Title: Control

Summary: "You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…" Yuu Kanda was always in control, but upon losing that equilibrium he makes the biggest mistake of his life. KandaLavi.

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG-13

Content: Yuu's mouth, some gore.

Author's Note: I like this pairing, so sue me. Horrible writer's block on Bookman (seriously the last paragraph is killing me now), so I wrote this. Hopefully just a one-shot for your goodly entertainment, because it entertained me to write it. My warning to you: I've only written once from Kanda's point of view, and that was a first person, three page exercise over in Sandman. I'm giving him a shot, so be gentle.


He was going to kill the moyashi if he didn't shut his mouth. Yuu Kanda was very irritable, even more irritable than usual because he had been subjected to having endure Allen Walker's presence for more than five minutes. Normally, he would have been able to control his ever-rising temper in that situation, but he was trapped inside a very cramped train compartment with said annoyance, and the space was getting smaller and smaller by the moment. As if that wasn't bad enough having to look at Walker's ugly face from the bench across from him, Kanda had Lavi beside him, talking animatedly (as usual) which made the current situation all the more aggravating to him.

"Would the two of you shut up?" Kanda growled, wanting nothing more than to close his eyes and go to sleep for the rest of the way. But Allen and Lavi were talking about some pointless topic or another that Kanda had absolutely no interest in.

"Oh, c'mon, Yuu. It's all good fun," Lavi said, nudging him with his elbow, making Kanda tense slightly from the contact, instinctually gripping Mugen's hilt tighter.

"Don't call me by my first name, idiot," Kanda retorted, scooting an inch or so closer to the window, away from Lavi. He didn't want to hear the redhead's voice or feel the brief warmth when their legs occasionally brushed or feel something inside him grow warmer when Lavi called him Yuu-chan. He told himself he didn't want to be within this close amount of proximity with the redhead because Lavi was a bothersome person with no concept of personal space. It was what helped Kanda sleep at night without having to be kept awake with thoughts of him.

"Don't be a grump, Yuu-chan," Lavi said, ignoring Kanda's words as he normally did. When he said this he looked at Kanda with that smile of his, somehow not even made different by the gauze square on his cheek covering a scrape from a recent battle. It was still just as bright and friendly as the rest, and Kanda met it with his usual glare.

"Kanda's always grumpy, Lavi. You should know that by now," Allen said, grinning at Kanda with the insult. The glare was redirected from Lavi to Allen, but with a little more intensity toward the boy Kanda hadn't been having dreams about…

"Shut up, moyashi," Kanda said.

"It's Allen," Allen replied, narrowing his eyes dangerously. That began the bickering again, a repeat of that morning, and the previous day and all the days before that when they had the same argument. Lavi shook his head half-way through, his expression showing that he knew not to get involved when they were like that. Kanda kept Lavi in his peripheral during the exchange with the idiot boy, watching as he got up and left the compartment, closing the door behind him. Kanda was in too much control to let himself be disappointed, and continued baiting Walker with insults and jabs at his character or physical appearance while Allen struggled to respond with something just as mean. But Allen wasn't as mean as he tried to pull off sometimes, so his retorts were weak and laughable. If Yuu Kanda laughed, that is.

Towards the end of their usual confrontation, they had gotten up and started raising their voices. Kanda forgot why it was so fun after a while, because it made Lavi leave and he was stuck with Allen, who was talking which was something he shouldn't do, as he was much more intelligent looking when he was quiet. The weapons came out as they went back and forth, but then, Allen's eye inverted and a dial appeared suddenly. The both of them were caught off guard.

"A-Akuma!" Allen cried, his eye searching for their locations, Kanda could tell, by the way the red pupil moved behind the magnified glass.

