I'll be your host!
I'll be your host!
A is for Awakenings!
So you may be asking, THE HELL! WHY are you writing this shit if you have to update You are my friend! But I simply love the Akatsuki toooo much to leave them aside.
Each chapter will have a letter of AKATSUKI, so the next chapter is K for…
So this is my first "funny" fanfic. I like comedies a LOT and I cant help adding a LITTLE of laughter to all of my stories. Somebody has to smirk.
Well, basically, I got this idea by randomly looking at stupid pictures of the grim and Naruto and suddenly I was writing madly a story about this stupid gut criminals. I am FANATIC not FAN but FANATIC of the all-handsome Akatsuki's (They are so evil yet so DAMNED hot xD!). This chapter is about the day of the show, they are all getting ready. I think the next chapter will be ready soon before long so don't worry if you are interested
Here you go!
It was noon and the Akatsuki were sleeping, planning murders and dancing belly dance in their five stars hotel they bought with Kakuzu's money. And no, he didn't now about it. In room number one were the infamous criminals , Kisame and Itachi. Itachi was in the queen bed doing his nails.
"Hey Kisaaa! Do you like my nails?" He had his teddy bear, Richard II in his crossed legs because he had just woken up. He flipped his hand but in vane because fish-man was in the bath tub.
"Wraaaaarrr!! Yeah, Itachi-san. They are great." He yelled obviously uninterested while playing with his dolls
"They are ACTION FIGURES." Oh, sorry.
Wile playing with his womanly action figures.
"Oh. My. GOD! Look at my CUTICLES! They are, like, SO damaged." Itachi squealed in horror when he contemplated at his nails again.
"I AM SUCH A FALIUR!" He sobbed. Kisame was in his Berry-Mush-A-Berry© ORIGINAL bubble bath.
"RWAAAAAAAR! "Oh NOOOO I'm being eaten by a gigantic BLUE MAN AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"" He made the do-er-action figures scream. ""OH NO! I'm BLEEEEDIIIING! MOOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!"" Itachi, that was now trying to remove his cuticles, was failing miserably.
"Kisa! What should I do!? I cant see anything!" He wept. Kisame rolled his eyes and sighted to himself.
"Itachi-san, you aren't wearing your contacts!" He said in a reproachful voice. A dimmed light bulb appeared above Itachi's head. Ping!
"Oh YEEEEEEEEAH! I totally forgot! I'm soooo dumb! Duh!" He said, remembering. He eased the cloth of his ducky and rainbow PJ's and stood up to go to the toilet.
"Shit! Fuck! Stupid doorknob, hitting my tummy like that! Who the hell put this wall over here!" Itachi yelled every time he ran into something, that often occurred. Kisame was still in the bathtub playing with the longed-haired, rounded butted and thin legged action figures by the time Itachi reached to the bathroom and ran into the sink.
"Damned sink! Who told you to move like that!" Itachi opened the cabinet and took out a pair of little white circled containers. These contained two red contact lenses. He giggled as he saw the pair of them and Kisame stared disapprovingly.
"That's simply LAME." He let out in a sight.
"Kisa! Don't be so mean! You can talk about lametatistics when YOU are playing with blonde cheerleader barbies!" Itachi demanded. Kisame blushed deeply and splashed with his fists.
"THEY ARE NOT BLONDE CHEERLEADER BARBIES! THEY ARE JUST BLONDE ACTION FIGURES!! CAN'T NOBODY UNDERSTAND FREAKING THAT!" He yelled and suddenly the room's door opened and a female voice spoke.
"Take a chill pill, duuuuude." And then it slammed back.
"Ugh. KONAN. Damn, she is so cool!! NOT! I, and Itachi are so BEYOND cool!!" Itachi made Richard II say while he took his Sharingan contacts out of their case.
Kisame started going red for the fact that every Akatsuki living the life in the hotel had just found out that he plays with female "action figures".
"At least I don't have a Teddy bear…" He mumbled to his own entertainment.
Itachi looked at the red circles pleased.
"I am a master in illusion! And illusions are pretend things so I pretend I have my Sharingan on when I am really not! Like, DAMN COOLER THAN COOL!!" he squealed happily, taping his hand one with another. He put his contacts on and looked at himself in the mirror. He smirked and posed infront of until he got his mascara out.
"To be even cooler than KONAN!" He started using it in his reddened eyes and snapped his fingers to a gun.
"Hasta la vista baby!"
"Freaking weirdo." Kisame said, slapping his forehead.
