All right. First of all, this is Jusmine speaking! I am the writer of this little oneshot here. Second of all, this story is totally dedicated to my brilliant cohorts and fellow Terrifying Fairies, Mad Mogg, who made sure it didn't sound too American, and JK Mafia, who was a very wonderful beta. Thanks, guys!
This oneshot is also dedicated to OddlySane, who generously gifted me with the plot bunny responsible for the main idea of this fic.
Disclaimer: If Alex was mine, I daresay that I could afford to buy myself an iPod. Therefore, as I have no iPod, it is quite safe to assume that I do not own Alex Rider.
Now on with the story!
The one thing that Alex Rider wanted to do most in the world was to sleep. Sleep for hours and hours…Hell, sleep for days.
Unfortunately, it hardly seemed that he was going to get any sleep in his current situation, which was stumbling through the Welsh mud.
This was Alex's second time at the SAS training camp, the Brecon Beacons. At least this time he wasn't missing any school, as it was during his summer holidays. This wasn't Alex's ideal summer holiday, but it was better than getting even farther behind on school, or being forced into doing another mission for MI6.
When Alex had asked Mrs. Jones why he was going back to the Brecon Beacons, he had been told that each SAS unit had an annual refreshers course in hell, so when K-Unit was scheduled to go back, MI6 decided that it would be helpful for Alex to complete his training.
Alex was currently on a run. He'd had more time than K-Unit to complete it, but he got the feeling that his 30 minute time-limit was almost up, and he still had about a kilometer left to go.
When he finally stumbled to the end of his run, five minutes late, he was greeted by an unpleasant sight.
"You're five minutes late, Cub!" the Sergeant, a tall, muscled black man barked, making a big show of checking his large, military style watch. "Twenty-five." Alex knew that the man was telling him that he owed twenty-five push-ups
Alex groaned softly as he went down onto his hands and knees to complete his twenty-five push-ups.
When he - finally - finished the push-ups, he was free to get a shower in before "dinner," which would most likely be something that was hardly edible.
Alex passed K-Unit as the other men left the showers. Wolf, the leader of the unit, was rather short, but broad-shouldered and heavily muscled. His serious, slightly Hispanic face was twisted in dislike at the sight of Alex. Wolf immediately marched off towards the mess hall, closely followed by Snake, a tall, thin, fair-skinned man with blue eyes was K-Unit's medic. He had always been a tad more acceptant of Alex, acting almost friendly on their return to the Brecon Beacons, and he seemed to be rather reluctant about following Wolf to the mess. Apparently, however, his stomach was over-ruling his manners.
"Hey, Cub," Fox said. Fox wasn't actually SAS. He used to be a member of K-Unit, but then he'd transferred to MI6 and worked with Alex on the mission with ASIS. Fox was back at Brecon Beacons to get his fitness back up after having been shot in the arm.
"Fox--" Alex began, before Eagle, the last member of K-Unit, interrupted.
"Guess what, Cub?" Eagle was practically bouncing. He seemed to be the youngest. About average height, with dark hair and gray eyes, he was also strangely hyper for a professional soldier. Alex was still unsure what to make of him.
"What?" Alex asked warily. He was pretty sure that it was dangerous for him to have answered the older man, and the faintly evil smile that appeared on the older man's face only confirmed that idea.
"We've already taken our showers! See you at dinner! We might even be able to save some food for you." With that, Eagle bounced off towards the mess, humming cheerfully as he went.
Alex raised an eyebrow at the energetic man's retreating back.
"Er - sorry about that, Cub," Fox began awkwardly. "I mean - about Wolf. And Snake. And Eagle…"
"It's fine," Alex said quietly. "I'm just going to go take a shower…" Alex trailed off, gesturing towards the door that K-Unit had come out of.
"Oh - sorry," Fox apologized awkwardly. "See you at dinner."
Alex nodded and opened the door to the showers.
"Oh, and Cub?"
Alex turned around. "Yeah?"
"We will save you some food," Fox grinned.
"Thanks," Alex smiled slightly. He was too exhausted to laugh.
When Alex had gone to the mess, he found that Fox had kept his word, and he hadn't let the others eat all the food. Alex had eaten his fair share of the disgusting stuff (he wasn't sure it could really be called food), and he would finally, finally get some sleep now.
Back in their cabin, Alex and K-Unit got ready to go to sleep.
Wolf collapsed onto his bunk, only to moan:
"Why are these beds so soft?"
"You call this soft?" Snake demanded, looking distastefully at his rock-hard bunk.
Wolf just grunted in reply; apparently the "softness" of his bunk wasn't going to deter him from a good night's sleep.
Alex sat on his own very uncomfortable bunk while he pulled his boots and jacket off. Yawning, he fell back onto his bunk, his eyes closed, and already half out of the world. Alex sank gently down into sleep.
He was dreaming: He and Jack were in the kitchen, and Alex was a small child again, maybe nine years old.
"Tell me a story!" Alex demanded in his dream…But it wasn't Alex's voice.
It was Eagle's. And that was definitely Wolf's voice answering. "Just go to sleep, Eagle! I'm too tired right now."
"But I'm not tired!" Eagle whined. Alex had never realized how high-pitched Eagle's voice was. "Come on, Wolf! Just one little story? Pleeeeeaasee?"
Even without being about to see Eagle, Alex knew that the man was administering puppy eyes.
"No, Eagle! Fox'll tell you one…" Wolf's voice trailed off to be replaced by a low snore.
"Fox?" Eagle's forlorn voice was quiet. The overall effect was quite piteous.
Fox sighed audibly, as he said patiently, "What story do you want to hear, Eagle?"
"How about Goldilocks?" Eagle asked eagerly.
Fox's sigh was more of a groan this time, his voice was a tad strained as he said, "Fine. Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Eagle--"
"I don't want to be Goldilocks!" Eagle whined. "I never get to be one of the bears! Wolf can be Goldilocks this time." Eagle sounded pleased with his choice for the role.
Wolf reacted rather strongly for someone who was fast asleep. "No way in hell!" he shouted.
"Be quiet!" Snake moaned from his bunk.
"I am not going to be Goldilocks!" Wolf hissed menacingly. "Snake can be," he said decisively.
"No, Snake cannot!" Snake's bunk creaked ominously as he shot upright.
"Come on, Snake - please?" Eagle asked eagerly.
"No way! Fox can be - he'd make a much better Goldilocks." Snake had obviously decided that logic was the way to go.
So had Fox, however. "Hey, guys!" he protested. "I'm telling the story!"
"Then who's going to be Goldilocks?" Snake asked.
"Who cares?" Wolf muttered, but Eagle ignored him.
"Cub can be!" Eagle said excitedly. "He's perfect for it - look, he's even got blond hair!"
