This came out of a bit of work combining back the messages of a thread in Yahoo's Caer Azkaban group. I have tried to give credit to all who participated.
The posts are totally unedited (each person's responsible for their own spelling and grammar mistakes), and I have added only the names to the top of each post as I came across them. Most of them, you will probably have read one of their fics somewhere on here or on a different site written by them. They are as gifted a set of writers as it has ever been my pleasure to correspond with.
If I missed any of the posts, I sincerely apologize. Let me know and I'll put it in a different chapter. Actually, if anyone else has an idea that works well with this, PM me and I'll add it in. I've got a couple of other ideas along this line that will go into later chapters; just not put the fingers to the keyboard on them yet.
Thanks for reading, and note: If you want to borrow one of my PERSONAL ideas listed here, go ahead but let me know where I can read the result. If you decide to borrow one from someone else, that's between you and them. I can't speak for anyone else on it.
Disclaimer: None of the characters below are mine, nor (I firmly believe) are they anyone else's that contributed to this fic.
I started the whole mess off with the following post:
I had an idea on the way to work the other day... The Taboo that had
been set up on Voldemort's name? Why not make that work for you. I
can see several ways, just to mix it up a bit.
"Okay. We know that a Deez team will show up when we mention shit-
head's name... Now, let's have some fun and see about the most
creative way to show our... displeasure with them."
Remus Lupin apperates out to the Ferris' Folly, the beginnings of an
oil derrick off the coast of Cardiff and begins summoning sharks.
When he gets a dozen of them swimming around, he chums the waters for
a few minutes, driving them to frenzy before shouting, "VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" And y'all thought being bit by a werewolf was
bad. Wait'll you get bit by a Marauder!
Fred & George step carefully out to the center of a dozen Instant
Swamps, Mk. II (with Alligators and quicksand). "VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" Now there's a greater pair of operators in the
Swamp than Wally.
Charlie stands in the middle of a field of sleeping dragons, throws
several stinging hexes about, shouts "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!" and disappears as the dragons awaken, grouchy and hungry
for a roasted breakfast. Beware of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
Bill Weasley stands in the middle of the nastiest sets of traps he
could build, which was saying quite a bit, considering he survived
Egypt, Peru, and China. "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" May you
live in interesting times, indeed. One thing was sure. It beat dying
in interesting times!
Rubeus Hagrid stood in the midst of the Acromantula Nest. He was the
only person they respected, now that Aragog was gone. "TOMMY, YA LIL'
BAST'D! SEND YER EFF'IN BUTT BOYS TO ME! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT!" It was a just punishment for blaming Aragog, the half-
Luna Lovegood hated what she was about to do, but it couldn't be
helped. She had gotten Artemis the Squid and the Merfolk to leave
the lake, but she couldn't help the grindylows or the plimpies. She
began chanting. Slowly but surely, the contents of the lake changed
from icy cold water to icy cold acid. The boat got her to her
favorite island just shortly before it disintegrated. "VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" The screams were quite satisfying as she
thought of what these people had done to her father.
Neville Longbottom stood between the two caged Venomous Tenataculae
in Greenhouse 6. It had taken quite some time to figure out the
hidden passage to the Shrieking Shack passed directly below him, and
even longer to dig out his escape tunnel and hide it from everyone
else. Now he was ready. "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" Neville
screamed as he dropped down to the tunnel below. The automatic trap
door worked perfectly, allowing him to pass through and opening the
cages at the same time. The next dozen or so people to open the door
to the Greenhouse would never know what hit them...
Anybody else care to add to the list?
Treck had this to add:
Ron stood In the Great Hall.
I'll Show my Mione how to get this done. Ron thought as he pulled his wand.
Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldem... FOOD!
Ron was never seen again.
Came up with another one...
Filius Flitwick and Minerva McGonagle were having the times of their
lifes. They were in the middle of the Thames on a boat. Minerva had
just succeeded in conjuring one metric ton of Metallic Sodium, shaped
like a ring around the boat they were standing on. Filius had
levitated it immediately before it touched the water. "VOLDEMORT!
VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!" They apparated away as the Death Eaters
apparated onto the boat. The massive ring of sodium dropped...
For a bit of information on what happened next, try this link:
www. powerlabs. org/chemlabs/sodium. htm and then multiply by a
monstrous amount. A/N: take the spaces out of the above link, since FFN doesn't seem to like them.
Hermione Granger sipped the polyjuice potion and transformed into
Narcissa Malfoy. She then apparated to the middle of an SAS base. When
the startled soldiers looked at her, she stated "I am a herald. Throw
down your weapons and submit to your rightful king, Lord Voldemort.
Voldemort is the rightful king of Britain and will overthrow that
false Queen. Bow to Voldermort's will. Remember the name. VOLDEMORT.
VOLDEMORT. VODLEMORT". She then apparated away before they could
recover from their shock.
Harry grinned under his invisibility cloak as he transfigured the
entire beach into caustic lye and summoned up a swirling breeze.
"Valdemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!" He waited until fifteen seconds
after the last crack of apparition before incanting "Aguamenti!"
Meteoric Shipyards added:
Arthur Weasley sat in the muggle car and sorrowfully rubbed the
steering wheel. He could tell that this had once been a much nicer
car than his, but was now nothing more than a wreck. He considered
the magic that it would take to fix up, and sighed again. Not this
car, unfortunately. This car had a higher calling.
It was time. He patted the car one more time, and said, "Voldemort,
Voldemort, Voldemort." He briefly thought how upset Molly would be if
she knew that he wasn't really taking a break and indulging in his
Per the rules of the spell that stopped people from apparating into
solid objects, the interior of the limousine was soon filled with
"This is my stop," Arthur murmured as he disapparated. The Death
Eaters looked around, confused by the metal walls visible through the
windows. It suddenly got darker as a large, metal press began to turn
the once luxury car into a block of metal and plastic about a meter cubed.
Afterwards, the workers at the junk yard wondered what gang used the
funny symbol on the car crusher. They never found out that it was an
Harry and Hermione popped onto the side street and carefully stepped
over the wall and int the middle of the waiting crowd below.
"Do you think they can come this far for us Hermione?" Harry asked
as he continued to scan the people surrounding him.
"Yes Harry", Hermione answered with an unusual smirk to her
voice, "There'll be no problems, and the Death Eaters won't know
what hit them."
All of a sudden the crowd surged forward, and with the notice me not
charms, around the young couple, leaving them all alone as they head
a thundering noise.
"Okay Hermione, here we go," Harry yelled as they grasped each
other's hands, "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!"
The two of them used their portkey right after, as half a dozen
Death Eaters apparated in, staring stupidly around at the crowd of
people telling them to run in Spanish, and then at the wave of bulls
that were bearing down on them.
Meteoric Shipyards added:
Harry looked up, very nervous. There was a lot of steam up there.
Alright, it wasn't steam, which didn't make him feel any better.
"You sure you have the timing right?"
"That is one thing we don't have to worry about. Just listen!"
Harry had no trouble hearing the amplified voice count out numbers.
"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!" she yelled, apparating at the same
time. They appeared in the RV that they had rented.
The amplified voice continued, "4..3..Main engine start, trottling up
to 106 percent. The space shuttle has lifted off."
About five second earlier, a group of Death Eaters were in the exhaust
tunnel under the launch pad where the 6000 degree F exhaust was
channeled away from the space truck.
"Wow! You'll never convince me that muggles are inferior!" Harry
said, watching the almost 200 foot long space plane streaking through
the sky, leaving a trail of white smoke behind.
"No argument here," Hermione said, never taking her eyes off the same
I want to be an astronaut
Dennis Creevy stood on the narrow catwalk looking down at the conveyer
belt feeding old tires into an industrial strength shredder. He
smirks, and shouts "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!". After a few
seconds, the Death Eaters appparate in front of him, and promptly fall
into the shredder which tears them apart.
