A Tomato and a Punch in the Face, a naruto fanfic

Disclaimer: I am way too poor to own any of these characters. I merely abuse them for my own personal amusement.

Summary: For Sasuke's thirteenth birthday, Naruto got him a tomato and a punch in the face. It must be love! Naruto/Sasuke.

Author's Note: Written for Kally's birthday. Happy birthday, Kally! I got you gay ninja porn. :D

A Tomato and a Punch in the Face
by Kantayra

For Sasuke's thirteenth birthday, Naruto got him a tomato and a punch in the face.

"Naruto, you idiot!" Sakura yelled at the top of her lungs as her fist crashed into the top of his skull. "How dare you hit Sasuke-kun on his birthday!"

"But he needed it!" Naruto insisted, desperately trying to avoid Sakura's pummeling fists and only half succeeding. "The jerk's already got too much of a swell head as it is!"

"Apologize now!" Sakura insisted venomously, all but foaming at the mouth.

"No," Naruto insisted stubbornly, his arms crossed over his chest.

Sakura tackled him to the ground, and they vanished into a cloud of dust, screams, and the occasional errant limb.

Sasuke watched them dispassionately for a moment, the tomato in one hand, the box of chocolates Sakura had gotten him on the other, and a growing bruise swelling under his left eye. "Hn." His nose scrunched up in distaste as he looked down at the box of sweets. "You want these?" He all but shoved them into the open pages of Kakashi's book.

Kakashi took them happily and began munching away as he continued to profoundly ignore the two of his students who were trying to murder each other.

Sasuke rubbed the tomato clean on his shirt and ate it slowly, savoring every bite, with a small, secretive smile on his face.

For Naruto's thirteenth birthday, Sasuke got him a coupon for free ramen and a shove over the side of the bridge.

"Bastard!" Naruto screeched at the top of his lungs when his head emerged from the water, spitting and hacking as he thrashed around in the depths of the stream.

Sasuke watched him from the bridge, looking smug and very dry. "Idiot."

Naruto got his chakra under control and made it to the surface of the water before leaping up onto the bridge and tackling his asshole of a rival. He couldn't help grinning when the water from his clothes dripped all over Sasuke. Soon they were both wet, tangled together, and trying to strangle each other for all they were worth.

"Knock it off, Naruto!" Sakura yelled at them, finally grabbing hold of the back of Naruto's jacket and yanking him back off Sasuke. "You deserved it for hitting Sasuke-kun on his birthday, anyway."

"Hey!" Naruto was about to protest because no way was it his fault that Sasuke had pushed him, but then Sakura shoved her present at him, and Naruto was too busy shredding wrapping paper and hugging Sakura and waving his new mittens around to remember why he was mad in the first place.

"Hn." Sasuke turned his nose up at the sight of Naruto bouncing around Sakura and pointedly began wringing the water out of his shirt.

It didn't save him from being dragged out for free ramen that evening, though.

For Sasuke's fourteenth birthday, Naruto sent him another tomato and a threatening note.

Sasuke was pretty impressed that the messenger bird even found him in Orochimaru's southwest hideout. He munched on the tomato contentedly and read the note:

Hey asshole,

Fuck you, you jerk! Way to betray Konoha and be a dick. You made Sakura-chan cry, I hope you know.

Anyway, I've totally gotten stronger and without going to work for some evil, perverted snake bastard, either. So the next time I see you, I'm going to kick your ass and drag you all the way back to Konoha, where you're going to stay this time, or else I'll kick your ass again. And then I'll totally be made Hokage, because everyone will know how much better I am. Ha! Take that, bastard!

So happy birthday and all that. I don't know if evil people celebrate birthdays or not, but once I take you back home, you won't be evil anymore so I figured you get to celebrate yours anyway.

Still waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than you,

Uzumaki Naruto

Sasuke read it over a second time before carefully blowing fire onto it. The paper curled around the edges and then, in another second, it was gone. Sasuke finished his tomato, and with a smack of his lips, there was no evidence that he'd ever even gotten a birthday present in the first place, except for the amused glint that remained in his eyes for the rest of the day.