There was a badly-concealed snort of laughter from Wolf at that comment. "Oh, yeah, except for those dark roots…" he let his voice trail off at the end.
"Hey," Alex protested weakly, his voice muffled by his pillow. This was definitely a strange dream. "It's not dyed!"
"Well, then you make an even better Goldilocks," Fox put in hastily. He began his story again before anyone could make any more protests:
"Once upon a time there was a little boy named Goldilocks..."
"No! I am not going to be called 'Goldilocks'!" Alex said. "Just call me Cub, alright?"
"Fine," Fox replied, obviously pleased that Alex had only objected at the name, and not the part in the story.
Alex decided that this was the weirdest dream he had ever had as Fox happily continued with his tale…
Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Cub. Cub was a naughty little boy, and was always getting into trouble--
"Hey!" Alex protested, deciding that if he had to live through this awful, traumatizing dream, he might as well participate in it. "Why do I have to be 'naughty'?! That's the least macho adjective you could have used!"
"Well, now you aren't exactly 'macho' in the first place, Cub," Wolf drawled cuttingly.
"Shh!" Eagle hissed. "I'm trying to listen to my story!"
Alex grudgingly swallowed his reply, and Wolf just snorted.
Fox continued his story:
One day he was very naughty, and his mother couldn't handle having him around any more, so she sent him to play in the woods surrounding their little house.
Cub wandered farther into the woods than he'd ever gone before, and he came upon a little cottage in a clearing. The building was very similar to Cub's own house, so he was very curious about it. He was about to go up to the door when the door opened, and three bears came out. Cub quickly ducked behind some bushes. He was very bored, and somehow hiding made this little jaunt seem more adventurous.
"We'll just take a walk while the porridge is cooling," said one of the bears in a high-pitched voice.
"Why, Mommy?" whined one of the other bears, whom Cub now realized were bigger than Whiner.
"They must be a mommy, a daddy, and a me!" Cub whispered very, very quietly.
Cub waited until the three bears had strolled away between the trees before he army-crawled up to the door and slipped quietly inside.
Cub looked around. There was a long, low table with three different-sized bowls of porridge. There was a big one, a medium one, and a little one.
Now, Cub was a very greedy little boy, so he immediately trotted over to the table, and grabbed the spoon beside the biggest bowl, and happily dug into the large bowl.
"Ew!" Cub squealed. "Too hot!"
"I don't 'squeal'!" Alex squealed.
Wolf snorted with laughter. "Yeah? Well what do you call what you just did?"
Alex blushed slightly. "I was merely objecting to the choice of adjectives that Fox is using to describe me!"
"You do squeal sometimes, though, Cub," Eagle said thoughtfully.
"Eagle," Fox said warningly. Turning to Alex, he grinned. "I'll try to refrain from using such…un-macho adjectives, Cub."
Cub moved over to the middle-sized bowl, and took a tentative bite from it.
"Gross! Too spicy!"
Cub very, very, very hesitantly looked towards the small bowl. He almost decided to just skip the porridge, and go explore the rest of the cottage, but his stomach growled just then, and so he just had to try the littlest bowl.
So, he moved slowly over to the littlest bowl. He picked up the spoon, and dipped it very carefully into the littlest bowl…"Perfect!" was the exclamation this time, and Cub's hunger took over.
"Whoops!" he said guiltily a scant few minutes later, after completely demolishing the Littlest Bowl's porridge.
"Please tell me that we won't have to listen to 'Goldilocks'," Snake cut in, interrupting the story.
"We already are," Eagle said helpfully, thinking that maybe Snake was suffering from a bad case of short term memory loss.
Snake was glaring. Alex knew that even before the man started rummaging around in his bag, eventually pulling out a torch, and turning it on.
"I meant," he began, "that we shouldn't have to listen to the Goldilocks 'plotline'. Y'know, porridge, chairs, beds. It would be quite ironic if Fox were to put something with guns in it, seeing as where we are right now." he glanced around the hut distastefully.
"Fine," Fox said irritably. "Now shut up and let me finish the story!"
Now, a full stomach always made Cub hyper, so the next thing on his agenda was to explore the rest of the cottage. He marched away from the table and the door…and - as he wasn't exactly looking where he was going - walked smack-dab into a cabinet.
Cub about-faced and walked past the cabinet before he realized that there was something very odd about it: Only three of the walls were made of traditional wood. The other wall was made of some clear wood that Cub had never seen before.
"What is that?" Cub asked himself quietly. And then he realized that there were three strange devices inside the cabinet - he could, of course, see these objects through the clear wood, which Cub decided to call "glass".
Curious, Cub walked back around to the front of the cabinet. He now saw a handle on the Glass side of the cabinet. So, or course, he decided that he had to open the door and find out what those strange black things were.
The door's hinges creaked ominously, and for the first time since he'd entered the bear's cottage uninvited, Cub was a little scared. What if those bears came back?
Cub shrugged these minor worries off. He just had to see those black thingies up close!
He swung the door all the way out, as far as it would go, and climbed up onto the small ledge where the door had been, wincing as he scraped his knee on a rough bit of wood.
"Ow!" he squealed as a few drops of blood rose from his scraped knee and splattered down to the floor and the ledge that Cub was currently occupying.
"Oh, never mind!" he muttered to himself as he stretched up very, very high to reach for the biggest black thingy. He had to go up on tip-toes to reach the bottom of it. Now all he had to do was actually get the black thingy down.
Meanwhile, he'd realized what the black thingies really were: "They're guns!" Cub announced happily to himself. "Mommy told me about them…But she told me never to touch one…" His voice trailed off as he weighed his conscience versus his curiosity.
His curiosity won, and he returned to the task of getting the guns down.
Which was harder than he'd expected. Cub eventually ended up having to give a little hop to pop it off of its hook at the top of the cabinet.
Then, of course, he fell over backwards, landing on his butt, and clutching the gun to his chest.
"That's cold!" he said rather loudly, his voice echoing around the tiny room. He paused, holding his breath, once again hoping that the bears hadn't heard, and therefore weren't returning. After a moment, he sighed with relief, and stood up slowly.
Finally Cub could look at this strange, cold, black gun up close! But now he realized that it was actually rather heavy, and he almost dropped it.
"Maybe this one's too heavy…" Cub decided that it might be better to get the medium-sized gun, so that he wouldn't drop it.
Unfortunately, after maneuvering the medium-sized down, he realized that this one was also too big and heavy, leaving him with but one choice: the littlest gun.
