AN: This is for everyone who knows what 'My Immortal' is and thought it was hilarious/terrible/epic fail/traumatizing (shudders at memory). If you don't know what it is, I suggest you go read it. No wait – maybe you shouldn't. It's basically the worst fanfiction written EVER. Seriously, if you search up 'worst fanfic ever' in Google, that's what you'll end up with.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter OR My Immortal. If I did, I would hide from society and hide in a hole. Or move to Mexico and get a new identity.
BTW Chapter 45 doesn't exist (No, I'm not referring to Chapter 1 of the sequel, so let's just pretend the sequel doesn't exist for now… or forever, I don't mind).
The Horror Ends Once and For All
Recap of Chapter 44:
"Acco Nevel's wand!!11" cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil's wind was in his hands. "Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!!11111"
He maid lighting come all over da place.
"Save us Ebony!" Dumbledark cried.
I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.
"ABRA KEDABRA!!11111" I shooted.
AN: lolz it terns out im nut actshelli gong to dubya so herez anoda chapta. SHOP FREKIN FLEMMING U FJUCKINH PREPZ!!11
"ADBAR KDEVRADF!11!!11" I shooted seixly.
Vlofdemort gut hit by teh splel nd fel barkwords and the ligdhting he hed maid wuz gune.
"OMFG ENONBY U DED IT!!11" al mi friedz cride sexily.
I wuz relli modets n everyfing so I jut shok mi hed sexiy an went up to da comman rom wif Dorko n we stated takeing of our cloths an –
Suddenly, the readers couldn't bear it anymore – the bad sex scenes, the extreme OOC-ness, the horrific spelling, the gothic Avril Lavigne robe-wearing "Dambeldork" and the fact that every single frickin character had to do everything sexily. Before the horrible sex scene could continue, they kicked open the door of the dorm that "Enonby" and "Dorko" were in, armed with flamethrowers.
"WTFF lolz im vampirs u candt kil meh wif flamthroers!!11" yielded Eboby.
"lolol yah" grieved Derko, almost nekkid.
Spekaing off nekkid, Enofy wuz nt nekid. SHE WUZ WEAring a blak cortez, blak miniskurt n bla-
The readers cut off the lengthy description of "Enofy's" clothes because no one cared anyway and started loading their flamethrowers with ammo – the flames in the reviews, of course. Luckily, there were currently slightly over 13000 flames, so they would probably never run out.
"LOLZ I IS AN AMVPIRI! TEH FLamES dun hert meh" shooted Boney.
However, "Derko" was NOT a vampire. No matter how much we liked Draco, "Derko" had to die.
"OMFG U KEllid Dr kao!" sed Enboy angitstily bt sxily.
Ebnoy cred teas off blod nd cat her rists wen sddnly, Dambledork, Hairgid, Voldimint, Vamprie, B'leedy Mart, Lumpkin, McGooggle, Snap, MR NORIes, Filth and eveyoe els cam in!
But we didn't give a damn so we just shot all of them down. Soon, only the most hated vampire Mary-Sue of all time remained in the room.
"lolol dey were al pedos n prepz. Cept Darco, Vapmir nd Bledy Mart i gess" sed Eblony sexiy.
Besdes, Ebyon wuz so soxy she cud get any1 – lyk Geraklrd Way. She begin tinkhing wat it wud b lyk to b relaitd 2 dat hottei.
The readers retched at the thought of disturbing incest and began getting out the secret weapon. A large crate was carried into the corpse-filled dorm and opened to reveal… 200kg of steak!
"OMFG STEAK!!111" scremd Elony hu had fnshed orgy-ing to Herald Way.
She run arond in cricels but fel down cuz she hed borrowd Volfemort's hi heelz nd dey hert.
The readers pounced near her (because no one wanted to get too close) and flung their steaks at the fallen Mary-Sue.
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUU RAW MEET PRODUX! DEY BURN! DEY BURN!!" scemed Efyony sxily before she choked.
She twitched violently for a few seconds before screaming dramatically. Everyone put on earmuffs and made popcorn for the show.
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Whatever-the-hell-it-was Way hit the floor with a mundane finality, her pale body covered in steak, her white hands empty, the ugly face vancant and stupid. (Insert her name again) was dead, killed by 200kg of raw meat products, and the readers stood around the body, staring down at the enemy's shell.
Suddenly, all the characters revived and returned to their previous awesome states before XXXbloodyrists666XX had mutilated them! Harry Potter, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Dumbledore and a hell of a lot of other characters cheered and congratulated the heroic readers. They then disposed of "Efyony's" body by giving it to Hagrid (wrapped up carefully in a magical plastic bag to insure no one had to touch her) to feed the hungry animals in his "Hair of Magical Magic Creatures" lessons.
They then had a huge party featuring 'Pin the Steak on the Stupid Vampire Mary Sue' and numerous other games. They also barbequed the leftover steak for dinner – they were careful to use the meat that hadn't touched Ebony's body in case it would be diseased and turn them into retards.