Ed Becerra added:
The decrepit old thief and con man stood in the garage, uneasily eying
the old muggle car, which somehow seemed to be eying him back. He
"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!" and Mundugus Fletcher vanished just
as the Death Eaters appeared.
Voldemort's followers milled about uncertainly for a moment, until one
of them cast a Reducto at the walls in anger.
Then the 1958 Plymouth Fury expressed its displeasure with their
Harry and Hermione materialized at the edge of a sidewalk, the
rivulets of water showing that a rainstorm had just recently
"Hermione, are you sure this will work?"
"Of course Harry," the bushy-haired brainiac said with a small
sniff, "I've been studying areas of the Americas where strange things
occur, and this should be perfect for the Death Eaters, unless you
think we should just stun them?"
After hearing Harry's weak objections for a moment, Hermione shut him
up with a scorching kiss, with the promise of more, before she turned
and tilted her head, listening for a moment. When she was satisfied
that she'd gotten attention brought to herself, she and Harry turned
and apparated out, just as they both yelled, "VOLEDMORT, VOLDEMORT,
A squad of six Death Eaters led by Bellatrix Lestrange herself popped
in right after they duo had left, and stared around confusedly,
before a noise from the sewer grate caught Bellatrix's attention.
"Hello there, pretty lady," a cheerful voice came, and Bella bent
over, only to jump back, as a clown appeared in the grate, holding a
bright red balloon "Wouldn't you like a balloon pretty lady? They
float so nicely, yes, they all float down here, and you will too."
Harry grinned as he reached out with the bucket of bloody meat.
He'd managed to get permission to feed the Piranha in the local
aquarium for the public display.
A second before releasing the first of chunks he spoke.
"Voldemort, voldemort, voldemort," and then grinned even wider as the
chaos began and the fish had their meal
Brad Coleman added:
Why use something that has a chance of withstanding a shark
attack... Have Remus go out in a small rowboat.
Just before he calls Voldies name out, he pulls out the bung,
and spreads the last bucket of chum around the inside of the
rowboat. Imagine the DE's horror if they manage to get into
the rowboat without tipping it over and get themselves coated
in chum, just before the rowboat sinks beneath the surface.
Anthony Ellwood added:
Harry sat on crate on the lower deck of the aircraft carrier looking at his
pocket watch as the minutes ticked away. In the distance he could hear a
siren begin to wail and a voice begin to count down
Harry quickly stood and gave the fingers to the arriving death eater squad
before portkeying away with his pocket watch portkey
The Death eater squad could only watch in horror as 500 pounds (230kg) of C4
detonated around them sinking the carrier, which was to become an artificial
reef, dragging them all to a watery grave.
Callum Wallace added:
"What are we doing, Hermione? What are the green box thingies
with 'Face towards enemy' written on them? Why are you so adamant
about stringing the little shiny metal bits to that tarp in that big
hole we dug?"
"Okay, we're done." Hermione said, failing to answer.
"Done?" Harry bemusedly asked.
Hermione nodded. Then she bull-rushed him into the pit. The tarp
held up for a moment, then fell with a chorus of KA-CHINGG noises.
"WUFF!" Harry complained as he landed with a Hermione on top of him
on the old matress Hermione had flung into the concrete-lined pit.
"VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT VOLDEMORT!" Hermione screamed at the
top of her lungs, keeping him pinned down.
"Hey! What the-"
The cracks of apparations sounded from outside the pit.
Then the Claymore mines they'd spent all day seeding the area whith
started going off. The noise was incredible. Showers of blood and
body fragments flew over the pit, which Harry had abruptly (and
accurately) identified as a fox-hole in the military sense.
"Hermione, what the Hell?" Harry asked.
Hermione grinned and pulled on a rope with all her might; there was
another chorus of KA-CHINGGs.
"I thought I'd demonstrate how to fight Voldemort the muggle way."
More apparations. Another bone-shaking chorus of explosions.
"Right, that's all the Claymores." Hermione said, wiping the specks
of blood off her face with her sleeve. "Let's get out of here."
