Yet another story that I thought I uploaded but realized that I didn't.
This one was inspired by my sister mentioning having to take care of dolls just like the ones in this story for her Life Science class. I consider this a gift-fic to her.
Anyone remember the characters Devon and Haze? If you don't, Devon (first appearance: Beware of Wendigos) is a friend of Sam's (EDIT: Maybe it's also worth mentioning that this character is based on a European friend of mine, the one I like to call "Bran Flakes") and Haze (first appearance: Solace) is Sam's crazy Canadian neighbor (his wife's given birth since his last appearance).
"What is this smallish thing resembling an infantile human?" Bumblebee asked Sam, referring to the doll in his arms.
"This is my Creative Living assignment. We have to carry these stupid things around for the weekend, and we have to treat them like a real baby or they'll record my every flaw and my grade will go down," Sam groaned.
"It's not that hard, Sam. All you have to do is stick a key in its back when it starts crying and wait a few minutes," Mikaela said, holding her baby.
"Oh, is that why there's a key strapped around your wrist?" the Camaro asked.
"Yep. And the only way to get the damn thing off is by cutting it," Sam replied.
They suddenly heard a piercing cry accompanied by someone with a British accent yelling and cursing. They looked over by the tree where one of Sam's friends, Devon, was approaching them and cursing out his baby. "Bloody hell, why won't the damn thing shut up?!" Devon snapped, violently shaking it.
"Devon, stop! That's being recorded! You'll fail!" Mikaela protested.
"I don't care! Why do I even have to take this bloody class? I don't plan on ever being a father anyway!" he countered.
"Thank god," a passing cheerleader said as she stared distastefully at his punk attire.
Used to it, Devon ignored her. "Hey Sam, if I set this thing in the street, will you please back over it with your Camaro?!"
"I would, but I don't think Bumblebee would be very happy about me using him as a murder weapon," Sam shrugged. Bumblebee revved his engine as if to confirm this.
"Hey, guys! So what did you name your babies?" Miles asked. "Mine is Miles Jr."
"Mine is Tallulah," Mikaela answered.
"Mine is...um..." Sam glanced around, trying to think of a name, and stopped his gaze on Bumblebee. "Little Bee." Bumblebee's engine purred in admiration for his choice.
"I guess mine is Jamowie, then," Devon shrugged.
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH JAMOWIE?!"
"No...I think Jamowie's a pretty name!" Sam defended himself, quickly stepping back.
"Look Mommy, it's that punk kid from down the street!" a little girl said, pointing at Devon.
"Yes honey, don't make eye contact," her mom replied, quickly rushing her along.
"Do you get this a lot?" Mikaela asked.
"Get what a lot?" he asked, oblivious.
Miles Jr. started crying. "Oh, I guess I gotta go feed Jr. See you guys later!" Miles said, walking away.
"Can I get a ride home, dude?" Devon asked.
"Yeah, but Mikaela's coming too, so you'll have to sit in the back with the car seat."
"It's for Little Bee... I borrowed it from my crazy neighbor," he answered. "Mikaela, you don't have a problem with holding yours, right?"
"Nope. No problem," she replied.
"Devon, what about you?"
"I'm not holding this demon doll the entire ride home!" he snapped.
"Then what are you going to do with it?"
"Well there's room in the trunk, isn't there?"
"You're such a horrible father," Mikaela shook her head.
"What's that? Scream louder! I still can't hear you, you little heathen!" Devon screamed mockingly to the trunk.
"Unfortunately I am the trunk, and therefore I can," Bumblebee groaned.
"Is this how they treat their offspring in England, or is he just Cuckoo Looneybins?" Sam's neighbor, Haze, asked.
"I'm pretty sure it's the latter," Sam replied. "I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be loonier than you, but I guess it was." Devon was sitting on his doll to make the screaming stop. An elderly couple walked by and stared at him. "I'm beginning to wonder if it's a foreign thing, really... I mean, you're from Ottawa, Devon grew up in London, and then you look at some of the Autobots..."
Bumblebee was trying to water the grass for Ron Witwicky when Jazz purposely stepped on the hose to stop the water flow. Bumblebee shook it, trying to make the water come out, and held it up to his optic to look inside. Five seconds later, Jazz removed his foot from the hose...
"And then there's Miles..."
"Where's he from?" Haze asked.
"I don't know... Probably one of Neptune's moons."
"Hmm... Then I guess you have 24 to choose from," Jazz said, overhearing the conversation.
"Neptune only has 13 moons..." Sam pointed out. Jazz just laughed and walked away. "Okay...so apparently there's 11 moons that we don't know about yet..."