"Where?" Kanda asked, invoking his Innocence, Mugen held out and at the ready. If they were around the train, no one would have to get hurt. But if they were on the train…Kanda felt something tighten in his chest. Lavi. He was walking around unknowingly, his Exorcist coat a flaunting target to an enemy he had no idea was there…

"Here!" Allen replied, just as the compartment door slid open. Kanda was normally so in control of himself and his movements, but this time, instinct took over and he reflexively lashed out. Mugen slid forward quickly, a sharp jab that connected with flesh and soft internal tissue, not the usual hard steel it normally encountered. And then the black coat with the familiar silver badge met his vision, and that stupid orange scarf and red, red hair, like the red that was beginning to soak through the fabric of the uniform.

"L-Lavi?" Kanda's words were out before he could think properly, tongue stumbling over the simple two syllable name. Every emotion he felt at that moment leaked into his voice, expressing his fear, guilt, shame…Two cans of soda and one green tea bottle fell from his limp hands to the floor, where they made a harsh sound like something breaking; something that Kanda could almost feel inside himself.

"You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…" Lavi said, his voice strangely lucid despite the fact that Mugen was nearly buried to the hilt inside of him. Kanda didn't know what to do or how to act or what to say, because everything had fallen out of his control so quickly. It only took a second for Kanda to yank his sword from his friend's body, the only thing that had even kept Lavi upright, but the Japanese swordsman caught him before his knees gave out and he hit the floor, instead easing him down to the ground as gently as possible.

"Lavi? Lavi!" Allen shouted, probably had been shouting all along, but Kanda hadn't heard any of it, too focused on Lavi and his rapidly paling complexion and the blood that seemed to keep flowing from the wound. "Kanda! What did you do?!"

"Shut up, moyashi," Kanda said, pressing his hand to Lavi's wound, making the redhead gasp with a pain-filled breath.

"Kanda! You—"

"Shut UP!" Kanda shouted at Allen, his composure completely gone, every raw emotion taking over, fueled by the hot blood on his hand.

"Everyone's so mad…" Lavi said, sounding almost scared. It made both Kanda and Allen stop, realizing the situation and what it meant all too quickly. The blood wasn't stopping and Lavi's body was beginning to shake from the trauma.

"Take care of the akuma," Kanda said, pulling off his coat.

"W-What? But Lavi is—" Allen tried to protest, but Kanda fixed him with one of his most severe glares.

"Go," Kanda ordered, and Allen stopped all his objections, stepping over Lavi and into the hallway, a worried look strikingly open on his face. "I'll take care of him. Just go." With a determined nod, Allen disappeared from the back of their car to the next attached one, leaving Kanda kneeling on the floor with the one person he had begun to care the most for.

"Yuu…" Lavi murmured, his eye half-open, staring up at Kanda searchingly.

"Shut up," Kanda advised, moving his coat around Lavi's waist to try and stop the bleeding of both his stomach and back. It was the only thing he could say at that moment, so out of his element that he was almost lost. His best friend was in his lap now, bleeding, dying, and Kanda could only be plagued of thoughts of a world without Lavi in it. "And stay with me."

"S…tay…" Lavi repeated, his voice low, eye almost completely shut. Kanda grabbed him roughly by the chin and made him look up, focusing on the other Exorcist's face.

"Don't fall asleep," Kanda said, his hair falling around him like a curtain as he leaned over Lavi. His one green eye was so dark it almost looked black.

"Tired…" Lavi replied with a gentle sigh, his eyelashes fluttering dangerously close to shutting. The coat around his waist was already soaked through in the front and Kanda pressed his palm against it to try to stop the bleeding. "Ow…"

"I don't care. Stay awake," Kanda ordered, and Lavi's brow furrowed at these words. The Japanese Exorcist wondered what sort of face he was making to cause the ever-cheerful Bookman's apprentice to have such a worried expression.

"Yuu…chan? What's…wrong?" Lavi asked his words sounding forced.

"What's wrong?" Kanda repeated, his voice raising slightly. "What's wrong?! I stabbed you! Idiot! What do you think you were doing?!"

