Title: The Pidgies and the Combees
Author: Stormy1x2 (travelingstorm)
Rating: PG13 for The Talk
Warnings: mentions of yaoi, slash (established Gary/Ash), talks of a sexual nature in a clinical tone.
Notes: Leona is from D&P:BD episode 11
Summary: Brock takes on the role of the Father Figure and intends to make sure Ash knows about the facts of life.
In retrospect, really, Ash knew he should have expected something like this.
Telling your friends about your sexual orientation is a bit of a shock. Telling them the boy you happen to be trying this new lifestyle out with is one of your rivals is another one. He had expected shouts, questions, maybe even a few disappointed or angry looks, depending on how they took the situation. But this was something else.
For example, he hadn't expected Dawn's squeal of excitement. The minute the name 'Gary' had slipped out of his mouth, Dawn had seemingly teleported across the campsite to perch on the log next to him, hugging him for all she was worth, and proclaiming loud and clear about how romantic it was that two former enemies could find true love.
Which was jumping the gun a bit, in Ash's mind. But Dawn was off on one of her romantic tangents and Arceus only knew when she'd come back to earth, so he decided to let her have her fun.
But Brock, now – that was the shocker. The girl-crazy teen had given him a knowing look and a nod, which gave Ash the impression that his 'news' was not really news at all – and how Brock knew that, Ash had no idea – but it wasn't his calm reaction that had spooked Ash.
No, it was the transformation from best male friend into Scary Father Figure.
Embarrassment was nothing new to him. He'd had his mother rant to him about the cleanliness of his underwear in the presence of his friends so many times it no longer fazed him to open packages from home in front of Dawn and Brock and be confronted by a fresh new pair of boxers sitting innocently on the top. And as for making a fool of himself, well, he'd been there and done that so many times he barely blushed anymore. Besides, the others tended to follow his headlong rushes into danger anyway, so what did that say about them?
But this... this was something altogether different. Ash sat there on the log in front of the fire, his face a nice shade of fire-engine red no doubt, his neck so hot he was sure steam was rising off it. His hands were clutching his knees hard enough to leave bruises. Across from him, Brock continued on with his lecture, one he'd happily entitled 'The Pidgies and the Combees'.
"...and you should always wear a condom!" Brock shouted. His eyes were squeezed shut – and yes, Ash could tell the difference – as though he couldn't deliver the lecture if he actually looked at Ash, and his arms flailed wildly in what Ash was horrified to realize were simulations of a condom being applied to a... Ash choked and closed his own eyes. The mental image was even worse – more detailed, for one thing – and so his eyes flew open again.
"Remember!" Brock pointed in what Ash was sure the other teen thought was his direction but was in fact aimed out over the river. "As the saying goes, 'Dry won't fly. Wet's your bet!' Like I said earlier, use lubricant!"
I'm dead, Ash told himself numbly. I'm dead and any minute now, oblivion will wash over me and take me away where I will never hear anything like this again.
Brock had already gone through a list of potential STD's one could get. For some reason, he seemed to feel the need to expand on the subject, detailing the symptoms down to the minutest details, and Ash really didn't want to know why the older teen had a series of pictorial STD flashcards in his backpack. He cringed as Brock held up a picture of some poor man's nether regions being ravaged by syphilis, choking back the urge to vomit all over Brock's shoes..
Come on, oblivion!
He'd never been so thankful for the fact that Brock had decided to wait and have this talk after Dawn had left for the meadow near their campsite for some extra training with Pochirisu, taking the others with her. If Dawn had been there, Ash was quite sure he'd have committed Hari Kari some time ago – probably during the time Brock had spent describing the difference between 'topping' and 'bottoming', with a focus on the need for 'prep time'.
"Crabs!" Brock continued, eyes still shut, waving a flashcard clearly marked 'gonorrhea'.
Ash suddenly had a very disturbing image of his Kingler that lasted a grand total of half a microsecond – which was still far too long. Scrabbling off the log, he barely made it to the bushes in time.
Brock's voice was suddenly quieter, and much closer. Ash waved one arm behind him, wordlessly telling him to keep back out of range. After another agonizing minute wherein Ash negotiated a peace treaty with his stomach, he crawled out of the bushes, pale and sweaty, one arm wrapped around his middle. "No more," he croaked, holding his free hand up. "No more cards. Please, Brock, no more!"
Brock helped him stand up, practically carrying him back to the log. "A bit too much?"
Ash glared at him, as best he could. "You think?"
Brock's face was nearly as red as Ash's, but he was wearing a look of determination that put his to shame. "You have to know this stuff."
