She didn't want to hear it, didn't want to know how Cuddy felt. She knew though, but she had always been pretty good at ignoring. Ignorance is bliss, for Thirteen, it just meant she could live. It was a survival technique. And she didn't want to hear Cuddy tell her how she felt because she knew the older woman loved her, and that, that would hurt.
Because she was dying.
Damn House and his pushing, always pushing. He wanted to know, she didn't, his personality was as strong as hers, his need stronger, and he pushed and pushed and now, now she was open to as much heartbreak as Cuddy.
Their relationship had started just before the test, and now Thirteen loved her, and was dying and couldn't bear to hear Cuddy tell her how she felt, good or bad, because she wasn't going to be around for much longer. Not as the woman she was now, not as the woman Cuddy...loved.
She couldn't remember ever crying this much. Not over a relationship, not since her mother had died. And not because she was going to die, but because she was going to break Cuddy's heart and she really, really didn't want to do that.
She was in too deep now, if she stepped away, away from them, or told Lisa she was positive for Huntington's, she'd hurt the woman. She'd been hurt enough as far as Remy was concerned.
Lisa liked to kiss her on the forehead, when she greeted her at home, a soft sweet kiss and a shy hello, a completely different side to the woman that had spent the day running the hospital and shouting at House. She did it every day, just one moment where she wasn't the Lisa Cuddy everyone else knew, but the woman, the woman Remy felt a great deal for.
"What's wrong?" Her voice was the same, but Remy heard different, softness? Tenderness? Affection? Something, she wasn't sure what, wasn't sure of anything when it came to Lisa really. Still, even after the few intense months they'd spent together.
She watched as the older woman stripped off her coat and hung it up, putting her things away before dropping onto the sofa next to Remy and smiling, reaching out to run her fingers through her hair before leaning over and kissing her.
"Nothing, just tired," she said, smiling.
"Have you eaten?"
Just because Lisa had fallen in love (damn) and given her the key to her sanctuary, didn't mean Remy was comfortable enough to do much more than let herself in and slump onto the other woman's sofa. She shook her head and Lisa got up again.
"I'll make us something," she said, startled when Remy grabbed her hand and pulled back down onto the sofa next to her.
"In a minute," she said, kissing her on the lips and pulling her close.
She wanted to push her away but couldn't let go, she wrapped her arms around her and kissed hard, demanding everything she could get from Lisa because she was she it was never going to be enough, not in the meagre time they had left together.
"I know something's wrong Remy," she whispered between kisses, puffs of air brushing over her cheeks.
"There's always going to be something wrong," she told her, pulling back to look into her eyes for a moment. Realisation hit Lisa and she pulled the young woman close, cradling in her.
"I'll stay with you, by your side, the whole time," she whispered, kissing the top of her hair, her soft brown hair. "I, lo-" Remy kissed her, cut of her words, she couldn't bare to hear them.
"Don't say it," she said, voice hard, holding back her own emotion. Neither of them were going to cry, but Remy felt it, pushing.
"I want to, I mean it."
"I know you do," she said, pulling back and kissing her, hard again, pulling back and bringing Lisa down with her, lying on top of her on the sofa. With a sigh, the older woman settled between Remy's legs, hands going to her face, thumbs to cheeks to feel for tears and Remy wondered sometimes how well the other woman knew her. But then, their relationship had gone quickly and now everything had to remain at that pace because she was running out of time.
She pushed the man from her mind and continued to kiss Lisa, her lips were plump and soft, her hands gentle on her face as she was caressed. Remy moved her own hands up under Lisa's blouse, smoothing her hands over the soft skin of her back. For the tough woman she was on the exterior, her body betrayed her, or would do if she let anyone close enough. Anyone other than Remy, and House.
He was at fault her, not her genetics and she was angry, but couldn't do anything with that energy other than fuck Lisa into a sobbing mess on the sofa. Without letting her anger out.
She could do that.
Except, she ended up being the one who was sobbing. Lisa Cuddy between her spread legs, her jeans in a heap on the floor, an untidy little spot in the other woman's neat lounge, lean hands gripping her thighs, thumbs caressing the skin there, while her fingers dug in hard, leaving red marks. Lisa's tongue pushing, pushing into her body, then pulling back to tease her clit a little and all Remy could do was lie there helpless and let Lisa fuck her.
Let Lisa love her.
She came when she felt those soft plump lips close around her clit and suck hard, slim hips arching up, back threatening to break, Lisa moving with her, still sucking for a moment longer, before pressing down with the flat of her tongue.
"Love you Lisa, love you, love you, love you," she sobbed out, shaking a little as Lisa lapped at her body, soothing, shushing her. When she collapsed against the sofa cushions, sweaty and shaky, her shirt pushed up to her neck, bra pulled down, Lisa moved up and kissed her, hands on her face, thumbs on her cheeks again, an amused huff of air blown across Remy's face when she found them dry.
"I'm dying," she whispered, eyes closed from pleasure at first, but now, to hide Lisa from her view. Hide the woman's love from her view. She didn't need to say it anymore. In her head, House replied 'orgasm that good huh?' and she wondered if this is what it was like for Lisa, for everyone, once they let House push them, and successfully tip them over.
"I'll make us something to eat," Lisa said, kissing her on the forehead and sitting up. Remy opened her eyes and found her smiling down at her. When she was gone, Remy was sure she'd burst into tears, finally, so she quickly rearranged her clothes and grabbed her jeans. She made Lisa laugh trying to get into them, and walk after her at the same time, and decided that maybe later tonight, she'd let Lisa say the words. She didn't have to listen.