"It's…okay…Yuu-chan…don't be…sad…" Lavi murmured, his eyelashes fluttering shut as a small, reassuring smile made its way to his lips. "It's not…your fault…"

"It is my fault," Kanda said, trying to coax Lavi awake with added pressure to his abdomen. This only made Lavi wince and then cough. His slightly smiling lips turned crimson and Kanda felt a tremble of fear run through him. Certainly Lavi wasn't going to… die? He couldn't die. It was Lavi and there was no such thing as a world without him in it. Kanda didn't have time to wonder when Lavi had become such an important figure in the narrow scope of the world he lived in, too busy bringing his free hand to stroke Lavi's bangs from his forehead. His skin was already too pale and now clammy and cold.

"S'not," Lavi replied, his voice such a soft whisper that Kanda had to lean over closer to hear him. His breath was so faint it barely brushed against Kanda's cheek.

"It is," Kanda said, trying to keep pressure on Lavi's wound while attempting to keep the injured boy awake long enough to keep him from going into shock. "I'm sorry, Lavi…" His eye was closed, breaths short, and there was no response. "Lavi?" Lashes fluttered slightly, but the lid did not open, and a shuddering breath was taken, but nothing else. "Lavi. Don't you dare die…"

What would the world be like without Lavi in it? What would be the purpose of waking up to another day without Lavi by his side? It didn't matter when exactly Lavi had become so important; all that mattered was that Lavi was that important and Kanda couldn't bear the thought of him no longer being there. When had he grown to depend on that smile so much?

"You can't…leave…" Kanda murmured, brushing his fingers against Lavi's chilled cheek. "Stay with me, Lavi…" There was no response from Lavi's still form, just shallow breathing that sounded raspier and fainter by the second. "Lavi…" A curtain of black tresses surrounded them as Kanda leaned over further, his lips brushing against the redheaded boy's ever so softly. They were cold and tasted slightly metallic. It wasn't how Kanda imagined it to be. After all, Lavi was all warmth and sunshine and the sweet things that Kanda would never admit to liking. That couldn't be gone forever. Something hot ran down his cheeks and Kanda was spiraling so dangerously out of emotional control that he recognized the almost unfamiliar feeling of helplessness and fear gripping his heart. There was no such thing as a world without Lavi, not for Kanda.

"Please…don't leave me…"


"Lavi will be all right," Komui said, after a dreadfully long four hours of waiting. "He's going to need a lot of rest, though." Allen sighed in relief from beside him while Lenalee cried in thankfulness. Kanda kept his head down, trying to quell the unease he felt inside himself and all around him. He could tell people were trying not to blame him, even though they secretly did. And Komui was trying the hardest out of all of them. After all, Kanda had taken out one of the few Exorcists they had left, which meant a month or two of being a soldier short, which for Komui, meant more risk of having another person he, and everyone else, cared for not coming home. "Would you like to see him?"

Allen and Lenalee rushed at the chance, but Kanda wanted nothing more than to go to his room and hide. Normally he wouldn't be one to do such a thing, but it was his hand, his sword, that did this to Lavi and nearly killed him. That train ride home had been long and Kanda had been struck with unadulterated fear that Lavi would not make it back to Headquarters. Even the moyashi had felt that way, pacing for the duration of the trip as Kanda cradled Lavi's head in his lap. It had been a long time since Kanda prayed, but he had prayed during that journey to whatever God would listen to him to save Lavi, because he meant more than anything to him and he couldn't have that taken away.

"Kanda-kun, are you coming?" Lenalee asked, appearing at his side with a concerned, teary expression.

"Che," was all he said, but made no move to go with her or to leave.

"Kanda-kun," Lenalee said gently, looking like she was going to touch him, but then thought better of it. "Lavi won't blame you." Kanda knew he wouldn't, and that was what made it so difficult. It's…okay…Yuu-chan…don't be…sad…It's not…your fault… even though it was. With his last moments of consciousness before an unknowable fate, Lavi was trying to assure him of that fact and that drove a wedge deeper and deeper into Kanda's chest. He wasn't angry with Kanda even when he had the right to be. What kind of person felt that way?

"Che," Kanda replied, his voice softer despite his will to make it seem harsh and uncaring as to what Lavi might or might not think of him.

