Title - I Hate Christmas by Stick-Em-Up-Punk

Rating - T (for language)

Warnings - Mild Slash, don't like it, don't read it!

Reviews - Yes please!

A/N: Inspired by the song 'I wont be home for christmas' by Blink 182, as I think that song is what Vyvyan would make of christmas...

"I hate christmas." Neil mumbles as he stirs his lentil cassrole.

Vyvyan stomps downstairs and throws open the front door, "Bugger off, you bastards!" he screams at the small group of carol singers and slams the front door in their shocked faces and walks into the kitchen. "Neil! Where's my tea?!"

"Coming..." the long haired hippy replies

"Vyvyan!" Rick shouts, putting his hands on his hips "Do you have to leave this thing lying around!? It's disgusting!"

"Yes Rick, I do. I'm gonna write an essay on it when I can be bothered!" Vyvyan bellows in return, picking the jar (containing a sheep's brain) up and holding it in front of Rick's face. The anarchist looked ready to puke and scrambled up off the armchair to get away, leading to Vyvyan chasing him around the drawing room calling him a "Girlie!" Eventually Vyvyan got bored and knocked Rick out with a frying pan then sat down to eat his tea.

"Well thanks a lot Vyvyan!" Rick shouts when he comes round a few minutes later, sitting at the table opposite the punk, sulking.

"Don't you want your tea Rick?" Vyv asks reaching over for the younger man's plate.

"Yes I ruddy well do!" Rick yells.

Mike walks in looking smart as usual.

"Enter Mike the cool person, looking good and in need of sustenance. Neil?" Mike says and Neil dishes out another portion of lentil casserole and puts it on the table for Mike.

"This is bloody disgusting Neil! Why don't you ever cook anything decent!?" Rick screetches at the hippy next to him

"Oh that's right Rick, just bring me down after I spent all day cooking--" Neil starts

"All day!? It took you all day to cook this load of puke!?" Rick interjects, stopping in his tracks when the faint sound of singing can be heard again at the front door.

"Right, this time these bastards are going to really regret this!" Vyvyan yells and gets his cricket bat from the other side of the room before going to the front door again, "Piss off you bastards!!" He screams and whacks one of them over the head whilst the others run for cover. "If you come back I'll kill you!" he adds before slamming the door and returning to his tea.

"Vyvyan! Was that really neccessary!?" Rick exclaims


"Oh really? Well I don't think it was at all--" Rick starts

"Look, I hate to break up a party but no ones having fun." Mike says calmly

Rick and Vyvyan share a slightly perplexed look before the punk stands up, "At least Bastard Squad's on the telly soon!" he announces jumping over the back of the sofa and gets comfy.

"Well guys I'm off to Bedfordshire, there's a lot of ladies there I don't want to dissapoint." Mike says and goes upstairs.

"I'm gonna go and finish painting my astrological star chart..." Neil announces and leaves the punk and the still sulking anarchist alone in the drawing room. Vyvyan just flicks the V in Neil's general direction in way of saying 'goodnight'. Rick, as usual, ignores the hippy.

Rick goes over to the sofa to find Vyvyan lying across it. "Move up then Vyvyan." Rick demands.

Snearing at the sociology student Vyvyan grudgingly moves to make room for Rick. "This stuff is so reactionary!" Rick whines after a minute.

"Rick, shut up." the punk says and Rick goes back into 'sulk mode'.

Whilst he's giving his mouth a rest, Rick's brain actually has chance to work and his thought train leads him to his parents. This is his first Christmas without them and he's not looking forward to it. He wouldn't miss the going to church part as he'd never believed in God anyway, but he'd miss the presents, his mum's cooking, his dad getting drunk and passing out in front of the telly, then waking up hours later and they'd engross themselves in debates about Thatcher, Cliff Richard, Sociology and anarchy. All he was likely to get this christmas was food poisoning and a dozen new bruises from a drunk Vyvyan. He still really missed his parents, though he tried not to show it.

