My Life Sucks
Entry One: December 7th, 2008
DAD: "Cait, we have exciting news for you!"
ME: "Really? We're moving to Hawaii?"
MOM: "No, sweetie. We're buying a cruise ship!"
That, my friends, is how I ended up on a cruise ship called the Anne-Margret in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with a bunch of strangers wearing very questionable choices in outer wear (i.e., plaid shorts, Hawaiian shirts).
If you want the honest truth, I was actually really excited about getting on the Anne-Margret at first. My older sister and I would be home-schooled, which meant no more sexist public school (why girls can't join the football team as starting quarterback is something I will NEVER understand) – just the Pacific Ocean, blue skies, and a cute boy occasionally.
I WAS WRONG.
Way wrong. Major wrongness occurred.
The Anne-Margret is something like 9847675967 years old. The skies are blue – yes – but most of my day is spent inside, in my sister and I's quarters, listening to our 5,000 year old tutor try to teach me about Shakespeare, Algebra, and the structure of mitochondria and my sister about some other crap that we will never use AGAIN.
My parents must have been hopped up on something – I don't want to say crack, but I definitely want to say CRACK! – when they hired this lady.
Oh yes, and the only cute boy I've seen in a span of three months is a skater guy named Alek, and he came with his evil girlfriend Lindsey with an E. No, really, that's how she introduced herself. "Hi, my name's Lindsey with an E!"
After spending about five minutes listening to her bash virtually everything on the ship, I had a new name for her – Witch with a B.
So you can see why I've obviously considered, many, many times, jumping off of the ship and just putting myself out of my misery.
My sister, Celeste, just loooooves being on this ship.
"OMG, Cait, like, OMG, like, how you can you, like, NOT LOOOOOVE, being on this ship! Like OMG, IT'S SO PRETTY! Aah, OMG, srsly."
Alright, those weren't her exact words, but close enough. There were a lot of "OMGs" and "likes" in the sentence, that's what I remember.
I think even sexist, unfair public school would be more fun. I mean, to think we moved just as guys were starting to look at me as more than the weird feminist girl who spends way too much time on her laptop...
That's the one good thing about living on a cruise ship. I get a lot of opportunities to show off my rockin' producing skills!
After my tutor (her name is Mrs. Kelly, but Celeste and I call her Dragon) goes back to her room, I go up to Celeste and I's room and for the rest of the night, I sit, and I make remixes. And I think about my best friend, Mitchie Torres, and what she's doing (I should give her a call, but we get like NO reception on the boat). And I think about how when I'm older I'm going to be part of the ten percent of producers in the music biz that are actually female.
Mostly I just think about...ahh, even though I HATE it, I mostly think about this boy.
Okay, I do NOT get crushes. No really, I never get crushes. And the moment I saw this boy it was like we were the only two people in the room, and it was so crazy.
See, three or four years ago, this crush wouldn't haven't been a problem. I mean, at the time, this boy was just another kid with a dream at a little place called Camp Rock. Like me.
I had the biggest crush on him. Seriously, I used to stare at him during classes.
Give me a break, I was eleven! My self-restraint was very minimal!
And once in a while I used to catch him staring at me, too, but we didn't ever say anything. Because first of all, I was friends with Tess Tyler that summer and being the total witch that she is, she told me that this boy was a stupid loser who couldn't sing for crap.
Hahahahaha, joke's on Tess, because now the boy is a huge rockstar.
Anyway, yeah. Nothing happened, and by the next summer, him and his brothers had been "discovered" and that was that.
See, I never thought I'd see the guy again, which was good, because he being around him wrecked serious hell on my sanity.
Until this summer.
After Final Jam we hit it off again, when he came back to Camp Rock for a little while this summer, and we held hands, and now I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Seriously, kids, don't hold hands with a boy until marriage. It's safer to wait.
Or use protection and wear wool gloves. Holding hands is NOT. SAFE.
I can't even imagine what kissing must be like.
Tonight at dinner, Celeste threatened that SHE would give me my first kiss if I didn't find a boyfriend soon...
"Mom, are we docking the boat for Christmas?"
The conversation started out quite innocently, with me asking my parents a simple question.
"No, we're spending Christmas on here. Pass the salad, please," my mom replied nonchalantly as I handed her the bowl of Caesar salad.
"Dad, Mom, you can't be serious. I want to see Mitchie really badly, and the only way I can do that is if you let me get off this God forsaken ship," I insisted.
"No, Cai, you just want to go to Mitchie's house so you can see Nate there," Celeste said.
I really wish that someone would Super Glue her mouth shut.
"First of all, Celeste, no one asked you and second, I actually want to see my best friend," I rolled my eyes.
"Like, whatever, Cai! You're so desperate for your first kiss, and all you talk about in your sleep is that Nate kid macking on you."
"Girls, please, stop," Dad sighed, rubbing his temples.
