A.N: Well, I haven't done a one-shot in a while. Canon Pairings, although that doesn't matter much. Bella is not a vampire yet, so this can happen anytime before BD. OOC Because of all of the secrets each character has. Kelly makes another appearance, as well as her amazing shoes. It's rated T because I'm paranoid. I do not hate Rose, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Bella, Carlisle Esme or Edward, and I'm sorry if it comes across so in here; it's just the secrets that make my fingers type. That's about it, so… Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own twilight. –Cries- Trust me, if I did, this would be ten times better. And, you know, I would be rich.
Well, you know how every family are supposed to not have secrets? Do you know how it is kinda hard to keep a secret when you have a mind reader, a physic and another crazy dude who can muck around with your feelings in your family? Well, somehow, the Cullen's manage it, until they let their guard down.
No one knows her secret. She did a darn good job of hiding it. I don't even want to know how she hid it from Jasper. I mean, how do they-? Never mind. Plus, Kelly has a secret. Secretly, she hates all shoes. SHOES!
She has always said that she wore boxers because they were comfy. She was lying. She always said that men's shoes were comfy. She was lying. SHOES!
She was talking to Edward when she thought about how hot Rosalie was. Accidentally. Edward raised an eyebrow yet continued to talk, and his facial expressions went unnoticed. Then Bella made the mistake of walking in, and Alice had a very strong graphic image of them in Alice's bed doing… well, you don't want to know. Edwards' fist came down hard on the table, and his foot stomped against the wooden floor. This was the part where Alice looked at his feet and noticed a new pair of shoes. SHOES!
"You're not even listening!"
"I am liste-"
"Don't, lie to me! I just saw you thinking about my Bella… Bella… doing… doing things I don't want you to think of!"
"Wha… what do you mean? Me?! I'm not a lesbian!"
"I know, but you either have a pair of socks down your pants or…"
"Well… You know…"
Just as Edward was about to let her know, Jasper came strolling though the door in an unusually feminine fashion. Well, not unusual for him, but unusual for a married male vampire. Alice looked at his feet and noticed a new pair of shoes. SHOES! We don't know why Alice constantly looks at people's feet, but we think she has developed a fetish for them. That and shoes, that people effectively wear on their feet, henceforth the fetish for feet. SHOES!
"Hello, beautifully people! Isn't it a wonderful day? –Slits wrists- -Cries- No! Why is my life so shit?! –Twirls on the spot- Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee!"
As you may have noticed, Jasper is rather prone to mood swings. That and to buying immense amounts of…
Anyway, yes, so Jasper is a sensitive soul. I advise you not say anything about shoes, being gay, being homophobic, talk about leaving, think about leaving, dream about leaving, sigh heavily –this makes him restless- roll around in your sleep, roll your eyes, cry, wish to die, die, accidentally die, non-accidentally die, cliff dive, talk about war, think about war, dream about war, ask about his scars, stare at his scars, think about his scars, dream about his scars, tell him that he does not suit his army pants, tell him he does suit his army pants, wonder why he still has army pants even if he can still fit in them, tell him that he has too much war hammer, tell him he does not have enough war hammer, tell him that all his war hammer is crap even if it is, think that all his war hammer is crap; I don't know how he would know, but believe me, he would know…
… make fun of him when he stands next to Emmett because he is really skinny and has no muscles what so ever, make fun of him when he stands next to Edward for the same reason as before, constantly remind him that he could never be Rosalie's twin because he is too darn ugly, throw holy water at him and shout 'the power of Christ compels you!', think about throwing holy water at him whilst shouting 'the power of Christ compels you!', dream about throwing holy water at him while shouting 'the power of Christ compels you!' and walk into the Cullen household when in a top-to-toe garlic suit as this irritates his nose and also kills him but we are more worried about the nose irritation thing.
You should also think twice about calling Jasper Edwards side kick, and constantly call him Yaio boy, and then call Alice Yuri girl, because there is a chance that Jasper will smell your blood on your eighteenth birthday when you slice your finger open on a birthday present that your vampire boyfriend bought you and he will do one of two things: Kill himself because you just got a paper cut, or eat you. Either way is rather dramatic, but you can choose when you call him Yaio boy.
So now, all of the Cullen children are staring at Jasper, confused looks about their faces. You would be too, if you had just witnessed what they had. Edward had now started to fidget because everyone was staring at Jasper, who was standing next to Edward, which made Edward feel as if he was being watched, and his disguise might slip at any moment. He had a sudden urge to rip off his shirt, put on sum blingin' chainz n get hi on pot n bowl it out da door singin' sum song dat makes im seem well ard. Bruv. But, him being the gentleman, he resisted.
Rosalie, you may have been wondering about her because she did enter the room earlier, yet no one cares about her because she was only looking in the mirror, sways into the kitchen, to find her demonic mother whipping some eggs, flour and whatever else you use to make stuff. She did originally put shoes inside, but then realised that Jasper would kill her if she got dough on his new shoes. SHOES.