This time, it was easier to get the gun down, as the hook that the gun was resting on was lower than the others
After not too much difficulty, he gripped it firmly to his chest, holding it with both arms, and marched over to the porridge table. Giving a disdainful look towards the biggest and middle-sized bowls, Cub shoved them roughly away. They fell off of the table with a bump and a slight squelching sound as the porridge splashed out.
Then he set the gun down in the place that the bowls had been in.
Giving a reverent look to the Littlest Bowl, he very carefully picked the beautiful wooden bowl up and hugged it before putting it safely under the table.
Now Cub marched excitedly back to the gun.
Examining it closely, he saw that it was very strangely shaped: It was long, and one end was thick, while the other end was rather thin. Also, at the thick end, there was a strange piece that curved down and towards the thick end.
Cub examined the black gun thingy from all angles, and now saw the piece along what he assumed was the top. The piece was just a round thing that was clear except for a few black lines on it.
Cub propped the gun up on the table, so that the "top," with the round thing, was facing up. Cub stretched his arms way down the gun, as far as they could go (which was only a little ways down the gun), and managed to hold the piece that curved down. When his arms had been stretching, he'd heard a slight clicking sound, but he'd just figured that his wrist had popped. It had been doing that a lot recently.
But as his fingers wrapped around the curving part, he heard a far more alarming noise than that one little pop: there was a series of louder pops, and a shredding sound. Cub looked up tentatively, almost afraid that that was the bears coming back. Cub jumped as he realized that that shredding noise had been the wall, of which pieces were now in splinters.
Cub looked down at the gun again. "Whoops! I didn't mean to fire it!" he sounded guilty, even to his own ears. He quickly decided, however, that it didn't really matter. After all, it wasn't as if that was his wall.
"I'm glad to see that you've given me such fine morals," Alex said dryly, thinking that he should've been too tired to have such an insane dream. Apparently not.
"Cub, just stop thinking of you and Cub as being the same people!" Snake said irritably. "I want to listen to the story."
"You're actually listening to it, Snake?" Wolf snorted. "I guess you would be one to enjoy maimed fairytales."
Snake blushed. "Fox tells it well," he blustered.
Fox started laughing almost hysterically. "Thanks," he managed to gasp out. It took him almost five minutes to regain his control enough to continue the story.
Cub was getting bored of playing with the gun by now, so he turned his attention elsewhere.
He began walking in the direction that he had been heading in before he ran across the guns. This time, though, he avoided the cabinet, carefully walking around it.
Once he'd successfully maneuvered his way around the cabinet, Cub saw a door. It was closed, so of course it piqued Cub's mischievous interest.
Grinning deviously, he marched over to the Mysterious Closed Door, and reached up to turn the door handle. The door moaned as Cub shoved it in. The door hit the wall with a dull thud as cub had had to push it very hard to get it open. Apparently a little too hard, as there was now a dent where the door handle had hit the wall.
Cub once again decided that it didn't matter since it wasn't his wall.
Now, of course, there was the task of finding out what was in the room. "This is gonna be fun!" he grinned.
He marched swiftly into the room past the Mysterious Open Door, and immediately noticed yet another door to the left of the door he'd just opened.
"Doors are fun," he told himself, so he marched over to the newest victim.
After a brief tussle with said door, Cub realized that this door opened towards him, instead of away from him. This realized, he found that it was ridiculously easy to open Mysterious Closed Door, Jr.
"Now what are these?" Cub muttered to himself, when he saw what he was faced with strange black vest things. And, of course, there were three of them. A big one, a medium-sized one, and a small one.
Cub decided to get a closer look, so he walked into the closet, and strained to reach his short arms way, way, way high up, and pull the biggest one off of the highest hook.
When he finally got it down, using the hop technique that had been so effective in getting those guns down, Cub was surprised to find that the vest was really quite stiff, and even huger than he'd previously realized.
He shrugged and decided to try it on anyway.
"Ugh! It looks like a dress!" he squeaked, and immediately shrugged it off, deciding that the medium-sized vest might fit better.
"Still too big! Maybe the littlest one…?"
He repeated the process of getting a vest down for the third time. As it had been with the guns, the littlest thing was easiest to get down, as its hook was lower.
"This one fits just right!" was the pronouncement this time.
Still happily wearing his new vest, Cub marched back out of the closet, and into the room, which he now realized was utterly fascinating. It had beds. Three of them, of the usual sizes: big, medium and little.
Not only were there three beds to choose from, but they also all looked so soft, and so comfortable.
Cub thought that the biggest bed looked to be the softest one of the lot. Unfortunately, it seemed that he would have to take a running start to get on top of it.
So Cub marched back to the door that he had entered the room through in the first place, and about-faced so that he was turned towards the big bed. Taking a deep breath, he launched himself towards the big bed, and pumped his arms for maximum speed.
He leaped up high into the air, and bounced down onto the big bed, which was way too hard, and he landed on the flabby parts that prolong the small of the back.
"What the hell?" Wolf asked, actually sounding interested.
"It's from 'The Three Musketeers'," Snake said. "Now shut up."
"Ow!" Cub shrieked. "Beds are supposed to be soft!"
He hopped down off of the big bed, rubbing his behind as he did so. He looked up at the medium-sized bed that was right next to the big bed, and wondered if it was softer or not.
Shrugging, he decided to try it anyway. The middle-sized bed was lower than the biggest bed, but Cub would still have to take a running start. So he repeated the same process that he'd gone through to get onto the biggest bed.
This time he yelled "I'm drowning!" as he sank farther and farther down into the mattress, which couldn't really be a bed. It had to be a marshmallow masquerading as a bed.
Flailing his arms and legs frantically, Cub managed to extract himself from the Marshmallow, and fell heavily onto the ground. Groaning from his violent contact with the floor, Cub glared up at the Marshmallow. "If I knew which finger to use, I'd flip you off!" he muttered to the Evil Bed.
"Aw, little Cubby doesn't even know which finger to use," Wolf laughed hysterically. "It's time for a little lesson, don't you think, Cubby?" He then demonstrated the fine points of "the finger etiquette".
"Shut up, Wolf," Cub yawned, though why he was yawning when he was already asleep and dreaming, he wasn't sure. "Fox? Just get the damn story over with already."
Cub eyed the littlest bed dubiously, wondering if he managed to get on it if the result would be less hazardous.
Cub decided that he might as well try it. It wouldn't be as hard to get onto as the biggest bed and the Marshmallow had been because it was low enough for him to climb onto.
Cub marched over to his new victim, and began the rather difficult task of climbing up and up to the mattress of the littlest bed.
As he lay down on the bed, Cub shouted joyfully:
Yawning, he realized just how tired he was. Remembering what his mother had always told him about spending the night somewhere without her approval, Cub decided that it didn't matter. He was, after all, a very naughty little boy, and very rarely did as he was told anyway.
