A/N: I am aware that there are several rule duplicates. This is because people sometimes send me in suggestions I've already got and I just paste them to the end. This is a completely enormous list, which one day I might get round to tidying up, but for now I just don't have the time, sorry!
Additional A/N: It's come to my attention that people might just be reading this part of the fic! Please remember there are fifteen chapters of actual storytelling before the list! Read and review!
The ones I have used are written in Bold Italics.
Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts
1. I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colours indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell "Owned!"
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentals in training".
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazghul is coincidental.
36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. "42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.s.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. I will not go to meals dressed as Choda Boy.
52. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.
53. I will not draw an "H" on Percy Weasley's forehead.
54. My name is not Captain Subtext.
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".
56. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".
57. I cannot Hadoken anything into oblivion.
58. Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda.
59. I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes Professor.
60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
61. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the
result would be.
62. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled "Firewhiskey".
63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
65. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal post-box.
67. I will stop referring to Hufflepuff's as "cannon fodder".
68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
69. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
70. Novelty or holiday themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.
72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I
will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!".
73. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".
74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.
75. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".
78. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
79. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
80. I will not use Slytherin first years as Christmas decorations.
81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It Does
DEATH!" may be correct but it is not the manner in which one should
83. I am not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
84. I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.
85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for and indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
86. I will not attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.
87. A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.
88. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
89. I will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.
90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".
92. When being interrogated by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my
hand and announce "These are not the droids you are looking for".
93. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
96. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what
97. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
100. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
101. I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
102. I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.
103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
104. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.
105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they are real animals.
106. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
107. I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.
108. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
109. I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to
see if he will become visible wearing it and standing near the fire in
the common room.
110. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell.
111. I will not yell "Believe it… or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.
112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
114. There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.
116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
117. Voldemort is not Ganandorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
118. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.
119. I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.
120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".
121. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.
122. "Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
123. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
124. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
125. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor.
126. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.
127. I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.
128. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.
130. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!" every time I Apparate.
131. I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
133. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
134. I will not teach the first years to play "The Penis Game" in the Great Hall during dinner.
135. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
136. I will not organize a Hogwarts Fight Club.
137. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
138. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
139. I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want.
140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.
141. I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
142. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
143. I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
144. The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
145. It is not necessary to yell "Burn!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
146. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
147. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!"
148. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
149. I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged
him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni" from various directions.
150. Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any house points.
151. I will not teach the front doors to recognise Filch and not let him in.
152. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.
153. I am not allowed to tell first years that there is a playground in the forbidden forest.
154. Giving Professor Snape a ton tongue toffee is unacceptable.
155. Singing 'pop goes the weasel' when Professor Dumbledore is giving a speech is not permitted.
156. I will not introduce Slytherins to 'my pet dog Fluffy,' no matter how tempting it is.
157. Shouting 'How COULD you betray me like that?' whenever Snape removes house points is forbidden.
158. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape's store and add some to the teacher's morning tea.
159. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his 'happy place'
160. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is 'Petrificus Totalus' and must be said with their wands pointed at themselves.
161. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.
162. I am not allowed to dress up like Neville's grandmother when going to a Halloween party in Snape's dungeon.
163. The forbidden forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and acromantula, not because there is a secret cave with the answers to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.
164. A bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
165. I will not tie-dye all of the owls.
166. I will not shave Mrs. Norris
167. The house elves are not there to do my homework
168. There is no bring a muggle to school day
169. I must stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student
170. I must not throw Mrs Norris out windows
171. Telling Draco Malfoy to 'Make like a ferret and bounce' is always a bad idea.
172. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.
173. I must not throw Hermione's Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.
174. I must not leave shampoo on Professor Snape's desk with directions on how to use it.
175. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.
176. I will not take a hippogriff to the Summer Olympics to get an unfair advantage at the Equestrian competitions
177. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer
178. The proper way to report to my Teacher is "Yes, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"
179. A hug is not all Snape needs
180. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, "There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you."
