I don't know what to do with my life. I used to have a whole plan; I'd go to college in England and live the rest of my life over there. That changed, and I hate myself for not doing that. So instead I went to Monmouth my freshman year of college and I loved it, but at the same time I hated how boring it would get on the weekends. I then moved to North Carolina in hopes I would get into ECU, but they fucked me over which to me was a sign that I am not supposed to go there. I've lost all interest in going there anyway now, so I'm lost again. I have applied to seven different colleges, I would love to go back to Monmouth, but it's financially stupid, which I do not care about right now, but I will in the end and I know I will. I have been looking at places in Buffalo, NY and in California, but I don't know what to do. Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I just want to go away forever. I don't want to see the people I know, I just want to escape from everything and lead my own life, no strings, no opinions, no worries, no doubt. I am so torn about what to do. I want to go to Buffalo, I want to go to Arcata, I want to go to Monmouth. I can see myself at every one of them. I can't transfer again or I'm just going to keep transferring and as much as I would like to do that, I can't do it and get a degree because no school will accept me. I'm trying to find my place in life, everyone has a cause right? I feel like I have none, and I feel like I will never find it. I should go with my gut and go back to Monmouth, but why would I do that when I know it will just disappoint my parents and it will disappoint me too. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. I don't want to go to school but there's no way in hell I could get a job anywhere without going to school. I want to go to England, or Europe and work there for a year, then come back in hopes that our economy has stabilized again (which it prob won't have). I wish I could just do what I planned, I like spontaneity, but how long can I live happily with it? I want to sit down and see myself in the future, not rich, not poor, just happy. I don't want to be sitting in my room crying because I have no money and I've put myself in so much debt I can't make a life of my own. I don't want to be sitting in a ship looking out onto the ocean at the age of 45 still hoping that the Navy will pay for my college education at some point. I want to be happy. I feel like I've never been happy. Why? What don't I have to be happy about? Seriously? I get everything I want, but getting things is just a temporary happiness. I have a couple good friends, but what am I going to do, hang around where they do the rest of my life? I don't think so. I am so unsettled, I just need to find that one place I feel like I can be for a long time. Not forever, just a long time. I want to travel the world, but how could I do that if I don't have any money to? Do I want to be a doctor? What is it I want to do? I don't even know anymore and I hate it. There's too much to think about, too much to want and desire. I want to be able to say I led a great life to my nieces and nephews. I want to tell them that happiness doesn't mean money, it doesn't mean possessions, it means what you want in your heart. I don't believe in love, so that's not one thing I desire. I desire passion, I desire death, I desire true, unbendable happiness. Who's to say I can't go back to Monmouth and be happy and pay off my debts? Why is it I'm the one who's been told to not go back. You're not paying for my education, so fuck it. What the hell is stopping me. Nothing should be, that's for sure. I fucking hate when people try to make the decisions for you. It's none of your concern anymore. Please butt out. Maybe my novel will go big one day. That's how I'll make my millions. I want to do something with chemicals, maybe I'll do virology and find cures for diseases and go down in history. That would make me happy. I'd then know the real reason I was meant to be here. Otherwise, what is there to live for. I would never commit suicide, I would just hope death came to me early. I love living, but the thought of death is what makes me want to live on. Everything I have ever heard about death has made me think about it more and more. It's not depressing, it's sad to see someone you "love" slip away from you. But it's only for the moment. You will see them again, and if you don't, then you wouldn't know anyway. We all go to the same place, and if we don't, who gives a shit? Meet new people then. If I go to hell, I don't care if it's just me and Lucifer himself, then we shall become friends. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and it's true. I didn't want to move to Virginia, but I had to, and when I did, I made a couple friends, and I can't say I regret the move. It was an experience, and without them, you just don't know what you're missing; you're like a rock, you sit in the same spot everyday until someone comes along and tosses you in the river. It takes a lot to see life for the way it is. Live life as if you were going to die tomorrow. And I have to say, I have led a great life so far, but I'm not quite ready to leave, there's so much more I want to see and do. I just don't see the point in school for 8 years to potentially die the day after you get your diploma. Those years you could have been doing everything you wanted to be doing and instead you sat in your room studying and making sure that you got your diploma. If you knew you were going to die you would have completely changed the way you lived your life, so why not make it that way regardless.