Hit In The USA
The Kappa motorcycle screeched across the highway, in heated pursuit of the nefarious Gonard. The blue haired villain was attempting to escape on the back of a sheep, and doing surprisingly well. He kicked the sheep with his cowboy heels and it immediately sped up, leaving Mikey in the dust.
"Oh no you don't! You won't get to that airport if I can help it!" Kappa Mikey said, the camera zooming in on his face as he rode inside the armored cycle. He retracted the metal hood off his ride so he could see, as well as breathe. Keeping one hand on the handle bars, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the Kappa Fishing Rod! The show had really been at a loss for new weapon ideas.
Swinging carefully, Mikey hooked onto the rear end of the poor farm animal, which screamed in surprise and probably cost the show thousands of yen in animal cruelty charges. The animal abusing hero secured the fishing pole to his motorcycle, which he left running, and then began to walk across the tightrope he had created.
"Nice try, Kappa Mikey! But my new high-tech invention will stop you from using this trick!" Gonard roared, hurting his vocal cords in the process. Then he reached into his wild mess of hair and pulled out a pair of scissors, which he then used to cut the fishing line. Mikey hit the street at fifty miles an hour and was severely damaged; or at least, that was what it would look like to the viewers.
Mikey stood up shakily, holding his bleeding right arm. The LilyMu Hover Jet passed overhead, and Mitsuki, Guano, and Lily landed next to their defeated companion. They all looked genuinely worried for their friend, which was really hard for Lily to pull off.
"Mikey, are you okay?!" Lily squeaked, trying to suppress her gag reflex as she said so. Mikey shook his head sadly.
"I'm fine. But…I let Gonard get away. I'm sorry." He said, trying to avoid looking any of them in the eyes. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around.
"Don't worry, Mikey. We'll get him next time!" The ever tough Mitsuki said, trying to sound commanding despite her actually meek manner.
"Guano Guano!" Guano said, just so people wouldn't forget that he was part of the show too.
"Right. He won't know what hit him!" Kappa Mikey said, his spirits rising again. The camera zoomed out to put all of the characters in the shot as the LilyMu theme music came to an end.
"Cut!" Guano said happily, and the filming crew turned off their machines and began to pack up immediately. They were trying to set a world record for fastest clean up time, but kept being beat that nature show that was filmed by turtles with camera's on their backs.
"OMG, I can't believe we actually finished a whole episode without Mikey ruining everything." Lily said, but it wasn't necessarily a complement. Now the cast would have the rest of the weekend to do whatever they wanted.
"Yeah, everything turned out right for once!" Gonard said, taking a grenade out of his pocket, pulling the key, and throwing it at the main camera.
"Noooo!" Guano screamed, jumping high in the air and catching the explosive like a baseball. He fell to the floor with it cupped in his hands, and gave a sigh of relief. The grenade then blew up, blasting him off of his feet and into the air. Ozu walked into the room.
"How is everyone doing?" Ozu asked, holding his hands as if to physically receive the information. One second later, a very much on fire Guano fell in his hands, and was promptly dropped in pain.
"Great news, Ozu. We actually finished the episode on the first take!" Mitsuki said as she picked up their director with a giant pair of tweezers so she wouldn't get burnt.
"Good, good. But I have even greater news!" Ozu said as the cast stomped on Guano to put out the fire.
"THE GREATEST NEWS SINCE COFFEE!" Yes-man shouted as he appeared from his hiding place behind Ozu's back, holding up a steaming cup of joe.
"Ooh, am I finally going to get that box full of nuclear weapons I asked for?!" Mikey asked expectantly, already imagining the countries he would take over. First on his list: Quebekistan.
"No." Ozu deadpanned, shooting down Mikey's burst of excitement. "But you are all going on a trip to America, the birthplace of the nuclear weapon!"
"DON'T BOMB US AGAIN, AMERICA!" Yes-man pleaded on his knees, in a not so subtle illusion to World War 2. The cast was stunned by the news, as well as by Yes-man's politically incorrect joke.