181. I will not tell Snape he is emo/goth just because he likes wearing black.
182. Harry Potter is not my 'Protection Shield' to carry around to ward off evil.
183. I will not introduce Peeves to IM.
184. I will not introduce Snape to IM.
185. I will not tell McGonagall that she is bad luck because she can turn into a cat.
186. I will not introduce Peeves to a T.V.
187. I will not tell Filch that he needs to bathe once in a while.
188. I won't sign my homework as 'Snaperdoodle'
189. When answering questions in Snape's class, I won't finish my sentences saying: 'dear Snaperdoodle'.
190. I will not hand out slips of papers asking students to answer the following question: Do you think Snape is evil?
191. I will not make a 'Too sexy for my shirt' slideshow full of Snape pictures and show it during all of my classes.
192. I will not tell the first years, who are waiting to be sorted, that in order to be sorted, you must confess your deepest secrets aloud while wearing the hat.
193. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.
194. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong.
195. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain
members of the faculty
196. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
197. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
198. I will not attempt to set up a satellite dish on the Astronomy Tower
199. There is no Interpretive Dance course offered at Hogwarts, and I should stop
signing up for it every year.
200. Yes, the Great Hall is extremely large, but Quidditch is an outside sport.
201. I will not demonstrate how to juggle using two Bludgers and the Snitch
202. I will not enter the great Hall running and yelling "We're gonna Die" each time Snape comes to a meal.
203. I will not make farm animal noises in the back of Care for Magical creatures
204. I will not tell first years that divination is their 5th sense
205. Looking after a virtual pet is not a way to gain extra marks in care for magical creatures.
206. In the annual battle between death eaters and Hogwarts I will not sing "99 death eaters alive in the war, 99 death eaters alive. You shoot a spell they hit the ground. 98 deaths eaters alive in the war" as we fight.
207. Harry does not wish to wear a tutu to lunch and I should not make him.
208. I will not put black circles over Harry's lenses and tell him he has gone blind. No matter how funny it could get.
209. I will not sing "ebony and Ivory" whenever I see Dean and Seamus together.
210. I will not tell first years Fang is a hell hound.
211. I will not post notices in common rooms saying that tomorrow is a theme day,
wear a costume. Even if it may be vegetable day.
212. "Another one bites the dust" is not a song to sing during Quidditch matches.
213. The first few lines of Mama by MCR is not the best song to be singing during first year sorting.
214. I will not tell students singing the fat Albert theme song is a way to gain extra points on potions
215. I will not laugh at Sirius if he changes his middle name to 'Lee'.
216. I will not laugh at Lupin's 'time of the month'.
217. I will not offer Crabbe and Goyle a cupcake with Veritaserum.
218. I will not make fun of Harry and his 'Potter Senses Tingling'.
219. I am not allowed to re-enact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the charms corridor
220. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
221. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
222. All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts
223. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
224. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.
225. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.
226. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom
227. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house
228. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
229. I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
230. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".
231. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
232. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.
233. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
234. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Snape's office door
235. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'
236. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable
237. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
238. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.
239. Yelling BOO! at Professor Moody is not wise.
240. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together
241. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.
242. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.
243. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
244. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
245. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.
246. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.
247. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
248. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.
249. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.
250. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
251. I am not allowed to predict the end of the world more than once.
252. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.
253. Regardless of the beautiful irony, I will not hang a tempting piñata from the Whomping Willow.
254. I will not attempt to graft a transplant from the Whomping Willow onto the Hogwarts Christmas Tree in Herbology class.
255. I will not try to make a new basilisk for the Chamber of Secrets
256. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".
257. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0″, is not a valid T-shirt slogan
258. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school-anthem!
259. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
260. Telling Umbridge cardigans are so 1994 will get you in trouble.
261. I must never tell Ron he looks like a puffer fish.
262. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room.
