A.N. I is back! Yuppie, this, my friends, is Mrs. Epilogue. Be nice now, or Mr. Epilogue will come bash you up. I hope you like it! I love you guys, and thanks so much for the lovely reviews! I hope it has made you ROFLMAO like it has me. –Smiles and waves-

Disclaiming: I own nothing, and nothing owns me.

Not So Secret Secrets

Mrs. Epilogue.

Ten years, a kidnapped Jackie Chan, a heart broken Bella and a confused Kelly later…

"Oh, Kelly!" Called Edward. "Oh, Kelly-kins!" He called, slightly louder.


"Kelly?" Edward yelled, frustrated, searching high and low.

"I wanna borrow that top."

"There you are Kelly!" he said, finding her amongst Alice's many clothes. "Here, let me help you up." He said, offering a hand.




"Kelly, what have I said about using that language?"

"Okay, betch." Edward gasped in horror, stumbling backwards and falling through the floorboards. We are not sure if you can actually fall though floorboards, but you can now. Well, Edward can, but maybe that's just because he is a vampire, or because of his amazing sexiness… Anyway, yeah, so he fell through the floorboards.

"Oh, my, god." Kelly said.

"What?!" Edward asked, getting back from… the floorboards.

"These shoes rule." She said, staring at an amazingly awesome pair of Alice's shoes.

"Oh, yeah totally." Edward said, rolling his eyes and getting up from the floorboards.

And then, he was never seen again. Kelly was still sat in Alice's room.


And they all died. The end.

Not really. I had you going there, didn't I?

I will tell you the story of how Kelly arrived in Twilight.

One day, when Kelly and Jackie Chan were out shopping, they saw Edward drinking some milk by a cookie stand. They were terrified of the Edward, and ran to hide in a cave. I have no idea why, but don't argue with the word document, okay? Okay. So, hiding in the cave, Jackie Chan was speechless, while Kelly was missing her shoes dearly. You would be too, if you were a Kelly.


Why were Kelly and Jackie Chan out shopping? Because they are secretly a couple very much in love and needed to buy some condoms. I actually have no idea why they were out shopping, but let's go with the previous idea. Just don't tell Edward that Jackie was taken; he will be heart broken, the poor soul. There are many poor/confused souls in this tale, aren't there? Hum, maybe I have a soft spot for them… creepy. Actually, you could choose one of the following:

Jackie Chan was going to have a sex-change operation because he really loves men, and he needed Kelly for moral support.

Kelly and Jackie were going to an alcoholic's anonymous meeting. But its not really anonymous if you are there, is it? That's a bit stupid. Stupid alcoholic anonymous meeting.

Jackie needed some new balls and wanted Kelly to help him pick them out.

Kelly's last pair of shoes died and she was going to the local church to book a funeral ceremony.

Kelly's brother died and she was going to the local church to thank god, and then to the confession's.

Yeah, any of the above can work if you are mentally deranged. If you are not mentally deranged and are one of those silly people who like to know lots of stuff, again, then my best way to explain logically to you people is to dress up as super man and make you bow down to me, and don't ask questions. But I don't think there are any of you silly people reading this. Or are there...? I actually have no idea, but suck it up.

Anyway, so they were hiding in a cave when Alice came skipping along. Literally.

"Oh Kelly!" She called, wearing a red hood. "Where are you, Kelly?" She asked, getting slightly worried. Basket in hand, she travelled deep into the cave, trembling in fear. "Kelly?" She called again, bringing her basket of goodies closer to her chest. That sounded really wrong, and if you are under twelve you may not have understood that. If you are under twelve, you shouldn't be reading this! Naughty naughty, go to your room! If you are already in you room then… good. "Kelly?" She repeated.

Finally she came across a flicker of light hanging on the wall, and gratefully took it within her grasp. She held it above her head slightly, illuminating the path ahead. After a long time she saw Kelly! Little vampire riding Alice squealed and jumped up and down, effectively dropping the fire. "Shit." She cursed. She quickly picked it up and walked over to where Kelly was sat.

"Kelly, guess what I bought you!" Alice said excitedly.

"Shoes." Was Kelly's answer.

"How did you know?!"

"That top."

"My top told you?"

"It's a cute top."

"Thanks…" Alice said, unsure of what the necessary reply would be. She just shrugged and opened up her basket.

Alice set eleven pairs of shoes in a row in front of Kelly. Kelly snapped her head to stare at the shoes, and shuffled towards the beginning of the row.

"These shoes rule." Kelly marvelled and the pink beauties in front of her. Shuffling over, she stared at the chunky black stilettos. "These shoes suck." She said, kicking them away. This process continues until Kelly was left with six ah-mazing shoes.

Alice placed the chosen ones back into her basket and got up, holding her hand out for Kelly to get up. Kelly stared at Alice's hand, and then stared at Alice. Her mouth hung open, and she looked as if she were highly confused, which she was. Eventually Kelly got up of her own accord, but she had been looking at Alice's hand for so long that Alice was now dead. Shame, but you know, someone had to die. Sorry Alice.

Kelly took the basket of shoes and walked out of the cave.

Somehow she managed to get back to the Cullen house.

"Oh, Kelly!" Fussed Carlisle. Let's call him Carly. "It has been too long!" He muttered as he dusted her down. "What's in the basket Kelly? Will it need cleaning?" When Carly just received a long hard stare from Kelly he began to feel uncomfortable and fled the room to compulsively clean something that didn't need cleaning.

Next thing Kelly knew, she was eating cookies. But not just any old cookies, Esme's home made blood cookies! Yum!

And then all of a sudden, a gun shot rippled throughout the whole of the world. Dun dun duuun! We go to England next, to look at the poor victim who turns out to be…

Oh no!

Natalie has been killed by a flying gun! And therefore, since the author has been killed (and is totally not writing this right now) all of the characters will die too.

Poor Twilight characters…

A.N. Lmao. I know, that ended a bit weird, but I am tired and running out of ideas!

Don't forget to flame, lol. I bet I get at least one flame… that epilogue was awful. *shrugs*

Sorry! If you leave me a review I will love you forever.

Thanks for reading! :)