Bastard Squad finished and Vyvyan realised that Rick had been quiet for at least 15 minutes, this was not normal behaviour for the mouthy student. "What's up with you, poof?"

"What?" Rick snaps, pulled abruptly out of his thoughts.

"Well it's just, you don't seem to be suffering from your normal case of verbal diarreah." Vyv sneers

"I was thinking Vyvyan, it's not something you'd know about seeing as you haven't got a brain!" Rick returns, Vyvyan pulling his usual mocking faces throughout the outburst, then flicking the anarchist the V. "I'm off to bed." he announces, starting to get up.

"Vyvyan..." Rick says, sounding hesitant and a bit nervous.

"What?" Vyvyan asks settling back into his seat, looking slightly annoyed.

"Why don't you like Christmas?" the younger lad asks, curious.

"Because it's crap." Vyvyan states.

"But why?" Rick pushes

Vyvyan sighs, "Because everyone makes out it's such a big thing and that everyone's happy and gets presents. Well it's never like that. It's just an excuse for your mum's nob end of a boyfriend to get pissed and beat the shit out of--" Vyvyan stops suddenly realising he's said too much. "It's just a load of bollocks, OKAY!?" he yells at Rick, grabbing the smaller lad by his shirt collar and pulling him closer "And if you repeat anything I just told you to ANYONE, I'll KILL you!!" Vyv then gets up and stomps upstairs, slamming his bedroom door.

Rick is left alone in the drawing room. What a sad story Vyvyan Basterd's life was... at least Rick had had a decent childhood. He might be stuck in this dive now with a depressed hippy, an narcissistic 'cool' guy and a psychotically violent punk but the first 18 years of his life had been fairly good to him. Vyvyan on the other hand... he'd had no father figure for the first 8 years of his life, and a detached bitch for a mother. Then when he turned 12 he got put into care, Rick never managed to find out why until now. He'd been beaten obviously, and social services had intervened. It almost made him feel sorry for the punk.

Vyvyan sat on his bed and started carving into the wall with his dagger. "Stupid bastard...why did you say that?" he says to himself, Never talk about your past! His mind yells at him. Merry bloody christmas... he thinks as the clock chimes midnight. Just then, there's a gentle knock on his door.

"Piss off." he replies but the door opens anyway and Rick peers round. "What do you want poof!?"

Taking this as an invitation to go inside, Rick walks in and closes the door behind him, concealing something behind his back. Vyvyan is staring at him, looking a mixture of perplexed and pissed off. Rick edges towards the punk nervously, before revealing what he'd been hiding, holding it out for Vyvyan to take. "What's this?"

"Merry Christmas Vyvyan." the anarchist says quietly, looking very nervy as if he expected Vyvyan to hit him. In turn, the punk, still looking extremely confused, takes the gift which is haphazardly wrapped in newspaper and opens it. It was a bottle of vodka. Although he'd never tell Rick, Vyv was really very touched by this gesture, no one had ever gotten him a christmas present before...no one had ever got him a present at all for that matter.

Vyvyan looks at Rick. "You're not going all poofy are you?"

"What!? No! I...I just thought I'd get you a present for Christmas, what's poofy about that!?" Rick shouts a bit too loudly.

"So you don't fancy me then?" Vyv asks, enjoying the way Rick is blushing bright red.

"No! Of course I don't Vyvyan!" Rick denies

"Alright." Vyv concedes and opens the bottle, taking a swig and passes it to Rick. "I didn't get you anything so you can have some if you want."

Rick eyes the bottle cautiously, then against his better judgement takes a swig himself, then nearly chokes on it, coughing profusely.

"Girlie." Vyvyan laughs and takes the bottle back.

"Shut up." Rick says when he's recovered, lighting a ciggarette. Vyv takes another swig of vodka and passes it back to Rick in exchange for a ciggarette for himself.

They just sit for a few minutes smoking and drinking, Rick can feel the alcohol's affects already. Feeling bolder, he plucks up the courage to ask Vyvyan...

"So er..." Clears his throat, "What would happen, exactly...If I did, y'know...fancy you?" Rick asks looking anywhere but at Vyvyan.