"Can you go out please? I need to get out from the bath. I'm turning to a human raisin." He spoke again, pointing to the bathroom's door.
"Ok, Kisa! I'm going now!! Tootles!" Itachi responded and flapped his hand.
Wile our favorite S-ranked criminals played with pretty dolls and painted their nails, in the room next door there were our polite zombie friends.
"KAKUZU! LAZY DIPSHIT! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES I NEED TO TELL YOU THAT WE DO NEED FREAKING ELECTRICITY FOR THE FUCKING SHOWER GOD DAMNED YOU, YOU MISERABL BITCH!!" Hidan screamed his gut out because he was naked in the shower when it had suddenly turned off and the lights had gone off with them.
Kakuzu, that was in boxers counting money, lifted his head with disdain.
"I pay what I use. I don't bath. It's way to expensive, so pay it yourself." He responded and kept counting the golden coins. "Woah, this is serious bucks, man. And this is the first of the 4 bros! I'm going to be fucking rich when I kill them all!!" Kakuzu said madly to himself.
"FUCK! CUT THIS FUCKING CRAP YOU SHIT HEAD! THAT YOU ARE A SKANKY BITCH DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T PAY FOR THE FREAKING ELECTRICITY ONCE IN YOUR SHITY LIFE!'' Hidan yelled from inside the bathroom. He was muttering random stuff under his breath like , I am going to kill him, I need a plan to do that, I want some pancakes. He grabbed a towel and covered his lower body with it. He switched the switch but the light didn't turn on. He remembered and clucked his tongue angrily.
"OH MY FUCKING JASHIN! YOU FUCKING SLAG! WHERE THE HELL IS THE TOILET!" Hidan hadn't realized that the toilet had gone missing. Kakuzu sighted and kept counting. The masked nin was thinking in what was he going to spend his money. In another mask? In more thread? A thong? Those boxers already had 76 years and they were itchy. But they were cheaper than pajamas.
"I sold the toilet." He calmly responded. "And your hair gel too"
Hidan heard that and ripped his hair off "YOU SELLED THE TOILET ARE YO-wait, YOU SELLED MY FUCKING HAIR GEL!!" Hidan bellowed and the window finnaly cracked and then, it broke.
Kakuzu shook his head slowly and then said "I am not paying for those…"
"HELL YOU ARE, BITCH!"
"AH! I almost forgot. I E-Bayed your Jashin thingy too, it was worth around a million bucks, It's serious biz, man."
Hidan grabbed his scythe to cut Kakuzu's balls. He went out to get him.
"THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"
And that was when, un amused, Kakuzu stood up and stretched his hand. The black thread that sewed Hidan's head to his neck was loosened up and Hidan's head fell to the ground.
"YOU SICK BASTARD!" Hidan screamed. "HOW COULD YOU SELL MY SHITY JASHIN NECKLACE! HE IS GOING TO CUT YOUR MISERABLE BASTARD GUTS OUT!! JUST WAIT AND SEE! JASHIN SHALL REPART HIS JUJDMENT AND KILL ALL THE GREEDY BITCHES LIKE YOU!!" Hidan was screaming his head out, no wait, his head was already out, so he was screaming his head in? The hell! , you know what I mean.
"Oh I am so scared." Kakuzu lied. He was laughing now because the sight of Hidan screaming at him like that from the floor ,looking so damn pathetic, was fun.
"YOU PUT MY HEAD BACK TO ITS PLACE, NOW!" Hidan ordered though Kakuzu wanted to blow him up. "I AM GOING A TO RIP YOUR BALLS OUT!" Kakuzu narrowed his eyes and grinned beneath his mask
"I have a better idea." Kakuzu's eyes glimmered and Hidan's face feared. "Wa…what's with that shity face!!" He asked cautiously, yet dumbly since Kakuzu was looking out the broken window. Kakuzu went there and poked his head out and then turned to look at Hidan's.
Hidan had realized and then he tried to back off, failing of course since he didn't have the limbs.
"NO WAY! YOU ARE NOT THROWING ME OVER THERE!" He yelled desperately. His eyes were round in surprise and Kakuzu got a steady hold of his scalp.
"OW! BITCH! YOU KNOW IT TAKES MY 20 MINUTES EVEY FUCKING MORNING TO DO MY HAIR PROPERLY!! YOU ARE MESSING IT UP, SHIT-DIP!!" Hidan's eyes were popping out of their sockets by the time Kakuzu was making measurements.