For Naruto's fourteenth birthday, Sasuke got him a cup ramen and an exploding tag.

"Ramen, ramen, ramen!" Naruto was still chanting excitedly, to Jiraiya's supreme annoyance, when the tag went off.

The force of the blast knocked Naruto to the ground and covered him with soot, but the explosion was more smoke than fire, so he wasn't really hurt, just furious.

"That jerk!" Naruto yelled at the top of his lungs, coughing up dirt and still clutching his cup of ramen to his chest like it was something precious.

Jiraiya snickered at him. "What did I tell you about preparing for surprise attacks, brat?"

"It's not my fault that crazy psychopath tried to blow me up on my birthday!" Naruto squawked in outrage.

Jiraiya just rolled his eyes and toed the note that had blown free with the exploding tag over in Naruto's direction.

Naruto squinted at it suspiciously for a second. It was brief and to the point, much like its writer:

Got you. Dead last.

"Bastard!" Naruto shouted out. "I'm going to parade him back and forth through Konoha, dragging him by his heels when I finally beat him!"

Jiraiya kept his opinion to himself; he'd long since learned that there was no point in arguing with Naruto when it came to Sasuke.

"I'm going to make him beg for mercy and shout out to all the world how much better I am and how much of a jerk he was for ever leaving," Naruto continued merrily, adding the hot water from their campfire to the cup of dried noodles. "And then Sakura-chan is going to hug me for being so brave and amazing, and she'll agree to be my girlfriend. And that old bat Tsunade will decide that I should be Hokage, after all…"

The tune of Naruto's rant hadn't changed much over the years, but the tone of it had. There was a mischievous little quirk to Naruto's smile now, like he knew it wouldn't be that easy, but it was funny to pretend it would be anyway.

Jiraiya chuckled at his student's joke.

"I'll say one thing for Sasuke, though," Naruto said with his first slurp of noodles. "Bastard-delivered ramen is the best!"

For Sasuke's fifteenth birthday, Naruto got him a tomato and a wily ninja trap.

Sasuke pulled off the string that held the tomato to the message without much thought, and suddenly the trap exploded outward. The string flashed with chakra and expanded into thick ropes that wrapped around Sasuke's body, tying him up tight. At the same, a flare shot high up into the sky before exploding into bright orange fireworks that could be seen for miles away.

Sasuke blinked in disbelief for a minute before rolling his eyes. Hadn't Naruto learned yet that Sasuke knew how to get out of ropes?

He escaped easily and quickly packed his bag to leave. Odds were that Naruto wasn't close enough by to try to annoy him back to Konoha, but those fireworks could attract anybody, and Sasuke still very much didn't want to be found.

He paused for one moment, looking at where his tomato had fallen to ground near a couple of rocks when the trap had sprung. Something about leaving that perfectly round, red fruit there depressed him all of a sudden. He picked it up carefully and closed it safely in his empty bento box before slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Satisfied that he'd left no trace behind for Naruto – or anyone else – to track him, he vanished into the forest.

For Naruto's fifteenth birthday, Sasuke snuck into Naruto's camp while Jiraiya was away 'gathering information' at a bar in one of the nearby villages, set a bowl of heated ramen about ten feet from where Naruto lay sleeping, and tied the straps of Naruto's sandals together.

He only had a few seconds to escape, before Naruto's nose started twitching.

"Mmm, ramen?" Naruto muttered in his sleep, his nose sniffing about curiously before it correctly honed in on the direction the smell was coming from. "Mmm, miso ramen…" Naruto licked his lips.

His eyelashes fluttered open and there, before him, was the most beautiful sight anyone could ever wake up to on their fifteenth birthday. The moonlight seemed to give the bowl of ramen its own halo, like it was magical, ethereal ramen bestowed upon Naruto by the gods themselves.

If Naruto had been thoroughly awake, he would have been suspicious, but surprise ramen made perfect sense to his half-dreaming mind. "Thank you, ramen fairies!" he said happily, which presumably made some sort of sense within the context of his dream.

