A/N: This is nothing that I should be updating… but I couldn't get the idea out of my head. After last week's episode, "The Ex Files," I was upset with both Chuck and Blair. I guess you could call this punishment. Oh, I'm not jumping ship… just working out my frustrations. And, no, this isn't continued; it's just a one-shot that will not be continued. Title and lyrics are by the Carpenters.
WARNING: CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT. If you are offended by such content or too young to read it, please find another story to read. You've been warned.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl's Chuck and Blair, but I enjoy knocking sense into their stubborn heads.
Caught Between 'Goodbye' and 'I Love You'
It had been a long week for Blair; it was hard trying not to notice the way that Nelly, Is, and Penny were fawning over Serena. It was sickening how easy it'd been for them to follow the blonde, to switch allegiances like Blair had never been queen.
When Friday finally came and Blair was able to take a break from the changes in her world for the weekend, a break wasn't the thing she wanted...
She wanted Chuck Bass's head on a silver platter.
Though she wanted nothing more than to publicly humiliate him, an open confrontation was probably what he'd wanted. So she waited for the opportunity to catch him alone at the van der Bass home to face him.
When a call came from Serena asking Blair to join her somewhere, the loud noise in the background meant that Blair's invitation was last minute; the blonde had waited until arriving at the club before calling her. Blair easily feigned homework and fatigue to get out of her friend's last-ditch effort to include her.
Dressed in an unapproachable outfit, Blair exited her building and made her way over to the Bass penthouse.
It was simple enough to get in, the doorman knew her, and she wasn't the least bit discouraged when she found Chuck wasn't home. Sitting in the chair at his desk with her back to the door, doing her best to ignore the urge to go through everything that surrounded her, she waited patiently.
Even though it was a possibility that he'd bring a girl home with him when he finally arrived, it didn't matter; Blair was on a mission and no skanky one-night-stand would get in her way.
After an hour she finally heard Chuck and Eric's voices entering the penthouse. Still speaking to his step-brother, she heard Chuck open the bedroom door behind her.
She could tell the exact moment he noticed that his desk chair wasn't empty; he excused himself to Eric and shut the door.
A moment of silence went by before Chuck addressed her: "I had a feeling that I should be expecting you..."
Allowing the chair to turn slowly, she came to face him, her features schooled in an emotionless expression while she stared at him, unspeaking.
It was amazing how it was over between them, yet seeing this boy still affected her. He was the one that she couldn't get out of her head, the one who insisted on hurting her over and over again, and still the sight of him caused her heartbeat to race. Her heart's masochistic tendencies still managed to surprise her. Even though she was the angriest she'd ever been at him, in his uncharacteristically simple button down shirt and trousers, she couldn't deny that he still looked absolutely dynamite.
Just like dynamite, though, one spark and nothing would stop the brilliant explosion that would leave devastation in its wake.
Keeping her cool demeanor throughout her assessment, she stared, and waited until her silence made him uncomfortable enough to speak again.
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, "Blair, if you think that stalking me is intimidating, it's only fair that you know it's a turn on." It was possible that Blair was imagining it, but he seemed uncomfortable with her scrutiny.
Taking a silent deep breath, she put her elbows on the desk in front of her and joined her hands together, keeping eye contact as she did so; she spoke evenly, "I'm here to find out why."
He stared back at her, mockingly wide-eyed, and asked, "Really? I thought you were here to tear my head off."
There was no stopping the wry smirk that formed on her lips at his sarcasm, "Oh, I am... but I thought I'd give you the chance to explain yourself first." She tilted her head coyly, "Last words and all."
His attempted at stalling was apparent as he repeated her question; "You want to know why I made Serena queen again?"
She scoffed, "Well, nothing gets past you."
Chuck approached the desk she was leaning on and put his hands down on the edge, lowering his face towards hers. "Why do you think I did it, Blair?" A smirk mirroring hers lifted his lips, "Are you here because you don't know?"
Meeting his eyes to show him she wasn't allowing his closer position to affect her resolve, she stated: "I have my suspicions, but I wanted to get it straight from you."
Dropping his haughty act for a moment he sighed, "So, the Ice Queen is able to be benevolent."
