Pretend

Just pretend. Close your eyes and pretend. Pretend that you're not here with him and his hands are not roaming over your body. I don't want him and he doesn't want me, but we always will have something in common. Selene. I think of her now as he leans forward and kisses my chest, and I wonder if he's thinking about her too. No, I know he is. He has to be because I want her so badly I can taste it. So I pretend that she's here in front of me, taking me in with deft fingers and soft lips. Her caressing me as I run my hands through her dark hair.

I can already feel her presence, but not here, not in this room. It would kill me if she ever saw me this way. It kills me, as it is, to know that she'll never know how badly I need her now. I pretend that I hate her because it's easier than admitting how much I love her. I insult her in ways that only I figure as compliments. I touch her whenever I get a chance, but she doesn't touch me back. Not the way I want her to, at least. She thinks I'm just another spoiled brat, an attention whore who only wants Kraven to myself. She couldn't be more wrong. I never wanted Kraven and I never will. I keep telling her that over and over and over... in my head, of course, because I can never muster up enough courage to say it to her in person.

Oh, why doesn't he just get on with it? It pains me that Kraven waits until he knows I can't take this anymore. He only feeds when he's satisfied that he's tortured me enough. It's just like him, too, to be inconsiderate of everyone but himself. He takes what he wants when he wants it and to hell with everyone else who gets in the way.

Oh, well, I can just pretend and when it's all over I can go back to doing whatever it is I normally do. I can't remember what exactly that is at this very moment because right now I can feel him draining me. He's finally done what I've been wanting him to do for what seems like hours now. And I can feel everything I ever thought wrong about him drift away from me for a split second while I imagine that it's not actually him feeding from me. No, I pretend that it's her, her lips, her fangs, her hands gripping me so tightly I think she might crush me.

Within moments, it's all over. Kraven's cell phone is ringing and I know why. I pretend not to, though, as he pushes me aside. I sit here dazed for a few seconds as he receives the news of Selene's arrival. I could've told him that already without any lookouts or high-tech equipment. I guess he wouldn't care. Not now, because he's already standing and walking away. I act like I'm upset, pissed off even at being shoved away once again so he can go to her, but I'm not. I'm actually relieved because now I don't have to pretend that he's her anymore.

Now I can just go back to pretending like nothing ever happened. None of this is real, so I sit here and pretend to be vexed, because if I don't he'll know. He always knows, even when I least expect him to. It's something in your mind, someone in your heart, a poison coursing through your veins. That's what Selene is to me. All those things wrapped up into one beautiful heartache. Right now, if I indeed had a heart, it would probably be breaking, but I don't and it's not. And I can just pretend again. I can pretend that when I tell Selene how I feel, she'll understand and Kraven will be gone for good soon.

Pretending... it's the only way around this one. Or so I tell myself.