263. Putting fake spiders around Ron's bed isn't funny. Especially when he tries to jump out of the window.
264. It probably isn't smart to ask Draco Malfoy if his hair glows in the dark.
265. No matter how cool it sounds I will not release pixies into the school - it will just end badly.
266. I will not use muggle hair dye to dye Draco Malfoy's hair red.
267. It is not a good idea to charm the furniture in the potions classroom to be pink and fluffy.
268. I will not owl Voldemort a bottle of anti-depressants.
269. I will not make Snape an appointment with a muggle psychiatrist.
270. It is not a good idea to ask Snape if he is off his medication when he is angry. Or ever.
271. After using the hair dye on Malfoy, I will not attempt to claim him as the long missing Weasley brother.
272. I will not tell the first years that it is customary to dye their hair in their house colours for their first day of lessons.
273. A lightning bolt tattoo is NOT the 'Light Mark'.
274. Selling memorabilia with photographs of the 'ferret incident' is not allowed.
275. There is no annual 'Dress Like Dumbledore' day.
276. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
277. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
278. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.
279. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
280. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.
281. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
282. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth
283. Neville is not my valet.
284. There is no "open-mic night" at Hogwarts
285. It is not a good idea to give Malfoy a "love note" from Ginny and vice versa,
286. It is not a good idea to show the notes to Pansy Parkinson and Daphne Greengrass
287. It is a horrible idea to introduce "colour war" to Hogwarts with Slytherin as green, Hufflepuff as yellow, Gryffindor as red and Ravenclaw as blue.
288. On no circumstances can you introduce rabid fan girls to Harry potter.
289. You must not mix Ravenclaws with muggle geeks or Slytherins with popular people that are muggles. Or Blair Waldorf.
290. I am not to make a waterfall in the astronomy tower so I can surf down after class.
291. I am not allowed to change the Slytherin banner in the Great Hall to a pink and blue banner with a teddy bear on it.
292. Easter in Hogwarts is not to be celebrated by releasing hordes of pink rabbits and making the first years chase them.
293. I am not God.
294. Professor Dumbledore is not God.
295. Despite being near-omniscient, Professor McGonagall is not God.
296. Neither is Harry Potter.
297. I am not the founder of a new religion, in which Snape is the devil and Weasleys are the chosen people and are to lead the followers to the light.
298. I cannot make the followers of Weasleyity have red hair and freckles.
299. The Thriller is not the school dance.
300. I may not borrow an extra wand and watch DRUMLINE too many times. The results are too unpredictable, and Professor Flitwick would like his nose back some day.
301. I will never ask Draco if he's ever "gotten in Crabbe or Goyle's pants." With or without his being a ferret.
302. Not only is it a bad idea to mix potions and nitro-glycerine together, it is also dangerous.
303. Sending insulting owls to the American ministry and signing 'Cornelius Fudge' at the end will not entitle you any laughs or sympathy.
304. Singing a song about Umbridge being a 'censored' may be funny, but it is insulting.
305. It is not the best idea to hand in nitro-glycerine and call it your potions homework. We told you it was dangerous already.
306. It is inappropriate to send Binns an invitation to his own memorial service.
307. I will not transfigure good-looking students of the opposite sex's clothing into skimpy swimwear. Nor to any of the teachers.
308. I will not hex the Slytherin's benches to fly around the great hall while they are eating.
309. Changing the slips that are passed out at the end of term to say, 'Practising magic during the holidays is encouraged, please try to hex at least five muggles' is immature and a really bad idea.
310. Just because it was funny to have the school do the Time Warp, I will not teach them how to do the Soulja Boy dance.
311. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
312. Throwing Mrs. Norris at the Whomping Willow is not nice.
313. Disappearus little brotherus is not a REAL spell.
314. I must not ask Voldemort why he looks like Michael Jackson.
315. Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.
316. I will not ask Snape "when was the last time you took a bath?"
317. I will not feed Mrs. Norris to Fluffy.
318. I will not ask Sirius if he was neutered.
319. I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points.
320. I will not eat doxy droppings for a bet.
321. Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act crazy/act like a human mirror is not funny.
322. The fat lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.
323. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.
324. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of insect repellent
325. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.