She grabbed him and Apparated, telling herself that going to all the
effort of sneaking off to a military ordinace depot with Harry's
invisibility cloak and the biggest Bag of Holding she could find had
definitely been worth it. And not just because of the big explosions
and dead Death Eaters - getting a valid excuse to glomp Harry was a
prize in and of itself.
... land mines.
Tommy King added:
How about this one,
Harry, hidden under his invisibility cloak looked round the stadium, the cars
taking part in the Demolition Derby were all facing the arena fence, ready to
reverse toward the centre when the starter's gun was fired. He looked over in
the direction of the starter and used Legilimency to calculate the correct
moment, he saw the starter's finger tense on the trigger of his pistol.
"Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort." he shouted as the gun was fired.
Seven Death Eaters were introduced to motorsport at it's messiest.
Coleen Creevey stood in the middle of a cross-dressing bar. He
looked around, liked what he saw, and said: "voldemort, Vldemort,
"Bless ya," said one of the guys wearing dresses.
"Thanks," Coleen answered, walked out if the place, wiped his face,
and beacme Colin again.
A few minutes later, Lucius Malfoy, in his beast black dress robes,
found new company...
Dan of Aztlan added:
Harry looked at Hermione and asked for the fifth time, "You're sure
this bloke is all here, right?" he said, pointing his wand to his temple.
"Crikey! Did you see how wide this beauty can open her mouth?" The
Australian exclaimed, tossing another crocodile into the pound.
"... sure Harry, only professionals are allowed to handle," she winced
at her choice of word, "animals as dangerous as these."
Harry only gave her a long look before checking the invisibility
charms were set over the protective cage in the middle of the island.
They finished setting protective charms on the concrete walls and
other anti AK protections they could think of.
The blond Australian finished with the last crocodile and joined the
british teens. "Are you sure those fellow eaters will come all the way
from the isles?"
Harry and Hermione took a moment to remember just how deadly a
kangaroo really was despite their cute exterior. They had never seen
so much blood before...
"Yes, mister Irwin, the taboo can trace us all the way here."
"Alright then, let's get this going!" the man jumped into the lowered
floor in the cage and got ready to look the mayhem.
Harry and Hermione wondered again what kind of adult muggle would
accept magic that easily and even help them with a potential suicide
Then again, they had seen him jump and hug crocodile all day long...
Shrugging their doubts, they jumped into the cage, locked it, made
sure the charms and wards were working, and shouted.
"Voldermort, Voldemort, Voldemort!"
The cracks of apparitions startled the three dozens of crocodiles for
a moment before the amphibians remembered something "it moves. Food!"
"Oh wow, look at that! That beauty is going to roll now, breaking that
fella's limbs and them proceed to rip his food. Oh, that's a classic
feeding method of the crocodiles, now more crocodiles will grab a limb
each and then pull until each one gets a piece of food. Ah, look at
that, she's going to pull him underwater until he stops struggling."
Hermione never had looked greener before, so Harry put a comforting
hand on her lower back, drawing small circles to comfort his bushy
"Don't worry Hermione, it'll be over soon. It's for the greater good."
"Houston this is a beautiful weather for a space walk the weather up
here is nice and sunny, we are currently floating over Britain, I
think I see my girlfriend sunning herself down there."
"garbled radio transmission"
"Roger that Houston, that display is showing something weird, I think
its some french. Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort, think that means
flight from death"
"garbled radio transmission"
"whoa Houston, uhh your not going to believe what just happened, there
suddenly appeared six humanoid figures floating in space they are NOT
wearing space suits"
"Gentelman, Today, the 11th of June, 1998, we are marking fifty
years of space the space program, since the monkey Albert Bernstein
has been launched into orbit. Alas, Albert came short, topping at
thirty nine miles. Also, poor Albert has never returned, suffocating
to death during his daring atttempt to reach the stars.
"Albert has been an inspiration to us all.
