Kerri Russell once said, 'Sometimes it's the smallest decision that can change your life forever…' I know that if I could have just spoke. Just open my mouth and tell her how I feel, that she would wrap he arms around me. She would whisper into my ears the three little words I long to hear, but to stupid to say. She has been my best friend since freshman year. I've loved her since the day she kissed me in the barn. I just figured she'd always be here. That she would be here to love me when everyone-else was gone.
I look at her as she stands there searching her hand for something she missed placed. I fight with myself should I tell her I have it here in my shirt pocket, or pretend that it doesn't exist. She was be worried, wandering what he will say if he knew that she lost it. How could she be getting married? How could she be moving on without me? All I have to do is tell her what's in my heart and she'll change her whole life for me. She'd be were we both know she wants to be and I want her to be. Why can't I get my mouth to move?
I can still see her with her blond hair shimmering in the sunlight. The smell of fresh baled hay feeling the air around us. The taste of her cherry lip gloss as she reached up and placed her hand behind my neck, pulling me down till our lips met. I can still feel my heart racing as if it was about to explode. How I longed to put my hands on her hips and lift her up into my arms.
It wasn't going to be easy to just let her go. To pretend that I never had feelings for her. To let her go through life thinking that I never loved her too. I can't believe that I'm standing two feet from her with sweaty palms and she hasn't noticed that I wanted to say more to her then my lips would spill out.
"Looking for this,…" I fluttered out as I took the ring from my pocket and handed it to her. Her hair shimmering beneath the lights as she turned to me. "I found it down stairs. You must have lost it when Brett was chasing you." She looked at me and grinned. "Is there anything you want to tell me?"
She stuttered as she began to speak. "I was on my way over there this morning to tell you, but… how did you find out? Did Jimmy call you?" She asked smiling like a school girl not knowing she is killing me.
My heart felt as if it was shutting down. "Rule number 11,… always protect your source." Did I just quote Lois? I thought to myself. I must be losing it. She laughed as I placed my hands into my pockets nervously. "But I would like the whole story." My voice quacked. "How long have you been engaged?"
"A week." She said as she tilted her head. "I said yes the night I came back from Montana."
"You could have called." I said. "Anytime."
She smiled. "It's just that…we've been friends for a really long time."
"We're more than just friends, Chloe."
"When Jimmy and I get married… things will probably change." She said obviously trying to avoid eye contact with me. I know she's dying to tell me she loves me. Why can't she just say those three little words. "… Between us I mean. And I don't know if I'm ready for that just yet…" Her eyes sparkled… was she trying to say what I longed to hear her say? "Are you?"
My heart stopped. I could feel deep inside the urge to pull her into my arms and kiss her tenderly. To tell her that she was the one I wanted to grow old with. The one I wanted to share my life with. I wanted to tell her not to marry Jimmy Olsen. I wanted to drop to one knee and ask her to marry me. "I know that your happiness is one of the most important things to me…" I said as I walked over to her and placed both hands on her shoulders. "I know you and Jimmy will have a wonderful life together." I wrapped my arms around her never wanting to let go as tears filled my eyes. Tears I would never let her see. " Don't worry about anything-else."
There I said the total opposite thing. I told her it was okay for her to move on without me, when I really just wanted her to stay with me…