326. I will not use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on any food items at mealtimes.
327. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
328. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West, therefore she will not melt if water is poured on her, and I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
329. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
330. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
331. I will not tell non-Muggle students that the reason the metric system is all in tens is because muggles can't count higher than that.
332. Modifying the old "pail of water over the door" trick to "pail of bubotuber pus over the door" is really frowned upon.
333. When asked to demonstrate "Muggle technology" by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.
334. I will not re-enact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
335. I will not write all my DADA essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
336. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout 'Long live Lord Voldemort' because I think it's funny.
337. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
338. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.
349. Neville is not my valet.
350. No part of the school uniform is edible.
351. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
352. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.
353. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
354. I will not arrange for us to jump out of a massive cake at our impromptu birthday party for Professor Snape.
355. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by Professor Trelawney, tapping an hourglass and looking at her impatiently.
356. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
357. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
358. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable."
359. I will not ask the Room Of Requirement to turn into "Snape's Bathroom.".
360. I will not change all the house passwords to the titles of muggle science fiction films.
361. I will not give Voldemort a replica of the Lord of the Rings ring and insist that it will help him rule the world when I put a curse on it that turns him into a girl.
362. I will not, under any circumstances, bewitch Professor McGonagall's mouth to play classical music every time she tries to talk.
363. Just because they are not Unforgivable curses, the use of curse words is still punishable.
364. It Is Not Acceptable To Make Parodies Of A Professor's Name...
365. Coming up with a fake disease and telling first years they have it is not a good idea.
366. You are not allowed to make your own video game featuring Snape, Umbridge, Percy, Voldemort, and other real people as bosses. You are also not allowed to make Harry Potter the main character.
367. Bribing several girls to attack Snape and wash his hair is a terrible waste of money. It is even worse when you tell him that he now has 'girl-approved hair' in detention, thus referencing the muggle shampoo commercial.
368. I am not to slip Polyjuice potion to as many people as possible to make them look like me 'purely for the humour.'
369. I am not allowed to cause mass hysteria among the first years by freaking out when the ghosts show up.
370. I will not yell "Someone get Beowulf, Grendel's broken in!" when I see Umbridge.
371. I will not tell Umbridge that it is not Halloween, though her Medusa interpretation is perfect.
372. I will not have the First Years re-enact the battle of Culloden in History of Magic.
373. I will not give Peeves itching powder.
374. I will not attempt to exorcise Professor Binns.
375. I will not try to breed a thestral and a Grim.
376. I will not use magic to cause students to become their costumes on Halloween.
377. I will not accuse the Minister of being a Death Eater.
378. I will not put Polyjuice Potion in Professor Trelawney's tea, especially with hair from Sirius Black's Animagus form.
379. I will not enchant a stag to attack Professor Snape, claiming it is James Potter resurrected.
380. Installing muggle fans in Divination class because I claim the AC isn't working is not acceptable.
381. I can not enter the Hufflepuff common room by attempting to shove keys in the entranceway.
382. Claiming my printer was not working is not a valid excuse for a late DADA essay, and it really kinda pisses Moody off.
383. Replacing McGonagall's pumpkin juice with diet coke, while amusing, makes her snort it out of her nose. Detentions aren't quite as amusing.
384. She also does not like Root beer.
385. I should not refer to Flitwick as Sergeant Pepper, even if after waking up from a spell-gone-wrong he does look rather rainbow-like.
386. I will not mess up everyone's schedules.
387. I will not put Professor Flitwick on a Christmas tree and claim I thought he was a decoration because of his size.
388. I am not allowed to turn the Gryffindors invisible and tell the first years: "THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU NEXT!"
389. I am not the Headmaster, and am not allowed to sit in the Headmaster's seat.
390. I will not ask Voldemort where his nose went.
391. I will not change the password to the Slytherin dorms to 'Long Live Harry Potter'.
392. I will not demand that Trelawney be given a muggle drug test.
393. I will never, under any circumstances, share this list with Peeves.
394. I will not sneak Hagrid's latest "pets" into Umbridge's classroom.
395. I will not slip sleeping potions into my professor's drinks.
396. Just because Hogwarts learned the Time Warp and the Soulja Boy dance, it does not mean that I can "Teach Them How to Dougie."