"DON'T!" screamed Hidan and that was when Kakuzu threw his head up to the air and kicked it so hard Hidan was screaming.
"GOD DAMNED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!"
"Ok, back to biz." Kakuzu walked to were his table was.
"Man, SERIOUS bucks this bounty was…"
Sasori was still sleeping in his red and yellow room. It looked like a sun. Very bright, happy. Lots of rainbows and Teddies. Happy sunflowers fell from the ceiling.
It was 1 pm and Deidara was sipping away his tea in his special clay mug. He was sniggering under his breath until Sasori opened an eye. Deidara tried to dissimulate.
"Oh, I am so tired…" Sasori stretched, except something was missing.
"GOD DAMN IT! Isn't there ONE day in my life, Deidara, that I don't have to wake up with my leg in the other side of the damned room!?" He yelled irritably at the blonde.
"Actually, the other day it was in the garden, un." Deidara contained his laughter and responded as Sasori gave him a killer stare. "Sorry, Sasori-Danna, but I simply can't resist, un!!" He busted and jumped up and down in excitement, laughing.
"You are DONE for it." The red haired (Cof, cof Attractive cof, cof) ninja mumbled as he raised his arm to point at the tall blonde one, only his arm fell to his crossed good leg.
"DAMNED OVERSIZED SCREWS!" He screamed to himself.
"Sasori-Danna, you look hot when you are angry…unnnn" Suddenly Deidara blurted out sexily. Sasori gave him a blanc stare and his mouth suddenly smirked.
"And you when you are a bad boy." Sasori responded. Deidara smiled as Sasori tried to stand up and then remember his leg was missing.
"Can you bring me my leg, brat? Please?" He asked.
"Yes Sasori-Danna." The cute tall guy answered as he walked over to were the numb, cold and pale piece of plastic that Sasori called a "leg" was. He grabbed it and threw it to the bed.
"Ow." Sasori said as he asked for the screwdriver. Deidara sat on their large white bed and sipped at his tea once more.
"Well Danna, what are we to do today?" He asked, staring slightly over the ducky yellow mug again.
"Dunno, ask Pein. I just woke up, brat." Was his bitter response. Disappointed with it, he went to the toilet. He opened the cabinet and took out three things. Max Factor© Eyeliner, three different brushes and his Black Akatsuki Nail Polish.
"Well, Itachi SWEARS he is so cool. But I am COOLER! Hehehehe… He does his nails once a day, and I TWICE! Plus, He ONLY uses cheap mascara, I use Max Factor© Eyeliner! I brush my hair at night and in the morning soooo, suck THAT big bug eyes,UN!!" Deidara murmured under his breath, but Sasori heard him.
"Man, that kid is nuts…"
After several minutes/hours of hygiene his all rumbled up hair and his stuck-in-sweat fringe, became the Deidara we all know. Except for one thing.
"Just my robe and…TADA!" He cheered to himself. By this time Sasori was already but he missed something. Again. Guess what! His Hiruko puppet. Deidara came out of the bathroom and went to the again teapot to get some more tea and he noticed that.
"Sasori-Danna? What happened to Hiruko, un??" He asked calmly.
"Well, I send him to the dry cleaner. You know how much filth is to crawl in the floor all day?? I bet not, you just fly, lucky brat." He answered in an annoyed voice.
"I think you actually look better without it, Danna." Deidara tried to complement politely.
"You think? Oh, some girl told me that she didn't like my hair so I turned bad and hid in Hiruko the past 20 years. I am EMOOOO!!" As Sasori answered, he suddenly started sobbing and Deidara hugged him.
"Its gonna be alright. You are really hot, screw that girl. Who was it anyway?? Deidara tried to calm Sasori down since he was hysterically crying by now.
"She was blonde with long hair, and she was from the rock village." Sasori yelped.
20 years ago in the way to the from the Rock Village to Sunagakure (Sand village)
"Dye your hair, match head!" A very girly looking blonde boy yelled.
And Sasori killed Sunagakure's Kage and turned evil.
End of Flashback
Deidara remembered that day he called match head to a boy that looked like Sasori and giggled to himself.
"That girl was a mean." And he kept on patting Sasori.
As Sasori cried the clock ran and Tobi did too.
"Zetsu-san!! BELLYFLOOOOOP!! BOOM." Tobi launched himself to where the attractive Zetsu (Meaning, he doesn't have his flytrap on) was sleeping.
"SHIT! TOBI, IM GONNA KILL YOU!!" White Zetsu said, intensely shocked by the movement, trying to get out of the bed.