Cub settled back onto the pillow, and pulled up the sheets. He was suddenly too tired to even remove his combat boots. All he could do was reach into his pocket and pull out his iPod, and turn up his Nightwish. (1) Once his beloved tunes were blasting in his ears, Cub quickly fell fast asleep…
Meanwhile, the three bears were coming back to their home. The last thing they expected to see as they entered through their front door was the biggest bowl, and the middle-sized bowl and their contents to be spilled all over the floor. They didn't expect to see the littlest bowl, completely empty, placed carefully under the table.
They didn't expect to see their gun cabinet open, with all the guns out of it, the littlest of which was lying on the table where their porridge had been.
And they definitely didn't expect to see one of their walls riddled with bullet-holes.
"What happened here?" the middle-sized bear gasped.
"Please don't tell me the bears are who I think they are!" Wolf moaned.
Fox just grinned evilly.
Whiner - the smallest bear - let out a high-pitched squeal of some sort, hopping up and down while he did so.
"Well, that one's definitely Eagle." Snake said, rolling his eyes.
It was a sign of how into the story Eagle was that he didn't take offense at that.
The biggest bear just stood there, working his jaw.
The middle-sized bear, whose name was Snake, quickly marched over to the spilled porridge, muttering quite viciously to herself. Snake was shadowed by Whiner - a.k.a. Eagle.
The biggest bear, whose name was Wolf, marched over to the wall Cub had inadvertently peppered with bullets.
"Oh god, no!" Wolf shrieked. "I didn't sign up to be a bear! I didn't even audition!"
"I think that you'd have gotten the part anyway, Wolf," Alex smirked. "Didn't you go to drama school?"
Wolf flushed. "Shut up, Cub."
"Keep telling, Fox!" Eagle said eagerly.
Of course, at this point in time, the three bears didn't know that Cub had done of this. They didn't even know who Cub was.
"And why couldn't it be like that in real life?" Wolf said dramatically.
After Wolf finished his examination of the freshly "Cubbed" wall, he marched over to their gun cabinet.
Examining it inch by inch, Wolf discovered a few drops of blood on and around the bottom of the cabinet.
Wolf stuck a finger into a drop of blood, and brought both finger and blood up to his nose. Taking a long, deep sniff, Wolf beckoned Snake and Eagle, who had been cleaning up the remaining porridge, over.
"Human blood," Wolf growled quietly as Snake and Eagle approached him now.
"There's a human in our house?" Snake demanded, her mouth set in a firm line.
"What's going on, Wolfy?" Strangely, Eagle called his father "Wolfy". "What's a 'human'?"
"What?! Why is Wolf my father?!" Eagle shrieked. "He's not that much older than me!"
"Just shut up and listen to the story already!" Snake whined.
Wolf ignored Eagle, and gave Snake a meaningful look. "Yes, and I think that It is in our bedroom. Do you hear It snoring?" Wolf nodded his head in the direction of the door to the bedroom.
Snake cocked her head to one side, and a look of great concentration came over her face. "Yes, I believe I do!" she exclaimed after a few moments.
"'Her head'?" Snake asked dangerously.
"You just noticed that you were a girl, Snake?" Alex grinned.
"Why do I have to be a girl?" Snake complained.
"It has to follow the Goldilocks plot, Snake," Fox said patiently.
"Goldilocks has a plot?" Alex asked blankly.
"Only in the loosest sense of the word," Wolf actually agreed with Alex on something, it seemed. "Snake, you've always been a bit of a sissy, so it makes sense that you're the girl."
"You definitely shouldn't have said that," Fox grinned evilly.
"Why? What are you going to do?" Wolf asked nervously.
"I'm not going to do anything. But Snake'll have to get payback in the story."
"I'm hungry," Eagle announced. "Can we eat a 'human'?"
"Of course not!" Snake answered at the same time that Wolf said:
"Why not? It ate our breakfast."
"Wolf!" Snake was appalled at Wolf's logic. Eagle, however, didn't seem to like conversations on an empty stomach.
"Well? Can we, or can't we?" he demanded impatiently.
"Yes," Wolf glared at Snake. "Look, dear," he said in an undertone, "if we let this…this human" -- there was a wealth of distaste in his tone -- "go, It'll go tell other humans that we live here, and they'll come after us. I, personally, would much rather eat one human than be attacked by a dozen or more of them."
Snake nodded slowly, reluctantly. "Fine, fine."
"You're going to eat me?!" Alex yelled.
"I like this story!" Wolf laughed evilly, rubbing his hands together.
Wolf grinned evilly. Turning to Eagle, he said, "Yes!"
"Huh?" Eagle said blankly, tearing his gaze away from a butterfly that had flown through the still open front door.
Wolf sighed. "Yes, we can eat the human," he explained with exaggerated patience.
"Sweet!" Eagle yelped.
"You can say that again…" Wolf said under his breath, looking very innocent when Snake glared at him.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Eagle demanded.
Wolf shrugged. "Let's go!"
"Wait," Snake laid a restraining hand on Wolf's arm.
"I thought we already had this conversation? We're going to eat it, and that's final!"
Snake glared at him. "I was going to suggest that we grab the salt," she said scathingly.
"Oh," Wolf quelled under her gaze. "Right, well. Grab it, then." he regained his composure.
"Wait a minute! Since when have I 'quelled under her gaze'?!" Wolf demanded.
"Since you said that Snake was a sissy, and I told you that she'd - sorry, he - get payback," Fox grinned.
Snake rolled her eyes, and turned to grab the salt out of a cupboard. "Now we can go eat the human."
As the three bears advanced towards their bedroom, Eagle tugged on his father's elbow. "Wolfy? What do humans look like?" he asked quietly.
Wolf stopped walking to answer him. "They have - You see, they have two drumsticks--" at Snake's glare, Wolf quickly corrected himself. "I mean legs! They have two legs…And a--and a head! Yeah, they have a head. And they're short…About this tall," he used his paws to demonstrate a very vague height. "And--"
But Eagle had already turned to his mother. "What do humans look like, Mummy?"
"Well, dear, they look a bit like us, but a little shorter, and they don't have a lovely fur coat like you do," Snake smiled down at her son.
"Why didn't you just say what Mommy said?" Eagle looked innocently up at his father.
Wolf just snorted and muttered something along the lines of:
"--Sissy way of explaining things. Butter up the kid, he won't even hear what you said…" His little rant continued as he resumed his march towards the bedroom door.
Eagle giggled quietly at the expression on his mother's face, which was somewhere between wanting to punch Wolf or cracking up.
"Yeah, like you could punch me," Wolf said to Snake.
"Shut up," Snake said casually. "You're afraid of me, remember?"
Wolf flushed. "That's in the story!"