19 Months Later…
After 18 months of hardcore counseling and mental assistance, he regained some of his sanity. His red streaks disappeared from his hair, the pentagram faded from his forehead and was replaced by the scar and he managed to get the red contacts off his eyes by using tweezers.
Unfortunately, he has not been able to get rid of his habit for liking human blood and occasionally still speaks in a feminine way, including giggling, whimpering and being shy. (Chapter 5, "I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. "Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. "Really?" he whimpered.)
Luckily, he no longer dresses in that horrible clothing that XXXbloodyrists666XXX had made him wear and went back to wizard robes and normal clothes. Since the incident, he has gotten together with Draco, as he can feel his pain that the story caused.
Draco is still going under therapy as he was the most traumatized of all, due to the fact he had actually "put his boy's thingie into her you-know-what" and "did it for the first time". He has commented that he still has nightmares about Ebony when she was naked and is sadly unable to remove "the Dork Mark" on his "huge you-know-what."
He has luckily managed to remove the "Enoby" tattoo on his arm but is unable to get rid of the one saying "Vampire" underneath. However, he is considering keeping it, as he is now with Harry Potter anyway. Contrary to popular belief, Draco does NOT have AIDS (Chapter 7, "No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!")
His appearance returned to before and though he has stopped screaming when he hears someone say the word "goffic" he still has the habit to vomit uncontrollably when someone says the words 'Volfemort' and 'bondage' in the same sentence (Chapter 12, "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco……………Volfemort has him bondage!").
Managed to get the terrible blue streaks out of his hair and return his hair colour to its natural state. He legally changed his name back from Diabolo to Ron and did not need counseling as he rarely appeared in the series. He hooked up with Hermione, who needed the emotional support.
Fred and George Weasley:
Both are glad to finally have their shop's sign changed back to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, instead of "Wesley's Whizard Wises."
Grateful to discover she was not actually kidnapped by birth and her real last name was truly Granger. She had to attend therapy for a month to get rid of the "goth" in her and convince herself she was not Japanese.
Hermione suffers from being haunted about the fact she was Ebony's best friend but thanks to Ron, she is gradually overcoming her fears.
Neville discovered his parents were still alive, he was not in Slytherin, he had not been kidnapped at birth and he had not converted to Satanism, much to his relief. Also, he is no longer referred to as "Nevile, Nevelle or Navel". (Chapter 17, Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.)
Dumbledore is pleased to know his name is no longer misspelled as Dumbledork, Dambledark, Bumbledore or Dumblydore and has been cured of his frequent headaches and his Alzheimer's. He has managed to gradually get rid of the habit of swearing at his students and calling them "motherfuckers" – even the girls.
He has also stopped flying through corridors on his broomstick, wearing robes with Avril Lavigne on it (though he kept one for old times' sake), having "lung black hair and a looong black bread" and destroyed his large collection of polo shirts from American Eagle.
Hagrid returned to being an adult instead of a "little Hogwarts student" and is highly disturbed to what happened in the story. He is currently hiding with giants, recovering slowly from the fact that he supposedly had a crush on "Enoby".
Hedwig sadly committed suicide after finding out she made out with Voldemort in the story.
McGonagall has stopped being called McGoogle, McGoggle or McGoonigal but is finding it hard to let go of her old habit – calling her students "horny simpletons."
No longer has to go under the alias of Lumpkin or Loopin and can no longer look Severus Snape in the eye without cringing, vomiting or shaking uncontrollably. He has Sirius for support and is no longer a disgusting pedophile/pervert who chews on porn tapes, "masticates" on broomsticks and asks for "condemns" so he can "do the dirty" with Snap/Snip/Snoop/Snake.
Sadly, Snape cannot remove the Dork Mark on his you-know-what but is fortunately no longer a homosexual engaged in activities with Lupin while also being a crazy fetishist "prep" who spies on naked girls. He has returned to being the most goth character in the original books and glares at anyone who calls him Snap/Snip/Snoop/Snake.
Sirius is no longer the "dogfather of Harry" but the godfather and glad his name has stopped being spelled as Serious. He is now currently helping Lupin with his trauma.
Returned to being dead, this time not called Samaro but James. We wish him a peaceful, undisturbed death this time.
Changed his name back to Lucius as Lucian was just retarded and he kept his two arms. ("But fangz anyway!1" said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!)
Wormtail is no longer known as Snaketail or "that fat guy who killed Cedric". He is now called "that fat, ugly dead guy who strangled himself… and killed Cedric"
Professor Slughorn was pleased to say that he would resume teaching Potions, not "Portents" and his name is not Professor Sluthorn, thank you very much.
Voldemort/Voldimint/Volfemort/Vlodemort has sadly not changed much from the story. He still wears high heels ("Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us") and has started speaking in Olde English all the time.
It has been reported that his face has returned to normal and he was no longer a "ugly preppy man wif no nose nd red eyez" and he had managed to get rid of the "dud-ur-so-retarded" look on his face.
Voldemort has abadoned using magic and has instead switched to using guns. Screw magic, when you can have a bullet!
Simply pleased to know they would never be called St Mango's or St Manga's ever again.