Edward's Dirty Little Secret

Fifty years can seem like an eternity even for an immortal. Especially if you are a clairvoyant virgin vampire living in a house with three highly sexualized couples who seem to fantasize all day and don't having anything to do except play at night. As the nature of their lifestyle leaves certain dissatisfaction in foodstuffs, they seek their release in other forms, such as fast cars, fashion, outdoor sports and sexual expression. Perhaps it is a way to make up for the memory of human experiences, or an indulgence in the hypersensitivity to certain senses, but sex is as necessary and ever present in the Cullen house as blood and poor Edward has had to live with a constant bombardment of the sex escapades for a very long time.

Is it any wonder that now, as he is beginning to explore sexual intimacy with Bella that he has become some what of a sex-crazy teenager, obsessed with all things he had previously feigned disinterest?

Much to the delight of his family, his fiancée as well, Edward has jumped into exploring the game of sex with delight and abandon; however he remains steadfastly governed by their vow to remain chaste until the wedding night to assure exploration short of actual intercourse; however, the boundaries of that vow are becoming blurred. This chastity clause only seems to heighten the thrill of chase and his frustration.

Alice bopped into the living room and threw herself into the deep leather couch, startling Bella and interrupting her concentrated focus. She was embarrassed to be caught reading a very interesting chapter of "The Historian" by Elizabeth Kostova, a bestselling novel which purported to offer a new twist on the modern vampire story. She meant no harm of course, although she suspected she would be teased for reading such stuff that was obviously false, but she justified it to herself by saying that if she was going to be out there in the world or living here among them, she needed to know what the pop culture had to say about her favorite species. Bella had been clandestinely sneaking the read as a guilty pleasure between wedding planning tasks. Obviously she thought she was alone in the house while the family was out to lunch. With Alice's surprise appearance she nonchalantly shoved into the pocket of her hoodie hoping she had avoided detection the ridicule she would no doubt suffer if her somewhat irreverent guilty pleasure was discovered.

Bella," Alice began confidently, a tone that always indicated trouble was ahead. " Rose and I have been talking and…," Rose was standing in the doorway, radiating unearthly beauty, but wearing a mischievous smile on her face.

"Yes, Alice?" Bella asked with innocence doused with light sarcasm. It seemed to Bella that whenever Alice announced she and her sister had been conferencing and the result of that meeting was a sit down with Bella, well, she knew they had been conferring about some human characteristic that needed remediation. She had no doubt this would be the case today.

"What is wrong with me today? My toes mismatched in size? My heals unnaturally scaled? Are my dimples asymmetric?"

"Well, gee, Bella, don't get all excited," she said defensively, sensing the tension that always preceded Bella's acquiescence to Alice's plans. "it's nothing…really bad."

Bella had recently begun to fear Alice's beauty treatments that apparently were 'vital' to the success of the wedding. Generally, pain and strange instruments were involved. Where once Bella physically cringed at Alice's use of the word 'shopping'; but now the word 'beauty' had her running for the door.

"Well, Rose and I were talking today, on this topic of human experiences…" Alice pretended to not hear the gasp of horror this statement elicited from the bride and prepared to plow on into her speech when she was interrupted.

"Man, is nothing sacred, Alice?" Bella huffed and growled as she crawled out of the couch and flopped into the chaise. "Come on, now." Her voice shifted into whining in another tactic of restraining the nosey exuberance of this pixie. Each moment that passed seem to increase her annoyance. "You have to learn to respect some boundaries here," she said, snapping her magazine pages just short of ripping them—a gesture she had recently stolen from Rose who engaged it regularly as a display of disagreement. With each page, Bella was gaining strength from her conviction that Edward and she should be afforded some privacy. "It's just not fair to be so invasive into private… things. Yuck!"

In the successful admonition of her nosey sister, Bella was feeling pleased with herself, until Alice clarified her intent. "I wasn't talking about you and Edward, Bella. I was talking about you and your human experiences." she said, rolling her eyes at the silly human presumptive bride and adopted a 'what am I going to do with you?" pose.

Chagrined, Bella replied, "Oh, I am sorry, Alice...I thought you mean…well, never mind..."

There was silence for a moment as the particulate of the argument settled out of sight. But the quiet was too much to bear for Alice's excitement.