We are not even sure why she is baking things, because she won't eat them anyway. Over time, she has begun to bake mass amounts of cookies, sit them in the middle of the table, and then bake some more. She would repeat this process until she has either no more batter she would make some more or she had no more table. She would buy some more. Then, in the evenings, usually at twilight, she would sit around the table, and stare at her cookies. If anyone dares approach, she would hunch over them, covering them with her arms, muttering 'My Precious'. This was rather often, especially since Carlisle had recently developed the need to clean everything incredibly thoroughly.
Once, Esme had forced Emmett to eat her cookies to tell her what they taste like. The answer was dirt. Then, she asked Carlisle. Never being able to deny her anything, he said yes. They tasted like dirt. Asking Edward, she had a breakdown. We won't tell you about it though, because it is not very important, unless you are one of those crazy people who like to know lots of stuff. Even if you are one of those people, we still won't tell you.
As Rose sits at the table where Esme's 'precious'' sit, Carlisle bustles through the room, pink apron around his waist, duster in one hand and polish in the other.
"Esme!" Carlisle sighed. "Must you get so much dirty? And why put the cookies on a plate? It's just getting the plate dirty, and we can't have that! Why can't you make them float? More to the point, why bake them in the first place? No one eats them, and then you get your clothes dirty when you bury the cookies!"
Bury… the cookies? I hear you ask. Yes, well, because no one eats the precious cookies, she buries them. She says that if her family does not eat them, then the wildlife can. So she takes all of her cookies out into the forest, and buries them. She actually digs a hole, and puts the cookies inside the hole, then fills the hole up again. I'm not even kidding.
So, as Esme the baker, as she insists everyone calls her, was baking many things that could possibly be baked, Alice gave up in her quest to prove her sexuality, and with the still very graphic image of Bella in a very compromising position, she left to have a cold shower. Even though she hardly notices it when it's like… -10 degrees, and she doesn't need to shower anyway, but you could say that she didn't really need shoes either, but then that would make Kelly feel bad, and Jaspers whole life would have been a lie.
So, just to remind you, you lovely readers you, we have a dumbfounded Edward, who is still trying not to strip and sho of his blingin chainz n fxkin dnce 2 dat kl sng, a Jasper who is still trying to remember what he did with that red stiletto, and where he left his razor, Rosalie being Rosalie who has a really big secret that we shall share with you soon, Esme doing a lot of baking, and Carlisle cleaning. Everything. And when I say he cleans everything, I mean everything. He even polishes Jaspers many shoes. SHOES. Bella has not done much apart from walk in the room. Typical human. She really needs to become a vampire otherwise Edward will get bored with her soon and realise that he made a huge mistake and that I am really the one for him, and I don't fall over a lot and all of those other things that Bella does that is incredibly annoying just because she is not a vampire, but that is a completely different story, so we wont go into that. Also, where is Emmett?
Well, Emmett was at therapy, but he has recently returned home just after Alice left for that shower. He entered the room unusually sullen. Why so sullen Emmett Cullen?! Poor Emmett is not the person he thought he was. The big bear we know of that wears a button down shirt, now wears no shirt at all. Well, not a button down one anyway. Because, dear readers, the buttons on his shirt tried to eat him. So did the doorbell – button. As well as the buttons in his jeep.
'Emmett…' Called the Mr. Button King of all buttons. Mr. Button King of all buttons had let his guard down and now Emmett knows of his secret empire in Esme's sewing box. So Mr. Button King of all buttons has no choice but to eat Emmett. Before he knew it, all of the buttons on all of Emmett's shirts were soon either going to revolt against Emmett, or eat him. So now, Emmett wears nothing but vests and sweat pants, as his normal jeans also had buttons on the top. He had tried once walking around button-less on his jeans and super-glue-ing the fly to them up, but then he realised that he accidentally super-glued the zip to his boxers too. Now Mr. Button King of all buttons is aware that Emmett cannot live without his buttons. He is also aware that Emmett cannot get lucky with Rose anymore, because she finds Emmett in sweat pants a huge turn off. We don't know why, but we think that she is conspiring against Emmett, and we say that she joined the buttons. Probally because she has a fetish about them. Which is probally why Emmett always gets laid when he is wearing jeans, because Rose is aware of the buttons presence, which makes he feel all warm and fizzy inside.
'Come out come out wherever you are…'
The whole of the family – apart from Alice because she is being unusually hygienic for a vampire – are now staring and a shaking Emmett who was standing in the doorway, having only just entered the room. Carlisle dropped all of his cleaning utensils, and edged closer to Emmett.
"Emmett, it's okay. Daddy is here."
"No Mr. Button King of all buttons, back away! Leave me alone! I will not be sewn into your schemes! I will not convert! You will never take me alive!" Emmett screamed at Carlisle desperately, cowering into a ball in the corner as Carlisle continued forward.