When the three bears walked into their bedroom, they once again saw a disaster area: all of their bullet-proof vests were taken down, and Eagle's was missing. Snake's carefully wrinkle-free made beds were now covered in wrinkles. Wolf's and Snake's beds, that is. Eagle's bed was currently occupied.
"It's sleeping in my bed!" Eagle whisper-shrieked. He hopped up and down in place. "And it's wearing my bullet-proof vest!"
"You'd better not touch my stuff any more," Eagle warned Alex.
"I haven't touched any of your stuff!" Alex protested.
"You just did," Eagle said blankly.
"Eagle. That was a story."
"Just don't touch my stuff, okay?" Eagle blustered.
Snake put a hand on her young son's shoulder. "It's all right. We're going to eat it now, remember? It won't be stealing your things any more."
"Surround the captive, soldiers!" Wolf whispered commandingly.
Snake and Eagle immediately fanned out, surrounding Cub where he lay, snoring, in Eagle's bed.
"Ha! So I am in command!" Wolf said jubilantly.
Everyone else just ignored him, waiting to see what was going to happen next.
When all three bears were in position, Wolf opened his mouth and let loose a loud growl. Wolf, Snake and Eagle had all expected the human to wake immediately, so they were all greatly surprised when it snored peacefully on.
"Maybe it's acting?" Snake suggested. "Like an opossum plays 'dead'. Except it's playing 'asleep'."
"And what good would that do it?" Wolf muttered. Snake acted like she hadn't heard him, choosing instead to walk up to the bed, and bend over the human.
"It's not faking," she announced, standing up straight. "It didn't even twitch when I leaned over it."
"Ooh, that's a surprise," Wolf muttered sarcastically.
Snake fixed an ice-cold stare on him. "What was that, dear?"
"Nothing, sweetheart!" Wolf would never admit it to anyone, but he thought that Snake could be quite intimidating at times.
"Fox, you know that's not fair! Snake is not intimidating! And I would never call him - her - sweetheart!" he added.
"Just shut up!" Fox finally yelled.
"That's what I thought," Snake smirked smugly. Wolf didn't have to admit it to her - she already knew.
"Try roaring again, Wolfy!" Eagle had been bemoaning his empty stomach in not-so-subtle hints in the background the whole time that his parents had been discussing the human. Now Eagle was ready for some action.
Wolf complied. This time, he took an extra-large breath, and roared louder than he ever had in his life.
It was unchanged, still snoring away.
"Why do you keep calling me 'it'?" Alex asked.
"Because I want to," Fox shrugged.
This time, both Snake and Wolf moved forward to inspect the human.
"What are these things?" Wolf asked his wife, pointing at two small black objects, one in each of the human's ears, with a black cord connecting them.
"Look, that cord goes all the way down there," Snake pointed at the human's stomach, where it's hands were folded over the end of the black cord, and a rectangular silver object.
Wolf and Snake exchanged bemused glances. And then Eagle came to the rescue. Bounding forward to join his parents, he, too, spied the strange black and silver objects. But Eagle knew what they were.
"Sweet!" he shrieked. "It's got an iPod! Can I have it after we eat It? Please?"
"I've always wanted an iPod!" Eagle said dreamily.
"You don't have one?" Alex asked. "Who doesn't have an iPod?"
"You have one?" Eagle asked excitedly. "Can I have it?"
"Oh, sure," Alex said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"It's got a what?" Snake asked.
"An iPod!" Eagle rolled his eyes at the ignorance that comes with old age. "They play music, and they're totally awesome!"
"I don't hear any music," Wolf said, cocking his head.
"Duh, Wolfy!" Eagle was astonished at his parents' lack of technology-awareness. "That's because it's playing through the headphones! You know, those black things in It's ears? Those are headphones. So It can hear the music, but we can't. Cool, huh?"
"So that's why It can't hear us," Snake mused.
"Oh, bravo, me," Snake rolled his eyes.
"I wonder what It's listening to…After all, whatever music is on that iPod will be mine soon! Mwahahahaha!" Eagle rubbed his hands together in glee.
"I've always wanted to do the evil laugh…" Eagle mused.
"Be quiet, Eagle!" Snake said. "We're trying to think."
"We are?" Eagle asked blankly.
"No, we are," Snake said, indicating herself and Wolf.
"Right. Sorry!" Eagle whispered before going back to mumbling how cool it would be to have an iPod of his very own.
"I guess the only thing to do is shake It," Snake's voice broke the near-silence.
"I'll do it," Wolf volunteered bravely. "And as soon as he wakes up, we pounce him, all right?"
At Snake and Eagle's nods, Wolf prepared himself for battle. He did a few little stretches, focusing mainly on the muscles around his mouth, so that he wouldn't pull a muscle when he ate the human.
Finally, he gave a nod to his family, squared his shoulders, and walked closer to the bed. Steeling himself, he clapped a paw down onto It's shoulder, and shook It rather violently.
It mumbled a protest. Something along the lines of:
"I don' wanna go to school…" and "Ew! I don't like bear meat! Bears are friends, not food!"
"Why are you quoting 'Finding Nemo'?" Wolf asked, raising an eyebrow.
"How do you know what it's from?" Fox laughed.
Wolf hesitated, trying to come up with a good alibi. "I - uh, my girlfriend likes that movie!"
"Right," Alex said sarcastically. "It's alright, we all know about your little Disney addiction."
"Cub, I swear--"
"Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?" Snake said. "Just listen to the fucking story! Continue, Fox," he commanded, leaning back against the wall next to his bed.
Wolf drew back in surprise at the last one, and glanced over at Snake. "Maybe It's just pretending to be asleep?"
Snake looked both shocked and touched at the same time. "I don't know…Are we still going to eat It?" Her eyes softened slightly when she looked down at the sleeping human boy.
"Maybe we can keep him as a pet?" she suggested.
"Him?" Wolf repeated. "Aw, Snake, you're already getting attached, aren't you? And I'm still hungry," he added quietly.
"Yes, him," Snake reiterated. "And, yes, I am 'getting attached'!"
"If we keep…him…as a pet, do I still get the iPod?" Eagle asked slowly.
"I don't see why not," Snake reassured him.
"Oh, okay!" Eagle said happily. "Can we keep him, Mummy? Wolfy? I promise I'll feed him, and water him every day! And he can have my baths," he added as an afterthought.
"Of course," Snake smiled.
"But I'm still hungry!" Wolf protested loudly.
Both Snake and Eagle turned very intense glares on him, and he wilted considerably.
"My human!" Eagle hissed menacingly.
"Eagle? Menacing?" Wolf laughed.
"Is there anything to eat in the pantry?" he asked, intimidated.