"Why?" Ash groaned. "We haven't done anything – Brock, we barely touched each other!" Brock turned green, but Ash ignored him. "All we did was hold hands. We haven't even kissed yet. There's no way I'm gonna be ready for all this protective stuff you talked about! Not for a long time!"
"You say that now, but hormones have a way of changing your mind pretty fast," Brock said firmly. "Someone needed to play the role of 'instructor' and I doubt you'd appreciate having a lecture on the subject by Professor Oak, considering who the object of your affection is."
Ash paled at the thought. "Oh Arceus, no."
Brock sighed, and dropped onto the log next to him, dropping the pack of cards to the forest floor. "This wasn't exactly fun for me either," he said quietly. "But someone had to do it. You're my best friend. I reserve the right to worry about you. That will never change."
"I know," Ash said, just as quietly. "And I appreciate that. You're my best friend too. But really -" He shot the older boy a pained look. "Were the illustrated flashcards really necessary?"
"Ash, I had to go through this with my father a few years ago. If I had to suffer, it's only fair I get to pass it on. Where do you think I got them from, anyway?"
"Your father?" Ash was aware of the scandalized tone he'd taken on, but couldn't help it.
"Yup. In fact, I started carrying the cards and information pamphlets when we met up back in Kanto when you took on the Battle Frontier. Just in case you or May ever needed 'The Talk' or decided to experiment--"
"Me and May?" Ash sputtered.
"Hormones," Brock reminded him patiently. "Perfectly natural, though I should have known better. It's been five years, and still the only thing on your mind is Pokemon."
"Well," Ash hedged, giving Brock a sly look. "I guess that's gonna change now, huh?"
"Hence the need for the flashcards," Brock said with a nod.
Ash scowled. "You'd better be giving Dawn the 'Talk' too. Why am I the only one being tormented?"
"Because you're the first one of us to enter a relationship," Brock pointed out. "Granted, I didn't think I'd need to use those particular brochures, but you've always made a point of being different, huh?"
"Oh, shut up," Ash grumbled good-naturedly. "So you mean when Dawn decides to take up with Paul, or Kenny, she'll get subjected to the cards?"
"Yes." Brock's eyes twinkled with amusement. "Or if she pairs up with Zoe."
Ash's eyes grew wide. "Zoe?"
"It's not like it's impossible," Brock said, looking at him pointedly.
Ash flushed. "Right." Silence – blessed silence!! - prevailed for a minute, before Ash shot Brock another wary look. "So... are we done for now?"
"I suppose." Ash made to stand up, but Brock grabbed his arm, holding him in place for a minute. "Brock?"
"Be careful," Brock said seriously after a minute. "Don't let Gary push you into anything you're not ready for." He gave Ash's arm a little shake. "Understand?"
Ash smiled at the older teen. Despite the torment he'd been put through, this was one of the main reason's he loved his friend so much; this was why he trusted him more than any other person on the planet. "I promise. And you've got my back, right?"
"Always." Brock held out his hand for a high-five. Ash grinned, slapping his palm to the other's.
Just then, Pikachu scampered through the undergrowth, Buneary at his side. The rest of the group followed, with Staravia swooping overhead, and Dawn taking up the rear to make sure no one was left behind. "Hey guys!"
"Dawn!" Ash waved at her. "Man, am I glad to see you!" Her presence meant no more lectures on sexual activities. "How'd training go?"
"Not too shabby," she said, giving him a thumbs up. "I think I've almost got a new combination perfected. It uses Aipom riding her swift like a surfboard around the edge of Piplup's whirlpool. It looked really neat."
"I can't wait to see it," Ash said, meaning it sincerely. "You'll have to show us after dinner."
"Sure thing." Dawn looked them both over critically. "So, what did you two boys do all afternoon while we were out working hard?"
Ash's smile froze on his faze. "Uh..."
"Ash and I needed to talk about some stuff," Brock cut in. "Guy stuff, like the girl talk you did with Leona, remember?"
Ash watched comprehension flit across the girl's face, remembering the swat he and Brock had both been given when they'd tried to listen in. Dawn nodded. "No worries, then. Have fun?"
"Not exactly," Ash muttered. "C'mon, Pikachu. Let's go help start dinner."
Dawn followed but suddenly stopped, looking at the ground. Ash heard her say, "What's this?" and turned around just in time to see her pick up the cards Brock had dropped.
"ASH KETCHUM! BROCK STONE! EXPLAIN THESE IMMEDIATELY!"
Hopefully none of you were as traumatized as Ash was. :D Feedback appreciated.
edit 2:27am 01/10/08 Fixed two spelling errors.