Greetings, readers. Thanks for clicking on this story! I promise to do my best to entertain you and make you laugh. As you've probably realized, these are just collections of small ficlets and short stories, which you will hopefully find funny.
Some of you may recognize me, and I'm sure at least a few of you have read my works. It appears that I have decided to come out of retirement, and try my hand at writing again. Huzzah? Anyway, I'm sure some of my former and new readers are asking: "Why make a third series about the same thing?" I decided that the other two were too cluttered and confusing, with too much OOC content and such. Plus "Volume III" sounds cool...
Anyway, I suppose its time to get down to business. I hope you enjoy today's story, and would you kindly write up a short review when you're done? It doesn't have to be nice - just tell me your honest opinion. Oh, one last thing.
Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to the name, characters, or content of Hellsing.
Alucard had never been one for April Fools Day. Granted, he had no compassion for any human holiday, save Halloween. But April Fools Day deserved its own special little place in Hell, as far as he was concerned. Every year, somebody decided to pull a prank on him. Hot sauce in his blood packets, a Bible under his pillow... one year Walter had even switched the safety function on his gun, and he had to pistol whip his way through a ghoul outbreak before he realized he had to switch it "on" in order to turn the safety "off." That had annoyed him to no end... But this year, somebody had gone above and beyond the call of duty to piss him off.
Apparently, in the wee hours of the morning, somebody had snuck into the armory and fiddled with his ammo. They had been quite smart about it, too. They had removed every bullet from every spare clip he had, and then unscrewed the bullet itself from the shell. They had then poured out all the gunpowder, replaced the bullet, and then reloaded every clip with the gunpowder-less bullets. The end result? Bullets that didn't go "bang" when fired.
And it wasn't just the fact that he couldn't shoot things with bullets like this. Oh no, it got worse. The way a handgun operates relies upon the bullet to go "bang," as the recoil of the gunshot caused the slide to go backwards, ejecting the spent casing and cocking the gun as the slide goes back into position. If the bullet doesn't go bang, it stays in the barrel, and the slide doesn't move. The shooter would then manually have to cock the slide in order to eject the bullet, wasting time and energy. So not only would his gun not fire, but he would have to manually eject each bullet and attempt to fire it repeatedly in order to finally find one that worked. This would waste a large amount of time, leave him open for attack, and also make him look very unprofessional and, to be blunt, stupid.
And the thing that compounded atop all of this and made it horrible was the fact that Alucard only discovered this trick during a chance run-in with his beloved adversary, Father Alexander Anderson, while investigating a possible vampire sighting. The event occured as follows:
Alucard, having searched every inch of the town, had not found a single trace of a vampire. Standing on an empty street in a desolate part of the town, he was just turning to leave when he suddenly detected an all-too-familiar presence. "Hello, Anderson..." he crooned, slowly turning to face his adversary.
"Afternoon, Alucard..." the bespectacled priest replied, slowly strolling out from a shadowed alley into the center of the street, never taking his eyes off of Alucard. "I'm guessin' the sun does nothin' ta weaken ye, am I correct?"
"It bothers me..." Alucard smirked. "That's about it... I'm also guessing that there was no vampire at all, was there?"
"I knew all it took would be a few rumors to insight your blood-lust..." Anderson growled. "Are ye ready ta die, monster?"
"The only one who is dying today-" Alucard grinned, suddenly drawing his guns and leveling them with the priest's face, "IS YOU!" And with that, he pulled both triggers in unison, expecting to see Anderson's head turn into a nice pink mist. Instead, however...
"Huh?" Alucard was caught off guard by this sudden turn of events. The next thing he knew, Anderson was upon him.
"AMEN!!" Anderson screaming, bringing a pair of swords down upon the vampire, in hopes of lopping off his arms. However, Alucard jerked himself away, resulting in only the loss of a few pieces of his tie. "What's wrong, Alucard? Leave the safety on? BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!"
Alucard quickly crossed his arms, and slid the guns against his upper arms, in hopes of manually ejecting the "dud" bullets by pulling back the slides with friction. It worked, actually, and two "dud" bullets suddenly flew into the air. Bringing his guns back to bear, Alucard pulled the triggers again on the rapidly approaching psychopath...
And once again, nothing happened.
"What's going on?!" Alucard snarled. He then had to duck beneath a scissor-like motion of Anderson's blades, losing the top of his hat and a few strands of hair in the process. He quickly dove backwards, and landed a heavy kick square in the middle of Anderson's face. Stunned, the priest dropped his blades, and gripped his profusely-bleeding nose in agony. Sensing that he had a few seconds to spare, Alucard ejected the "faulty" clips, and rapidly reloaded. Just as he finished reloading, he looked up to see Anderson running at him, with several bayonets in each hand. Alucard simply raised his handguns, and the moment the priest's head came in contact with the barrels, he pulled both triggers. "DIE."
"SON OF A-"
Later that day, when Alucard returned home to the Hellsing Manor, he arrived with tattered clothing and several new body piercings. He also now held an even greater hatred for April Fools Day. He stormed straight to the basement, and spent the rest of the evening brooding in his Lair, contemplating ways to impart horrific pain upon his tormentor. Yet despite his constant consideration on who the culprit could be, he never once considered the person who was truly guilty for the trick:
Moral of the Story: April Fools pranks in the Hellsing Manor can get out of hand, sometimes.
Well, I hope you liked this little mini-fic. I had fun writing it, and hopefully you had fun reading it. Now would you kindly click that button at the bottom of the screen, and write a review for this story? :)
Thanks for reading! Have a nice day, and God bless.
PS: If you caught the subtle references, go ahead and try to guess what game I'm refering to. :P