My Dearest, Darling B e l l a.
A Twilight FanFiction
by Becky Scarlett-Cullen
My dearest, darling Bella,
Firstly, my love, I must apologise. A thousand times, a million times over. If I was not damned before, then I certainly am now, for causing distress to an angel such as you.
Please, know that my intentions were only ever to keep you safe. I am a good liar; I have to be. I cannot begin to imagine what I was thinking, at the time. It was insanity, utter falsehood. I could never live without you, my love, and now… well, now it is too late. I fear I have lost you forever.
Not that I do not deserve it. I never was worthy of you, I know that. You are perfect, perfect in every way imaginable. Do you remember that day, in the restaurant? No—before that, even. When I held you in my arms for the first time, after Crowley almost crushed you, knowing that you fit there. That you—an angel-- was destined for me. It was a far greater privilege than I could ever have dreamed.
It was so cruel of me, to lie to you in that way. But, after the thousands of times I told you that I loved you, I did not imagine how easy it would be to convince you otherwise. I had thought that I would have to lie to you for hours. That dead look n your beautiful eyes will haunt me forever. It caused my dead heart to shatter, and I will never forgive myself.
I love you, my darling. I would do anything to go back, and change things. If I could, I would. No matter the cost.
I watch you, while you sleep, though I dare not enter the room, as I once did. I hear your screams, and they cause my immortal body excruciating pain. I wish that I could reach you, hold you tightly to me, as if I had never left.
But I know that you are trying to move on. I understand. It is exactly what I intended you to do, though Jacob Black would not have been my first choice.
But your safety, your well-being, is far higher up the list of priorities than my own, selfish happiness. I will not endanger your life again, Bella. If you were killed then there would be no point in living myself. You have made far too great an impact on my existence to merely move on, as you believe I have.
Distractions were not enough. They never were, and they never will be.
I love you, my Bella, although you think otherwise. I always will, until I am killed, or you are. Perhaps we will be reunited in death. I will watch you, in heaven, from the darkest pits of Hell, and I shall be satisfied.
I read over the letter, written in a mere human second. If I had been human, then I would have broken before this. But, no… I already was broken. I had been broken since I left her, in that forest. The words, scrawled across the paper, did not encompass my feelings. How could so much self-loathing and regret be expressed in mere words? No.
The paper crumpled in my fists, and fell to the ground. It would never reach the one to whom it was written, just like hundreds of others. I closed my eyes, wishing that there was a distraction that could possibly, well… distract my inhuman mind. But no such thing existed. There was nothing in the world—human, or otherwise—that could possibly take my mind from her… her smile, her eyes, the way her lips felt against my cold ones, her intoxicating scent… It was too much, an impossible torture to withstand.
But withstand it I would. It was the least—the very least that I deserved.
I was truly a monster.
Alice Cullen found the letter, in a room at Tanya's house in Denali. Though it was generally a principle of hers not to read other people's correspondence, she found herself drawn to the insignificant, crumpled piece of paper. Edward had been staying there, and she recognised his handwriting.
Intrigued, she smoothed out the paper, and read the words.
With a gasp that hitched in her dead throat, Alice felt a sob build in her throat. She was glad that Edward was no longer there—her thoughts would have been an instant giveaway.
She had peeked, of course. She had seen Bella, in her half-dead, zombie-like monotony, that had been in place ever since Edward had left her, and she knew that he was killing her. Sooner or later, she would crack.
Edward had lied to his own family. This revelation brought on a gasp from Alice. He had somehow convinced them all that he had grown tired of Bella, and they had believed him, although they had been shocked. They had all seen the intensity of his love for her, whenever they were together—especially Jasper, who, in turn, had told Alice. They were not blind, or deaf. He had never stopped loving her, had only abandoned her for her own safety. So many things that had seemed irrational and stupid beforehand now made so much sense. It was just so… Edward.
Alice could let this go no further. Somehow, she would make Bella see that Edward still loved her. She would take this note to her almost-sister, sit her down and make her read it. Yes. Now that Alice had decided, her future was clear.
Edward and Bella would be back together, where they belonged. And maybe then, he would see sense and give her the change that she desired so.