Her hands tightened their grip on each other; "Ice Queen..." she hissed under her breath.
A chuckle escaped his lips, "Ah-ah, Blair, your facade is cracking; this is supposed to be as detached as possible, right?" He inched his face closer to hers, silently daring her to flinch back, "I bet your blood is boiling; that you want to slap me for taking away the position you think defines you."
Not giving an inch, she snapped, "That's not true." How dare he think he knows her? Everything he'd done to hurt her proved that he didn't deserve to know her, so she needed him to believe he didn't.
The truth was irrelevant at this point.
"It's not? Really? Do you really wanna know why I'd do this to you?" He cocked his head to the side, his face blank, "Maybe this time it wasn't all about you, maybe part of it was about Serena. Would that make it worse?" He stood up and took a few steps horizontal to the desk before looking back at her to continue, "Playing second fiddle to you only held her back from being who she really is... and she's family now." Arms crossed over his chest, he concluded, "I take care of mine."
Scoffing, she was outwardly unmoved, but inside she was seething; all he knew of his speech's effect was that it garnered a skeptical question: "You're trying to tell me that this wasn't in the least bit about revenge?"
His posture remained the same, gaze unwavering, "Taking you down was not the point; you were more like collateral damage."
Unable to control her rage anymore, she stood quickly, causing the chair to fly backward, "Don't you mean bonus, Chuck?!"
Speaking with a deliberate slowness, he reiterated, "A mere side effect, Blair; nothing more."
Slowly she brought her arms to wrap around her chest, sighing, "I don't believe you." She stared at the light switch on the wall next to his shoulder to avoid his gaze, "You knew this would hurt me, you've done it before... why should your motivations this time be any different?"
He leaned across the table slightly, causing her eyes to snap to his. Voice softened, he said, "Last time was unfortunate." The look on his face was unreadable, but it seemed that this was the only apology she'd get. Straightening his stance, he reasoned, "This time it was deliberate, calculated, under-handed... and if you hadn't been affected by it, you'd be congratulating me on my cunning." Grinning like the Cheshire cat, he concluded, "It came off without a hitch."
She feared her free hands would have struck his face, so she tightened her arms around her ribcage. He was still gloating over hurting her! It was hard to believe that she'd ever thought he'd cared about her, knowing he was capable of doing her such injury a second time, it was like she'd meant nothing to him.
That realization wasn't supposed to hurt; she was done caring for him. There was no other choice.
It was unnerving, the way that her voice cracked as she spat back vehemently, "You're such a jerk, Chuck!"
The difference between the satisfied smile that had been on his face and the darken sneer that it held now was like night and day; it was him avoiding her eyes this time. "I used to tell myself you didn't mean it when you say things like that, that it was the way you covered up what you really feel..." Hands found pockets again as he brought his vacant eyes to meet hers, "If the past few weeks taught me nothing else," his tone grew gravely and contrasted with the disregard that his face showed, "it's that I was just fooling myself. It's time to focus on my new family and forget."
After his voice dropped off, all Blair could do was stare into the emptiness behind his brown eyes; his openness had been shocking. Just when she thought he'd never cared he knocks her off-kilter; it took her a moment to ask softly, "Forget what?"
He chuckled mirthlessly, deadness to the tone; "That you put my heart through a paper shredder." It seemed that he suddenly remembered who he was talking to, because his demeanor became casual, "It's not like I ever used it before… and I won't miss it now that it's gone. Now, did you have a tirade prepared? If not, I'd really like to get to bed."
"No!" The vulnerability he'd displayed caused her hands to drop down to her sides, so they were free to slap down on the desk when he took a quick turn back to glib. "You do not get to dismiss me."
"Oh, good... there's still a show," he responded flippantly.
This wasn't supposed to be happening; vulnerability wasn't part of the charade she'd concocted for this battle. Again, his insensitive attitude struck her hard; it was getting difficult to speak around the tears she'd been fighting. "How can you treat me like this after what you've done to me?!"
Unsympathetic to her, he asked doubtfully, "What I've done to you?"
