And finally. This has nothing to do with elevators, but the entire set up struck me as comic gold.
1245 hours Galactic Standard Time. Joker checked the chronometer display in the Normandy's bridge. The Commander had received orders from the top brass - something about a rogue VI and lots of death and destruction. Hackett had ordered Shepard to investigate. In other words, business as usual on board the good ship SSV Normandy. Joker swept the nav display with a careful glance. The board was green. Joker engaged the auto-pilot and decided to go for a walk around the ship. Which was a great deal more complicated than it sounded. A simple act like say, getting out of the pilot's seat could, at worst, shatter his femurs. Moving oh so carefully, Joker retrieved the crutches that were racked into the bulkhead beside his seat and very carefully levered himself upright.
Hobbling along the decking that ran between the rows of sensor stations, Joker made his way to the CIC and decided, more or less on a whim to look in on Shepard. No reason but she made a point of touching base with her officers and crew and he decided to return the favour. As he neared her office door, he heard some decidedly odd sounds coming from within and paused to listen. He wasn't spying on the Commander. Not technically but it seemed prudent not to go barging in unannounced. If even half the scuttlebutt was true, both Lieutenant Alenko and that cute asari girl, Liara had a thing for the Commander. Of course, being the consummate professional that she was, Shepard went out of her way not to show any kind of personal interest in her crew. Be bad for morale if the Commander shacked up with say...the pilot for instance. Joker grinned widely. That'd be a real hoot. Knowing his luck, his fragile bone structure would break into teensy litte pieces if Shepard so much as put her arm around his waist.
So, Joker paused near the entrance to Shepard's office and listened. Soon his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.
"Oh my God! That's goood!" Shepard's voice said ecstatically. Hello! Joker thought to himself. Could the Commander finally be letting her guard down? No, she just wasn't built like that.
"By the Goddess! Shepard, I never knew it could be like this," Liara's voice cried huskily. Joker's eyes almost bugged out of his head. Shepard...and Liara...SEX?
"Gee, I hope Alenko doesn't choose this exact moment to come down here," Joker said as the moans intensified.
"Shepard, it feels so wrong but at the same time, so right!" Liara gasped.
"Liara, trust me, just go with it!" Shepard urged her on. Joker began to feel quite uncomfortable. He was leaning over his crutches, breathing in shallow gasps and a sheen of sweat was on his forehead. He counted himself lucky that nobody else had noticed him yet. Or the sounds from within the Captain's quarters.
"After that first taste, I just want more!" Liara almost shrieked. Joker jerked upright, losing his grip on one crutch and fell forwards into the door.
The door slid open with a quiet hiss, dumping the pilot face first into Shepard's office. Awkwardly, Joker looked up at Liara and Shepard.
And saw them both, fully clothed, sitting in chairs across from each other...eating pizza?
"What the hell?" Joker grunted and tried to pull himself up.
Alison, slice of pizza poised between slightly parted lips and dripping melted cheese onto the floor, looked up to see her helmsman sprawled out on the deck in front of her, his crutches alongside him. She placed the pizza back in the box and got up, eyebrows so high on her forehead they had practically migrated to her hairline.
Alison wiped her fingers clean on a paper serviette and, with Liara's help, got Joker back on his feet again. That they managed it without crippling him further was nothing short of a miracle.
"Joker, way to make an entrance," Shepard said. Joker was looking down at the floor.
"Lieutenant, are you all right?" Liara asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine...I was just...ah.." Joker trailed off.
"Standing outside the door listening in on us?" Alison finished for him. "And what, exactly were you listening for?" she went on, fighting to keep a stern look on her face.
"What are you two doing in here?" Joker waved a hand around the room.
"Eating pizza, what else did you think we doing?" Shepard replied.
"Well, the way you two were moaning and carrying on I thought...you know," Joker said, a blush rising on his face.
"Oh, by the Goddess, you actually believed that Commander Shepard and I were..." Liara finished in a low voice, "having sex?" she looked mortified. "Oh my...what will the crew think!"
"Well, you should have heard yourselves, 'Oh my God, that's goood!'" he mimicked Shepard. Alison put a hand to her forehead and muttered, "Shit..."
"Yeah, and Liara, you were all like, 'it feels so wrong but so right!'" Joker said in a falsetto voice. Liara closed her eyes and hung her head. "Oh Goddess!"
"Yeah, like that!" Joker shook his head. "And the whole time...you were eating pizza?"
"Yeah, pizza," Shepard said defensively, arms folded across her chest.
"Must be really good pizza, for you two to be going on like that. I swear, it sounded like a damn porno flick!" Joker laughed to himself. "Ever thought about a career as a phone-sex operator?"
Alison glared at him. "It's really good pizza. I mean, I haven't tasted a pizza this good...ever."
"I agree," Liara replied, looking calmer. "The pineapple...oh my...the pineapple!"
"Pineapple?" Joker blinked.
"Yeah, pineapple! Actual, real pineapple, not the crap that comes out of the food processors," Alison licked her lips and sighed. "Damn good pineapple."
"Can I try a slice?" Joker asked hopefully. If it had the Commander going on like the soundtrack to Asari Sex Godesses Part Four - The Shagging, it had to be good. Alison nodded and lifted a piece from the box, placed it on a clean serviette and handed it to Joker. Leaning against the bulkhead, Joker bit into the pizza, chewed for a few seconds and felt absolute bliss. His eyes closed and a look of ecstasy came over him.
"Oh my God! Mmmm, Shepard...oh God that's good!"
Outside Shepard's office, Lieutenant Alenko stood stock still, mortified beyond belief. Commander Shepard...and Joker? Before he could leave, the office door opened, revealing the Commander, Liara and Joker. Kaidan's eyes almost popped out of his skull. A threesome?
"Oh hey, Kaidan," Joker said, "Care for a slice of pizza?"