"I have to go home, Sam. My mum is making dinner tonight. See ya!" Devon waved. He dragged the screaming Jamowie down the street on a leash. Mojo followed close behind, holding one of its arms in his mouth.
"That kid's gonna end up on the FBI's Most Wanted list," Sam sighed. Little Bee started crying. "Uh oh... Guess I gotta feed the baby."
"Wow, I wish my son would shut up just by sticking a key in it..." Haze said.
"I imagine he would, but then child services would be after you for murder," Sam replied, tending to his doll.
Sam groaned when the baby went off at 2 in the morning. He fumbled to reach the bed he'd made it in his sock drawer. He could hear Bumblebee's engine revving in irritation outside in the driveway (the window was open and Cybertronians had much better hearing than humans). His parents pounded on the wall and told him to shut the doll up. "I'm getting it! You don't have to yell at me! It's not like I even signed up for this freaking class!"
He picked the doll up and stuck the key in, waited a few minutes for the signal that it was recharged, and put it back in. He then went back to bed. Less than 2 hours later, the baby started crying again.
"Sam, make it stop!" Bumblebee complained outside.
"I'm trying!" Sam snapped back irritably. Once the baby stopped crying, he put it back to sleep and went back to bed. 3 hours later, it started crying again...
"So, how did your first night with your baby go?" Mikaela asked in the school parking lot.
"Ask Bumblebee," Sam groaned.
"Little demons...KILL 'EM!!" Bumblebee said in a woozy, out-of-it kind of tone.
"What about you?"
"Tallulah slept like a little angel," she replied, patting her baby.
"Want to trade babies?"
"What about Miles? How's everything going with Jr.?" Sam asked, nodding towards Miles.
"He said that Jr. cried once or twice, but for the most part was perfectly fine," she replied.
"Am I the only one with a Demon Doll?!" Sam shouted into the air, making the two girls walking past him look at him funny and walk faster. He suddenly noticed Devon walking by. A muffled cry in his backpack indicated the location of Jamowie. "Oh, right..."
The school bell rang, indicating that they had to be in class. "Oh... I gotta go Sam. I'm late for homeroom. See ya!" Mikaela waved, running inside the building.
Little Bee started crying again. "Oh, come on!!" Sam whined.
"Please, stop crying!!" Sam begged the doll. Bumblebee was leaning against the side of the house, twitching with his newfound, sleep-deprived insanity.
"You know, I wonder if these dolls were designed to prevent your generation from reproducing," Haze suggested.
"I shut it up with the key 20 times today! I shut it up 36 times yesterday! I threw it out the fricking 4th story window at school, and the damn thing's still wailing!!" Sam complained.
"You threw it out the window?!" Haze replied. He noticed the baby was covered in grass and dirt.
"He did! Can you just imagine driving down the street and seeing a baby go flying out the window?" Sam's mom asked him from where she was working on her garden. Haze, being a father, tried to get that mental image out of his mind.
"What do you do when your son starts crying and won't stop?" Sam asked.
"Oh, that's simple- I just hand him to his mother and walk away," Haze replied.
"Okay then..." Sam walked over to Bumblebee. "Congratulations on your new adopted baby, Mr. Mom," he said, dumping Little Bee into the Camaro's arms.
"But I don't want to be a mom! I'm male, it's not even physically possible for me to be a mom!" Bumblebee complained.
"Hey, that's not my problem," Sam shrugged, walking away.
"Finally, we can get rid of these stupid dolls," Sam sighed when he entered his Life Science class.
"You're telling me," Devon agreed, sitting down in back of him.
"This thing drove poor Bumblebee completely insane! I had to get a ride from Ironhide to school today!" Sam continued.
"From Ironhide?" Mikaela replied, overhearing the conversation. "And how did that work out?"
An announcement came over the PA system: "Will the owner of the black GMC Topkick, license plate number 4PCI382, please move their vehicle. It's parked on a middle schooler."
"That pretty much sums it up," Sam replied.
The teacher went around looking at the students' dolls. "Very good, Miles, Mikaela! Your dolls look in perfect condition!" she congratulated them. She got to Devon's doll and just about had a heart attack. "Devon... Why is there an ice pick sticking out of your doll's back?!"
"It wouldn't stop crying, so I stabbed it to death," he shrugged.
"Why are there nails hammered into its head and bullet holes in it as well?!"
"The bitch just didn't want to die..."
She quickly covered her eyes and went to examine Sam's doll and just about lost all faith in humanity. "Okay... What happened to your doll?!"
"My car ate it," he replied, holding up the mangled remains of Little Bee.