"Don't you even want to know?" Alice wanted to burst with anticipation.

"Know what, Alice?" Bella said flatly, pretending to not recall the conversation they had just had.

"What we were thinking about…for gaining human experience…all for you?

"I am really sure I don't want to know, Alice.'

"Oh come on…" Her whine was like nails on a blackboard, a sound that is bothersome to the ear in hearing it as it is to the mind anticipating it.

"You see, that confirms it…your whining confirms I do not want to know..." Alice's reaction was completely predictable, as was Bella's response. This scene had been played out so many times, both women were on automatic pilot. One look at her face and Bella knew. "... but your pouting makes me know I don't have a choice do, I ?"

In the background, behind Alice's head, Rose signaled to confirm her suspicions…she had no choice. "Oh, sure; why not?" Bella snapped the magazine onto the table, straightened up, and opened the door for Alice's exuberance to flood through, "Alice, what did you have in mind?

Alice, thoroughly satisfied by the power her charms wielded over her human sister, she planted herself on the couch and announced her secret plan with gusto.

"Clubbing. You need to have the human experience of clubbing. Tonight." Her urgency and serious grimace implied a life-or-death situation.

"Clubbing?" Bella echoed, with a lilt of intrigue, "'…is that like another vampire sport…like baseball in a thunderstorm?" Alice looked puzzled.

Alice was thinking no doubt that Bella had been raised under a rock in a barn on the outskirts of a very small town and Bella was thinking he was surprised a vampire predator with precognition could be so gullible.

"Bella," she exclaimed, "you are not seriously going to tell me you don't know what clubbing is…?"

"Well, I have seen the underground scene in Blade, does that count, Rose?"

Bella succeeded in maintaining a straight face so Alice didn't recognize she was being teased. Rose was however more attuned to Bella's dry sense of humor and caught the ruse immediately. She winked at Bella, as if to acknowledge her joke, mouthing the words so Alice could not see, "good one!"

"Oh, I see…" Alice hissed, "it's a joke, right? You think your funny, now, is that it?"

"Alice, you have made it a life's work to remind me how funny I am—funny ears, toes, clothes, nose…" Alice frowned knowing she was absolutely right.

Even with new found confidence won in battle of wits, Bella, as always was quick to forgive. "Alice, I may be obtuse, awkward and disinclined, but I am not completely culturally retarded. I know clubbing."

"But I bet you have never been though, have you?" her hand, twirled around in circles and tried unnecessarily to finish the sentence for her.

"Well, no Alice as a matter of fact, I have not…but I am underage, you know…"

"Oh please," Rose mumbled to herself, "and there I actually thought you were doing such a good job…and you have to go play the 'I'll get carded" card. Boo-hiss! Foul!"

"Isabella, you won't get…what is that word," she searched the ceiling as if she would find in scrawled there. "oh, yes," she sneered with disgust finding it.

"You won't get carded."

"How do you know, Alice? That would be just my luck!" Bella smirked at the idea, "…what would it look like for the chief of Police's under age daughter to be found in a club…would you do that to Charlie…how could you, Alice. You know, sometimes I suspect he loves you more than me…"

Bella's acting skills had remarkable improved during the planning of her wedding, especially where curbing Alice's enthusiasm was concerned. But Alice was wise to this tactic.

"Charlie is dear to my heart and I would never do anything to hurt him, Bella. Don't even joke about such nonsense. It hurts my feelings." Alice's scowl was dark and serious. There are some loyalties that are not negotiable. "

"First, we are not staying in Forks…is there even a decent club here." Alice flipped her happy switch and actually yawned to illustrate her boredom.

"We are not even talking about Port Angels, where all those classmates of yours hide out with their fake IDs from Kinkos…" Rose moaned in emphasis of such obvious teen stupidity. Bella frowned at the insult that she had any friends in Forks who would stoop so low as Kinkos.

"Rose, I am insulted." Bella huffed, "none of my friends would make fake ids in Kinkos.. because everyone knows Staples had better color copiers."

Rose shook her head in admiration. Bella was improving and she was liking what she saw…it was going to be an interesting sharing eternity with the new and improved Bella Swan. But Alice was not about to share the floor with Rose; the subject was clubbing.

