This idea of shinigami watching TV has been nagging me for the longest time, and after a long day of quality procrastination here it is. This is just for fun. Don't take it too seriously! My life is somewhat stressful right now, so as a result all I seem to write are these just for fun type things. I don't need anymore drama haha.
Anyway. For those of you who don't know what "Maury" is, it's a daytime talk show that is not quite as trashy as Jerry Springer but much less trashy than Oprah. One of the things they do a lot is have these women come in who have no idea who the father of their child is and do paternity tests, and usually they end up still not finding out who he is after like 30 tests. No joke. Television at its finest.
I own neither Bleach nor Maury.
"Thomas, when it comes to three-year-old Jackson, you…are not the father."
"Oh my- IKKAKU!" yelled Yumichika Ayasegawa, pacing around the room in a panic.
"Yumichika! What is it?" asked Ikkaku Madarame, running towards him.
"It's terrible…this woman has been with so many men that she doesn't know the father of three-year-old Jackson is!"
"Yumichika, are you watching the Maurice show again?"
"It's MAURY. Not Maurice. And of course I'm watching it. If we are going to be assigned to the real world, we need to have a thorough understanding of the people living in it. It seems to be an impossible task, right? However, this man has condensed all the information I need to know into a convenient hour-long program! How can I not watch? It is a my duty as a shinigami to pay attention to every word this man says!"
It had been almost a month since Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, president of the Research Institute of Technology, had found a way for popular television programming in the real world to reach the Soul Society, and all of the Gotei 13 found itself hooked. Yumichika was no exception, having grown quite attached to daytime talk shows.
"Yumichika, I think you're missing the point, this show is about-"
"QUIET! It's coming back on," Yumichika snapped, sitting rigidly on the edge of the couch.
"That concludes our program for today. Next week, we will be doing a special on interventions. If you have any friends or loved ones who you suspect may have a drinking problem, please call…"
"WAH! RANGIKU-SAAAAAN!" cried Yumichika, recoiling against the cushions.
"What about her?" Ikkaku asked.
"She needs this program," he whispered dramatically, hastily scribbling down the numbers flashing across the screen. "Ikkaku! We can't afford to waste another moment! Just think, at this very moment, Rangiku-san could be alone, crying into a pitcher of sake!" His eyes shone with tears. "It would be…so ugly…"
"Since when have you cared that much about Vice-Captain Matsumoto?"
"SILENCE! We need to help our dear neighbor in her this time of need! Don't tell me you haven't noticed her stumbling back into the tenth division late at night with Vice-Captain Hisagi!"
Yumichika nodded, covering his mouth with his hand.
"Yumichika, how do you know all of this? Are you spying on other divisions?" Ikkaku asked, crossing his arms.
"Th-that's unimportant!" Yumichika mumbled, looking at the floor. "But I am calling this number!" he said, dialing his cell phone.
"You idiot! Our phones can't contact the real world like that! We can only use them for calls to others within the Soul Society!"
"Well I hear it ringing!"
"Impossible!" Ikkaku scurried towards Yumichika, holding his ear up to the phone.
A woman's voice said clearly and slowly: "Thank you for calling 'Maury'. Your call is important to us, so please continue to hold until one of our operators is able to assist you. Please note that your call may be monitored for quality assurance."
"I don't believe this," Ikkaku muttered.
"Shh! Listen, Ikkaku, is that…music?" Both men pressed their ears against the earpiece, faces scrunched in intense concentration.
How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace?
"Is…is this man singing for us while we wait for one of their operators to assist us?" Ikkaku wondered, turning to Yumichika, who still listened intently.
"I think he is!"
"We should offer our thanks!"
Yumichika nodded. "Th-thank you for entertaining us!" he stuttered into the mouthpiece.
They both held their ears to the earpiece once more, waiting breathlessly for the response.
Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space, and there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face…
"He didn't accept our thanks…" Yumichika whispered sadly.
Ikkaku frowned, eyebrows knit together in concern.
"Perhaps we offended him! Maybe he didn't want his singing interrup-"
"Good afternoon, you have reached the Maury Show. How may we assist you today?" recited a woman, her voice monotone.
"G-good afternoon! I am Yumichika Ayasegawa, fifth seat of the eleventh division! My colleague is in desperate need of your assistance!" he covered the mouthpiece with his hand and turned to Ikkaku. "Was that good?" he mouthed. Ikkaku nodded vigorously and motioned back to the phone.
"Um…could you explain that a little more for me sir?"
"Of course! My poor colleague has lost herself because she drinks too much sake! I was watching your fine program earlier today and want Maury to help her!"
"Oh! So you would like to be a part of our interventions special?" the operator asked.
"Yes!" Yumichika said, hanging onto the operator's every word. He covered the mouthpiece yet again, bobbing up and down as he turned to Ikkaku. "This is it! This is it!" he mouthed.
"Shut up!" Ikkaku hissed, hitting the back of Yumichika's head lightly.
"All right then. I'll just need to take down your information. What did you say your name was?"
"Yuminachik…uh…could you spell that for me, sir?"
"Certainly! It's only natural that one such as yourself would be dumbfounded in the presence of such a lovely-"
"Yumichika!" snapped Ikkaku. Yumichika rolled his eyes and slowly spelled out his name.
"Thank you. And can you give me your location?" the operator asked.
"I am located in the eleventh division," Yumichika answered matter-of-factly.
"All right…and where exactly is the eleventh division?"
"In the Seireitei, of course."
"Could you give me an address?" Yumichika looked at Ikkaku.
"An address?" he whispered. Ikkaku quickly wrote something down and shoved it at Yumichika.
"Um…Eleventh division, Seireitei, Soul Society," he read. Yumichika and Ikkaku leaned away from the phone as the operator sighed heavily into it.
"Is this some sort of a joke?" she asked impatiently.
Yumichika scoffed. "Of course not! Our friend is in danger and you're questioning my sincerity? I'll have you know that this call may be monitored for quality assurance, and this is most definitely not quality assur-"
"All right, sir, please calm down. I'll see if the computer can pinpoint your location. In the meantime, can you tell me your occupation and maybe give me a work phone number?" Yumichika took a deep breath. Ikkaku patted him on the shoulder and nodded.
"Fine. I shall let you redeem yourself. I am a shinigami."
"Yes. My phone number is-"
"Sir, do you honestly expect me to believe that? This is a waste of my time. Please do not call here again."
"Wha-" Yumichika started, but it was too late. The frustrated voice of the operator gave way to a dull, buzzing dial tone.
"Too bad. I almost thought it was going to work," Ikkaku said, shrugging as he walked out of the room.
Yumichika snapped the phone shut and fell back onto the couch. He frowned, crossing his arms and staring stubbornly at the blank television screen. He glanced sideways at the remote, reached out quickly and snatched it towards himself, running his thumb over the power button just enough so that the television flickered on.
"Welcome back to 'Family Feud'! Next week we will be doing a special competition between companies! If you and your work colleagues want to participate, please call this number right away!"
Yumichika jumped up.
"IKKAKU! I have the most wonderful idea!"
For those wondering, the hold music was "Against all Odds" by Phil Collins. Whenever I'm on hold they always seem to play power ballads and that one just popped into my mind and stuck. This may very well continue, as there is still so much television goodness. But if people really aren't into this I'll let it die haha. Review and let me know what you think! You know you wanna.