"I believe there's a loaf of fresh bread," Snake said, happy that he was no longer hell-bent on eating the human.
"Good!" Wolf said, considerably more cheerful at the prospect of food. "I think I'll just-"
"Go make it into toast for the human?" Snake smoothly cut him off.
"Don't forget the jam!" Snake interrupted again, smiling sweetly.
Wolf stomped huffily off. "Work, work, work. That's all I'm good for around here!" he muttered. (2)
Snake rolled her eyes at Wolf's little "Drama Queen" moment before she turned her attention towards waking the small human.
"You know, Fox," Eagle said conversationally. "You're making Snake into a total Mary-Sue."
"A total Mary-what?" Fox asked.
"A Mary-Sue. It's a term generally used in fan fiction to refer to a female character that's too perfect and lacking flaws," Wolf said absently.
"Wait, you read fan fiction, Wolf?" Alex laughed, thinking that this must be the weirdest dream in the history of weird dreams. "Of what? Twilight?"
Wolf blushed faintly. "N-no!" he stuttered.
"You do!" Alex laughed hysterically.
"Aw, you think I'm perfect, Wolf?" Snake said, batting his eyes.
"Do you guys want to hear the rest of the story or not?" Fox demanded.
First Snake decided to try taking his "iPod" away. He didn't wake up when his music stopped playing, so Snake had to move on to more drastic measures: she gripped both of his arms, and hoisted him up into a sitting position. He mumbled something, and Snake, satisfied that he was awake, let go of his arms.
The human immediately fell back onto Eagle's pillow.
Snake just stared at him for a moment, wondering if maybe he really was acting. She shook that thought away, though, and she moved on to the next phase of her plan.
She marched over to Wolf's desk in the corner of the room, and grabbed his special hand-carved, collector's edition alarm clock. Back at Eagle's bed, she quickly wound the clock, and set it off right in the human's ears. Snake thought that the alarm sounded a bit like a bull moose on a rampage.
Yet the human still didn't wake up. Snake tried everything that she could think of, from playing around on Eagle's drum set to dancing to dancing a jig right there next to the bed. Eagle wasn't being any help. He'd taken the "iPod" and was sifting through the human's music. And Wolf, of course, was still in the kitchen pigging out.
Snake was desperately trying to wake the pygmy human up. What if he was in a coma or something?
Snake had now moved into desperate measures: singing. She didn't like showing off, which was why she hadn't tried this before, but she figured that anyone would wake up at her melodious tones. The human stayed asleep, however, and the only reaction Snake's singing got was Eagle ripping off his headphones and shrieking:
"Where's Wolfy?! Did he go after that mountain lion without me? He must have! I heard it shrieking!" he took off towards the door.
"Eagle, what are you talking about? Your father's still in the kitchen!"
"Then what was that awful screeching sound?" Eagle asked slowly.
"What? The only sound was me singing!" Snake was confused.
Realization slowly spread over Eagle's face. "Oh, so that was that lovely sound I heard!"
Snake beamed and nodded, missing the sarcastic undercurrents in Eagle's voice.
Eagle rolled his eyes and put his headphones back on.
Fox had to stop telling the story momentarily due to major fits of laughter, his own and Eagle's and Wolf's.
"So - so true!" Eagle gasped out, holding his side.
"I don't sing that bad," Snake muttered sullenly. This statement only caused the others to laugh more.
Eventually, Wolf sat up and said:
"Snake, we don't really need guns. All we really need as an offensive weapon is your singing." Unfortunately for Snake, this caused his teammates to crack up again. Eagle was actually crying from laughing too hard.
Alex was watching this scene with a strange mixture of humor, exasperation, and terror. "You're the people defending our country?" he asked softly. "That scares me."
Fox heard him, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, we could say the same thing about you, Cub," he grinned.
"I'm bored," Eagle said suddenly. "Continue, oh great storyteller!" he bowed at Fox, who laughed, and obediently recommenced story time.
Snake went back to waking the human. She did some rather random things. At one point, she dashed into the kitchen, caught a guilty-looking Wolf emptying the cupboard, told him off briefly, and grabbed a bowl and a spoon. Back in the bedroom, Snake beat the spoon around the inside of the bowl, thinking that maybe the human had been trained that that meant "food". Even this didn't wake him, though, and he snored on.
Finally, Snake sank down onto her own bed, turning ideas around and around in her head. Suddenly, she stood up.
"I know!" she shouted. "I'll get some cold water, dump it on him!" she snapped her fingers in joy.
The human woke up, blinking slowly. He gave a great, jaw-cracking yawn.
Looking around, he spotted Eagle bobbing his head, plugged into the iPod.
"My iPod!" Cub shrieked. "There's a bear listening to my iPod!"
Snake sighed in relief. "You're awake! Finally. I tried everything to wake you!"
"Why?" Cub asked curiously. "All you have to do is snap your fingers and I'm up." Then Cub looked at Snake more closely. "You - you - you're a b-bear, too!" he gasped.
"I'm Snake," she nodded.
"No, you're a bear, not a snake," Cub explained patiently.
"Yes, I'm a bear. My name is Snake."
"Oh…Who's that?" Cub pointed at Eagle.
"That's Eagle. My son," Snake beamed proudly.
"He's kinda funny looking," Cub giggled.
Snake immediately grew offended. "I don't think he's funny-looking!"
"Actually, he kind of is…" Snake muttered, still miffed about the singing hysteria.
"He's got a big nose!" Cub snickered.
"I beg your pardon!" Snake was all fluffed-up.
Eagle looked up now and saw Cub sitting up.
"Mum! Human's awake!" he shrieked, turning off the iPod.
"I noticed," Snake said dryly, still glaring at Cub.
"You've got a big nose!" Cub informed Eagle.
"Oh, yeah?" Eagle glared. "Well, guess what? If you don't make a good pet, you'll always make a crackin' good chimney sweep!" (3)
"Pet?!" Cub was astonished. "I'm not allowed to have a pet! Why are you allowed to have a pet?"
"Because Mommy wouldn't let me and Wolfy eat you! She wanted to keep you as a pet," Eagle nodded smugly.
At this, Wolf walked into the bedroom. "Eat?" he asked hopefully.
Cub shrieked. "I'm not a snack! If anything, I should be eating you! My daddy drags bears home sometimes. They always taste so good…" he sighed wistfully, missing the shocked look from Snake, and the glares from Eagle and Wolf.
"Then why did you say 'Bears are friends, not food' when you were asleep?" Snake asked quietly.
"Huh? I said that? Did you get it?"
"Get what?" Wolf growled.
"The joke! That's the punch line -- 'Bears are friends, not food'! Funny joke, too. Do you want to hear it?"