It was becoming impossible to remain impassive, so she dropped her strong front and wrapped her arms back around herself. "Yes, Chuck," she breathed deeply to keep her composure, "what you've done to me."
Scoffing, he rolled his eyes; "Is this still about Tuscany? If it is, please tell me where the fast-forward button is for this part of the lecture."
"Oh, you... asshole!" Incensed, she stomped her way around the desk to face him. "You're not the only one whose been..." letting her voice trail off, she thought better of telling him what he was so obviously not aware of. "Never mind; you don't deserve to know. You're not worthy of a single word I have to say on the subject. All you need to know is that I came over here because I didn't believe that even you would be so low as to take the only thing I had left and leave me with nothing."
Stepping closer to him, she glared at his surprised face, "You deliberately shifted power at school to the one person that you know I won't socially destroy to get it back." The fact that even Chuck was now choosing her best friend over her was probably the final betrayal that fueled her resolve to put him in his place. "If you think I'll ever forgive you for this, you are sadly mistaken. I can't take it anymore. Don't talk to me, don't look at me... don't even think about me because I'm out. I'm done; I'm walking out that door and forgetting your name."
As she eyed the door that he was blocking, he asked blankly, "What do you mean the only thing you had left?"
Ignoring the question, she breathed, "Goodbye, Chuck." There was no more trying to keep it concealed; the tears were in her voice and she despised that he would hear them. With all he'd done, he deserved to think she never cared.
Stomping her way toward the door, she pushed past him, but he still grabbed her wrist as he asked again: "What do you mean the only thing you had left?"
Without turning to face him she answered dully, "I found out that my gentleman of a boyfriend was cheating on me... with his Step-Mother. You gave my position as Queen Bee to my best friend, thereby robbing me of both. Then there's our constant hostility…" Sighing, she squeezed her eyes to stop the tears, "Well, that's done now; we've lost each other for good."
His grip on her wrist loosened and, while she couldn't see his face, she knew by his silence that he must be shocked. When her hand was no longer held captive by his, she exited his room and kept walking to find the elevator. The car wasn't anywhere near the penthouse floor, so Blair was stuck waiting outside the door.
Just when she decided to stab at the button again for good measure, she heard footsteps behind her. His breath stirred the hair covering her ear when he whispered, "How can I lose you when I never had you?"
Ignoring the broken tone of his voice she steeled herself against the goose-bumps forming on her neck. Gritting her teeth she replied, "For someone who's intelligent most times, you can be so stupid, Chuck."
He grabbed her arm and spun her around, asking forcefully, "What do you mean?!"
Her response was just as adamant: "I'm not going through this with you. Forget it. The only thing you need to remember is that this is goodbye." Breathing deeply she softened slightly at the sound of his quiet gasp, "I shouldn't have to explain it; there are some things that you have to figure out for yourself."
The brown eyes boring into hers were glassy and pleading; "I thought I'd already lost you; to him... to Marcus."
Averting her eyes from his to his arms hanging awkwardly at his sides caused a sense of loss to come over her; the ache in her chest for them to be wrapped around her was stifling. "If it was over, I wouldn't have knowingly kissed you the other night." Gulping to force air past the heart blocking her throat, she finished, "You didn't lose me until I lost my crown for the second time… at your hand." Her voice was cracking and it no longer mattered.
His hands went to reach for her, but thought better of it. When he insisted, "That doesn't make any sense, Blair," she met his desperate eyes again with a sigh.
"If you knew me at all, you'd realize I was forcing myself to like him." Wringing her hands together, she added, "I had to move past what you did to me."
This time he reached up and brushed his fingers along the side of her face; "Then why did you give in during the blackout?"
Jerking her head away from his touch, she asked morosely, "Isn't it obvious? Then again, nothing easy is obvious to you." She scoffed sarcastically, "You broke my heart, not showing up in Italy, Okay? Broke it. And even after all that you put me through…" Biting her lip, she fought the tears back unsuccessfully; a single drop fell down her cheek as she murmured, "It still beat for you."
"It doesn't anymore?" he asked, defeated.
Grinding her teeth together, she lied: "It'll learn to do without."
His face fell flat, "Blair..."
