello retorted.
"I am not boring, I'm just behaving like a normal, civilized person!"
"My point exactly." Mello said huffily, crossing his arms. Matt blinked.
"I just want to be left alone and not attract attention in public."
"No you don't. You want everyone you meet to approve of you."
"What? That- that's so-"
"Matt, could you turn right here please?" Mello suddenly said in a very different voice from the one he'd been using, as if he were switching personalities. They were still in the woods, and Mello was pointing to a little dirt road that led to an old abandoned campsite, which nobody ever used anymore.
"Uh, what for?"
"Just do it." Mello said. For some reason Matt obeyed, even though he was still rather angry at Mello. They drove down the bumpy dirt road in the dark, and it was kind of scary actually.
"Why are we going this way?" Matt asked again.
"Park right here." Mello said. Matt did, and when the car was in park, he turned to Mello. Mello leaned over Matt and pulled the lever that made his seat lean back.
"Mello, what-" He was cut off when Mello was suddenly on top of him, kissing him roughly and slipping a hand up his shirt. For a moment he forgot he was angry with Mello, but then he remembered and flipped them over so that he was lying on top of the blonde, pinning him down against the seat by his arms.
"Hang on, I'm still mad at you!" Matt said. Mello pouted and Matt had to look away, lest he give in to his own pathetic lameness.
"Do we really have to have this argument? I not going to change my personality just because it annoys you!" Mello said. Matt blinked. That kind of made sense.
"Uh…okay then. Sorry." Matt said sheepishly, feeling rather guilty for making it so obvious that he found his boyfriend annoying.
"Now that we've got that settled…" Mello said as he unzipped his vest, undressing for the second time that night. Matt found it less horrifying this time. And when he thought about it, he didn't mind Mello's impulsiveness so much. After all, no matter how hellish their dates were, they always ended well.
A/N: Huh. Maybe Matt does only like Mello for his body. Nah. I didn't mean for that to end up as the moral of the story! XD Not that any of my stories have morals. I don't know what I'm saying. Oh well.
Review! All the cool kids are doing it!