"Wild Thing!

Wild Thing!

Wild thing, I think you move me

But I wanna know for sure!

Every time I kiss you I taste what other men had for lunch!

The only thing that can get you off is to see me in pain!

Wild Thing!"

Jack sang, head flung back dramatically.

"Oh God, not the Sam Kinison version!" Matty wheezed, his own microphone dangling from his hand.

"You make my heart scream!
You took everything!
Oh, wild thing!
Wild thing, I think you move me!
Ah, that just came to my mind – I thought I'd say it…
You made me trust you, then stuck the knife in my heart!
You're a lying, unfaithful, untrustable tramp, and I think I love you!
Wild thing!
You make my heart scream!
You took everything!
Oh, wild thing!"

The young albino man posed on the small stage, rocking out as though he were in front of an audience of thousands. Maybe it was the drinks or maybe he was finally in his own element with immortal magical beings around, but he just seemed like he was having a good time.

"I don't know the words to this one!" Matty protested.

"Wild thing!
Oh, we've all had some kind of wild thing that went through our lives and made it hell.
'Cause everybody's had one – you, me – NOBODY likes to lose!
And you know she's out there, laughing at you –
I don't care if it was last week or the 3rd grade!
Someone broke your heart!
What was her name?
Wild thing!
I'll never forgive you!
You make my heart scream!
How do you live with yourself?
You took everything!
You never loved me!
Oh, wild thing!
You used me!
Wild thing!"

"Do you hear that, Dragonbreath?" Phooka taunted, still holding Jack's phone. "I think he's talking about you."

Chase Young, buzz thoroughly killed, called up the Eye Spy Orb to take in Jack in a very flattering suit belting out lyrics. Spicer always had been very musical.

"I . . . have always been something of a heartbreaker," Chase offered smoothly. "It's to be expected that I still haunt Spicer's thoughts."

"I hope you slide under a gas truck and taste your own blood!
You make my heart scream!
Why didn't you tell me you were a demon from Hell?
You took everything!
You deserve the men you're gonna meet, you loser!
Oh, wild thing!
Railroad bums! Transients! Out-of work guys!
Wild thing!
Guy who're gonna use you like you used me!
Wild thing!
Guys who are gonna take money out of your purse and crawl out a window!
Wild thing!
Oh! O-o-o-o-o-oh!
Wild thing!
What's her name?



"Oh, yeah, he's still pining for you," Phooka offered with a mean snicker.

"This could be my plan to have a lover who is well-travelled and experienced in life," Chase stated.

"It could be, but it's not," the kelpie chortled. "He wouldn't be so bitter if you had just let him go."

"Don't underestimate my ability to seduce, water horse," the dragon lord said. "Jack has matured more than you can imagine. I definitely prefer his current state of dress."

"You're watching him now?"

Chase thought a very bad word. Within a minute, the Eye Spy Orb clouded over, revealing nothing but darkness.

"That's very immature," he growled into the phone.

The words 'Stalking Isn't Sexy' glowed against the clouds for a moment, then disappeared.


Phooka all but giggled into the phone.

"I think it's time someone leveled the playing field here, Dragonbreath."

Chase could feel his ears pop as though the elevation had changed, even though he hadn't moved an inch.

"What did you do?"

"Come one come all," Phooka announced in a singsong voice, like the cheesiest carnival barker. "Welcome to the world's greatest entertainment since the fall of Rome!"

"What are you quoting?"

"Life, death, victims, voyeurs, the best of society, the lowest of plebeians, and to keep it all in extremely interesting, today's patrons could very easily be tomorrow's entertainment! All compliments of the ultimate showman: Fate! All that's missing is the coliseum!"

Phooka hung up the phone, knowing Chase couldn't call back thanks to the newly-cast spell. In fact, if Chase Young wanted to find Jack Spicer now, he had to do it the old-fashioned way. No Eye Spy Orbs, no scrying spells, no magical surveillance.

Jack Spicer was free.

"Oh man," Jack said, coming off the stage with his arm around Matty's shoulders. "That was fun! I haven't had such a good time in ages."

The kelpie draped his arm over Jack's shoulders.

"Let's see if we can't improve that good time a little," Phooka purred.

Jack paused to look at the sexy supernatural monster on one side of him, then the impossibly beautiful mortal on the other.

"This is basically just to get back at Chase, right?" the tech lord guessed.

"Pretty much," Phooka admitted.

Jack considered this for a second, then assessed the two men alongside him.

"I'm okay with that," he declared.

"That . . . . that . . . . was just . . . . wow, Jack," Ashley announced. "Four times?"

"Sorry, that's never happened before," Rudolph said, pulling his pants up. "I must be tired."

The blonde made a vague noise of amazement, but managed to crawl to the side of the bed and retrieve a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Ashley put a smoke between her lips and attempted to work the lighter.

"I had no idea you'd . . . I mean, if I knew you'd grow up like this, I would have been a lot nicer when we were kids. But you were always so infatuated with those stupid robots . . ."

Either the lighter was out of fluid or her hands were shaking too much, because she still wasn't having any luck making a flame.

"Hey Ashley," Rudolph said, still clad in only his slacks. "Do you know what the secret of comedy is?"

At her slightly puzzled look, the android leaned in and caused his pinkie finger to flip backwards at the joint, revealing a small cutting torch dialed down low enough to light a cigarette.

"Timing," the robojack announced with a grin.

A minute later, Rudolph was running down the hallway with the rest of his clothes clutched to his chest. Lamps, ashtrays, and other small, throwable objects crashed into the wall behind him.