He scrambled out of his sleeping bag to fetch his beloved ramen…

And fell flat on his face.

"What?" Naruto screeched in outrage, suddenly fully awake. He blinked down at where his sandals were tied hopelessly.

There was one moment of silence, where one could actually see the realization cross Naruto's face, and then:

"Sasuke, you bastard!"

The words rang throughout the forest.

Naruto could almost have sworn he heard snickering, but he didn't care because he quickly kicked off his sandals and retrieved his ramen barefoot.

For Sasuke's sixteenth birthday, Naruto lobbed a tomato at Sasuke's head, and while Sasuke was distracted catching it, sliced Sasuke's clothes off.

"You pervert!" Sasuke hissed, clutching at his shirt hopelessly.

Naruto eyed his work critically. That hideous ass bow had come right off and now rested on the ground by Sasuke's feet. That dumb little skirt-looking thing had fallen off, too. Naruto had only succeeded in slicing a slit in the fabric of Sasuke's pants, but those didn't look so bad on their own.

Naruto had tried to get the shirt, too, but Sasuke had caught it in time. It was nothing more than a slip on mangled white fabric now, and if Sasuke hadn't been clutching it still, it wouldn't be able to stay on anymore.

Naruto nodded with satisfaction. "You'll thank me later, bastard," he informed Sasuke cheerfully.

Sasuke's Sharingan spun, and lightning crackled over his skin as his rage took over. "Naruto!" he growled.

With a laugh and wolf-whistle at where Sasuke accidentally bared an entire muscular thigh when he tried to lunge toward Naruto, Naruto ran back off into the forest.

Sasuke yelped and reached to close up the slit in his pants, only to release his grip on his shirt. The fabric fluttered off of him, leaving him half naked, with his pants in danger of falling off too, holding a tomato in the middle of the forest.

"That's it." Sasuke scowled out into the woods. "Next time, I make him pay."

For Naruto's sixteenth birthday, Sasuke got him a package of ramen.

Naruto blinked, perplexed, at the gift. There had to be a catch; Naruto just knew it. He circled the package of ramen carefully, sniffing the air, trying to sense a trap. When he'd completed his circle and still hadn't detected anything, he created a shadow clone.

The clone approached the ramen cautiously, feeling carefully with his toes for any traps. He reached the packet, unfazed, and slowly reached out with one finger. His shoulders tensed, he scrunched his eyes up, and poked it.

Nothing happened.

The clone ventured to peek out of one eye. The ramen package sat before him, looking perfectly harmless and delicious, taunting him.

"What's that bastard up to this time?" the clone scratched his head.

Naruto was scratching his head in puzzlement the exact same way. "Maybe it'll happen when you pick it up?" he suggested.

"Oh, right!" the clone agreed cheerfully. He tensed before bravely reaching over and picking up the ramen.

Naruto and his clone held their breaths…

And more nothing happened.

"Maybe there's no trap this time?" Naruto's clone ventured hesitantly, approaching Naruto with the ramen. He handed it over before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

"No trap?" Naruto scoffed at his own thought. "This is Sasuke-bastard. There's always a catch." He shook the packet carefully. The dried noodles rattled about inside, calling to him. 'Eat us, eat us!' they seemed to cry.

Naruto licked his lips. No matter what Sasuke had planned, it couldn't be worse than not eating the ramen, right? Naruto nodded to himself. This seemed perfectly logical. He ripped opened the package.

As he did so, he also activated the summoning seal glued to the inside of the package. Before Naruto knew what was happening, there was a poof of smoke, and he was suddenly being tackled to the ground and tied up by a very evil-looking Sasuke.

"Gah, bastard! Gah!" Naruto kept yelling because he couldn't do much else while he was wrapped up as tightly as a mummy.

Sasuke smirked down at where Naruto was now helpless in his clutches.

"Let me go, asshole!" Naruto squirmed in his bonds.

"Tch, dead last," Sasuke said in his more condescending voice. "Why would I want to do that?"