"No, like Cai is how old – fifteen – and she's waiting for one guy guy, and it's just like – God. Srsly, I will give Caitlyn her first kiss if it makes her shut up," Celeste said, authoritatively spearing a piece of lasagna.
Random fact: "Celeste" sounds like "incest".
"Just because I don't whore myself out to every guy I see doesn't mean I couldn't get kissed!" I replied hotly...and that was pretty much the last straw.
"Caitlyn Jo!" Mom cried, but Celeste had basically started Hurricane Caitlyn.
"No, Mom! I'm sick and tired of Celeste always making snarky comments about me! All I frickin' want is to see my best friend at Christmas – what the HELL is wrong with that?! IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL! God!"
My nostrils flared and my eyes narrowed, and I probably looked pretty unattractive at the moment, but who cares about being pretty when you're trying to make a point (other than Celeste, of course, who wore a halter dress and her stacked corkies for a job interview at Dairy Queen)?
Mom's eyes bugged.
Dad looked thoughtful.
"Alright, Caits. You can go see Mitchie and her family over Christmas break for a couple weeks..." Dad began.
"Really?" I brightened, eyes widening again.
"But you have to spend more time with Celeste when you get back," Dad finished.
I looked over at Celeste, who was giving me her signature pout, and sighed.
"Good! E-mail Mitchie and we'll set something up. Now eat your meal," Dad grinned.
And I was pretty happy to know that I'd be spending Christmas with Mitchie.
When it hit me that I have to spend time with Incest.
Entry Two: December 8th, 2008
Copy of Mitchie's e-mail to me:
Subject: Re: Guess what?
Oh my gosh, I'm so happy you're getting off that ship! :) My dad and mom said it was totally cool if you stayed with us for a week or two.
The only thing is that my cousin Landon is staying with us while his parents are in Aruba, but he'll most likely be out a lot. He thinks my parents are totally lame (can you tell my eyes are rolling?).
Oh, and Shane and Nate and Jason and their mom and dad are coming, but you and Nate are like best friends, so I figured you wouldn't mind if Shane and I went off for a little bit. To talk, I mean, because I know what you're thinking right now, and I don't mean to do THAT.
(: E-mail me with the rest of the deets.
Mitchie's crazy. Not really, I'm crazier than her. Seriously, I'm off-the-wall crazy. I eat unwashed fruit. I know, pretty insane.
But yeah, my entire day was spent badgering my parents for more information, to which they always responded with: "Not now, Caits, wait until tonight."
You see, my parents never specified what time tonight, because Calvin and Christie Gellar like being annoyingly vague.
For example, I asked when we were getting the puppy they'd promised me and my sister.
My dad said, "Soon."
But it's been three years and I still haven't received said puppy.
(Although, in this case, I think "Soon" meant, "In your effing dreams, kid.")
Okay, so I JUST asked and apparently I don't get to get off the Hell Express – er, Anne-Marget – until the fourteenth.
And that's another six days! (insert wail of agony here)
That was honestly the biggest buzz kill.
Six more days with Incest and Dragon and my insane, vague parents.
But I get two weeks – two glorious weeks. :D I'm not a big emoticon smiley kind of girl, but that was definitely an emoticon moment.
Alright, my heartrate is kind of accelerating right now, so I'm going to tell you a little more about Incest.
Her full name is Celeste Antoinette Gellar. She gets the classy name, while I get Caitlyn Jo, which most of my relatives shorten to Caity Jo, and that honestly sounds like some bad rip-off of Billie Jean.
She's seventeen, two years older than me, but she acts like/dresses like/wishes she was twenty-one.
We look a lot alike, but she dresses like a total hooker.
She loves Hannah Montana, Jesse McCartney, and shopping and make-up and...blechh. Her and Tess Tyler (who is also a complete whoremonger) would get along perfect, because not only do they like the same things, but they ACT the same.
And she always has to one-up me!
When I go to Camp Rock, she goes to New York City with my aunt and spends the entire summer in a penthouse buying clothes, going to the hottest concerts, and having flings with random guy sluts.
I love going to Camp Rock, but...ugh.
And she got to pick out the decor for our room.
So now our room is a bunch of pink crap, not green like I wanted.
Oh. My. God.
Since I'm going to Mitchie's for Christmas, Incest gets to go to Paris with my aunt for Spring Break.
She better sleeping with one eye open and a knife under her pillow, because I know where she sleeps at night.
Katie Says: (: So what's the verdict? This is my second chaptered fic, and I'm REALLY excited about it, because...yeah. I don't know. (x
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me what you think. I'd really appreciate feedback for this particular fic. Pictures of the cast will be available on my profile, in case you're interested. :3
Oh, and as always, review with more than "so funny/cute," "i loved it," or "update soon" because if you review with that stuff Katie Lynn will pull her hair out, and no one wants that. :D