THAT'S WHY THERE'S A HANDLE

Having seen the outtakes on the boxed set of Season 2 DVDs, I realised our heroes sometimes have trouble with doors on the set of Torchwood. Here's what happened to each member of the team when they came up against a locked door.


Chapter One: Ianto

Jack bit his lip, clenched his fists until the nails dug into his palms painfully, even hummed the annoying theme tune to Eastenders but nothing could distract him. He could feel the laughter bubbling inside him and he couldn't keep it in. Finally, he gave up the struggle and let out a loud bellow of laughter. He continued to laugh until the tears rolled down his face and he could barely breathe. The unaccustomed sound so startled Toshiko that she pressed the wrong key on her keyboard and deleted all her work for the past hour. She looked up to see what had caused such an outburst. Her lips quivered, her hand crept to cover her mouth and she let out several squeaks of laughter that gave a pleasing counterpoint to Jack's deeper guffaws.

The source of their hilarity stood just inside the door to the Hub. He did not find anything to laugh about. "Have you finished?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"No," gasped Jack, bent double and leaning on the railing. "You look ... you look ..." He could not get the words out, he was laughing way too much.

"I look what?" asked Ianto, for it was indeed he who was being laughed at. "Consider carefully, Jack," he warned, "the quality of your coffee for the next week depends on your answer."

"Not to mention that your bed may be cold and lonely for quite some time!" interjected Owen, standing behind Ianto. He was grinning; having seen the state of the Welshman earlier his laughter had run its course.

"I'm sorry, Ianto," managed Jack, attempting to control himself. He looked away, thinking that would help, but when he looked back he just collapsed into giggles again.

"How did it happen?" asked Toshiko, still emitting odd squeaks and giggles every few minutes.

"Do you want to tell 'em or shall I?" asked Owen, putting down the heavy equipment case. Ianto shot him a look of such venom that even he quailed. "Come on, mate, they're going to find out. Besides," he added, "Jack's got to sign off an a new suit and shoes."

Jack finally managed to look at Ianto and not laugh. He was still grinning hugely but he was now in control. "Come on, Ianto, what on Earth happened? How did you manage to end up like that?" He walked down the steps and circled him, inspecting his torn clothing.

He had sent the two men out to monitor a member of a gang which had found a Tyskil greeting card. These cards were sentimental mementoes to their creators but on Earth they could be used in ATM machines, by-passing security; the gang had stolen over £50,000 in 24 hours. It was supposed to be a simple operation. All Owen and Ianto had to do was follow the gang member, one Bryn Davies, until he met his confederates and then bring them all in. It should have been a piece of cake.

Instead, here was Ianto in shredded trousers, the right leg hanging in three long, tattered strips from the crotch, exposing a pleasing flash of dark blue briefs; a jacket missing a pocket and with a torn lapel on the right side; and one shoe. Sawdust and plaster liberally covered him. Ianto also had a lump on his forehead, just above the right eye.

Accepting the inevitable, Ianto sighed heavily. "We followed Davies until he met the others. The gang went into an office block and holed up in a room on the fourth floor. There was only the one way in or out and we had it covered. Owen ordered them out but they wouldn't come. So I broke down the door. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, the gang escaped though they left the card behind." Ianto pointedly stopped there, determined to say no more. He made to move away but Jack put a restraining hand on his arm.

Jack frowned and looked at Owen inquiringly. "There's gotta be more," he said.

"Oh, there is," he agreed, sitting on the equipment box and resting his elbows on his knees. "Our esteemed Tea-Boy decides to use the old kick to the lock, like he's seen you do. But he didn't look at the door properly, did he? Didn't see that it was flimsy old plywood. There was nothing to it, so when Ianto goes in all gung-ho and brings his foot up to the lock it goes right through. All of a sudden he has half a door between his legs pressing hard against the old wedding tackle!" He grinned wider at the memory. "The door swings open from the force of his attack – and believe me he gave it some welly – and he has to go with it, mincing forward on his tippy-toes. The gang can't believe it and rushes forward, grabs the door and bangs it fully open, back against the wall with Ianto tiptoeing along with it. His head meets the wall and he gets the bump on the head. The gang sees its chance, rushes me and legs it. They were running so fast they left the card."

Jack and Toshiko were in hysterics, trying to picture the usually so immaculate and proper Ianto in such a predicament. Owen was laughing too, thoroughly enjoying embarrassing Ianto. Only the subject of the tale remained distinctly unimpressed.

"That explains the suit," gasped Toshiko, "but what about the shoe?"

"Oh, he threw that down a drain when we were coming out," replied Owen cheerfully.

"I did not," said Ianto coldly. "I threw it at you and you ducked." With that he walked away, limping both from the loss of his shoe and from the tenderness of an intimate part of his anatomy, to the changing rooms. The dark blue briefs were on show with every step he took. His colleagues collapsed in more fits of laughter.


Jack watched as the coffee mug was placed on his desk. He lifted it to his nose and sniffed suspiciously; it smelt okay but Ianto was tricky, he could have doctored it. He cautiously took a sip and found it tasted okay too. Relaxing, he looked at the bearer of the beverage. In a clean suit and a complete pair of shoes, Ianto looked his usual immaculate self. Jack smiled. The smile broadened as he remembered how Ianto had looked only a hour before; the smile became a grin; the grin became a snigger.

"You're never going to forget, are you?" sighed the Welshman, resigned.

"I hope not. I haven't had a laugh like that for a long time." He took another sip of his coffee. "Ah, come on. You've got to admit it was funny."

"I suppose, if it hadn't been me," he conceded. He smiled slightly but then a worried look crossed his face. He looked at the floor.

"What is it?" asked Jack, that look concerned him. "What's wrong?"

"We're not sure. Owen said it may be ... No, I'm sure it's nothing but there's no way of knowing. Injuries like that, well ..." his voice faded away.

"What?" demanded Jack, scared. Had that bump on the head been more serious than it looked? He got up and stood in front of him. "What!?"

Ianto looked up, his eyes flashing with mischief. "An injury ... down there, well, it could be nasty. Owen said I should ... experiment ... dabble." Jack's grin returned. "Care to give me a hand?"

Jack's bellow of laughter echoed around the Hub and once again Toshiko inadvertently deleted her work.