Disclaimer: Mega Man and all related characters are property of Capcom, etc. Not mine, never will be.
Continuity: Mega Man Cartoon series.
Warnings: Mary Sue? Check. Parody? Check. Yup, this story is not to be taken seriously.
Beloved By All
A Mega Man Mary Sue fan fic
Meri Syuu sighed as she looped her arms around Mega Man's neck. "Oh Mega Man," she simpered. "What big arms you have!"
"Oh Meri," Mega said. "What big boobs you have!" Said boobs were happily squished against his body. Her soft, natural curves against his artificially chiseled chest seemed the perfect blend of man and machine. Or, well, woman and machine. Could life get any better than this?
"Oh brother," an exasperated voice came from behind them. "I see boobies, all right. Two big ones. Right in front of me." Mega Man and Meri turned in surprise to find Protoman glaring balefully at them.
Then, in a twist that neither could have predicted, the red robot turned his ire in another direction, staring out of the computer screen. Mega Man gasped. How dare his brother break the fourth wall!
"Okay, that's it," Protoman said, not seeming to care about the universal law he was breaking. Hey, he was an evil robot. He was supposed to break rules! "This travesty of a story ends right now. Cut!" A pause, then a snarl. "I said cut, damnit! You obviously don't know what the hell you're doing, author." He paused again, then grinned slyly at his brother. "If anyone should get the pretty girl, it ought to be me!"
"Oh Protoman!" In true Sue form, Meri didn't even bat an eye at the abrupt change in romantic interest. Nary a thought entered the little twit's head about what her enthusiastic fawning over Protoman might do to poor Mega Man's heart. As far as she was concerned, he should be happy for her. At last she had found True Love! "I'd do anything for you."
But Mega Man had his own protection against love's cruelty. He wasn't like his brother. He refused to acknowledge that fourth wall, refused to break the sacred laws of fan fiction. The author had chosen to rewrite the scene, which meant his and Meri's love had never happened. Protoman got the girl. The end.
"Really?" Protoman asked his new girlfriend playfully. It was times like these that he was particularly grateful for the shades on his helmet. They hid the calculating gleam in his eyes from oblivious airheads like Meri. "You'd join a bad bot like me? Help me take over the world?"
"Of course!" Meri exclaimed. "Didn't you know? Chicks dig villains. The eviller, the better!"
Protoman gave her a funny look. "You shouldn't say things like that, Meri."
Meri blinked cluelessly. "Why not?"
"Vell? Vhat are you vaiting for?" And there stood Dr. Wily, dressed to the nines in a tux and bow tie. He beamed at Meri and offered his arm. "Come, my sweet. Let us rule the vorld together!"
Mega Man groaned, slapping a palm to his face. "Because Protoman's not the most evil villain around!"
"We could have a threesome."
"Oh, come on. It'd be fun!"
"I said no, damn it! Now buzz off before I 'forget' that you're supposed to be beloved by all! The author doesn't control me as much as she'd like, Meri. I have absolutely no qualms about shooting you in the head."
A moment of silence.
"What if it was with Mega Man instead of Dr. Wily?"
Tack! Tack! Tack!
With a few swift hammer strokes, the author jarred the readers out of the story with a dreaded Author Note. The sign, which hung slightly askew, read:
Dear readers: I apologize for the inconvenience, but this story has been put on hold due to some, uh, unfortunate circumstances. Don't worry, I'll be back with more later! In the mean time, cookies and good reviews would be greatly appreciated.
"Bloody characters," she muttered as she went to go trade her hammer for a pen. "Making more work for me. Writing's hard enough without making me edit out scenes!"
Meri Syuu was not happy. Didn't Protoman realize how hard it was to miraculously recover from mortal injury? What nerve!
"I should have stuck with Mega Man," she muttered darkly. He might not have that sexy, bad boy attitude, but at least he hadn't tried to blow her up!
Somehow, it slipped her mind that her brief affair with the blue bomber was supposed to have been rewritten. That's okay, though. Mary Sues are allowed to bend the rules a bit. It's in the Mary Sue handbook!
But how could she win the hero's heart back? It came to her too late that she'd already wasted her first opportunity. Her face fell at the realization. I should have let him find me while I was still injured. Seeing me like that... Knowing I was a victim... Nursing me back to health... He wouldn't have been able to help but fall in love with me! It would have been perfect.
Too perfect. Far too perfect to give up that easily! Meri lifted her chin and pumped her fist with renewed determination. "Yosh! All I need to do is hurt myself again and Mega Man will be mine! Ganbatte, Meri-chan! Ganbatte!"
Mary Sue rule number 134: Abusing Japanese makes everything sound better.
"Now, how should I go about getting hurt...?"
"Oh no!" Meri cried out dramatically. "Not rock and roll!"
"WHAT?" the DJ shouted back.
"CAN'T HEAR YOU! MUSIC'S TOO LOUD!"
Meri Syuu huffed in annoyance, but there wasn't much she could do. The deafening music was too integral to her brilliant plan. In fact, she should be getting results any minute now. She looked up at the mountainside hopefully. Come on... Where's that avalanche?
There was no way she could have heard the ominous rumble in the distance. There was no way she could have felt it, either. Both earth and air were already thrumming with guitars and drums. But even if she had heard, she would have smiled smugly and waited. Everything was going according to plan.
Well, almost everything. There was just one tiny detail. One little thing that Meri forgot to account for.
The broken heart of a bitter old man.
"Spurn me, vill she?" Dr. Wily growled as he watched the impromptu concert on his ship's monitor. "Vell, if I can't have her, no one can! Certainly not Mega Man!"
He just had to wait. Wait for the perfect moment.
"Meri, look out! There's an avalanche coming!" Right on cue, Mega Man flew in on his dog-turned-jet, determined to save the day.
But not this time. Not this time! Dr. Wily howled victoriously as he launched his attack.
They couldn't hear.
"THERE'S AN AVALANCHE!"
The music was too loud.
Meri's eyes widened as she saw the missiles closing in fast behind him. That wasn't part of the plan! "Mega, look out!"
"Meri, I can't-"
Mega Man yelped as his dog exploded underneath him, sending them both tumbling to the ground. The landing itself wasn't so bad. Meri's soft body served as a rather wonderful cushion to break his fall. Meri was crushed, though.
Fortunately, Mega Man would never have to worry about cleaning up, because at that moment, the mountain buried him under a few tons of granite.
Dr. Wily cackled with glee. "I vin! I vin! Mega Man and Meri Syuu are dead, and now the vorld vill be mine!"
For once, the author chose not to disagree. "That's it," she said in disgust. "I've had it with these idiots. Rock falls, Meri Syuu dies. The end!"
And so it did.
Credits: Many thanks to Atreyu, who unwittingly inspired this fic. She wrote a warning once that "if you do decide to post 'my Mary Sue dates Mega and Proto at the same time and is beloved by all,' you probably won't like the feedback you get, but you're free to post it if you like." Sound words to live by, but this sounded like a challenge to me! Poor Atreyu. With friends like me, who needs enemies?
Hope you all enjoyed the story. Thanks for reading!