No one was paying attention to anyone apart from Emmett, so, as Rosalie shook her head sharply, no one noticed her hair slip to the side. She mentally cursed the chemist. He said that the wig glue would keep it in place for at least ten days. Liar. She will have to eat him later. After readjusting herself, she walked over beside Emmett, and joined him on the floor. Leaning her head against his, and wrapping her arms around his hunched shoulders, she shooed the family away.
Today, Esme decided to make a dinner of cookies. While Emmett composed himself, the rest of the family gathered around the table. We don't know why, because none of them will eat the cookies, again. We think that Esme should make lots and run to a place that could actually eat them, or is that way too much of a crazy idea? Upon entering the room, the family prepared to say grace.
"Thank you, lord Dracula for this meal. Amen-blood."
As the family 'dug in' they really just began to stare at their plates and Rosalie's face fell forward to stare at the 'meal' before her, a cloud of blonde covered he cookie.
"HA! Rose looks like an egg!" Alice screeched. If you didn't notice her walk in after her shower, she did.
"Oh… I wondered why my head suddenly go so cold-… Shit!" She has now run out of the room screaming like a little girl. I don't know what else she would run out screaming like, but the little girl description suited just fine. Alice and Jasper were laughing because of Jaspers mood swings and he had just found that red stiletto shoe. SHOES and Alice was laughing because she was being a male/female retard. And because she though her joke was insanely funny, which it really was not. The rest of the family stared at the empty seat Rose had once filled. Them Emmett's loud voice echoed throughout the whole house.
"NO! ROSE! Not in there, the buttons will eat you! Or even worse, you might move my Mr. Snufflekins! He was perfectly sat this morning! Don't do it!" Emmett continued these kind of comments of un-encouragement until his voice was not longer heard.
If you haven't noticed, which you probally haven't because she is relatively un-important, Bella has been removed from the equation because she is not a vampire yet therefore not cool enough to be in this story any longer. Let us say that she was kidnapped by the evil Mr. Button King of all buttons and she has been forced to work as his slave for the rest of eternity.
Jasper was rather quiet, I'm not sure if you have noticed, but it was because he was too depressed to be bothered to say anything. Somehow, the cookie that Esme made him made him turn from singing 'I feel pretty…' to slitting his wrists. It may have something to do with the smiley face Esme painted on the cookie. Jasper in his army pants and his favourite war hammer piece was excused from the table and he left to drown himself in self-pity and sorrow.
Esme is still baking cookies. She has actually found a kids cook book that is teaching her how to make muffins. Muffins! Cunningham muffins is teaching her how to make a blood muffin, so that she can make Emmett eat it again. Actually, she could make any kind of muffin and still make Emmett eat it, but she thought she would be nice and make him a blood muffin. Well, it's better than a newspaper muffin, or a fire muffin. But not better than a pecan muffin or a shoes muffin.
Carlisle is still telling Esme to stop baking cookies because she is getting everything, including his shoes, dirty. After being a crap doctor and failing miserably with helping Emmett when he had a breakdown earlier, her re-picked-up his utensils and cleaned each vampire thoroughly as they entered the dining room. He said that any 'unclean soul' would be noticed and would have to stare at their cookie in another room, unless they wanted Carlisle to give them a personal hand bath. All apart from Jasper refused the offer of a hand-bath. What Jasper did not know, was that it was a hand-bath of acid.
I don't know what to do with Alice and Edward who are still sat at the table staring at their cookies.
-Has a brainwave-
Have you noticed that Edward and Alice are completely oblivious to everything around them? That is because they have been possessed by Mr. Button King of all buttons. This is a good thing for Alice, because she really loves Mr. Button King of all buttons, yet does not want anyone to know, she the only way that they can spend time together is if she is possessed. We don't even know why she loves him so, but let's not argue, or I will have to remind you of those freaky images of Alice and Bella getting it on. We don't know why I will have to remind you of this, but I like seeing you squirm.
"Can I ask you something?" Alice suddenly piped up, yet not tearing her eyes away from the cookie.
"Why do you think I'm a man?"
"Because you have a penis."
This is the part where Alice is being a bit of a dick. No pun intended. Tears well up in her eyes, although this is impossible because vampires can't cry because they… just can't, and her chair scrapes across the floor as she stands. And she stands. And she stands. Forever. No, not really, but I don't know what to make her do, so she can just stand there like a standing thing in standing land.
Edwards phone rings, because I can't think of anything else.
"Is this Edwin Cullen?"
"Um… Yes? … Charlie?!"
"Yes. I know your secret."
You would think after like… a long time, that Charlie would know Edward's name by now? Yeah, well he doesn't.
So, the world will end! Charlie knows Edwards secret passion. He loves it more than he loves anything. More than his little teddy bear. And that is saying something.
Ha! I was not planning on doing a second chapter, but I'm going to. If you haven't figured out his secret, you should probally read it again. You will have to review to see the next chapter! Now, if that is not bribery, I don't know what is.
I love you all.