"What I am taking about lil' sista," Alice straddled Bella's lap and her voice growled a mini lap dance of the raw sexuality that lay hidden beneath pixie exterior. "What I am talking about…is a real nightclub where the music is hot and the drinks are cold…and the men are…" She hissed, searching for the word, "so very, very…" and she sighed, releasing it on a long, languorous breath…." …abundant."

"Alice, I am surprised at you!" she said, pushing her off. Bella's was more than slightly shocked that Alice would admit to looking at other men in a club or anywhere else for that matter. It offended her sensibilities. "What would Jasper think?"

"Smelling the wine, is not a promise to buy the bottle…and sampling, well that is just one tiny weensy …it's nothing! Don't you trust me?" Bella was not exactly sure how to respond to that one and pondered it. "Oh Bella," Alice squealed impatiently, "you have so very much to learn…and there is such little time…" Alice grabbed her by the wrist, wrenching her out of the sofa, twirled her around into her arms, and ran up the stairs to discuss the plan. As they made this cyclonic exit, Bella's contraband book fell out of her pocket.

Rosalie turned to follow them, but noticed Bella's book on the floor. In a flash she was laughing out loud as she read the cover:

A Phenomenal #1 Bestseller…she has refashioned the vampire myth into a compelling contemporary, late night page turner."

"Why does she read this… crap?" Rose had long marveled at Bella's inability to value the good qualities of a classic magazine which she had came to embrace as the ole source for reading material, pop culture trivia and beauty advice. In the scuffle with Alice, the ridiculed volume had spayed open on the floor and Rose bent down to retrieve it and felt compelled to read the open page:

In the ordinary lamplight from his desk he was suddenly gray, unshaven at the end of the day, with dark hollows draining the color and humor from his eyes. I leaned forward.

"What are you trying to tell me?"

Dracula", he paused. "Dracula—Vlad Tepes, is still alive."

"Oh, this is rich," she chuckled as she meandered up the stairs, speed reading the pages along the way up to Edward's room where she could tell from the sound of Bella's racing heart she was not happy about Alice's plans.

"Alice, if you must know," Bella huffed emphatically for the intrusion of her privacy, "the human experiment thing is not about me at all…it is about Edward and me sharing things. Going clubbing is not on the list that either of us had in mind."

"Oh, I see." Alice said with blind emotion. "well, I guess I will just have to send Edward a mind mail and tell him that you don't want to go…I think he will be very disappointed but,…well, what ever you think, Bella, is fine, he will learn to live with it in time, I am sure.."

"He wanted me to go…?"

"Well, he thought it was a good idea, I guess. He even—he left you a surprise. It's in his room."

"Oh,", she said, thinking that this is an entirely different matter all together. "You didn't say that…"

"Well, I didn't think it would have mattered, Bella?" Alice's acting was wearing a little thin, "I guess you only want to go if he said so, hmmm?"

"Not a very smart way to start married life, Bella, if you want my opinion." Rose muttered as she came into the room and stashed Bella's book out of sight.

"Well, I didn't say I didn't want to go, I just thought that he would not want me to..." Bella smirked with intuition. "Alice, are you trying to play me? Because if you are, you are done 'cause I am onto your game."

It was Alice's turn to be shocked and dismayed, laying hand on heart she cried out in pain, "Little sister Bride doll, would I do that to you?" Bella scowled at the performance and was not at all sure what to believe. Lately, Alice toyed with Bella often about her ability to broadcast information to Edward. It was a convenient means of manipulating Bella without her being aware of it consciously. Bella would do anything that Edward wanted, and so if it seemed that Edward would be disappointed in anything, no matter how heinous Bella suspected it would be, she would endure it, just for his pleasure.

Rose decided to intervene in the saccharin fest before she became sick with the sweetness of the environment. "Alice, just tell her the truth, for once, will you? Bella, this was all Edward's idea…that maybe you would enjoy…you, know, partying like a rock star just for one night…like a grand adventure…with the girls?"

Bella's mouth spoke before the thought was complete, "like a bachelorette party?" She was incredulous.

Rose jumped in with the plausible truth. "Bella, he wants to see if you like it because…" she indicated with her hands a reluctance to go forward, and then she switched courses, acting most conspiratorial, "I am not supposed to tell you this, but on your honeymoon, he wants to…"

"Rose! Don't you dare say another word," Alice snarled menacingly, "Or I swear by all that is cheesy you will lose a limb!"

