Sometimes One Head is Better

Disclaimer: I don't own any material contained within this story. All copyrighted content remains the property of the person, people, or organization that holds the copyright. This story is solely for fun.

AN: Okay, those of you who are familiar with my writing know that I don't write Romance. The reason for this is that I suck at Romance. However, I'm pretty good with Humor. At least, that's what I've been told. So, hopefully, by doing a Humor\Romance this will average out to be pretty good. Well, enough of my prattle. On with the story.

Chapter One: Stupid Crushing Vampire

Integra sat behind her desk. She had a huge stack of paperwork in front of her. One thing her servants never seemed to consider was just how much destruction they caused. Integra was grateful that she didn't actually have to pay for it. Unfortunately, she did have to write up reports for everything her vampires destroyed. It really wasn't fair. In every other branch of the English Government the field agents were responsible for their own reports. But after the blood ink and thinly veiled threats in the first report that Alucard ever filed, it was quickly decided that someone else would have to file all future reports for any vampires employed by the English Government.

Integra pushed her chair back, took off her glasses and rubbed her slightly bloodshot eyes. She looked at the paper and sighed. Only half done. That does it. I'm going to make absolutely sure that next year's budget has money for a secretary! Last year's would've if Alucard hadn't drafted that Police Girl. It's all her fault! I can't really stay mad at her though. It's not like she asked to be shot through the chest and turned into a vampire, and she's always trying to be helpful. Honestly, I've never heard of a vampire with a sweeter attitude or one who was more eager to please those around her. And the figure, those lips. I wonder if they taste as sweet as... What the bloody hell am I thinking! After a split-second, Integra figured out what was happening. A look of recognition passed over the Hellsing heir's face, and she growled, "Alucard." Integra angrily got up from her chair, put her glasses back on and stormed down to the mansion's sub-level.

Once in the sub-level, Integra headed straight for Alucard's chamber. She flung the door open, being the only one who could get away with such a brazen act, and walked over to her servant's closed casket. She rapped the lid a couple of times, stirring the sleeping monster within.

The lid was flung up. Alucard rose and shouted "What!" Then he saw his master standing over the coffin and his face took on an apologetic expression. "Sorry, Master."

Integra still looked mad, which confused Alucard a little. Granted he had shouted at her, which was something he never would've done if he'd known she was the one rapping on his coffin. However, she did wake him up in the middle of the day, and he'd already apologized. Then Integra asked a question that made Alucard realize just why she 'had a stick up her butt'.

"Dreaming about the Police Girl again, were we?"

Alucard sighed. "Sorry, Master, but a man cannot be held responsible for what happens in his dreams."

Integra threw up her hands. "Oh honestly, Alucard, I couldn't care less what sick fantasies float around in your head. I only ask that you do me the 'courtesy' of keeping them to yourself. I really don't need to be drawing comparisons between the supposed taste of Police Girl's lips and her blood. For one thing, it's sick; and for another, it's distracting. I have paperwork to do!"

"Yes, Master. I know, and I've been trying since you first informed me of the problem. You haven't had anymore, um... 'dreams' I trust." Integra stared angrily at Alucard for daring to bring those up. However, she kept silent, so Alucard knew that she hadn't. "You see, Master? I am trying. It's just harder to control our mental link while I'm asleep."

Integra sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, causing her glasses to raise slightly. She knew that her servant was trying, and she didn't want to be unreasonable. But, damn it! Why do vampires always create problems? "Look, Alucard, I've tried to be reasonable, but after nearly six months this problem still hasn't gone away. And you've been living... uh unliving... whatever! together the whole time. This isn't some little crush that you're just going to get over. You've got to deal with this."

Alucard cast his eyes downward. "I know, and I've tried. But it's hard."

"Hard! Alucard, really? What's so hard about it? Your room's ten feet from hers. Just go in there and kiss her, bang her, suck her blood, or whatever you vampires do to each other. Clear your head, so I can keep mine focused."

"Master, I can't do that."

Integra couldn't believe it. Her servant actually looked embarrassed. "Alucard, are... Are you blushing?"

Alucard sounded insulted. "I most certainly am not."

Integra walked over, sat on the rim of her servant's coffin and lifted up the brim of his fedora hat. "Yes, you are." She stated with an almost accusing tone before continuing in a genuinely concerned one, "Alucard, what the bloody hell has happened to you? Blushing about a girl. You're not some adolescent school kid. You're the freaken No-Life King! How many brides have you had, ten, fifteen?"

Alucard grinned slightly. "Seventeen, actually."

Integra let the brim of the hat fall back down. "Seventeen brides. Were you this nervous with each of them?"

Once again, Alucard seemed insulted. "Certainly not, Master. I took by brides with the same confidence I led my armies. I conquered their bodies with the same ferocity my soldiers used when they devastated the Turkish lands." Alucard smiled proudly.

"Okay, so what's the problem? Just go and do the same thing to Police Girl."

"Master, I can't"


"Because it's different. She's different. She's cute and... and innocent... and what if she says no?"

"What would you have done if one of the others said no?"

"Simple, I would've taken them anyway. And I would've made them regret daring to refuse me." As the lord of the undead chuckled darkly, the look in his eyes made a cold shiver run down even Integra's spine. She subconsciously slid a couple of inches away from her 'pet' vampire. But then, the chuckling stopped and Integra's servant continued in a more solemn tone. "But... But I could never do that to her. She's too... too pure."

Integra's brow nit together. "Weren't all of your brides virgins? Weren't they all 'pure'?"

"Of course they were virgins, Master. Do you really think I would want with what another man had touched? But being a virgin doesn't make one pure. It just means that they'd never had sex. I mean look at you. You're a virgin, but no one would ever call you..." As Alucard looked over and saw the expression on his Master's face, the vampire wisely chose to leave his sentence unfinished. It didn't seem to do much good though.

Integra quickly stood up and started marching towards the door. Just before exiting the room, she spun around, locked angry eyes with her servant and ordered. "You remain here. I'll solve this myself." Integra spun back around and opened the door.

Suddenly Alucard had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Wait, Master! What are you going to do?"

Integra turned back to her servant. "Since you don't have the stones to tell her how you feel, I'm going to do it for you."

"Master, no! Wait! I..."

"You? You are not to leave this room, and that is an order!" And with that, Integra stepped out of the room and slammed the door. She walked the ten feet to Seras's room and stopped at the door to take a couple of deep breaths. Thanks to their bond, the Hellsing heir could literally feel her servants apprehension. He was scared stiff. Serves him right. Stupid crushing vampire. This isn't high school! I shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this.

(Well, what do you think? As I've said I'm not good with romance. In fact this is the first time I've ever tried to do a story with romance as the main plot. So, please let me know how I'm doing. Be honest and tell me if this is worth continuing. Thanks.

Have a good day, and God bless.

Metropolis Kid.)