"No Dumbass, you cant kill your ANOYING partner. Today is a SPECIAL day." Said Black Zetsu in a cutting tone. Tobi cocked his head and sniffed.
"But Tobi is a GOOD boy!!" The childish man complained. Zetsu looked at the partner he had kneeling in his chest and both of his sides screamed.
"GET OFF OF ME YOU LAZY ASS FACE!!"
The scream was so loud Tobi fell in his back on to the floor. Tobi started yelping.
"But…BUT I AM A GOOD BOY!!" He looked at, the now standing up, Zetsu. He was wearing a black and white checkered PJ's with the symbol of the Yin Yang in each of the little squares. Tobi stirred his head.
"Zetsu-san, I think you should change your pajamas, your making me dizzzzzzy." Tobi proposed as Black Zetsu barked his answer.
"And I think we should buy another bed, Tobi! You squirm way to much, you see. And I need to rest because, unlike you, I am a father."
Tobi stopped moving and looked cautiously at Zetsu that was going to where the window was.
"I present to you, my prideness!" And as he pulled the curtains, a set of beautiful flowers appeared. Tobi stared at Zetsu more confused than ever and this time it wasn't his pajamas.
Zetsu grabbed a hidden water bottle and started pouring it to the plants.
"Yeah, yeah. For my babies. You want Evian, don't you Rose?? Oh yeaaaaa, refreshhhhhhhhing!!" Both Zetsu's cooed to the line of miniature plants, each labeled with masking tape. Each of them had a name in them.
Tobi scratched his head and looked at the muscular white and black ninja that was, suddenly, talking to a row of motionless items.
"Hey, Zetsu-san, why is it today a special day??" Asked Tobi, trying to change the subject.
"Ask Pein. I am not allowed to tell you." White Zetsu spoke.
"Yes you are." Black Zetsu corrected.
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are! Yes you are! Yes you a-" Black Zetsu teased. And suddenly the white hand slapped him.
"HEY!" He yelled and then Zetsu collapsed to the ground. The two parts of him fought on the ground. Tobi was now, disinterested, sitting down eating Zetsu's fave cereal. Veggie-o's.
Tobi sat quietly, eating his cereal in his special "I am an Akatsuki Idol©" pajamas. It was black with lots of red clouds in them. His orange swirl mask had a sticker in each of the swirls that said:
"I MADE IT!! I BACAME AKATSUKI!!"
His black painted nails had red Akatsuki clouds in them with a smiley in the center. He was wearing his typical black slippers with lots of red clouds, almost like polka dots. His black spiky hair was covered in a black fur hat with an odd cloth patch sewed in it with a red cloud in it.
"HEY!" Both sides of the tall and slim nin suddenly screamed. He was still on the floor, having a fight with himself. Zetsu pointed at the cereal and glared at Tobi.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I NEED TO TELL YOU! THE VEGIE-O'S ARE FOR ME, AND THE CAPTAIN CRUNCH IS FOR YOU!" He screamed at the evident loss of the special maga-enourmous-super-supercalifragilisticexpialidociously-big-broccoli-queen-veggie-O, that TOBI had just eaten.
Tobi smiled with his mouthed completely stuffed with the enormous green marshmallow-like cereal muck, dribbling in his saliva.
"Zetsu-san, Tobi is a good- AHHHH ZETSU-SAN IS TRYING TO EAT MEEEEEE!!" He screamed as he ran to the bathroom and slamed shut the door before he was eaten by the freaky plant-man.
"Ugh. First, he screams about cereal, now he tries to eat me. Isn't there any piece here for a good boy to embrace??" Tobi said smartly to himself. He had two faces. One, was his public face. He was a right ass in front of people because he liked it but he was a smartass when he was on his own. He knew complicated words like turbo-hyper-maxi-velocity and pudding.
Zetsu got rid of his clothes (A/N For all of my pleasure xD) and put on his giant plant on with his robe ontop.
"TOBI! Are you ready??" He yelled to Tobi as he knocked the bathroom's door.
"YEAH! Just wait for me to get ready!" Was his answer. Zetsu's sides, both slapped his head. Meaning he gave a double slap. Meaning it hurt.
"The hell…" Both sides spoke and left the room in despair, annoyed to the bone with Tobi.
"Tobi is a good boy!"
What!? Where the hell are Pein and Konan!
Well, they are already at the show, fixing stuff, killing people and eating marshmallows.
The fun part goes to the show. OH! Damn I have SO MANY fun stuff planed that I think I will write it NOW, right away.