"And don't ever come back, you walking masturbatory aide!" Ashley screamed.

Rudolph howled with laughter as the elevator doors closed behind him. He was still cackling madly when he exited on his own floor and made his way down to the Spicer suite. He nodded at the policeman at the door and let himself in.

"Have fun, our Jackie?" Nana asked.

"I'm Rudolph, Nana," the android said innocently. "I just got through playing Jack on TV is – what the hell?"

"Oh, sorry, baby; I heard the evil laughter and thought . . . what is it?"

Rudolph frowned down and the clothing in his arms. The jacket heaved and shifted and two tiny balls of white fluff peered up at the android.

"Mew!" one announced.

"Kittens?" Nana said. "Where did you find those?"

"They – they must have crawled into my jacket in Ashley's room," Rudolph said.

"Ashley? Jackie used to have a friend named Ashley," Nana said, peering at the two baby cats.

"No he didn't," Rudolph corrected. "And he sure doesn't now. He used to know a girl named Ashley. Awwwwww, they're so cute."

The little white kittens nuzzled against the android's chest, kneading his simulated skin with pink jellybean toes. They blinked trusting red eyes up at Rudolph and purred.

"Oh, oh, can we keep them?" Rudolph pleaded. "I'll feed them and take care of them! I'll bet they're really smart; Ashley used to genetically modify her cats. Please?"

"I don't know, our J - Rudolph," Nana sighed. "What would Jackie say?"

In truth, she was a little startled. She knew that Rudolph was taking the first steps to what she considered real life, but she wasn't expecting him to already be at the 'dragging home pets' stage.

Jack really had made her another grandchild.

"But I already named them! This is Asimov and this is Einstein."

"You don't even know if they're male or female, Rudolph."

"Well, technically Asimov and Einstein were surnames, so it doesn't really matter if they're boys or girls."

Nana lifted the tails of the two kittens.

"You have two little girls, Rudolph."

"So I can keep them?"

"Well . . . . I don't see why not," Nana sighed.

" . . . and when most kids were just trying to touch tits, I was out trolling the baseball team. Jesus, things got ugly when I turned fourteen," Matty said, opening the door to their hotel suite.

"I spent most of my fourteenth year as a monkey," Jack announced. "Magical transformations," he said with a shrug.

"Gah! That's so hot!" Matty announced.

"Uh . . . it is?" Jack asked. "Most people wouldn't consider monkeys sexy . . ."

"Not the monkey thing," the blond corrected. "The fact that you spent a year transformed into another living creature! I mean, wow!"

"Shapeshifters are his fetish," Phooka whispered.

"Ah. Well, I didn't bring the Monkey Staff, but I'll do my best," Jack joked.

Without another word, the albino youth pounced on the bed, causing Matthias to fall back and laugh. Jack pulled up the memory of using the Monkey Staff, feeling his frail body take on the strength of a great ape while gaining agility exponentially. Jack grinned ferally and ripped his shirt off to thump his chest. Matty squealed with laughter, applauding.

"I can't believe I found the one guy on earth who finds monkeys hot. Hoo hoo haaAAAAAA!"

"It's the transformation!" Matty said in a dreamy tone. "Wow, I'll never get tired of that."

"Transformation? But I didn't –"

It was around then that Jack realized he was hanging from the metal bed canopy frame by both hands and one foot. Strangely enough, his first thought was that he didn't remember taking off his shoes and sock, not that he had a thumb on his foot.

"And the tail looks like fun, too!"

He was . . . he was transformed. He was Monkey Jack, without the use of a Shen Gong Wu.

Holy fuck . . . .

Jack pulled himself up to balance on the corner of the bed frame, curling his tail around the post. How – how the hell had he managed to magically transform without the use of a 'Wu? Chase did it, but he was special –Special Olympics! A nasty part of his brain offered. But then . . . everyone talked about using magic, not being magic. Maybe the Shen Gong Wu were like training wheels? They gave the boost to get things started and you did it yourself once you got used to it? It's not like Raimundo needed the Sword of the Storm to command wind anymore. And Jack had used the Monkey Staff more than anybody.

"So are we going to get any foreplay or are things about to get primal?" Phooka asked, sitting on the bed with a bottle of lubricant in his hand.

Jack looked down at the two incredibly beautiful men on the bed beneath him. Spontaneous transformations were very interesting and he'd have to put together a serious theory about it later but right now sex.

"I am the Monkey King!" Jack howled, launching himself off of the canopy.

Early the next morning, Jack staggered out of the hotel room, hair ruffled, hickeys marring his throat and absolutely reeking of sex.

"So many . . . tentacles . . ." He rasped.

He had to stop by the front desk and ask what room he was in because he had totally forgotten. The concierge directed him to the correct suite and he slumped against the wall in the elevator.

This was officially the best vacation in the history of ever and he hadn't even been skiing yet.

Oh yeah; the treasure.

Jack checked his watch to see where his digging machines were. Somewhere south of Innsbruck, a heavy truck driven by Rudolph's old body was full of bleeding edge tech and robots ready to tear a mountain a new asshole.

Jack smiled to himself. He still had time for a day of skiing.

"Good morning, Mister Spicer," the police officer stationed outside the elevator door said.

"Jesus, you guys are still here? I thought that Detective said he didn't have men to spare babysitting us," Jack asked.

"No, sir, he doesn't," the police officer stated.

"So why-?"

That was as far as Jack got before the stun gun slammed into his ribs. The albino youth slumped to the ground.

"One down, one to go," the 'police officer' declared.