"No!" all three bears shouted at once.
"You don't have to shout!" Cub pouted.
"I still say we should eat him," Wolf grumbled. "He's too loud to keep him as a pet."
"I beg your pardon!" Cub gasped. "What a horrible thing to say, Mr. Bear!"
"That's Mr. Wolf to you, buckwheat!" Wolf growled.
"But you're not a wolf," Cub pointed out with devastating logic.
Wolf mumbled something under his breath, causing Eagle's eyes to get really big, and making him gasp:
"Wolfy! I didn't know you knew that many words!"
Snake glared at Wolf, and put her paws over Eagle's ears. Wolf seemed to blush under her gaze - though how he managed to blush through all that fur, Cub wasn't sure. And he definitely wasn't going to ask.
When Snake and Wolf started arguing, Cub finally realized that he was stuck in a room with three bears - at least one of whom had expressed an interest in eating him - who happened to be blocking the door. Cub gulped. How on earth am I going to get away? He thought. Looking around, he spotted a little window on the other side of the room. He figured that if he jumped up a little, he'd probably be able to escape through it.
Making up his mind, he began inching towards the little window.
The three bears were still arguing. Well, two of them were arguing. Eagle was still gaping at Wolf, wondering where he had acquired such an interesting vocabulary.
Some time later, just when Cub was getting to the window, Snake won the argument, which had begun to resemble a stand-down in a bad shoot-'em-up western film.
Snake, looking very smug, looked around for the wee human, who happened to be frantically trying to climb out of the window. She gasped and shrieked, "Wolf, he's escaping!"
"So he is!" Wolf knew that the very best way to punish a naughty "pet" was to eat it, so he was secretly overjoyed that the human was trying to escape.
Wolf rushed back out of the bedroom door to where the guns were kept.
Cub, meanwhile, had managed to get his belt caught on the window. He was beginning to feel a bit like the beetle that was pinned onto the velvet cushion of his mother's bug collection.
Wolf dashed back into the room, brandishing his M16, a manic gleam in his eyes.
"Where is he? Let me at 'im!" he growled.
"He's getting out through the window, Wolfy!" Eagle shrieked helpfully.
Wolf, the opportunist that he was, was privately thrilled that he had been given a license to devour. Well, just a license to prevent escape for now, but the human was certainly giving Wolf a good case against him.
Grinning, Wolf took careful aim, and…managed to shoot Cub's belt and free the little scoundrel.
Cub leaped out the window with a triumphant shout, which quickly turned into a terrified squeak when he realized that he was somehow a good ten feet off the ground - more than two times Cub's own height!
Snake turned fiercely on Wolf. "You fu-" she began, but with a quick glance to Eagle, she quickly changed what she had been about to say. "Moron! You absolute moron!"
Wolf shrank back under her glare. "I'll just - go around the front and catch him like that," he gestured vaguely in the direction of the front door.
"You do that," Snake hissed venomously, and Wolf scampered off after the human.
Meanwhile, Eagle was trying to climb out of the window. He was sadly lacking in technique, however, and seemed to be attempting to do a snout-dive. He almost did, too, but Snake grabbed him before he could slither out completely.
"Aw, Mum!" Eagle whined. "What'd you do that for?!" Snake just glared at him, obviously not deigning it worthy of a reply.
"It was just going into the woods," Eagle said. "I coulda caught It!"
Snake raised an eyebrow. "You're calling him 'It' again, then?" she asked.
Eagle shrugged. "Well, It didn't seem to want to be a pet, so we might as well eat It."
"'Might as well eat it'?" Snake repeated slowly. "You're getting more and more like your father every day. Always 'thinking' with your stomachs!" she used air quotes when she said 'thinking'.
"I was looking forward to that porridge, but then It ate mine. So if I eat It, then technically, I'd finally get to eat my porridge. Y'know, 'cause it's in him…It!" he corrected himself quickly.
Snake looked faintly disgusted. "I was wrong. You're too much like your father already!"
Eagle wasn't sure if that was a compliment or an insult. So he ignored it.
Outside, Wolf was quickly gaining on the human. He admittedly had a great advantage: his legs were much longer than the human's drumsticks were.
Wolf happily took advantage of that advantage.
So, all in all, Wolf thought that the chase was going rather well, and he expected to apprehend the human at any moment. Unfortunately for Wolf, said human had decided to go all "mini Robin Hood" and lead him a merry chase through the branches of trees. Wolf was finding it more difficult to follow the human's trail now, but he could still smell where It had gone.
Of course, not even Wolf was stupid enough to try to follow him through the trees. Instead, he kept on trundling along the ground.
To Cub's great surprise, he discovered that running for his life was actually rather fun. Or, more accurately, swinging for his life, as he was doing his best monkey impression, swinging through the treetops - well, actually, swinging on the lowest branches. But, still, he was thoroughly enjoying himself.
"I should do this more often," he reflected thoughtfully, just before his grip on the branch slipped, and he fell into a painful heap on the ground.
Cub let out a shriek so shrill that he couldn't even hear it. Wolf, however, could, and the sound made him shiver. Surely that wasn't a natural sound? His first thought was that maybe the bogeyman really existed. But then he realized that something must have happened to the human, and that that must be where the horrible keening sound was coming from.
Wolf broke into a run, following the keening. He decided that It must have some serious lungs, as the sound hadn't even let up in the past five minutes.
The sound was getting closer with every step, and Wolf suddenly saw It curled up on the ground beneath a branch.
Chuckling evilly, Wolf put on the brakes. But he soon discovered that he had far too much momentum built up to stop immediately. He ended up running into a tree because he had been so focused on slowing down that he hadn't even noticed the tree in front of him.
Wolf found himself in the middle of a Wolf-shaped dent in the tree, with his own voice joining in with the keening, a few octaves above the human's voice, even.
"I do not shriek!" Wolf objected violently.
"And we care why?" Snake muttered, still mad from the singing discussion from before.
Wolf ordered himself to stop adding to that dreadful sound, but found that he couldn't stop. Worse than that, he couldn't breathe, because he couldn't stop screeching. He figured that he would have to keep shrieking until his lungs overrode his mind's command.
His lungs finally gave out, and he was able to stop shrieking. Amazingly, the human was still at it, making Wolf wince at the sheer volume of the shriek.
Wolf pulled himself out of the tree, wincing as he did so. Covering his ears, he leaned down to inspect the human more closely. He noticed that It's lungs seemed to be flagging, as the pitch of the shriek was slowly dropping.
Finally, the human fainted from lack of air, and Wolf breathed a sigh of relief. Of course, now Wolf had to carry the human all the way back to the house. Sighing, he picked up the human, and started marching.
What seemed like hours later to Wolf - it was only about half an hour - he staggered into view of his house.