"No," she cut him off. There was no way she'd go back on her decision to cut him out of her life; she needed to survive.
Chuck continued anyway; "I didn't know about your break-up with Marcus..."
She raised an eyebrow skeptically as she asked, "Would it have stopped you?"
Opening his mouth, he seemed to fish for the words before admitting, "I don't know."
Blair rolled her eyes to hide the new wound, "Not good enough."
"Blair..." He grabbed her hands, face full of contrition as he choked out, "I'm sorry."
She stifled a sob, "For someone who never apologizes to anyone, 'Sorry' seems to be your new favorite word."
"I've needed it a lot, lately."
"I can't do this, Chuck." Shaking her head, she was now the one pleading, "Please, don't try to win me back. You've lost. Okay?" Gasping, she commanded herself sound strong, "You lost me."
The grip of his hands around hers tightened; "I don't believe I've lost you."
"What?!" She pulled their hands apart and sputtered "I can't make it any clearer, Chuck."
A half-hearted smirk crossed his lips, "Your eyes don't match your mouth."
"Keep away from my eyes and my mouth." Poking him in the chest quickly, she insisted, "Stay away from me. Period."
"It's a shame, really." He sighed disappointedly, "There's so much more to you than Queen B." Sad eyes flicked away before slamming back onto hers, "I was hoping to show you."
She took a few deep breaths to keep from smacking him across the face, trying to calm herself before shrieking, "You thought that after bragging to me about what you did, that I would forgive you?"
Warm hands came from nowhere to cup her face, his eyes daring her to pull away, "You have more going for you that Serena does. I thought if you had time to find yourself that you'd forgive me eventually."
Taking only a moment to revel in this last touch, the final one that she'd allow herself to enjoy from those hands, she closed her eyes. "What I am... is nothing," she whispered, opening her eyes and halting the tears they wished to spill. "And that is on your head."
Ending with that final thought, she walked backwards into the open elevator and pressed the button for the lobby, not even looking at him as the doors closed. She tried her best to hold back the tears threatening to escape and succeeded in taming them by the time the car opened on the ground floor.
Her phone signaled a text message and she opened it after climbing into the first cab to stop, giving directions to the driver. When she looked down at the screen glowing in the darkened cab, the two words caused her to burst into tears.
It was from Chuck and all it said was: "You're everything."
Pain slashed like a knife through her gut, sobs escaping loudly from her throat, while the taxi driver ignored her mercifully. She cried, mourning how her life should be and who should be in it; it seemed as if there would be no way to bounce back from this.
Blair typed her return text with shaky hands and there was only one word to answer him with: "Liar."
Chuck had sat there, staring at that one-word text message, numbed by the callousness with which she'd responded. The girl who'd admitted to him just minutes ago that she'd been lying to everyone, trying to force herself to love someone else, was calling him a liar.
Oh, this just will not do.
Sending another text, this one to his driver, he jumped on the elevator and raced to Blair's door. Once he'd entered the penthouse, he barely convinced Darota not to announce him before running up the stairs to her room.
It was empty, so closed the door behind him and waited, just like she'd waited for him earlier.
When he'd let her slip through his fingers.
This time, though, he wasn't backing down without a true fight. He was determined to make her see how impossible it was to stop this force pushing them together. There was no keeping him from touching her this time; he'd seen the way she'd been affected when he touched her earlier and he was going to use that.
It wasn't a fool-proof plan, but it would work; it had to.
Moments after he'd arrived, Blair appeared from the open bathroom door, walking half-way across the room before she noticed him. Eyeing him with disdain, she stated, "I told the guard that you weren't welcome here."
"Everyone has their price, Blair." He scoffed, "His was higher than normal… if that's any comfort." The night security manager had emptied his wallet, actually. But it was worth it; at least, it was going to be worth it.
Turning her face away from his, she sighed, "Go home, Chuck… and tell the guard to make new arrangements for employment on your way out."
He took three paces and her face snapped up to meet his stare; they were close enough to kiss. "I'm not going anywhere," he insisted, "Not anymore."
Taking a step backwards, Blair countered, "Yes, you are."
Relieved that she obviously needed space from him to feel in control, he walked closer and whispered huskily, "No."
