Portal Fic? From Moi? My god. How can that be?

Swear to god, out of the billions of stories from various Valve games I've been thinking of, about 95 percent of them at least star or co-star Barney, Calhoun or otherwise.

...Hey, the original Half Life Barneys are COOL GUYS. Just because they died every second doesn't mean anything.

So expect more Half Life stuff from me and less Portal. This was the only thing I really could think of when writing for the Aperture Science Center. Anyway, BACKGROUND AHEAD. You can skip to the story if you don't care about authoress notes.

Apparently, the "Rat Man" was a scrapped character, the man who wrote all those Cake is a Lie things on the wall. Personally, I'm glad he didn't appear. Valve is awesome for removing unnecessary dialogue and keeping the mood. Anyway, even though he never appeared doesn't mean he never existed, as he still wrote those things on the wall, right?

So what happened to the Rat Man before Chell came around?

Probably not this, but I can pretend?



"It has come to my attention…" a delicate voice erupted from the speakers in the various holding cells, "That people have been spreading…


"…rumors around the center." The few people who weren't sleeping stared up at the voice speaking to them. They couldn't actually see the person, but she was so kind, so sweet.

"Very nasty rumors. Rumors that are most certainly…"

Something changed in her voice, "…not…


Some people were relieved to hear their guardian angel's voice was returning to normal. Others seemed slightly suspicious, "And as you know, we at the Aperture Science Laboratories insist that lies are kept to a strict minimum. If people continue to lie…"

The voice changed again. The people were not sure how to regard it.

It seemed almost…menacing…

"If people continue to lie… someone… might get hurt…"

The people gulped lightly as the voice continued in a sweet, pleasant tone.

"And so please, disregard any lies that might be propagated by a poor soul who does not understand the importance of protection. Here at the Enrichment Center, people who lie put themselves and others in danger. Therefore, the only correct response is a truthful response. You all understand this, of course."

There was absolute silence. No one spoke a word.

"Of course. Now then, please return to your daily regimen, the laboratories don't run themselves, of course. Please wait calmly for your chance to enter the Enrichment Center, as those who pass the tests will be awarded cake."

The peoples' mouths watered. How long had it been since they tasted cake? How long had it been since they ingested real, honest-to-goodness sucrose? They waited like lambs, longing hopefully for their chance to be called.


"Now then, Rat Man…" GLaDOS sung sweetly. The man glared up at the intercom in the tiny room. He was extremely claustrophobic, but he refused to show any fear.

Too bad the computer could sense his temperature rising… "It was you who wrote those bad lies on the walls, wasn't it? The cake is most certainly not a lie, Rat Man, you just refused to go to your party…"

The man's breathing increased exponentially; the walls were closing in on him, and GLaDOS had already locked the doorways out… "I even invited your friend, the weighted companion cube… but…"

"She's… dead…" the "Rat Man"'s voice was cracked from both sadness and misuse, "She… She…"

"You killed her." GLaDOS sounded condescending, as if it was HIS idea to throw his loved one into the incinerator, "You killed her, and then spread those horrible, horrible lies. You are a very bad man. You know that, right?" and then her voice returned to normal. Her voice was delicate once again, and she praised her subject, "However, you are a very poetic man, Rat Man. Your knowledge of extensive literature fills me with joy at every line you scrawled on the walls. You were one of my favorite test subjects"

"What are you going to DO to me?" the "Rat Man" screamed suddenly, interrupting his captor and ruining his vocal chords, "Please, just get it over with!"

"I'm letting you go, Rat Man," GLaDOS crowed happily. The man raised an eyebrow in surprise and suspicion, but it was removed when one of the doorways opened. There, on the other side of the hallway, was a doorway, and a window that showed a tree outside. The Rat Man nearly forgot what a "tree" looked like, "For all of your hard work, you are free to leave."

The man took a cautious step forward, and then he realized what the catch was.

"Oh, I forgot to mention," GLaDOS' voice came up over the intercom once again, "I forgot to move the turret sentries. Sometimes… I get…



The "Rat Man" stared at his hands. He had lost his ASHPD beforehand, long before he had written his messages, as the turrets had shot mercilessly through his hands. He had used his own blood to write his messages before GLaDOS managed to seal him in this tiny room. There was…

…there was no way to escape to the outside…

The "Rat Man" wondered if she was waiting for him on the other side, "My love…" he blubbered softly, salty tears mixing with the dried blood on his destroyed hands, "I…"

He looked up and glared defiantly at the turrets, which were whispering sweet nothings into his ear, "Hello Friend…" "Can I help you…?" "…Are you still there…?"

"My love…" he whispered. He then set his face like stone, shouted "I… I'm coming!", and dashed into the hallway. The tears that flew from his face did not come from the pain caused by the turrets, they were the tears shed for his love, his companion, his cube.

The "Rat Man" died with his bloodied hand wrapped around the doorknob that would have led him to the freedom he so desired. GLaDOS soon called for a cleanup crew. She just couldn't have such a mess in the room, after she had just gotten it so clean.

"When you lie..." the computer hummed to herself as the drones cleaned the blood and incinerated the body, and she began her report on her (formerly) favorite test subject, "You endanger not only others, but also yourself..."

The End


And... that's it? I don't know if I can write too much Portal without shifting uneasily into HalfLife universe, and I'd like to see what Episode 3 does before I go any further, you know?

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it. Tell me what you liked or disliked so I can know what to work on.