"I'd either kill you or kiss you." Vyv states.

"I thought so-- sorry, what?"

"Well it'd depend what mood I was in." the punk explains calmly, the vodka mellowing him out slightly.

"I see...and uh, what mood are you in now Vyvyan?"

"Why? You saying you DO fancy me now?" the older lad asks, putting his bottle of vodka on the floor.

"No! Well...maybe..." Rick replies, turning redder by the second. Vyvyan just grabs hold of Rick's shirt collar and pulls him close as he had done earlier that night. Rick braces himself for the worst and nearly dies of shock when the punk's mouth meets his in a crushing kiss.

Fueled by lust and vodka Rick allows Vyvyan to push him back onto the bed, the punk positioning himself on top of him. Vyvyan deepens the kiss and reaches down with one hand, grabbing Rick's left leg and pulling it to one side so he's inbetween the anarchist's legs, then starts grinding himself against his hip. Rick moans into Vyv's mouth and the punk gently tugs one of Rick's pig tails in response. Then without warning, Vyv sits up so he's kneeling inbetween Rick's legs and rips the anarchist's shirt open, buttons flying everywhere.

"Vyvyan!" Rick protests "Was there really any need to--"

In an effort to shut the whining boy up Vyv leans down and bites Rick's neck, hard. The noise that escapes the anarchist's mouth is a mix of a moan and a hiss of pain. Vyvyan smiles against Rick's skin and licks the already reddening patch. He sits up again, pulling Rick with him and divesting him completely of his shirt. Rick, in turn removes Vyvyan's denim jacket and t-shirt, leaving only the bike chain around the punk's neck.

Rick just has time to think that this is by far the best christmas present he's ever had before Vyvyan's on him again, kissing him hotly before moving down his jaw, alternating between kisses and bites. Rick tries to keep himself in check, but can't help moaning when Vyv's teeth scrape across the sensitive skin of his neck, the punk then leaving yet another mark on the anarchist.

That morning the punk wakes up to find a half naked sociology student in his bed. "Rick! Rick! Get up, now."

"Vyvyan? What-" Rick starts, still half asleep.

"I said get up!" Vyvyan shouts, pushing the anarchist out of bed. This rudely awakens Rick and he stands up, hands on hips, glaring at Vyvyan.

"There was no need for that you bastard!"

"Will you keep your voice down Rick! Do you want Mike and Neil to know we're a pair of poofs?" Vyvyan snarls, sitting up and putting his t-shirt on.

"I am not a poof!" Rick denies, picking up his now buttonless grey shirt.

"Oh no?" Vyvyan asks, somewhat amused, "You were one last night!"

"Shut up, shut up!" Rick hisses, pulling his shirt on he catches sight of himself in the small grubby mirror on Vyvyan's wall. "Oh ruddy brilliant!" he exclaims, turning and pointing to the trail of red marks down his neck and collarbone. "And how do you propose I explain these?" he asks, secretly thrilled.

Vyvyan just shrugs. "That's your problem, I'm off out."

"Out? Where?"

"Bloody hell Rick, you're not gonna be like this from now on are you?!" Vyvyan snaps, losing his temper.

"Like what exactly!?" Rick shouts in return

Neil and Mike meet on the landing on their way to the kitchen.

"Wow, heavy...what's up with them?" Neil asks Mike

"Lover's tiff I spose." Mike says offhandedly and carries on to the kitchen.

"Oh wow, yeah...of course." the hippy says slowly, as if finally understanding something amazing and follows Mike to make a start on breakfast.

"Like a total girlie, poof! That's what! It's Christmas day, I'm going to the pub to get plastered!" Vyvyan bellows, putting on his denim jacket and throwing open his bedroom door.

"Fine!" Rick yells, following, "Well don't expect a repeat of last night when you get back!"

Vyvyan just flicks the V behind him as he stomps downstairs, leaving Rick alone on the landing. "Bastard..." Rick mutters and goes to find another shirt.