Their little game came to an end when Blair found herself backed up against the bathroom door; her eyes were blazing with fury, "Get out of here, now,Chuck!"
With his mouth was inches from hers, he asked with mock-concern, "Why so angry, Blair?"
"Because I hate you," she sneered.
Just as he brushed his lips across hers, he whispered, "Liar."
Wrapping his arms around her, she put her hands on his chest, trying to shove him away. He kissed her again anyway. Closed, unyielding lips turned ravenous in only seconds and suddenly her hands were crushing his mouth against hers. The kiss turned painful and bruising…
And it was the most alive Chuck had felt in months.
Blair's fingers were tangled in his hair, pushing through knots, causing spikes of pain that only intensified the pleasure coursing through his veins. Their tongues were clashing deep inside each other's mouths, teeth were crashing together and all he could do was press her closer for more. The experience of kissing her had his head reeling: her taste more delicious, her mouth more skilled, and her hands stronger, more demanding than he'd remembered.
They were pressed together so tightly, devouring each other and struggling to get as close as possible. He let her set the pace; as anxious as he was to make her his again, there would be no pressuring her now that she'd given in. If she regretted this in the morning because he forced her, then he'd never be able to live with himself.
When her hands left his hair, grazed down his chest, and began unfastening his increasingly uncomfortable waistband, his hands slid under the skirt of her nightgown. Soon his pants and boxers were down on the floor with her panties. Her nightgown soon followed.
Mouths still fastened, he brought his right hand between her legs, slipping one finger inside her slick center; she was so wet that he could have come right then. Knowing he turned her on so much made his dick harder and her slender fingers brushing down his length had him on the verge of losing control.
Her lips left his and found his chest through the few buttons that she'd managed to get undone, when her hands gripped the shirt and pulled roughly, he knew they weren't going to make it to the bed.
Miss Blair Waldorf, the prim and proper society daughter, had just ripped his shirt open and sent the buttons flying.
His hands raked down across her naked hips, took a firm hold on her ass, and lifted her up against the wall. Pinning her there with one hand supporting her and the wall doing the rest of the work, he met her eyes before sliding his aching cock inside of her. Inch by inch, her body stretched around him and he watched in satisfaction as her eyes rolled back after he was completely buried inside her.
Pressing a few kisses to her jaw and mouth, he whispered against her lips, "Okay?"
All she gave in answer was to wrap her legs around his waist and press her lips to his.
He brought his hips back and plunged inside her quickly, causing her to gasp in surprise, but when he did it again, she moaned. The noises she was making as he picked up the pace of his thrusts guaranteed this to be quick and dirty; his control was rapidly slipping.
The faster he pounded her into the bathroom door, the more erratic his movements became. He returned her breathless kisses and groans of pleasure as he glided in and out of her, the walls of her sex gripping him tighter each time their hips met.
Slamming into her furiously, her cries grew in pitch until at last she came, crying out his name as she threw her head back against the wall. With a few more strokes he released himself, coming inside her with her name on his lips.
He held her against the door for a few moments; in the quiet he rested his mouth against her glistening collarbone, tasting her sweat slicked skin and leaving little bites across her skin.
When their breathing finally returned to a normal pace, he met her eyes and broke the silence. "Blair," he kissed her softly, "Can you walk?"
"Mmm-hmm," she whimpered and nodded against his mouth.
Pulling out of her, he lowered her to the floor and followed her path to the bed. Climbing in behind her, he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her shoulder.
She whispered, "Goodnight, Chuck."
With a few more kisses, he returned it: "Goodnight, Blair."
It wasn't long before she'd fallen asleep; her even breathing made soft sighing sounds in the dark. Chuck, was holding onto her as tight as he dared, wishing that the morning wouldn't come. Blair was unpredictable when things didn't go according to plan and he knew that giving into him wasn't on the 'To-Do' list.
She hadn't kicked him out and he decided to cling to that fact; she wanted him there for the moment. It was a small encouragement, but one none-the-less.
With plans on how to rebuff the morning arguments sure to come, he let himself drift off to sleep.