"I was just trying to help her understand Alice" Rose whined condescending, ignoring her sister's outburst of over protection for the supposedly secret honeymoon plans. "I wasn't going to tell her anything specific,…you don't have to get all panty-twist-in-my-face-on-me, you maniacal lawn gnome."

Alice chimed in with her exuberant shriek, "OH and I can see it too, Bella, you, on the dance floor, with Edward and you are the couple everyone wants to be, in the middle of the whole thing, dancing so close, in the energy of the whole place buzzing, the sound rushing music…" Clearly, Alice was over the moon about the opportunity to take in some nightlife, but Bella was not moved and she was not sure that Edward would be interested either.

"Alice, I just thought she would want to know how much it means to Edward…it is out of character, but he is trying out so many new things these days…what will he want to do next?" Rose added a little too innocently.

"Okay, okay," Bella said, raising her hands up in the universal sign of surrender, "I've heard enough." She was resigned there was no way around any situation which was describe by Alice in that kind of detail. She was doomed and luckily, she knew it ahead of time…her only hope was in damage control.

"If Edward wants to go clubbing—then clubbing we will go…!"

"Great!" She exclaimed. "I got you some things…" She trembled with excitement as she presented the dress box.

"What a surprise!" Bella said contemptuously as she spastically worked the satin bow. "You are the only person I know who doesn't take a dress from the store on a hanger in a shopping bag."

"And I never will dear…I never will." Alice raked her hair affectionately, pleased with herself and her high standards of merchandise conveyance.

New clothes were always required for Alice's new experiences. However when she saw the dress, Bella wanted to apologize. The gown was a silk bustier strapless top, and a short, flirty skirt tulle crinoline underskirt in a dark eggplant purple-black tones melding perfectly into the deepest black imaginable. It was simply elegant and very, very Bella.

"Oh Alice," she exclaimed in delight, fawning over the box like it contained precious jewels.

"I knew you'd like it, "Alice murmured contentedly. She loved shopping for Bella, but she especially loved pleasing her with just the right thing to meet the dual challenge of being fashion forward and acceptable to Bella's eclectically simple tastes in clothes.

"No, really, Alice. I really like this." She squealed, holding the dress to her body, spinning like Cinderella on the way to the ball. "Thank you, so much. Oh, I can't wait to put it on…"

"There is one more thing…he left you a note. It's on the table." Alice pointed to the gaming table across the room. It was not a usual fixture but he obviously brought in for this presentation. A large box with a gold bow covered the entire table top. The girls waited for her to open the card which read:

Dearest Bella,

I think that one human experience that I cannot really share… the experience of social drinking.

There is a club that I really loved in a spot that I really want to take you and you can't really be walking around ordering Dr. Pepper, so I thought, perhaps, you might enjoy a sampling of the drinks that will be available at the club.

I want you to feel comfortable when we go out on our honeymoon to new and exotic places, perhaps. Try some drinks out here in sample sizes and see what you like, this way you won't have to worry about…well, trying too many things at the club…and suffering for it later….what I mean is…getting sick. As you say, "Yuck!"

Don't worry, Alice and Rose will help you figure it out. Enjoy! And have fun at the club.

Just for fun for my fav rock star party girls, I am sending a limo over to pick you up at 8pm--get you to Seattle just as the party starts getting interesting! Enjoy!

All my love forever,


Rose lifted the large lid off the table top to expose a full size bar; glasses, liquor bottles, cut fruit, even a blender and ice machine were included. "Wow!" Bella squealed as they meandered through the many bar toys displayed before them, smelling the bottles, and eating the cherries. "He thought of everything…didn't he?"

"Oh, you have no idea…" Rose muttered quietly, narrowly escaping Alice's elbow jab to silence her.

WHATEVER COULD EDDIE"S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET BE...CERTAINLY ALL YOU VAMPIRES OUT THERE CAN"T BE GULLIBLE ENOUGH TO BELIEVE IT HAS ANYTHING REMOTELY TO DO WITH CLUBBING OR DRINKING...but you will have to keep reading to see...and well, this time there is a prize for guessing...don't even have to get it on the head...the most interesting answer wins...but you gotta review to play...go on, get creative, you know you want to...what kind of dirty secret could be harboring in a sex starved teen virgin...vampire?