"It's okay," Lenalee said, smiling at him. "Come on." Kanda couldn't walk the other way once she said that and followed her almost like an obedient puppy toward the infirmary. He was aware of the stares directed his way and met them with his trademark glare, although there wasn't as much force behind it as there normally was. Maybe people noticed this and felt badly for him, Kanda was unsure, but their glances and whispers followed him everywhere regardless. His comrade, he stabbed his comrade. Can you believe it?

As they came to the double doors outside the infirmary, they ran into Bookman who was just leaving. The old man didn't seem outwardly fazed at all by the fact that his apprentice was nearly gutted and killed, but his eyes burned the hardest hole on the back of Kanda's neck as he entered the clinic. It was the white-washed room with white curtains and white beds that Kanda tried so hard to avoid. He hated the infirmary because it didn't feel natural, so sterile and monotonous. And he hated it even more because Lavi looked so out of place under those bleached sheets.

"I'm sorry, he's still asleep," the Matron informed them. Even her eyes were hard on Kanda and he gripped Mugen in private shame. "But you can sit with him for a while if you'd like." Allen and Lenalee went over almost immediately after receiving permission, but Kanda hung back behind them, not wanting to get any closer at that moment. One last look from the Matron and she was gone, leaving them alone with their unconscious friend. There was more color in Lavi now, but it wasn't the shade of someone in good health. His cheeks were tinted a sickly rose with fever, most likely a reaction to the shock his body had just gone through.

"Hey, Lavi," Allen said quietly, moving a chair over to sit by the bed. Lenalee did the same on the other side. He watched as Lenalee took Lavi's hand in hers as gently as if it were porcelain. Kanda couldn't look at it for very long because Lavi's wrist and fingers appeared so delicate and fragile, like they might be broken at any second. Luckily no one saw Kanda avert his eyes.

"He has a fever," Lenalee murmured quietly with concern coloring her tone, her free hand resting against Lavi's forehead under his red fringe. Kanda tried not to think of how that color reminded him of the blood that soaked through Lavi's uniform; the blood that was still on his sword. Kanda felt like he was suffocating there, unable to look at Allen and Lenalee and Lavi, who was just too still and too pale, his hands so goddamn small…

"Kanda, where're you going?" Allen asked, his voice following Kanda out of the infirmary and down the empty hall. He didn't run, but he walked with such haste that it might have been considered so. There were people everywhere who thankfully got out of his way without speaking to him, though their whispers echoing behind him …friend, can you believe he almost killed his friend?

"Che," Kanda huffed to himself, trying to keep in control of his facial expression. It was hard, something he was not used to. He never felt such difficulty before because it was always so easy to project this façade he wore. But now it was crumbling around him and Mugen felt heavier and heavier with each step he took away from Lavi. The image of him in the doorway with that shocked expression on his face You…stabbed me, Yuu…chan…wouldn't leave his mind. He couldn't believe he hurt Lavi and Kanda couldn't believe he cried and he couldn't believe he kissed the idiot like that. But was he really such an idiot? Kanda's pace slowed to a stop. No, Lavi was no idiot. It's not…your fault…and he smiled so reassuringly almost as if he were saying "Don't cry" like that one time when Lavi was too new to the Order and too foolish and had gotten himself hurt in battle. Kanda could remember it like it was yesterday, the way Lavi was sprawled out on the ground, his head hastily wrapped in ripped cloth, the blood soaking through it rapidly. "I'm okay…" he said, his words a mere whisper as Kanda tried to keep him conscious. "Don't cry." Kanda shook his head with his usual attitude. "Idiot, why would I?" Lavi smiled, the light fading from his eye like a candle being extinguished. "Because I would…cry for you..."