397. It is not funny in any way, shape, or form to suggest to one Dolores Umbridge that she should look for her true love's kiss to turn back into a prince.
398. It is not appropriate to bring a paper fortune teller to Divination.
399. I will never tell Professor Trelawney that she ought to use a brush once in a while.
400. I will not tell first years that their wardrobes are portals to Narnia.
401. I will not use Crookshanks as bait for "Fluffy Fishing"
402. I will not make random "snake sounds" at Harry Potter in the hopes of accidentally saying something he can understand
403. Addressing Professor McGonagall as "kitten" is a very, VERY bad idea.
404. Asking Madame Prince if she is a "naughty librarian" is simply inappropriate.
405. I will not make "That's what she said" jokes during class, no matter how perfect the opportunity.
406. I will not place shrinking charms on the skirts of the female students
407. Giving Professor Trelawney a muggle snow globe and claiming that it is a crystal ball is NOT funny...especially when she rambles on to the rest of the staff about the "Impending Attack of the Talking Snowmen Wearing Top Hats
408. I will not enchant hundreds of chocolate frogs in the school and call them Umbridge's children.
409. I will not sell muggle pens to students for a profit; no matter how much neater they are to write with.
410. I will not bribe the house elves the put love potion into all the cups except Harry Potter's to see how Harry would deal with it.
411. I will not charm the Great Hall doors to shout 'You will not pass!' every time someone tries to get in. Even if Professor Dumbledore thinks it's funny. We would like to eat, you know.
412. I am not allowed to enchant the ceiling in the great hall to rain vomit down.
413. The Gryffindor House motto is not, nor will it ever be 'Leeroy Jenkins'. Telling Muggleborn first years this to watch them embarrass themselves is wrong.
414. Telling gullible students that Dumbledore is just a temporary Headmaster until Chuck Norris comes back is not funny.
415. I am not allowed to teach the entire school the song 'Abracadabra' for the purpose of bursting into a routine during dinner.
416. There is no such thing as 'The Hogwarts Naked Mile'.
417. The Disillusionment Charm is not to be referred to as 'Going Predator', nor is it to be used to watch horny students going at it.
418. Inferi are not zombies, and I am not to go looking for them for the purpose of reenacting movies or games such as Resident Evil and Left 4 Dead.
419. You are not "FIRIN' YOUR LAZER" whenever you cast a spell.
420. For the last time, Snape is NOT Batman!
421. I am not allowed to sing "Ding Fries are done" whenever I Apparate.
422. I will not sing the Ghostbusters theme in History of Magic
423. Flesh eating slug repellent is not a plaything
424. Claiming to be Lord Voldemort's lovechild is not on
425. Bludgers are not toys
426. First year quidditch lessons are not 'target practice'
427. Saying 'loreal - cause you're worth it' while flicking my hair is not appropriate in Snape's classes
428. I am not a living statue
429. Professor Flitwick will not perform tricks for money
430. Peeves is not a teacher and as such should not be able to get into the staff room
431. I will not swap the pages from 'magic most horrible' with 'The Standard Book Of Spells, grade 1'
432. Asking Snape about 'Voldy' is not on
433. It is not funny to shout 'shark' while Professor Quirrel is around
434. It is not funny to shout 'Voldemort!' while Harry Potter is around
435. It is not clever to tell Professor Quirrell to keep his hair on
436. Professor Dumbledore is not a weirdy beardy
437. Asking Umbridge when it's due is inadvisable
438. First years and house elves are not legal tender
439. Faking a bomb scare on Platform 9 3/4 is never funny
440. It is not big or clever to transfigure oneself into Sirius Black on the day of the Minister's visit
441. Wearing a tee shirt saying 'bigger than Black' is not funny
442. Wearing a tee shirt saying 'Pettigrew is a prick', while being in essence true, and amusing, is not within the uniform regulations
443. Starting a flash mob on the quidditch pitch is not a good idea
444. I shall not put up wanted posters with Harry's face on them