"A year from three days ahead, we will be celebrating the jubelee of
the second V2 mission, in which Albert II became the first monkey in
space - and live long enough to return to the Earth.
"Alas, the V2 being designed as a weapon with the purpose of hitting
it's target, Albert II too died upon impact.
"Nevertheless, to celebrate this day, we attempted to recreate the
first monkeyed-missions to pace, and with tender care, we lovingly
built ourself a brand new V2 missile flying NASA's colours. We will
launch it to space with a monkey, Albert V, inside, and watch as it
breaches the Karman line and goes on out of the atmosphere!
"Of course, civillization having somewhat advanced since the 1940's,
we wouldn't sent a live monkey to his death, thus we built a very,
very expensive robot to perfectly mimic and simulate an adult rhesus
monkey, which we then volunteered to lead this mission.
"Commence to count down...
"Oh, hey there, Harry," said Arthur. "What do oyu have there?"
"Oh, that," said Harry, "that's a preasent for you, Mr. Weasley!"
"What is it... a monkey?" Arthur was embarresed. Why would Harry
give him a monkey as a gift? He didn't think Molly would put with it
either. Then again, she did out up with a rat having the run of her
house, so maybe... it wouldn't do to offend Harry by refusing his
Stoll, his confusion must have showed, because Harry hastened to
"It its;'nt just any monkey, Mr. Weasley," Harry said. "It's a
"Oh, that's nice," said Arthur, not havind any idea what it meant.
"You see," Harry continued. "This is not a live animal, it is a
machine. Built by muggles. What it does is pretend it is a monkey
and act like it. So... I know you like muggle things, so I thought
you might enjoy it. It's yours!"
Arthur smiled like his birthday came early. "Oh, Harry... you
"Think nothing of it, Mr. Weasley," said Harry.
Soon after, Mr Weasley was happily dismenteling a multy-million
dollars robot of a monkey, which he was never able to fix again - he
wasn't sure where all the little parts fit together. Well, where any
of the little parts fit at all, to tell the truth. But it had a nice
battery in it, so Arthur didn't complain.
Inside the recreatred V2 missile, a rat scurried around, as much as
being strapped to its place aloud it.
It had several problems to contend with.
For one, why did its body become that of a rhesus monkey?
For another, why did it have the words "Albert V 3/4" scribed on its
Also, why did the world shake so violently?
And where could it get cheese?
A moment later, it's troubles mostly forgotten, as the compulsion
It squeaked: "Voldemrt Voldemort Voldemort." Not sure what to do
next, it went back to worrying about the fact it felt like it was
moving very fast and still accelerating rapidly. And that the floor
became a wall.
But soon after, it didn't matter anymore, as Crabb and Goyle went on
to become the fisrt apes to go to space in the British Space Program.
JaCee had a sudden brainstorm the other night and after 6 weeks added this:
Couple of months ago I started a thread on ambushing DE's with the
Taboo. Just had another on pop in my head.
Remus Lupin was tired, cranky and in pain. He'd just chugged the last
of that damned potion, and was waiting for his "furry little problem"
to erupt from behind the mountains to the east.
This valley was gorgeous during the day, with the ruins of Dunnotar
castle rising hundreds of feet above him. The ghosts were heavy in
this valley, and they cheered for his plan. They were Old Ghosts,
from a time the world was uncivilized. They knew injustice and how to
deal with it. They understood even the chance for freedom was the
likelyhood of death, and willingly embraced his plan.
Remus could see the creeping shadows cast by the full moon. 100 feet.
50. 25. 10. Now. "VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT! VOLDEMORT!"
Thus came the cry as he walked forward two paces. Into that which he
dreaded any loved with a ferocity that forced him away from his loved
ones every twenty eight days. Remus heard the pops of apparition just
as his own bones finished popping back into the by-now familiar
Remus smiled wolfishly at his new 'playmates,' and stepped back in his
mind to let Moony take the lead for a bit.
For a look at the valley I'm talking about, try this:
(Search Wikipedia for Dunnotar Castle, since links get iffy at times)