"Why are we going to the U.S.?" Guano asked, wet from dousing himself in water to put out the fire on his costume. "Didn't 'Go go Guano' get knocked off the air by that group of teachers who thought the show promoted witchcraft?"
"Yes, but that is beside the point. Because now the un-cut LilyMu DVDs have finally shipped there, and they are already best sellers." Ozu said smugly, and then waited for Yes-man to add his comment. When he did not, Ozu snapped his fingers.
"WE'RE A HIT IN AMERICA!" Yes-man screamed, holding up a sales figure chart that he had literally pulled out of his ass. Then he looked at his boss for approval, which he did not receive.
"Where in America will we be going?" Mikey asked, hoping it would be someplace close to his parents so he could visit them.
"You will be going to anime conventions all across the country, starting with Florida." Ozu replied, to unanimous cheering from the cast.
"THE SUNSHINE STATE!" shrieked Yes-man, wearing a huge pair of sunglasses, tiny beach thong, and holding up a margarita. The cast members immediately began planning all the fun they would have.
"I'm going to sunbath twenty four hours a day!" Lily said, accompanied by the sound effect of a hamburger on the grill.
"I'm going make a sandwich out of actual sand! And then I'm going to eat it!" Gonard squealed, and a large chomping noise could be heard.
"I'm going to drive Gonard to the emergency room, apparently." Mitsuki sweat dropped, and an emergency siren blared.
"And I'm going to go have a talk with whoever keeps messing with the soundboard!" Guano said, looking up and seeing Yoshi getting ready to pull the 'beat-down' sound effect switch. The cameraman/sound director saw that he had been spotted and tried to blend into his environment by standing completely still.
"Where did he go? It's like he just disappeared!" Gonard exclaimed, looking straight at Yoshi and not seeing him.
"Enough of this foolishness. You must get ready, because your plane leaves in 15 minutes!" Ozu said, and the Japanese cast member's eyes grew too big for their heads. Mikey tried to imitate them, but only succeeded in crossing his eyes until they bled.
"OH, THE DRAMA!" Yes-man interjected, holding up a stop-watch Gonard had given him. He pressed the button on top and the prank toy immediately sprayed him in the face with extract of poison ivy.
"Why didn't you tell us earlier so we would have had more time to pack?!" Mitsuki asked, as the rest of the cast laughed as the yes-man scratched his inflamed face with sandpaper.
"Because it amuses me to see you all running around like little ants." Ozu said, to the anger of the cast.
"CRAWL BEFORE YOU'RE MASTER!" Yes-man said, but no one could understand him because his head was so swollen.
"We need to hurry and get to that airport." Mikey said, trying to take charge of the situation. "Gonard, you're in charge of bringing snacks. Guano will need to put in one of those animal crates. Mitsuki will carry all of our bags, Lily will be the hot stewardess, and I'll fly the plane!"
The predictable stunned silence followed, and Yoshi turned on the 'gust-of-wind' sound effect. Then Guano hit him in the head with a brick.
"You now have ten minutes left." Ozu said, smiling as he did. Yes-man held up all of his fingers, because he was now in too much pain to talk. But he held up his ten fingers VERY LOUDLY, so the cast got the message.
"There's no way time could have passed that fast!" Guano said, now that the deafening wind sound effects had been cut off.
"Five minutes left!" Ozu shouted, and the cast panicked and ran into one of elevators. The lift cables, which had been reconstructed with toothpicks and glue just the week before, snapped. They plummeted to the first floor in five seconds, and luckily no one was hurt. Except Guano.
"Man down, man down!" Guano screamed from underneath the collapsed roof of the elevator. Leaving their director behind, the rest of the cast ran for LilyMu towers to get their stuff ready. Everyone got their clothes together as well as a few additional items. Mikey got his handheld videogames, Lily got her beauty supplies, Mitsuki got her Mr. Featherbottom, and Gonard put all of the individual parts of a sandwich in his suit case, without putting them in separate bags first.
"Okay, we're all packed and ready." Mikey said as they whole cast met back at the elevator. Only one minute had passed, and even Viewtiful Joe would have been impressed with their speed. In fact, he was. From outside the LilyMu studio, he gave them a thumbs up as he walked past. Then we went to save to world or something.