Naruto froze, wide-eyed at the realization that, oops, Sasuke was technically in Akatsuki now, wasn't he? Then Naruto started squirming twice as hard. If he got captured this way, he'd never live it down. "You jerk, it's my birthday!" he complained.

Sasuke's smirk turned into a downright malicious grin. "You're right," he agreed. "It is." He reached into his robe and slowly pulled out his latest instrument of torture.

"No! Augh! Stop! Help! Someone, help! Make it stop! You bastard! Nooo-Ahahaha!" Naruto's screams turned into peels of uncontrollable laughter, as he was rendered unable to resist Sasuke's latest form of punishment.

Sasuke tickled him with the feather for a good ten minutes before concluding that Naruto would probably die from lack of oxygen soon. "Happy birthday, moron," he said with a final arrogant smirk before he vanished in a puff of smoke.

Naruto gasped for air and finally managed to calm down. "Hey, bastard!" he called out pointlessly. "Untie me!"

Fortunately, an hour later, when Naruto finally managed to escape the ropes, he found that the opened package of ramen was still on the ground where he'd dropped it. This was a good thing because, if the ramen had been destroyed in their fight, Sasuke would really be in trouble.

As it was, Naruto growled into his ramen the entire time he was eating it. He had absolutely had it this time. No more Mister Nice Guy. Naruto was dragging Sasuke home now, whether Sasuke liked it or not.

For Sasuke's seventeenth birthday, Sasuke was back home again (although he wasn't as stunningly defeated as Naruto would have liked) so Naruto could give to him, in person, the gift he'd secretly really wanted to give Sasuke for years now: a cock in the ass.

Sasuke squirmed and writhed under him as Naruto finally seated himself all the way inside. His fingers clawed at Naruto's back, leaving red scratch marks.

"Just relax, bastard," Naruto grinned. Sasuke, as usual, had been a bit of a prick about accepting his present in the first place, but Naruto had pestered and cajoled him (and then wrestled with him a lot) before he discovered that sucking on the spot right under Sasuke's left ear was the perfect way to make him do anything. Naruto did that now, and Sasuke turned all boneless and pliant beneath him.

Naruto started moving, in and out, a bit rough and fast, but if the little hisses escaping Sasuke's lips were any indication, he didn't mind.

Sasuke winced at a particularly hard thrust and opened his eyes to glare at Naruto. "This is revenge for last year, isn't it?"

"You'd better believe it," Naruto grinned down at him, before ramming his hips even harder.

A grunt escaped Sasuke's throat, and Naruto kept up the pace so that the insulting jerk couldn't even say a word in response. He felt Sasuke's body tense and twitch around him, and with one firm stroke of his hand down the length of Sasuke's cock between them, he made Sasuke come apart right in his arms.

It was pretty damn sexy. Naruto thrusted wildly for less than a minute after that before he came, too, and collapsed on top of Sasuke's very warm, very comfortable, very naked body.

"Moron," Sasuke grumped, his nose buried in Naruto's hair. "You know I'm going to get you back twice as hard on your birthday."

Naruto shivered at the thought and rolled over so that he and Sasuke were side-by-side in their nice, big bed. "Mmm, happy birthday to me…"

Sasuke huffed. "So?" he demanded.

Naruto blinked at him in a bleary, blissful haze. "So what?"

Sasuke's cheeks tinged pink, and he looked down shyly. "Where's my tomato?"

Naruto laughed. "Ha! I knew you liked my presents all these years!"

"Shut up," Sasuke sulked.

"It's in the drawer of the nightstand." Naruto waved vaguely in the right direction and then snickered at how fast Sasuke lunged for the drawer to retrieve his tomato.

"Dead last," Sasuke muttered, caressing the plump skin of his tomato.

"Bastard," Naruto sighed contentedly, nuzzling his face into the curve of Sasuke's throat.

They lay like that, Naruto sleepy from too much good sex and Sasuke nibbling at the tomato, and all Naruto could think was that he couldn't wait to see what Sasuke got him with his ramen for his next birthday.

Just a bit of fun. :P Reviews are always most appreciated!