Characters: Table-kun, Nina

Genre: crack. Is the pairing not obvious enough?

Summary: Read on if you think you can match Table-kun's despair.

Author's Notes: In a sense, this is a sequel to The Maid Sees Some in spirit, although not in chronology. If you've read that one too, I guess there's a very pressing question on your mind. The answer: yes, yes I do find unnatural sex to be a topic of comedy. What of it? Because really, between 4chan, American media, and kinky yaoi…What do you expect?

The Melancholy of Table-kun


(Zoku) Sayonara Zetsubou-Table-kun

Lelouch lost nearly his whole family. His best friend betrayed him. His Black Knights betrayed him. And now, his sister betrays him. He is a man alone in this world, this world that hates him and yet he is trying to save.

Suzaku lost his mind. He killed his father, killed his nation. Hated by all, he tried desperately to atone for his sins to no avail.

C. C. lost her will to live. An eternity of boredom, an eternity of suffering, an eternity of evil. However she may try, she cannot find the peace she so desires.

But none, none can match the despair of a lonely piece of furniture, who innocently and idly sat in a quiet, dark room of Ashford Academy.

But he is innocent no more.

For Table-kun has lost his virginity. He has lost it to that-- that-- thing whose name must not be spoken, lest it summons her to commit unspeakable deeds.

Perhaps that dark room was his undoing. Yes, he should never have sat there. There, in the lair of a terrible monster. More terrible than Cerberus. More terrible than Satan. More terrible than Michael Jackson. Yes... That monster was a table molester.

That blonde girl should never have ordered those two boys (one with noodly appendages and the other barely memorable) to place him here, in this room. And yet, he would not blame her, or any of them. They knew not the terror of the devil residing in that room.

It frightens him to speak of her name, she-who-must-not-be-named. Yet, he must. Because that is much too long a name to be calling her by, and it is too much of an effort to come up with synonyms of monster (just because the thesaurus was on him didn't mean he could actually read through it).

Her name... Her name... Is Nina Einstein. Originally, Table-kun had liked the name Nina (especially if she was a tsundere surnamed Wong) and had respected the great afro-scientist Einstein, but now... Those forbidden words send shivers down his wood, and his carved legs tremble in fear.

It happened one fateful, fateful afternoon (and not the good type of fateful, like when you meet a sexy mahogany chair whose legs seductively brush up against yours). It was a dark, cloudy day, with a thunderstorm just looming over the horizon.

Nina came in. He never liked her in the first place, because she refused to get her books the hell off of him and go play tag with her friends or something. Besides, she was an ugly nerd (and not the type who are so ugly and nerdy that they're sort of cute).

But, oh, back then... He never knew how much he could hate and fear someone.

She came in with a book without turning on the lights. He should've known then and there. He should've run, should've cried for help, should've begged the almighty quantum particles to create a black hole in front of him. But, oh God, anything but that "black hole."

But he was so naive and innocent then. He knew not the horrors that could be committed. He was a child, a child following a trail of white chocolate straight into Michael Jackson. And yes, MJ did happen to be the only creepy psycho child molester he was aware of. But he digressed.

She placed the book on top of him and started staring at pictures of a girl and making all manners of odd, gasping noises. It was a pretty girl, to be sure, but a girl and a picture of one, nonetheless. Table-kun began to grow wary, wishing for once in his life that he was a human, that his legs were good for more than just standing and looking pretty damn sexy (because unlike humans, his legs were smooth and oh-so-well proportioned, not like those humans with chunky thighs).

Having been in this Area for a while now, Table-kun had a rudimentary understanding of how everyone on those islands was a creepy pervert with Lolita fetishes (they called it complex, but he didn't see what was so complex about it. They were fucked up beyond belief; simple as that). And yet, that knowledge did not brace him for what came next at all.

She…she…She just… She violated him, like how Suzaku violates the laws of physics every day and how Code Geass raeps all reason and logic (breaking the fourth wall? You guys know the author would never do that). It was the most disgusting of acts; she raped him while jacking off to a picture of a little girl. A very pretty little girl, but an innocent and chaste little girl who probably disintegrated into thin air the moment she was associated with such vile acts.

He would never forget that moment. Never in his life. Although that might be due in part to the fact that his therapist wouldn't stop fucking asking him about it. Contrary to popular scientific opinion; no, reliving it does not make it go away.

He remembers every vivid detail. The way she gripped his edge, so harshly and painfully. But no pain, no torture could compare to that moment… That moment when she neared his corner and…and…did it.

The feeling of the…liquid on his corner, slowly sliding down his leg still remains with him (why the hell did God make that stuff so viscous?). Fortunately enough, he has since had that corner amputated by a student participating in Milly's "Build-A-Table Workshop" contest. Apparently, the contest had caused a nation-wide shortage of wood with the way Milly threw around the other council members' first kisses. Joke was on that table, though. That would teach the jerk to amputate him (not that he wasn't grateful at the same time).

To his relief, the maid walked in before Nina could decide she wanted another round (and God, that poor innocent little girl in the picture, who was forever soiled by association). Quickly, Nina flipped her skirt down, apparently having hidden her underwear somewhere from sight.

And to his horror, she got away with the heinous act, and went on to live life however she pleased, quite happily and without regret of her actions.

But Table-kun? Table-kun was never the same.

Because Table-kun…is in despair. Despair over this terrible world in which table-rapists live and where ninja-maids will not apprehend the aforementioned table-rapists. Oh yes, he is in despair.