"I'm not ready yet!" Guano said, holding himself up on a cane an elderly gentleman had given him.
"Don't worry, Guano. I can share my suitcase with you!" Gonard said, lifting up his briefcase that was dripping condiments. As he said this, Ozu came out of the other elevator.
"Congratulations on getting ready so fast. You have now beat that team of camera wearing turtles in the category of fastest packing." He said, checking off another box on a list of goals LilyMu needed to beat the turtles at. Yes-man couldn't say anything, because he was too busy trying to get his head out the door.
"No time talk, plane leave four minutes!" Guano said, limping on his crutches toward towards the door. Then he tripped on a discarded french-fry and fell on his face.
"Actually, I may have exaggerated your time frame a tiny bit." Ozu said mischievously, and he grew a cat mouth that was very disturbing to look at.
"How much time do we actually have?" Lily asked angrily, preparing to attack her boss with a hair dryer.
"Somewhere in the range of… one hour." Ozu said, and then he ran like away like a school boy on crack. Lily took out her ironing board, which she had somehow managed to fit in her suitcase, and prepared to chase the unusually fast old man. She felt a halting hand on her shoulder.
"We don't have time for this Lily; one hour still isn't much time. Now hand over the ironing board." Mitsuki said, acting like a police negotiator. Lily hugged her weapon of choice and refused to give it up. Her friend looked at her sternly. "C'mon, hand it over nice and gently."
"Jump, jump!" Gonard yelled, thinking it was a suicide negotiation. Lily gave her bludgeoning device to Mitsuki, and everyone in the building cheered, even if they didn't know what they were cheering about.
"Okay, we have more time but that doesn't mean we can waste any of it. We have all we need, so we should drive to the airport right now." Mitsuki said, to the agreement of almost everyone present.
"I still don't have anything!" Guano shouted, but he was ignored by the others as they walked out the double doors. He attempted to hobble after them, and tripped on a discarded napkin. Guano growled and looked over his should to see a man eating fast food and throwing trash all over the floor.
"Alright, now we just need to call Grandma Racer." Mikey said, referring to the LilyMu crew's personal driver. Amid the sounds of Guano's furious battle with the litterbug, he took out a small cell-phone like object and pressed a shiny red button. The T-bird driven by Grandma arrived in two seconds flat, but Mikey pressed the button a few more times just because he liked shiny red buttons.
"Where to?" Grandma Racer asked as everyone, including Guano, piled into the huge race car.
"To the airport!" they unanimously shouted. Grandma's eyes glinted as she put the T-bird into gear and punched the accelerator furiously. The car sped off.
Outside the window, the LilyMu cast watched as a snail passed them by.
"We are not doing this joke again!" Lily shouted, scaring their driver into speeding up.
"But its funny!" the one-joke character protested, not realizing why they didn't call her to take them places more often. The cast sighed as they drove off towards the airport.
Authors Note: Sequel is go! I had the idea for this story while I was still writing Snarkymen Fever, and now it too is coming out in fan fiction form. As far as I know, this idea hasn't been done in any other Kappa Mikey fan fiction, but if it has, then I can assure you my take on the experience will be completely different from anyone else's.
This story will be different from Snarkymen in many ways. First off, the rating is going up. This gives me a much broader range of jokes to make, and I'll do my best to offend and make you laugh. After all, the cast is going to America. It only makes since to make fun of the country's pitfalls.
Another way in which this story differs is that it will not be set up like the show. Think of it more as a movie than an episode. All in all, this story should be much longer than Snarkymen and have many small plots. Once again, this gives me more creative freedom as a writer to write the jokes I want to write.
Finally, I promise to keep this story on a semi-regular schedule. That means I will have a new chapter done each week. Hopefully, this will keep people interested in the story so that they don't forget it exists.
Alright, I've talked too much. Please read and review. If you haven't read all of Snarkymen Fever yet, do so now. Spay and neuter your pets. And so on.
Long live America! Read and review!