445. I shall not tell first years that Quirrell is on day release
446. The potions dungeon is not a hair salon
447. I will not swap Professor Macgonagall's depilatory cream for Professor Lockhart's hair growth cream
448. I will not tell first years that pumpkin juice is the Draught of Living Death
449. House elves are not the instruments of Satan and will not call their master if spun around six hundred and sixty six times
450. 'Hail Satan 666' is not an appropriate comment to write on Educational Decrees
451. Adding peroxide to Snape's shampoo is not big or clever
452. It is not my job to redistribute confiscated items
453. I will not practice Communism at Hogwarts; as such it is unacceptable to reallocate Professor Snape's office as lodgings for the proletariat
454. The kazoo is not an appropriate instrument to play in the school hymn
455. I will not attempt to join the headless hunt
456. I am not Lord Voldemort
457. I will not ask Lord Voldemort if Darth Vader is his father
458. I will not sign Malfoy up for voluntary service with muggles
459. Melons are not to be used for bludger practice in the Great Hall or anywhere else for that matter
460. Umbridge's office is not an outpost of Battersea Dogs' Home
461. Making Hermione's hair into an afro is extremely inadvisable; as is then asking her to sing Bob Marley
462. I am not the heir of Slytherin
463. It is unacceptable to teach First Years to sing the 'like a boss' song whenever they are asked a question
464. 'Lady Gaga day' has never been and will never be in the school calendar
465. I will not psychoanalyse Voldemort or Snape
466. I will not tell Voldemort to take a chill pill if I value my life
467. Shouting 'constant vigilance' at first years as a warning before hexing them is not acceptable
468. I will not attempt to market my Potions' work as lubricant
469. I will not attempt to make Viagra in potions
470. I will not ask Harry what happened to Edward
471. I will not ask Harry why he doesn't glitter
472. Starting my own religious sect dedicated to Dumbledore's beard is not acceptable, mainly as the beard is not a sentient creature, whatever the headmaster may say
473. Telling Nearly Headless Nick that he needs his head screwing on tighter is insensitive and immature
474. I will not claim that all reality does not exist, including my homework, because quantum physics is not a legitimate excuse.
475. When McGonagall is in her Animagus form, no matter how tempting it is, I will not put a charm on her to lock her in her Animagus form.
476. I am not allowed to parade around as a centaur.
477. I will not try to make the Wild Ford Anglia mate with magical cars to populate the Forbidden Forest with their progeny.
478. I cannot claim that I do not need to take my Astronomy test by saying I've got a friend in NASA who told me about Mars.
479. I am not allowed to uproot the Whomping Willow and attempt to pass it off as the Hogwarts Christmas tree.
480. I will not refer to Hagrid as the BFG, even if I think he secretly likes it.
481. Dressing up as the Grinch and stealing the Hogwarts Christmas trees and the Slytherin's presents is not, in any sense, amusing.
482. I will not attempt to convince Professor Snape and Harry Potter they are father and son in ANY WAY.
483. I am strictly forbidden to attempt to fake Schizophrenia.
484. I will not attempt to blame my latest pranks on being possessed by the Heir of Slytherin.
485. Following Professor Snape around wearing wigs and false noses to look like him is NOT a good idea.
486. I am not allowed to make bombs out of Diet Coke and Mentos, nor am I allowed to teach Peeves how to.
487. I will not tell first years Snape is a really nice guy who's just having family troubles, nor will I suggest they try to cheer him up.
488. I will not insist that Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore are dating.
489. It is frowned upon to send howlers to students, pretending to be their parents.
490. I will not claim to have lost my memory and re-break several pre-broken rules.
491. I am not allowed to declare every day 'Gryffindor Spirit Day' and charm everyone's clothes to Gryffindor colours.
492. I am not allowed to create a Harry Potter cheering squad.
493. I am not allowed to change my name to Albus Dumbledore.