"Fucking idiot," Kanda swore to himself, before moving on down the corridor toward his room. Once there he locked the door and moved around in the darkness, removing his shirt and boots, pulling his hair out of its band with a vicious yank. He set Mugen in the corner of the room, away from the side of the bed where he normally kept it. Even though he knew it was an accident, Kanda didn't want the sword near him at that moment. Lying down on the crisp sheets, Kanda rested his head on the pillow and closed his eyes with an aggravated sigh. He was so anxious about Lavi's condition, but didn't want to be there, not when everyone else was crowded around, staring at him like he was some sort of beast.

Maybe he was. The thought crossed through his mind more than once that day. Maybe he was just a beast, a slave to his instincts and reflexes. Kanda touched the tattoo on his chest with a furrowed brow.

Maybe he wasn't human anymore.

"It's...okay...Yuu-chan...it's not...your fault..."


After a sequence of terrible dreams, Kanda got up from a restless sleep. It was late at night, maybe even early in the morning, he wasn't sure. But the stillness and quiet that settled over everything let Kanda know around what time it would be. And it was time to see Lavi.

Shrugging on a shirt and his boots, Kanda walked to the door. His hair was unbound and his clothes wrinkled, the skin under his eyes most likely dark circles, but he didn't care. Kanda looked at Mugen and debated on whether or not he should take the weapon with him. He remembered how heavy it had been to carry and how guilty he had felt in Lavi's presence with the sword at his hip and decided against it. Anyone who might see him would know there was something wrong with him then, as he was never parted from Mugen.

The trip to the infirmary was short, Kanda dashing out between slivers of moonlight and back into shadow, not wanting to be seen or heard or whispered about. Mugen absent from his hip made him feel like a traitor, but also like a free man. It was a strange mix of emotions that welled up inside him with the trepidation of having to see Lavi. Would it be easier if Lavi was still asleep or harder to see such a strong, vibrant person like that? Kanda didn't know and didn't want to know, wondering what he would do when he reached the clinic and Lavi's bedside. He touched his lips, wondering if he would do that again.

Sneaking into the infirmary was all about stealth, which Kanda had plenty of. It was simple to get in with his quiet footsteps toward Lavi's bed and to pull the screen back without making too much noise. Lavi was lying on his side, breathing evenly in sleep. He looked so small in the moonlight that Kanda had to glance away for one guilty moment. Then Kanda moved closer and closer, until he was sitting in the chair that Allen had left right next to the bed.

"Lavi," Kanda said, so quietly it was below a whisper. And because it was so soft, Lavi did not stir and continued to sleep on, obliviously ignoring his midnight guest. Very gently, Kanda brushed a finger against Lavi's fevered cheek and he felt worry grow inside of him. Lavi still hadn't gotten better. What if his wound was infected?

"Y..uu…" Lavi sighed, and Kanda removed his hand as quickly as if he had been burned. But Lavi's eye still slowly cracked open despite that and he blinked a few times at the Japanese man in front of him. His lips turned up again in a smile. Thankfully there was no blood this time. "I was juss dreamin' 'bout you…" he said, his words slightly slurred, probably due to whatever painkiller they had hooked up to his IV.

"You're still dreaming. Go back to sleep," Kanda said, watching as the eyelashes obediently began fluttering closed.

"M'kay…" Lavi murmured, but one of his hands moved toward where Kanda's rested on the edge of the bed. Before Kanda could slip it out of the way, Lavi's hand was holding his, fingers like ice, knuckles black and blue from where the IV needle entered his vein. "But don't go…" Something about how small Lavi's voice had gotten made Kanda agree:

"I won't," he replied and Lavi smiled again, half-way dreaming.

"Will you be here…when I wake up?" Lavi asked, sounding as strangely lucid as he had when Kanda had stabbed him. His fingers clenched around Kanda's as his brow furrowed in an expression of sadness.

"Yeah, I will," Kanda said.

And he wasn't one to break promises.


Apparently this has a mind of it's own and it will end up being more than just a one-shot. Or maybe it is a one-shot, but just in two chapters. Yeah, that's what it is...my brain is too broken to think properly right now D: But hopefully you guys liked it and wants more? Maybe? Hopefully I didn't butcher Kanda's character too much?

Show me some love, if I'm worthy of it!