He didn't hear the quiet sobs as tears fell slowly down Blair's cheeks.
Rude awakenings often come in the morning… or at least that's been Chuck's experience. When he awoke to clothes thrown at him and the words "Get out," he wished that she'd kicked him out the night before.
At least then he wouldn't have gotten the wrong impression.
Sighing, he threw his legs over the side of the bed, pulled his boxers and pants on, and then slid his arms into the sleeves of his shirt. There was no sense trying to button the shirt since half the buttons were gone.
Turning to Blair, he took a few steps toward her, "Now, Blair…"
"There will be no distracting me this morning, Chuck, so don't waste your energy." Her hands were on her hips, any openness from the night before gone, and it was hard to tell she was the same girl. There was an impenetrable hardness to her face as she spat, again, "Get. OUT."
Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and approached her anyway, "Aren't we even going to talk about this?"
"There's nothing to talk about," she responded, her flat tone sounded hollow and robotic. "You got what you needed, so you can just go."
His eyebrows shot up in shock, "What?!"
"Just last week you were begging me to have sex with you, 'just once,' and now that you got what you were after," her arms crossed over her robe, "I'll expect you to put me out of your mind."
As her words sank in all he could say was, "No…" Everything was so wrong! How had she turned this around on him? "No, that was before…"
She cut him off, "Before what, Chuck?"
He searched her eyes, trying to find some semblance of weakness in their depths, but they were frozen solid. Knowing that there was no use, he still replied, "Before I realized that once will never be enough."
The very night he realized he wanted no one but her, and she was going its events as the reason for pushing him away. How poetic was that, huh?
With a condescending smile, she purred, "Well, isn't that just unfortunate; after last night, I have no other use for you. It seems all I needed was once more." A wicked smirk twisted her lips as she spoke with a clipped tone, "A quick fuck was all I needed to cleanse my system of whatever reason it wanted you." Wincing at her choice in wording, he felt the hope of turning this battle around dwindling.
She was adamant and decided… and no one changed Blair's mind.
He brought his hand up to brush her cheek, but she smacked it away without blinking; her tone was pitiless as she barked, "You have no power over me now, Chuck… Goodbye."
The cruelly beautiful girl that stood before him, the only one to ever make him feel, didn't even care that his heart was breaking in front of her. She stood there, staring him down without ceasing, sending him on his way out the door.
He was on his way out of her life before he could tell her that she was his life.
And he had no one to blame but himself.
After waiting for Chuck to walk out the door, she jumped up to make she he got onto the elevator. Once he had, she locked her bedroom and hastily ran to her bathroom to turn on the shower.
As steam filled the room, the tears began to fall again, as they had most of the night. He'd looked so broken that it'd hurt her to be so vicious in dismissing him. Sobs filled the moist air, most carrying a swear word or his name, and she finally entered the shower stall, she sunk to the floor.
Head buried in her hands, she came apart at the seams as the spray pounded her skin. She was disgusted at herself, both for letting him use her to get off and for not seeing the reason he'd followed her in the first place.
Of course he hadn't needed her the way that she did him; she felt ridiculous for not realizing his motives sooner.
She felt dirty and used and… sticky.
Their coupling the night before had been needy and rushed and passionate; they'd been so desperate to connect that neither had remembered protection. She'd ripped his shirt open, damn it!
So now here she sat, heartbroken and alone, wishing she hadn't had to bully him into leaving. If he was here right now…
She couldn't think of it, nothing good could come from it.
In fact, she was completely sure that only injury could ever come from her violent, unrequited love for Chuck Bass.
The proof was in between her legs; if she'd been strong enough to be convincing, then he would have stayed away and she wouldn't be finding herself in such a serious situation.
Now they may have no choice over how involved they are in each other's lives.
The fallout from the explosion could be catastrophic…
Only time would tell.
You're like a stranger, then you're a lover; never the same, always hard to believe
I'm caught between goodbye and I love you, never knowing quite where I stand
I'm caught between goodbye and I love you, falling both ways, nowhere to land
A/N: Well, there you have it. I know the open-ended-ness may aggravate, but this is where it naturally ended. I hope you'll forgive me… and let me know what you thought.