Snake was sitting outside, waiting for him. He didn't see Eagle, though…until he ran up and started poking at the human, that is.
The human was still out even after the long, jolting journey. Snake had gotten up, and was running towards them. Stopping in front of Wolf, she ordered him to go put the human back in Eagle's bed.
"My bed?" Eagle shrieked. "Why does it have to be my bed? Why can't it be your bed, Wolfy? Or yours, M -" he swallowed at Snake's glare.
"Because I said so," Snake snapped. "Now carry him in, Wolf!"
Grumbling furiously, Wolf carried the human into the house and to Eagle's bed. Wolf placed the human on the bed surprisingly gently, so as to not bruise his meal.
Snake and Eagle had followed, secretly enjoying the sight of Wolf huffing and puffing along.
Snake marched over to the bed and snapped her fingers sharply. The human jolted awake, and at once his face took on an expression of one who was resigned to déjà vu.
The first thing that Cub really noticed was Snake standing above him, in the process of folding her arms, a dangerous look on her face. Cub gulped, trying not to imagine how pissed off they would all be at him.
But when Snake spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle…for an angry bear, anyway. "And what did you do that for?"
"Um…do what?" Cub squeaked nervously, surveying Eagle and Wolf who were too busy drooling and licking their lips to say anything.
Snake's foot started tapping, and Cub wondered vaguely whether she was like a skunk, and that was a warning sign. Cub heard Snake growl, and he realized belatedly that he had wondered that out loud.
Cub gulped as Snake leaned in, putting one paw on either side of him, leaning in until her snout was almost touching his nose, and her hot breath washed over his face.
"Why did you make us chase you?" she asked, enunciating each word sharply.
Panicking slightly, Cub did what he usually did in these sort of situations: bluster. It was a foolproof plan of action, it's success rate one out of ten.
"Technically I didn't force anyone to chase me," Cub pointed out reasonably.
"You ran away," Snake growled. "And you're our pet, which means that we were required to chase you."
Wolf started slightly at the mention of the word "pet". "We're still going to keep it as a pet?" he asked, astonished.
Snake swung around to glare at him. "Yes, we are. Do you have a problem with that?" she asked acidly, causing Wolf to flinch, and shake his head vigorously.
"Good," Snake said, her tone hinting that it was anything but. Turning back to Cub, she put on her "enforcing face", which was usually just employed on Wolf. Desperate times call for desperate measures, she figured.
"I'm trying to think of a suitable punishment for you," she said almost pleasantly to Cub. Cub, however, considered himself to possess a rather brilliant mind, and he wasn't fooled by her pleasantry.
He began panicking in earnest now, making sure that it didn't show on his face. Instead, he rearranged his features to offer an innocent expression.
Snake reached out a paw, and poked Cub in the chest. Cub could no longer hold his panic in check, and he moved his head without thinking, sinking his teeth into Snake's paw.
Snake shrieked, and joined the anti-human-pet side.
Snake turned and hissed at her son. "Why don't you go get the A-1 sauce? Somehow I don't think that just salt will improve this one's taste much."
Eagle yelped happily, scurrying off to the kitchen, returning in record time with the steak sauce. Wolf, too, was grinning (and drooling) like mad.
Now all the bears were closing in on Cub, who was scrambling madly to get off the bed and perhaps out of the window again.
No such luck, however, as the bears were suddenly on him.
Cub's last thought was: "A-1's just glorified barbeque sauce. Aren't I worth at least a bottle of ketchup?!"
"There," Fox sighed in relief. "The end."
"Great," Eagle muttered. "Now I'm hungry."
"I know you guys don't like me much, but isn't cannibalism a little extreme?" Alex asked, actually semi-seriously.
They all laughed, including Wolf. "You never know," Eagle muttered.
"We'll even use ketchup if you want!" Snake grinned.
"No, thanks," Alex muttered, vaguely wondering if the Guinness Book of World Records would accept just his word that he'd had the strangest dream ever, and publish it without any real proof.
"Now can we go to sleep?" Fox whined.
All agreed, except for Eagle, who whined until Wolf informed him that if he didn't go to sleep, they'd make him run a couple hundred kilometers. Eagle grudgingly went to sleep.
Alex, of course, couldn't go to sleep, because he was already asleep and dreaming, right?
The next morning, they were on yet another run, but this time, they were all running together.
Alex was at the rear of the pack, and Fox fell back to talk to him.
"Cub? Look, I'm sorry that you had to witness that - er, grim spectacle last night? Yeah. Eagle gets like that sometimes."
Alex stared at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked.
"Are you joking?" Fox demanded. "How could you not remember our rousing rendition of 'Goldilocks'?"
Alex stopped running to devote more of his attention to staring at Fox, and trying to widen his eyes even more. "You mean -" he swallowed. "You mean that was real?"
"Um, yeah…" Fox said slowly, stopping as well. "Didn't you already know that?"
"I thought it was dream," Alex said quietly. "Granted, an insane and totally demented dream, but…I just thought it was a dream!"
"Oi!" they both looked up to see the rest of K-Unit jogging back towards them, Wolf at the front. "What's the hold-up?" Wolf asked roughly.
Fox was still staring at Alex, who was looking more than a little traumatized.
"Um…Turns out that Cub thought our little…story time last night was just a dream." he said, trying to hold back the laughter.
"Sorry, Cub," Snake grinned. "No such luck."
Wolf was shaking his head and actually laughing.
Eagle was laughing like mad. "Wasn't that fun?" he jumped up and down, looking somewhat ridiculous for a twenty-something man in the SAS.
"Ask me after I've spent a lot of time with a therapist," Alex gasped out, still very much in shock.
Fox laughed and shook his head. "Come on, we have to finish this run before we end up with too much punishment."
As they were jogging along, Eagle suddenly asked:
"So, Fox, what story are you telling tonight?"
Congratulations! You made it to the end! Now, I sincerely hope that if you've made it this far, you've figured out a Very Important Thing: This is no ordinary fic. No, this is a crackfic!
And Jusmine would like it to be known that as she cannot even afford an iPod, there is no way that she is going to be able to pay for therapy for all of you. For that she is very sorry.
1: Nightwish. The best band ever!
2: A tirade from that wonderful comic strip called "Calvin and Hobbes".
3: From the Disney movie "The Sword In the Stone". Two simple steps: watch, adore. lol. :D
Now I would like to send out a plea for reviews! Please! And also, please don't just say "liked it" or "hated it". Please tell me why you liked it/hated it!
If you haven't done so already, please go read Mad Mogg's Terrifying Fairies story, "A Conversation". 'Tis wonderful!
Thank you very much for reading and (hopefully) reviewing!